Secret Diary of a Call Girl (2007–2011): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript

Saturday afternoon at the movies.

A real girlfriend...going on a real
date.

I'm just not sure if that's me.

You see, this is why I don't do
relationships.

Dates. I don't understand the rules.
Who's in charge? Who pays?

Lucky. Last two tickets.

So what are we going to see again?

It's a French Canadian documentary
about Alzheimer's. It's hilarious.

Really?
No! No, it's a comedy.

Time Out calls it "the perfect date
movie", so no pressure.

I've never seen a movie without Will
Ferrell or a talking dog before.



Oh, I'm touched.
You should be.

Can I pay you for the tickets?
No, of course not.

Can I go halves?
No, put it away.

(COINS FALL)
Oh, shit!

(BUZZER)
My 12:30. Tony.

He also wants a girlfriend.

The GFE.

The Girlfriend Experience.
90 minutes. £400 worth of chat.

And cuddles.

I know it doesn't make sense but
somehow this is easier.

This is the kind of girlfriend
I can be.

Christ, sorry I'm late.
Total mare at the office.

I know. Should have seen the FTSE 100
this morning.

Up, down, buy, sell.



Take the piss all you want.

You know you still love us city
boys.

Yeah, it's strange, isn't it? Must be
that sense of self-importance.

(LAUGHS) Cheeky bint!

You didn't tell me you got
a pay rise.

Yeah, a guy in Mergers put me on to
his tailor. It's lovely.

Thank you. He's a brilliant bloke.

Trained Savile Row, works out of
Camden.

Not cheap, though.

Well, the best things never are.
(LAUGHS)

Men like Tony...they don't have time
for a real relationship.

With their six-figure salaries and
their 70-hour working weeks.

They don't want to come home to PMT,
a dressing gown and a gluten
intolerance.

Me...

I'll eat anything.

(PANTING)

# My name is Blossom

# I was raised in a lion's den

# My nightly occupation

# Stealing other women's men

OK... OK, go.

# I'm an evil, evil woman

# But I want to do a man some good

(MOANS HEAVILY)

# I'm an evil, evil woman

# And I want to do a man some good

# I'm Gina Lollobrigida

# I ain't Red Riding Hood #

(BUZZER)

Hello?
I want to talk to you.

I'm sorry but who is this?

Let me in or I will scream and I
will tell every single person

in this building that you're fucking
my husband.

I'm sorry, I have no idea who you
are.

I'm his wife. I'm Matt's wife.

Matt?
My husband.

The man you're sleeping with.
I'm really sorry -

I followed him. I saw him press
your number. He was here.

I don't know who you're talking
about. He just left five minutes ago.

Don't lie to me.

Tony.
Tony?

Is that what he calls himself?

He's Matt. Matt Hexton and he's
married.

Did he tell you that?

No. No, I don't suppose he told you
much.

Too busy shagging.

-Please...-What? They know what you
do, don't they?

They know you wreck people's
marriages.

No, I'm not going anywhere!

Tell me, how long have you been
having an affair?

We're not having an affair.
He was here for over an hour.

I was outside.
You have to go. I can't help you.

I was timing you. What were you
doing if you weren't having sex?

Any problem you have with your
husband -

Yes, you said it, he's MY husband.
Yes, I know.

Then what are you doing with him?

We have an arrangement.

What? What are you talking about?

I'm not in love with your husband.

I have no feelings for him
whatsoever.

He...

He pays me...

..for my services.

Oh, God... Oh, God...
Come through here.

(VOMITS)

It's nice to know I have this effect
on people.

(SMASH OF GLASS)

Hello? Excuse me, is everything all
right in there?

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

'Hello?'
Hey, it's Alex.

I've got a quick question for you.

When I'm old and prolapsed
and I can't get to the pub

without help, will you kill me?

I don't know. 'Come on,
I need to know you'd do it.

Bag over the head, pills in the
Ovaltine?'

If there's to be any future for us.

Well, we'll just have...

I hurt my hand.
Er, thanks for calling.

Hello?

I'm sure there's some up here.

Oh, erm...do you want a cup of tea,
or...?

A biscuit? You might need something
sweet, you know...blood sugar...

Why would he pay for it?

Is it something weird?
Sorry?

Why he comes to you -
is it something...kinky.

Does he like to dress up?
Is that it?

Is he a transvestite?

Why would you think that?
His dad's a vicar.

It's nothing like that.

Why couldn't he just get a
girlfriend or shag his secretary?

He couldn't even manage that. Easier
for him just to...

pull out his credit card.

What happens here is...it's just sex.

It's nothing...

What you have, a marriage,
it's much more -

Christ! What the hell would
you know?

To prostitutes even have
relationships?

Do they? Have you got a boyfriend?

He always was a selfish bastard.

That's why we waited so long before
having kids.

He wasn't prepared to give up his
bachelor bloody lifestyle.

You've got children?

Twins. Six months.

Hardly surprising
we don't have much sex.

He's always working and I'm sat on
the sofa breast-feeding

like some old sow.

I used to have great tits.

Sometimes when I'm at home,

I do those survey things
where you tick a box

to see how strong
your relationship is.

I know they're ridiculous.

I know they're just some stupid
thing in a magazine,

but I always...always get a really
high score.

We do...

You think that sounds pathetic,
don't you? No, I don't.

I do.

I'm going to clean your bathroom.
There's glass.

No, don't worry, it's fine.
No, I want to.

No, no, no, really, it's not
necessary.

Look, please, I made the mess.

You must see everything here.

Men...

what they really want.

What DO they want?

Well...

One gentleman likes to dress up as a
tennis player

while I play with his...new balls.

(GIGGLES) Men...

What's this?
Oh, you don't need to touch that.

Erm...it's a plug.
(BUZZES)

Oh, it vibrates!

It's a butt plug.

Oh! (VOMITS)

Is it just me or some days does it
feel like...everyone wants you?

This is for you.

It's Balenciaga, to say thank you.

What for?
Everything.

Honestly, just walking down the
street on the way here,

I could feel the eyes on me.
I mean, I know I'm hot, but...

You're working, aren't you?
How did you guess?

It's just what happens.
When you're an escort, men...

Well, some men,
they can just sense it.

I don't know. Well, I'm doing it
properly this time.

I've seen Stephanie
and she's taken me on.
Proper clients, proper security.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
Oh, sorry, babes, hang on.

All right, sweetie? No, no, no,
course not. I'm just with a friend.

No, not like that. (GIGGLES)

Listen, I've got to go, so you hold
that thought. Ciao!

Oh, he sounds really sweet.

He's a time-waster
and he'll never make a booking.

Tell him your not a chat line, never
take his calls again. Seriously?

Look, just...don't get carried away.

All right? The money, the attention -
it's just a job.

And in the end, people will take what
they can and judge you for it.

Be careful -
that's what I'm trying to say.

See? Where would I be without you?

Shit, Han.
Yeah, shit indeed.

So go on, what did she do then?

Screeching, bit of casual vomiting,

just to show quite how disgusting
she found me.

You know, I always thought something
like this might happen.

Why? All these guys have wives,
don't they?

Not all of them, no.
Most of them.

So how did you leave it?

Well, obviously she left.
Are you going to keep in touch?

Course (!) We thought we'd make it
a regular thing,

seeing as we had so much in common.

Shall we do one?

What shall we do now? I don't want
to go home.

What, in case wifey's still there,
behind the door?

(LAUGHS) I'm so glad you find it
amusing.

Come on, I haven't been out in ages.

I can't. Not tonight.

We could go to that Thai place with
the fat guy. He sings on Wednesdays.

I can't, I'm on kitchen duty.
What?

We take it in turns cooking for each
other, me and Vanessa.

Tofu Stroganoff in St Albans.
The excitement must be unbearable!

You'd be surprised.

Yeah, I would.

Come on. Just a quick one!
Come on, one drink.

I can't. She's picking me up from
the station. Your loss.

All right, I'll do it.
'Too late. I've changed my mind.'

Euthanasia's very last week.
That's a shame (!)

You'll get over it. I was thinking
about cryogenics.

Got a big freezer?

Bye.

Nutter.

What have you done?

She was here. She saw you come in.

I didn't have a choice.

Well, that's it, then, isn't it?

That's it, it's over. It's fucking
over. Eight years of marriage.

Erm...

I'm really sorry, Tony.

It's Matt. My name is Matt.

Well, it's erm...

It's really got nothing to do with
me. You need to talk to your wife.

Talk to her?

She won't even make eye contact
with me.

She won't even let me hold
the twins.

How can I even begin to fix this

if she won't even look at me?

Hold me, please.

Matt...
I can't lose you as well.

If you want to be here, then...

What?
..with me, you...

Oh, God, yes.

Of course, I'm sorry. Sorry, erm...

A client/escort relationship should
have clear boundaries.

Anything else just...doesn't work.

Oh, yeah.

(SIGHS) Yeah...yeah...

God, doesn't that give you jaw ache?

Cooey!

What? What's going on? Why have you
stopped? Nothing. Sorry.

Oh, so that's what he likes!
What's the matter?

Nothing.

I can't do this with you here.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, dear. I thought you were
supposed to be a professional.

Right, er... Let's try something
else, shall we?

Ahem...

No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, don't stop.

Please don't stop.

No, sorry, I can't do this any more.

What? What's happened?

Sorry, I'll refund your money.
Money?

I don't want the bloody money.
What's going on?

This has nothing to do with me.
You need to speak to your wife.

You can't just pretend this isn't
happening! The tart with the heart!

Talk to your wife, sort your marriage
out. I can't see you any more. What?!

You're breaking up with me?
We were never together!

Relationships.

How do people do them?

I've no idea.

# The blank pages of my diary

This is why I shouldn't go anywhere
near them.

# That I haven't touched
since you left me

This is why I shouldn't even drive.

# The closed blinds in my home

# See no light of day

# Dust gathers on my stereo

# Cos I can't bear...

Hi, Alex, it's me.

Erm...

Can I come over for an hour?

OK.

All right, bye.

# I'm scared to face another day

# Cos the fear in me...

Here you are.
Your times starts...now. Coffee?

I'm just not ready to be
a girlfriend.

Shit, no milk. Sorry.

Anybody's girlfriend.
Or, indeed, any coffee.

I'm a mess.

Alex, are you actually listening to
anything I'm saying?

Of course. You're telling me in an
oh so delightful way

that you want to break up with me.
The thing is...

you're not a mess. You're gorgeous.

I ju... I just don't think it's fair
on you

to start something and...

You walk out on me in my hotel room,

you run out on me at dinner,
you constantly hang up on me.

That sounds like a relationship
to me.

Let's just stop. Let's just be
friends. I don't want to be friends.

I wanna do things to you that I don't
wanna do to my friends.

Alex, I can't go out with you.

Irish coffee? Except without the
coffee,

which would be whiskey.
I'm not what you want.

You're exactly what I want.
I'm not.

It's really complicated.
I love complicated.

Cos it's interesting, it's exciting.

It's just...I'm not very good...
erm...at just opening up.

Or sharing...

I'm a very private person.

I'm not asking you to tell me things,
to divulge your innermost.

I mean, Jesus, who really knows
everything about anyone?

Why would you really want to?

Do you really believe that?

I do.

Hannah...

..we're just starting.

Don't run scared already.

No, don't.
Why?

No, cos I'm trying to break up
with you.

Tough, tough.

Can't always get what you want.

Shit, I'm going to be late.

My boss is very punctual.

An overrated quality.

I've gotta go.
Oh!

Oh, Hannah...
Yeah?

I really enjoyed breaking up
with you.

Can we do it again soon, please?
(GIGGLES)

# Like a sound you hear
that lingers in your ear

# But you can't forget
From sundown to sunset...

My 9:30. He also wants the
girlfriend experience.

He likes to lie in bed, watch movies
and hold my hand.

It's nice.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?
Hey, it's me.

What are you doing?

Nothing much, just getting ready
for work.

I hope that you're thinking about me.

(GIGGLES)

I met someone.
What do you mean?

Hey!

Is he better looking than me?
Is that actually possible?

Come clean to him and I'll come and
have lunch with you.

So, are you going to tell Alex the
truth or shall I?

transcript : chocolate
sync : innuit