Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 7, Episode 6 - My Number One Doctor - full transcript

Though Elliot boasts that through private practice she gets to get to know her patients, nobody seems to care. Carla is amazed at how the Janitor was able to score such an attractive girlfriend.

- You've got something on your face.
- What?

Yeah, me.

Oh, God. Oh, my God, I feel like such a
ho-bag, but I'm still glad I did it.

I do declare spending special
relationary time with my girlfriend

makes me happier than
a bullfrog in a beetle bin.

Why are you talking like that?

'Cause I'm smitten with my girlfriend,
Lady, and this is my smitten voice.

Why? What voice do you use
when you're smitten?

My normal voice.

You know what? You hide it well,
but you're a very strange person.


How'd I do?

Seventeen. That's impressive.
But I'm going to kick your ass.

And... Time.

What's going on, C-Bizzle?

We're seeing who can last the longest
in Mr Seller's room.

He has a fungal infection
under the fat flaps in his stomach.

It smells like the time I accidentally
put lzzy's doo-doo diaper

in the microwave.

- You guys are playing Smelly Belly?
- Time.

- Sixteen seconds.
- Come on!

I win.
See, that's what I'm talking about.

That's how it goes when you fight me!

Hold on, Turk. Let's not declare victory
until we give a shot to Dr John Dorian

and his nostrils of steel.

Your nose can't handle
smells of that magnitude.

Make some room.

On the clock.

You have got to be kidding me.

That is the most disgusting thing
I've ever smelled.

And a sugar-free latte for the winner.

Victory tastes delicious.

You guys aren't even friends.

Why do you spend so much time
competing over everything?

Because we're men,
and that is what men do.

Now a quick look to Turk to see if that
is what men do.

What do you know?

Don't forget, I crushed you in
"Find the Vein in the Junkie."

Yeah, but I beat you good at gauzeball.

That's nothing.
Yesterday, I won free muffins for life

by guessing how many
coffee beans were in that there jar.

Actually, they had a recount.
You came in second.

What? Who came in first?

Do you know the muffin man
the muffin man

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office
going to town on these bad boys.

Have you seen the muffin man
the muffin man

Why are you guys so obsessed with
reliving everything you've won?

Because we're winners,

and that's what winners do.

Back to Turk for confirmation.

Damn it!

If you'd ever won anything,
you'd know what we were talking about.

I've won something, Perry.

We threw our nerd farther than yours.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Suck it, bitch!

I think their nerd is unconscious.

We should probably roll him over.

That's the moment I realised
I wanted to be a doctor.

Every doctor has their own way
of dealing with patients.

Turk was all about efficiency.

Why are you standing on a chair?

Because from this spot, I can see into
four rooms without actually going in.

Check it.
Patients of Dr Turk, how are we?

- Okay!
- All good!


The guy has a tongue surgery.
He's actually okay, though.

Elliot preferred a more
personal approach.

Shannon, what's happening, girlfriend?

Yeah, I know I can't pull off calling
someone "girlfriend,"

- but she likes it, so...
- I do. Can't help it.

Shannon's back.
It's been so great getting to know her.

See, that's the great thing about
being in private practice.

You get to treat the same
patients all the...

Come on, you guys!

People are sleeping here.

Well, I guess you think it's so funny...
Wait, why am I whispering?

Listen, Barbie, I'd love to take credit
for this idea,

but it was all big Bobby Kelso.

Come on. Heck.

Quick announcement.

I have signed Sacred Heart up
for a website

called Rate YourDoc. Org,

where patients can evaluate
and score their doctors.

I think it's going to lead to
better patient care.

And, if along the way, you all become
paranoid and overly competitive,

happy birthday to me.

Dr Kelso, I became a doctor
to save lives, heal wounds,

and occasionally drop
the M.D. Bomb to pull hot tail in bars.

You know what else works?
Cosmonaut. Try it. Thank me later.


Oh, I reckon my Lady's as pretty as
a porcupine on roller skates.

That doesn't even make sense.

That's what we smitten folk
call a metaphor.

You, young lady,

have a head as empty as
a whippoorwill in a tub of moonshine.

There you go.

He's out of his fricking mind.

How does that woman go out with him?

Well, I would say love is blind,
but we both know that isn't true.

My love for Enid falls a percentage
point with every pound she gains.

Since our wedding day,
I am 136% less in love with her.

You're really gonna comment
on your wife's weight

when you got muffins
stuffed down your pants?

I like them warm.

So, you're experiencing vomiting
and shortness of breath,

neither of which are consistent
with your ALS.

It's hard to be comfortable
around terminal patients,

but Shannon made it easy.

- So how's the ALS progressing?
- It's been a blast.

Her legs are fully paralysed
and her arms are on their way.

That does sound fun.

Yeah, but you know what?
I think I'm ready for all this.

Said goodbye to all my friends.

Hell, I even had my funeral already.

She looked so beautiful in her casket.

I'm sure you did.

I wasn't in a casket.

I know that.
Come on, who would do that?

Except for vampires.

I told you he was gullible.

Shannon, I hate to leave,

but I really want to get these
down to the lab for testing.


I can stay.

So you went to your own funeral, huh?

- Were people sad enough for you?
- Most of them.

And anyone that wasn't crying
got a talking-to.

You should've invited me.
I can cry on cue. Say "dead puppies."

Dead puppies.

Connecting with patients
always came easier to me

than it did to some others.

Have a good day, Mr Walmer.

Wow, you actually learned
your patient's name.

Maybe if you don't kill him
in the operating room,

you can take him out dancing.

I doubt it. I'm amputating his foot later.

But he's still going
to give me a good review.

See, we're DBFFs.

Diabetic Best Friends Forever.

You don't usually
bond with your patients.

You're not changing who you are as
a doctor to get good ratings, are you?

Hell to the no.

Are you?


So, you're declining chemo
because Wikipedia

says that raw food diet
reverses the effects of bone cancer.

Well, hey,

any info you have that I can pass on to
my other patients would just be super.

And by the by,
while you're on your computer,

perhaps you could jump over to
a little site called Rate YourDoc. Org?


Patients of Dr Turk,

would you like any one-on-one time
with your surgeon?

- Please.
- Sure.

- Yeah.
- Love to.

A private consultation with my surgeon
would be very much appreciated,

thank you.

Damn, someone's tongue
is healing fast.

There. I gave you five stars.

Thank you.

And now I have to take your laptop
from you,

as I've deemed you just
too darn stupid to use it.

You see those bell peppers
that you're munching?

They aren't going to do
a truckload of jack

against the cancer
raging inside of your body.

Of course, I've only been a doctor
for some 20 years,

and the person who
wrote that Wikipedia entry

also authored
the Battlestar Galactica episode guide.

So what the heck do I know?

But if you feel like living, page me.

- So, "Lady" is an unusual name.
- Tell me about it.

I was conceived after my parents saw
the movie Lady and the Tramp.

- That's so sweet.
- Yeah.

Got to go meet my guy out front.
Nice meeting you, Carla.

So, you'll never believe this.

Lady is normal.

I'm sorry.
Did you also win free muffins for life?

I didn't think so.

Now let me read
the final Harry Potter novel in peace.

Everyone's already read that.

Yes, but if anyone divulges any details
to me...

What happens, Murphy?

You draw Harry Potter glasses
on their face in permanent marker.

That's right.

Now, I don't give a hoot about
the Janitor and his gal pal, okay?

So shove off.

You wouldn't dare draw on me,

and I already know whether
Harry lives or dies at the end.

So Lady's completely normal, huh?

Can you believe that?

Hi, Elliot, what's up?

Good news.
Your symptoms aren't ALS-related.

You just took too many baclofens.
You probably just mixed up your meds.

In a hospital, little mysteries
get solved every day.

You look nice.

I'm just glad to get out of that uni
and into my regular clothes.

That's why she likes him.
He's pretending to be normal.

No way! Too much?

Sometimes the answer's
right in front of your face.

- You've got to be kidding me.
- It has to be an error.

Are you guys still looking
at that stupid website?

I told you, those ratings are meaning...

I'm number one!
The number one doctor!

Yes! Yes! Number one, number one.

I gotta make a quick phone call.

Call Mommy.

And sometimes you never
could've seen it coming.

You gotta be more careful
with your medications.

I mean, the baclofens aren't so bad,

but if you took too many
benzodiazepines, you could've died.

Then that's definitely
what I'll do next time.


Why would you purposefully overdose?

You know the answer to that.
I've said my goodbyes.

And soon, I won't be able to
move my arms or even speak.

I am literally going to die
entombed in this body,

a lifeless burden to Gayle.

- Who's Gayle?
- My home care nurse.

I know she's sweet,
but she's a little silly for my taste.

Oh, God, she's flying.

How's she getting her scarf
to blow like that?

I get to go next.

Elliot, I want things to end
on my terms.

And in a few months,
I won't even be able to do that.

Why are you telling me all of this?

I mean, this goes against
everything that I stand for.

Shannon, I'm your doctor.

I know,

but you're also my friend.

One blueberry, please.

Because I can.

So what do you want to do tonight?

Well, it's Friday, which is date night.
So perhaps we should see a movie

and then get some ice cream
while we walk and hold hands.

I vote yes.

What the hell are you doing? Khaki?
You never wear khaki.

- My uniform is khaki.
- Your uniform is blue.

- No.
- Yes.

- Leave me alone.
- Yeah, right.

Are you coming?

Well, I might as well. Miriam here
has already ruined the book for me.

The Rate YourDoc website
also had a comments section.

Come on.
"What's up with Dr Cox's hair?

"One week he's bald, and the next
week he looks like Shirley Temple?

"Signed, Michelle M."

Oh, it's called "Rate YourDoc. Org."

I'm on a completely different,
more awesome site. See?


Can I borrow your laptop
just for a second, please? Thank you.

Yup. Still number one.

Now to put the cursor back
on Dr Turk,

who's lower down on the ranking list.

Scrolling down, scrolling, scrolling...
Fake watch. Scrolling, scrolling.

There he is, all the way at the bottom,
right above Dr Murphy here.

How can I be last?

All my patients are dead.

Doug, do you remember that guy
you put in the morgue drawer?

Turns out he was just heavily sedated.

Oh, yeah, you're right.
All the comments are from him.

My ALS patient just told me
she tried to kill herself.

Shannon? What are you gonna do?

Well, Barbie, you have two choices.
You can either tell on her

or look the other way.

Now, me, I'd go ahead
and crank up the Moody Blues

and suffocate her with a pillow.

Of course, I'm a helper.

- As always, thank you.
- Welcome.

Someone named Coco Bosco wrote
that she's sick of me saying,

"That's what I'm talking about."

But sometimes that is
what I'm talking about.

Tell me this. Do you like her?

Well, I've never met her before, but no.

In fact, I may hate her.

I'm talking about Lady.

If you like her, you can't keep
lying to her about who you are.


Lie forever.

It's the natural form of communication
between men and women.

Hell, Enid still thinks
it's too snowy to go outside.

I spray the windows
with shaving cream

to keep her out of the yard.

Her wheelchair tears up the grass.

Until you let Lady know the real you,
your relationship is not real,

and it's going to end.

I don't want it to end.

That's his sad voice.

We can't lose to J.D.
I don't care what it takes.

I thought he was your best friend.

Yeah, well, winning is
way more important than friendship.

My gram-gram taught me that.

His patients love him.

How do we undo that?

After you're done rating me
on Rate YourDoc. Org,

go to my website, TheToddTime. Com,

and be sure to check out
the "Tranny Todd" feature.

It lets you see what the big dog
looks like with girl parts.

Ma'am, the key to a speedy recovery
is less moaning, more boning.

Sure as my name is Dr John Dorian.

That's what I'm talking about!

I said it again.


Hey. I've been looking for you.

Can you imagine what it's like to know
that you're going to be trapped

in your own body,
just waiting for your misery to end?

Elliot, you can't let this girl
do this again.

You gotta tell Gayle
so she can police it.

But maybe dying
is the right choice for her.

Well, I don't think
it's the right choice for you.

You know, as doctors,

sometimes we have to
protect ourselves first.

And I know you better than anybody.

You've always believed in
the sanctity of life.

If you let this girl kill herself,
it's gonna haunt you forever.

I could handle it.

You remember when you were treating
that teenager and you broke his iPod?

You felt so guilty,
you let him take you to prom.

Yeah, well, I left early,
and I barely put out.

I just don't want you to get hurt.

You're right.

I'll tell Gayle.


Do you know that I'm
the number one doctor in the hospital?

Yes, J.D. I got all the e-mails.

Hi. Aren't we going out?
What's with the jumpsuit?

Okay, first of all,

if we're going to make it,
not a jumpsuit.

- Shirt, belt, pants.
- Okay.

Secondly, I think it's time
that you knew the real me.

All right, here we go.

I'm not like normal people.

I don't have superpowers,
but I'm working on it.

For instance, watch me move this pen.

It worked at home. I don't know.
Maybe my table is slanted.

Anyway, in my spare time,
I also enjoy stuffing animals.

Usually with other animals.

For instance, a badger
will hold five squirrels.

A squirrel will hold most of a cat.

A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole.

You get the idea. Circle of life.

I have broken the sound barrier,
but you must never ask me how.

I don't believe in the moon.

I think it's just the back of the sun.

I love a good train wreck.

Furthermore, I think if you look closely
at a monkey...

Stop it, you.
She doesn't know you're joking.

- No, I'm...
- He's joking? Thank God.

And so the lying begins.

You big joker.

Go change and I'll meet you outside.

What just happened?
Did I black out? Did the pen move?

You have to dole out your crazy
in little pieces.

You can't do it all at once.

All right.

Hey, what do you say, 23?

Oh, my God. Another new nickname.
But what does it mean?

Play it cool, 23.
You'll find out eventually.

That's what they call me.
Why do they call me that?

It's your new website ranking.

- What? How did I drop so low?
- You know, after I fix that gall bladder,

you might want me to do something
about those flat boobies.

All I wanted to do was
win at something, for once,

and when I finally do, you have to go...

Excuse me. But do you really want
me here for a lecture

that I'm not gonna feel
the least bit guilty about?


Him, I expected this from, but you?

I mean, you're my closest friend.
In college, we shared a toothbrush.

- I was not aware of that.
- We did.

Look, man, is there anything I can do
to make it up to you?

Here you go, buddy.
Your very own unicorn.

She's glorious!

- Turk!
- My bad.

Is there anything I can do to
make it up to you?

Here's your unicorn!

Turk! She's beautiful!
Look at her mane...

- Turk!
- I gotta tell you, unicorns aren't real.

- Stop it!
- They're not real.

There's nothing you can do.

What if I let you beat me in basketball
while the nurses watch?

Can we yell "White Lightning"
every time I make a basket?

- We always do.
- Back in.

- Okay.
- Come on, Bizzle.

Gayle's pulling the car around.
So I guess this is...

Don't. You know I hate the "G" word.

Elliot, thank you for everything.

You've been an amazing friend to me.

- White Lightning!
- White Lightning!

Dude, enough practise lay-ups.
I'm getting hoarse.

- White Lightning!
- White Lightning!

Are you even listening to me?

When you have something you have to
get off your chest,

there are a couple of things
you can do.

You can test the water.

Check this out.
I found it at a garage sale.

- Oh, my God! That is disgusting.
- Yeah, I know. I think so, too.

I just wanted to make sure
we're on the same page.

Or you can come completely clean.

I talked to Kelso
about the whole Todd thing,

and you're back at number one.

That's what I'm talking about!

I figured since you can't say it
any more, maybe I could have it.


Of course, if you're really
the number one doctor,

you might end up
keeping things to yourself.

Is there anything else I need to know?

No. Nothing else.

Even if it will haunt you forever.