Secret Diary of a Call Girl (2007–2011): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode #3.4 - full transcript
Belle entertains Des, a young man who loves to be covered in messy foodstuffs,not the most erotic subject for her next chapter so she turns to Duncan for the real thing. Bambi tries in vain to reject an ardent Byron, who buys her a bicycle and proposes to her whilst Ben breaks things off with Jackie.
What are you trying to say to the
reader?
I want you.
I think about you at night.
It just feels a bitstuck.
Like you've hit a wall.
Look, I think it's great -
But...
Well, maybe we just need a different
tack.
Like, 'What is kinky?
Why does 'different' do it
for some men?
Could you find someone unusual?
Would you be up for that?
Yeah.
I mean, yeah,
I'd be... I'd very, very...
up for that.
Duncan shouldn't be trying to pair
you up with some weirdo.
He's your editor, yeah, he's not
your pimp.
No, it's just research. Hannah,
you're on his books to make money.
That's what you are to him.
A cash cow.
That's sweet, Ben,
and really nicely put (!)
How's your lovely girlfriend,
by the way?
(BLENDER)
All right, all right!
How's my lovely sister, by the way?
It wasn't meant to go on like this.
You know,develop.
There is a traditional way of
dealing with that, Ben.
We call it 'finishing' with someone.
Why don't you help me here?
You're her sister.
It's better coming from you.
What?
Yeah, if you spoke to her for me,
she'd have you there, wouldn't she?
For support.
No way.
Your problem, you deal with it.
Hi, Ben. Hey...
Hi, babes.
So, how's that rich guy?
You still seeing him?
No, although he did stay at mine
last night.
He just needed somewhere to crash.
Did he pay you?
Course not! It was a laugh.
He's taking the piss, Bambi.
I'm happy, is that a crime?
God, I hope I never turn out
like you.
What?
A cynical old prozzie.
The longer it goes on, the worse
it'll be when it goes wrong.
And it has to go wrong, does it?
Yeah. It is me we're talking about,
isn't it?
No, it's not you, it's just...
the job.
Maybe they'll be the exception
to the rule.
Yeah, maybe.
So, I located Mr Kinky Sexy...
Des.
Now, I have to warm the custard
to body temperature...
(MICROWAVE BEEPS)
How am I supposed to know when...
Why didn't I listen in cookery?
Now, for this client, I have to look
impeccable.
Hi, Des. Hi, Belle.
Good to meet you.
You look nice.
Ahh!
Oh, this is for you before I forget.
Thanks, Des.
May I er...?
Thanks. Lovely.
Oh, I've got a change of clothes
with me.
Thanks for getting dressed up.
Oh, that is a lovely spread!
Perfect. Yeah?
I made it! Really?
Fantastic!
And this is your first time, is it?
Yeah. Oh, that's brilliant.
It's great when someone new
comes to it.
You are gonna love it.
It's just about letting go.
You know...
Is there somewhere I can pop this?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's just... it's just in there.
Oh, right.
Sploshing,
the art of getting wet...
and down and dirty.
I might just...
Yeah, great.
♪ My boy lollipop
♪ You make my heart go giddy up
♪ You taste as sweet as candy
♪ You're my sugar dandy
♪ My boy lollipop -
Oh, that's wicked, that is.
Good.
# Never never leave me
I'm into everything, me.
You know... Yeah?
Yeah. Mud...
Mm...
Water...
Yeah...
Beans...
Mm...
Pasta...
Beans!
Pasta!
My ex-girlfriend...
we used to see how many beans
we could fit...
in her bikini...
Yeah?
Yeah.
I'd like beans...
..in my bikini.
♪ You make my heart go giddy up
♪ You set my world on fire -
Oh, you dirty girl!
Oh, hang about...
you're going to make me come.
Is that a problem?
No, no, it's er...
Are you ready for some?
Yeah. Great.
Right, choose any of them.
Throw it at me. Aim for the face.
OK.
Are you ready for this?
Oh, no.... don't.
Wow!
# My boy lollipop
♪ You make my heart go -
My eyes!I can't see!
Oh, hang on.
Here's a towel.
Oh, thanks.
Are you all right?
Yeah...
I just...
Right...
Are you all right?
Yeah. OK...
What shall we do now, then?
I don't mind. You choose.
No, no... You choose.
Beans?
Beans...
You're gonna love this.
Yeah, I can feel I am.
Top or bottom?
Surprise me!
Knickers then.
OK!
Is that all of them?
No, no, no.
I'm just seeing how you like it.
A bit faster or slower?
I really don't mind.
There's more, is there?
You're not enjoying any of this,
are you?
there's no point carrying on if you
don't like it. No, it's just...
just my ankle, then my eye,
the cream...
It's only cream. Yeah.
Look, I... I think I better
clean up and go.
It's obviously not your thing.
I just... I just think I'm
not the right girl to splosh with.
All right. All right.
How am I gonna write that up?
I'm gonna need some help.
A firm editorial hand...
What?!
'The Rules' are there to be broken.
Now what I'm about to do
requires courage,
focus...
and most important of all
the right...
..shoes.
I love you!
Hello. Hi.
Where is everyone?
Oh, they're at a sales conference.
The event of the year.
But you're not there...
No.
Won't you be missed?
Lots of people telling each other
how fantastic their departments are
isn't my idea of fun.
What is your idea of fun,
Duncan?
That dress, the cut of it...
How would you get into something
like that?
It's got a zip.
Here. See?
And the shoes? Do you like these?
Yeah, they're great.
Very erm...
Fuckable?
I was going to say vintage.
Duncan...
Belle...
Can we just tell the truth?
That'sa big ask for this time
of day.
But we can try.
You go first.
Sorry, that was...
a really bad idea, wasn't it?
Yeah,that was...
..really...
..terrible.
This is great, isn't it?
(LAPPING WATER, TWEETING BIRDS)
I thought you said a picnic.
Jackie...
Yeah?
I can't do this.
You can.
You're doing it, look.
It's only like riding a bike.
No, I mean us.
Oh, right...
Right...
♪ Help
♪ I have done it again
♪ I have been here
♪ Many times before
♪ Hurt myself...
Hiya. I got you a bike.
Yeah? But I forgot to buy
a bloody lock thing for it,
so we'd best get it up there quick,
anyway.
You all right? You look a bit...
I need to talk to you.
OK...
(HONKS)
What?
You can't just turn up here.
Well, you're scaring me now.
No, please. I'm serious.
What? Don't...
We met because...
you wanted to pay me for sex...
and... and now...
Now... Now we don't have to do all that.
No, no, we don't. But...
We're in very
different positions here.
You were my client and I'm a
prostitute,
and that's never going to go away.
I don't care.
Not now. But you will.
And it'll be worse because we'll be
totally involved.
I don't wanna get hurt like that.
I won't hurt you.
You don't know that.
Is it because you think I'm odd?
No.
No, no, it's not you -
Stupid...
fucking bike!
I have to go. I'm late...
..for a client.
♪ Well, I recall
♪ His parting words
♪ Must I accept
♪ His fate
♪ Or take myself
♪ Far from this place
♪ I thought I heard
♪ A black bell toll
♪ A little bird
♪ Did sing
♪ Man has no choice
♪ When he wants everything
♪ We'll rise above
♪ The scarlet tide
♪ That trickles down
♪ Through the mountain
♪ And separates
♪ The widow from the bride ♪
Well, that was not...
♪ The widow from the bride ♪
Well, that was not...
the afternoon I was expecting.
How are you?
I am very...
Er very...
I can't think of the word.
Call yourself an editor.
Do you have to be anywhere?
No.
Good.
You?
No...
But...
(PHONE RINGS)
We should probably...
They'll be coming back soon.
Really?
Most of them will go to the pub,
but one or two of the keen boys
might not.
The poetry lot.
Do you need a cab?
No, I'm fine. I'll...
I'll just walk.
You sure? Yeah.
It's been nice...
being with you.
Sounds a bit final.
It wasn't meant to.
You're probably right.
One-offs are always the best.
(BIG BAND MUSIC)
Hey.
♪ FRANKIE LYMON:
Why Do Fools Fall in Love?
Hey!
Hey.
What's the matter?
Nothing.
I finished it with Jackie.
You don't look... elated.
Please don't tell me you realise
she's 'the one'.
I don't think I could take it
after the day I've had.
No. She's not the one.
I just don't feel
particularly good about it.
Or myself.
Well, you had to end it sometime,
didn't you?
So why has your day been shit?
Well...
I...
I had a client who
almost blinded me. Wasn't great.
And... then I saw Duncan.
You shagged him, didn't you?
Did I?
Did I?
I probably think I did. Yep.
Well, it's what you wanted,
wasn't it?
Yeah, sort of. What, you've gone
off him now that he's into you?
No, no. It's the opposite.
He's NOT into me.
It was just a quick...
Well, it wasn't quick...
I don't want to know!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now you know how I felt
about Jackie.
At least Duncan's not your sister.
That's nice.
You can have one slice.
I will.
Jackie?
Jack?
(DOOR BUZZER)
Bambi? 'Can I come up?'
Yeah, OK.
(ANSWERPHONE BLEEPS)
'Hi, Han, it's me. I'm home.'
Patrick wants to talk. I guess
we've got a lot to talk about.
Anyhow, look, thanks for having me
and erm...
..by the way,
your best friend's a wanker.'
I did it.
I told Byron...
you know, that it just wasn't gonna
work out.
How did he take it?
Er...all right.
I really think it's just better
to cut him off
before you get too into him.
Yeah, I suppose...
All for the best. Yeah.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Who needs boys...
..when you've got girls
and Champagne?
Have you been making toast?
No, I just got in.
Why, do you want some?
No, no... I can smell it.
So can I.
I think it's coming from outside.
Oh, my God!
Byron!
Byron!
♪ Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
♪ And just like the guy whose feet
are too big for his bed
♪ Nothing seems to fit
♪ Those raindrops are fallin'
on my head, they keep fallin'...
It wasn't meant to rain.
♪ So I just did me some talkin'
to the sun
♪ And I said I didn't like the way
he got things done
♪ Sleepin' on the job...
What is kinky?
Something with kinks or twists...
Well, that's all of us, isn't it?
It's just a matter of finding
who fits with your kinks.
To be loved unconditionally...
that would be something.
♪ It won't be long
♪ Till happiness
♪ Steps up to greet me
♪ Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
♪ But that doesn't mean my eyes
will soon be turning red
reader?
I want you.
I think about you at night.
It just feels a bitstuck.
Like you've hit a wall.
Look, I think it's great -
But...
Well, maybe we just need a different
tack.
Like, 'What is kinky?
Why does 'different' do it
for some men?
Could you find someone unusual?
Would you be up for that?
Yeah.
I mean, yeah,
I'd be... I'd very, very...
up for that.
Duncan shouldn't be trying to pair
you up with some weirdo.
He's your editor, yeah, he's not
your pimp.
No, it's just research. Hannah,
you're on his books to make money.
That's what you are to him.
A cash cow.
That's sweet, Ben,
and really nicely put (!)
How's your lovely girlfriend,
by the way?
(BLENDER)
All right, all right!
How's my lovely sister, by the way?
It wasn't meant to go on like this.
You know,develop.
There is a traditional way of
dealing with that, Ben.
We call it 'finishing' with someone.
Why don't you help me here?
You're her sister.
It's better coming from you.
What?
Yeah, if you spoke to her for me,
she'd have you there, wouldn't she?
For support.
No way.
Your problem, you deal with it.
Hi, Ben. Hey...
Hi, babes.
So, how's that rich guy?
You still seeing him?
No, although he did stay at mine
last night.
He just needed somewhere to crash.
Did he pay you?
Course not! It was a laugh.
He's taking the piss, Bambi.
I'm happy, is that a crime?
God, I hope I never turn out
like you.
What?
A cynical old prozzie.
The longer it goes on, the worse
it'll be when it goes wrong.
And it has to go wrong, does it?
Yeah. It is me we're talking about,
isn't it?
No, it's not you, it's just...
the job.
Maybe they'll be the exception
to the rule.
Yeah, maybe.
So, I located Mr Kinky Sexy...
Des.
Now, I have to warm the custard
to body temperature...
(MICROWAVE BEEPS)
How am I supposed to know when...
Why didn't I listen in cookery?
Now, for this client, I have to look
impeccable.
Hi, Des. Hi, Belle.
Good to meet you.
You look nice.
Ahh!
Oh, this is for you before I forget.
Thanks, Des.
May I er...?
Thanks. Lovely.
Oh, I've got a change of clothes
with me.
Thanks for getting dressed up.
Oh, that is a lovely spread!
Perfect. Yeah?
I made it! Really?
Fantastic!
And this is your first time, is it?
Yeah. Oh, that's brilliant.
It's great when someone new
comes to it.
You are gonna love it.
It's just about letting go.
You know...
Is there somewhere I can pop this?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's just... it's just in there.
Oh, right.
Sploshing,
the art of getting wet...
and down and dirty.
I might just...
Yeah, great.
♪ My boy lollipop
♪ You make my heart go giddy up
♪ You taste as sweet as candy
♪ You're my sugar dandy
♪ My boy lollipop -
Oh, that's wicked, that is.
Good.
# Never never leave me
I'm into everything, me.
You know... Yeah?
Yeah. Mud...
Mm...
Water...
Yeah...
Beans...
Mm...
Pasta...
Beans!
Pasta!
My ex-girlfriend...
we used to see how many beans
we could fit...
in her bikini...
Yeah?
Yeah.
I'd like beans...
..in my bikini.
♪ You make my heart go giddy up
♪ You set my world on fire -
Oh, you dirty girl!
Oh, hang about...
you're going to make me come.
Is that a problem?
No, no, it's er...
Are you ready for some?
Yeah. Great.
Right, choose any of them.
Throw it at me. Aim for the face.
OK.
Are you ready for this?
Oh, no.... don't.
Wow!
# My boy lollipop
♪ You make my heart go -
My eyes!I can't see!
Oh, hang on.
Here's a towel.
Oh, thanks.
Are you all right?
Yeah...
I just...
Right...
Are you all right?
Yeah. OK...
What shall we do now, then?
I don't mind. You choose.
No, no... You choose.
Beans?
Beans...
You're gonna love this.
Yeah, I can feel I am.
Top or bottom?
Surprise me!
Knickers then.
OK!
Is that all of them?
No, no, no.
I'm just seeing how you like it.
A bit faster or slower?
I really don't mind.
There's more, is there?
You're not enjoying any of this,
are you?
there's no point carrying on if you
don't like it. No, it's just...
just my ankle, then my eye,
the cream...
It's only cream. Yeah.
Look, I... I think I better
clean up and go.
It's obviously not your thing.
I just... I just think I'm
not the right girl to splosh with.
All right. All right.
How am I gonna write that up?
I'm gonna need some help.
A firm editorial hand...
What?!
'The Rules' are there to be broken.
Now what I'm about to do
requires courage,
focus...
and most important of all
the right...
..shoes.
I love you!
Hello. Hi.
Where is everyone?
Oh, they're at a sales conference.
The event of the year.
But you're not there...
No.
Won't you be missed?
Lots of people telling each other
how fantastic their departments are
isn't my idea of fun.
What is your idea of fun,
Duncan?
That dress, the cut of it...
How would you get into something
like that?
It's got a zip.
Here. See?
And the shoes? Do you like these?
Yeah, they're great.
Very erm...
Fuckable?
I was going to say vintage.
Duncan...
Belle...
Can we just tell the truth?
That'sa big ask for this time
of day.
But we can try.
You go first.
Sorry, that was...
a really bad idea, wasn't it?
Yeah,that was...
..really...
..terrible.
This is great, isn't it?
(LAPPING WATER, TWEETING BIRDS)
I thought you said a picnic.
Jackie...
Yeah?
I can't do this.
You can.
You're doing it, look.
It's only like riding a bike.
No, I mean us.
Oh, right...
Right...
♪ Help
♪ I have done it again
♪ I have been here
♪ Many times before
♪ Hurt myself...
Hiya. I got you a bike.
Yeah? But I forgot to buy
a bloody lock thing for it,
so we'd best get it up there quick,
anyway.
You all right? You look a bit...
I need to talk to you.
OK...
(HONKS)
What?
You can't just turn up here.
Well, you're scaring me now.
No, please. I'm serious.
What? Don't...
We met because...
you wanted to pay me for sex...
and... and now...
Now... Now we don't have to do all that.
No, no, we don't. But...
We're in very
different positions here.
You were my client and I'm a
prostitute,
and that's never going to go away.
I don't care.
Not now. But you will.
And it'll be worse because we'll be
totally involved.
I don't wanna get hurt like that.
I won't hurt you.
You don't know that.
Is it because you think I'm odd?
No.
No, no, it's not you -
Stupid...
fucking bike!
I have to go. I'm late...
..for a client.
♪ Well, I recall
♪ His parting words
♪ Must I accept
♪ His fate
♪ Or take myself
♪ Far from this place
♪ I thought I heard
♪ A black bell toll
♪ A little bird
♪ Did sing
♪ Man has no choice
♪ When he wants everything
♪ We'll rise above
♪ The scarlet tide
♪ That trickles down
♪ Through the mountain
♪ And separates
♪ The widow from the bride ♪
Well, that was not...
♪ The widow from the bride ♪
Well, that was not...
the afternoon I was expecting.
How are you?
I am very...
Er very...
I can't think of the word.
Call yourself an editor.
Do you have to be anywhere?
No.
Good.
You?
No...
But...
(PHONE RINGS)
We should probably...
They'll be coming back soon.
Really?
Most of them will go to the pub,
but one or two of the keen boys
might not.
The poetry lot.
Do you need a cab?
No, I'm fine. I'll...
I'll just walk.
You sure? Yeah.
It's been nice...
being with you.
Sounds a bit final.
It wasn't meant to.
You're probably right.
One-offs are always the best.
(BIG BAND MUSIC)
Hey.
♪ FRANKIE LYMON:
Why Do Fools Fall in Love?
Hey!
Hey.
What's the matter?
Nothing.
I finished it with Jackie.
You don't look... elated.
Please don't tell me you realise
she's 'the one'.
I don't think I could take it
after the day I've had.
No. She's not the one.
I just don't feel
particularly good about it.
Or myself.
Well, you had to end it sometime,
didn't you?
So why has your day been shit?
Well...
I...
I had a client who
almost blinded me. Wasn't great.
And... then I saw Duncan.
You shagged him, didn't you?
Did I?
Did I?
I probably think I did. Yep.
Well, it's what you wanted,
wasn't it?
Yeah, sort of. What, you've gone
off him now that he's into you?
No, no. It's the opposite.
He's NOT into me.
It was just a quick...
Well, it wasn't quick...
I don't want to know!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now you know how I felt
about Jackie.
At least Duncan's not your sister.
That's nice.
You can have one slice.
I will.
Jackie?
Jack?
(DOOR BUZZER)
Bambi? 'Can I come up?'
Yeah, OK.
(ANSWERPHONE BLEEPS)
'Hi, Han, it's me. I'm home.'
Patrick wants to talk. I guess
we've got a lot to talk about.
Anyhow, look, thanks for having me
and erm...
..by the way,
your best friend's a wanker.'
I did it.
I told Byron...
you know, that it just wasn't gonna
work out.
How did he take it?
Er...all right.
I really think it's just better
to cut him off
before you get too into him.
Yeah, I suppose...
All for the best. Yeah.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Who needs boys...
..when you've got girls
and Champagne?
Have you been making toast?
No, I just got in.
Why, do you want some?
No, no... I can smell it.
So can I.
I think it's coming from outside.
Oh, my God!
Byron!
Byron!
♪ Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
♪ And just like the guy whose feet
are too big for his bed
♪ Nothing seems to fit
♪ Those raindrops are fallin'
on my head, they keep fallin'...
It wasn't meant to rain.
♪ So I just did me some talkin'
to the sun
♪ And I said I didn't like the way
he got things done
♪ Sleepin' on the job...
What is kinky?
Something with kinks or twists...
Well, that's all of us, isn't it?
It's just a matter of finding
who fits with your kinks.
To be loved unconditionally...
that would be something.
♪ It won't be long
♪ Till happiness
♪ Steps up to greet me
♪ Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
♪ But that doesn't mean my eyes
will soon be turning red