Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 7, Episode 7 - My Bad Too - full transcript

J.D.'s teenage burn patient gives him a hard decision to make when he wants to go to his high school graduation.

- Turk, I totally ruined lzzy's life.
- Already? It's only 8:30.

I totally forgot there was a parents'
meeting for her playgroup this morning.

Now she's going to get kicked out.

She won't have any friends.
She's going to drop out of high school.

She's going to start dating
some gangbanger,

who you're going to harass
over and over and over again

to get his life together until he snaps
and shoots you in the face.

Oh, my God!

Whoa. Wow, you're bringing the crazy
extra hard today, huh?

- Take a deep breath.
- Okay.

You're the most amazing mom
I've ever seen.

One tiny mistake can't ruin
something that good.

That's the sweetest thing
you've ever said to me.

It is?

This is going to come back to you
in a good way.

What kind of a good way?
In the boudoir, right? Up high.

We're getting a little old to be making
such a big deal out of having sex.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm just playing, man!

Thank goodness. When you said that,
I died a little inside.

Give it up for me getting some!

- Upstairs!
- Downstairs!

I don't really like "downstairs."

Really? Well, I wanted to try it.
You ready to do this?

As attending physicians,
it was important

that Turk and I took an interest
in the interns.

All right. You're Space Invaders!

Try and stay together,
for goodness' sake.

Game on!

Eat it!

All right, Boon, you're the Mother Ship.

Josephine, use your annoying voice
to make the Mother Ship sound. Go.

Somebody get him some ice!

Does anyone know why we did that?

Because you're so mean and stupid?

No. We did it to teach you
an important lesson about medicine,

which we'll reveal to you
once you've changed into dry scrubs.

- What's the lesson?
- I don't know.

We need to come up with
something quick though,

because Boon has a concussion,
and his father's a lawyer.

What could we have
been teaching them?

All right, listen up.
I'll tell you one thing, people.

You've got to be ready for
anything this hospital throws at you.

- That's perfect.
- I'll go tell the interns.

Wait, wait. Let me write it down
so you don't forget.

That's a good idea.


I've got an overweight patient
back there

who has already had
his stomach stapled

and is now taking diet medication
that gives you painful diarrhoea

whenever you eat more than
15 grams of fat at one sitting.

Anyone want to guess
what he's in the hospital for?

I'll give you a hint. It is very painful
and it rhymes with "shmiarrhoea."

You know what? Here is an idea.

Patients should just pay me
to take the food right out of their hands

before they even have a chance
to cram it down

those disgusting doughnut-mashers
they call mouths.

I mean, honestly...

God, Perry,
how many times do I have to say it?

We're tired of your speeches.

If you can't stop,
I'll have to hire an orchestra

to play that award show music

they use to hustle long-winded
Hollywood fruitcakes off the stage.

I'm just sick and tired of...

Do you think I should try my new

"I'll take that food right
out of your hands" diet on him?

Does it matter what I say?

- Does it ever?
- No.

Some burns are so bad
they still get our attention.

Emery, my name is Dr Dorian.

I'm gonna take good care of you, okay?
I promise.

Speaking of getting badly burned...

I'll tell you why I threw water balloons
at y'all, all right?

I threw water balloons
at you guys because...

- I'm so calling my dad.
- You're in trouble now, Mr Man.

I'm gonna kill J.D.

So, Emery,
your skin grafts are looking great.

It should only be a few more weeks
and we'll have you in physical therapy.

No, I have to be out of here
by this Saturday.

Why? You got a...

Careful, he's a burn victim.
Don't say "hot date."

Hot rendezvous?

- Damn it.
- No, it's my high school graduation.

Look, all my friends are going off
to different colleges.

This is the last time
that we'll be together.

Please, just don't make me miss this.

I'll see what I can do.

Turk, don't forget to get your shift
covered tonight.

It's the six-year anniversary
of our first date.

I hope the present you got me
is a good one,

because the one I got you is slamming.

- I can't wait.
- Okay.

So what's the big gift there, Gordon?

- Who?
- Black guy from Sesame Street.

Well, the past couple of months,
I've secretly been taking classes

and listening to tapes and I have
learned Spanish for my baby.

That's fantastic.
It only took you six years

to learn the language
that your wife speaks.


I've been eavesdropping.
I got Lady a real gift

for our one-month anniversary.

I cured her fear of the unknown.

Women are like crows.
They like shiny things,

classy stuff they can wear in
their ears, around their necks,

- through their nipples.
- Crows have nipples?

Don't listen to them, C-Bear.
It's an amazing gift.

Plus, you know how everyone's rude
to those day labourers

across the street?

Now we can finally talk to them.

Turk, look at the size of this churro.

And over there, there's a lake filled
entirely with guacamole.

I'm sorry, I don't speak the Spanish-ita.

Is that gonna be a problem?

Do you guys have any idea
when the black guy's coming down?

Because he has the car keys.


That place is pi?ata!


you're an ambulance driver now?

That's right, bro. Driving an amby.

Emergency something-something.

Coolio. So how does it compare
to delivering packages?

- Excuse me.
- What is it, bro?

Shouldn't I ride in back
with my fingers?

- Pretty much the same. Late.
- Late.

- Lloyd.
- Dude!

Elliot, can I get your advice
on something?

My burn patient really wants to go

to his high school graduation
this weekend.

Why? Mine was awful.

I was the valedictorian,
but instead of bringing my speech,

I grabbed my mom's love letter
to our pool boy.

Well, I was so nervous,
I ended up reading that one anyways.

Apparently, I spoke a lot about
my fondness for "throbbing members."

Still, my closing words to
my graduating class

were actually kind of appropriate.

Something about wanting to make sure
I chased all of my dreams

before I was all old
and dried up down there.

Okay, but do you think that I should
tell Emery that he'll be able to go?

That's a tough call.
I mean, his skin grafts are improving,

but he could take a bad turn.

Dr Reid, could you sign off
on these test results?

- Yes.
- To hell with it.

Not at all, Boon.

Emery, I'm going to get you
to that graduation!


You know what?
I wouldn't get his hopes up.

Thank you for your advice on that.

Yeah. It's tough.

So, you guys doing something
special for your anniversary night?

You know what would be great?

- Here we go.
- Brinner.

- "What-er"?
- Breakfast for dinner.

He's obsessed with it.

Well, I just don't see what's wrong with

having a nice glass of wine
with a pancake.

- Here. Bye, baby.
- Bye, Mommy.

Hey, thanks for watching
lzzy for us tonight.

- Hello?
- Here's a list of things that I like to do

for her that Carla doesn't know about.

For example, I'm not allowed to bother
lzzy at night.

But if she starts to cry,
you crawl in her crib

and sleep next to her.

Yeah, I'm going to be doing that even if
she's not crying.

Okay, here's the other thing. Carla
doesn't want her to have any juice,

but if you let her sip from a juice box

she gets really, really happy
and starts squeaking like R2-D2.

Sugar juice equals happy squeaking.
Got it.

I love how Carla's rigid parenting rules
don't apply to us.

- I know!
- Right?

- Bye, baby. Bye, baby.
- Bye, Daddy.

Come on, baby. I got the fever
for some French toasty-toast!

Turk, please. I'm on the phone.

French toast!

Whatever you're making for dinner
tonight, honey, is fine with me.

Hey. What do you say there, Barbie?

What are you doing here?

I just came to borrow this stroller
to take lzzy to the mall.

I see. Do you think lzzy might
like a muffin?

She can't have processed food.

- Carla's not around.
- Give me that.


Emery's grafts are looking great.
Let's get that man a cap and gown.

Why would you bother asking for my
advice if you're just going to ignore it?

Come on, Elliot.
You know when people ask for advice,

they're really just looking
for someone to back up

the decision they already made.

It's like when I asked you
if I should buy those white cords.

You said no, but it didn't matter.

I was gonna buy them anyway
because they matched

my white cord jacket.

Yeah, and that outfit's hideous.

Now you're just embarrassing yourself.

All right. Whoever stole my muffin
is going to have

to get this green fuzz out of my teeth.

Baby, I know you'll never believe me,

but bacon ice cream is
the perfect after-brinner treat.

So, are you ready for presents?

- Baby, you already made me brinner.
- Well, this is for you, too.

You look absolutely amazing,

but it's kind of hard to beat brinner.

Perfect. Anything for me?


They say it's better to give
than to receive,

but sometimes holding on
to the perfect gift

can get you more
than you ever thought possible.

Tomorrow I'm taking you
to the jewellery store

where you can purchase
anything you want.

Yeah! Right?
You can have anything you want.

Right there.

Of course, sometimes the gift you give
isn't as perfect as you thought.

Tough news there, Newbie.
Patient's leg is infected.

There's no way
he's going to graduation.

- What?
- All the best.

Today was gonna suck.

I had to tell Emery
he couldn't go to his graduation.

Plus, I had forgotten that Turk
still owed me one,

and that yesterday we made
a water balloon so big

that we actually named it.

Fat Daddy.


So, Gandhi, how does your wife like
her terrible present?

I haven't told her yet.
I mean, I was going to,

but her not knowing I understand
Spanish is like having a secret power.

It got me flapjacks for dinner.

You got brinner? Damn, Turkle-dawg!

Still, I gotta tell her.
I feel like I'm spying on her.

Marriage is a lifelong battle,

except we men have been
given no weapons.

That's why I break into Enid's
e-mail account.

Not telling Jordan that
I've been reading her journal

is one of the best decisions
that I have ever made.

Now I know all of her hopes
and dreams,

which, of course,
make them easier to crush.

You know, this morning
I heard her tell a friend...

Which meant,

"I wish he didn't smell like eggs
every time he works out."

So I put on deodorant.
You know, when you think about it,

Carla not knowing I understand her
really is the best thing for her.

Welcome to the club. Have some pizza.


- Fat Daddy?
- It was beautiful.

What am I going to tell Emery?
Did you hear the song we wrote?

Nurse, do you mind?

Going to graduation
I'm going to graduation

It's called I'm Going To Graduation
(The Graduation Song).

Look, you already put yourself
out there. Let's just follow through.

I checked his infection.
It's not that bad.

We just need an ambulance
and some other volunteers.

We can still pull this off.

Janitor, will you help?

Oh, no, I can't. Now that I cured Lady
of her fear of the unknown,

I'm working on her irrational fear
of losing loved ones.

I arranged for a couple friends of mine
to kidnap her parents.

Triple-chocolate hazelnut fudge

with a filling made out of tiny brownies.

The baker said it would feed 16,

but I am going to take this mama-jama
down in one sitting.

- Well?
- Well what?

Perry, since I won free muffins for life,
I know I have packed on a few,

but this system is working.

I am even using the real holes
in my belt

and not the ones
I stabbed with a screwdriver.

So come on,
I'll pretend to talk to this guy,

you ditch the cake.

Hey, random employee,
blah, blah, blah.

Bob, I'm very busy.


Can't you people see I'm trying to get
some work done here? Leave.

For funsies, I'm going to say two words
I've always wanted to say

ever since I started working here.
You ready?

Make me.

- No, you didn't!
- Oh, yes, I did!

- You did!
- I did.

I like it.

I'm going to go ahead
and play it that way.

Say, Carla...

- That's not even true!
- How did you even understand that?

Yeah, Milk Dud. Is it because you
comprehend all languages

- and you are a super genius?
- That ain't it.

Or is it that you
secretly learned Spanish

so that you could spy on our dear
Carla here right underneath her nose?

- I trusted you.
- That wasn't very smart, was it?

I hope you're happy.

Oh, Bob.

All right. Thank you for your help, guys.

- You too, Lloyd.
- Later, dude!

- You understood me.
- I should've told you right away.

Brinner had a lot to do with it.
I love brinner.


Still, I should've told you. I'm sorry.

I forgive you.

Excuse me?

The other day when I missed
that stupid playgroup meeting

and decided I was a horrible mother,
and you told me

not to let a little mistake
erase a good thing.

Remember what I said?

This is going to come back to you
in a good way.

This is it coming back?

Besides, it must have been really hard
for you to learn Spanish.

It was so hard.

And it can be really tough for you
to learn new things.

- I know. I am so slow.
- Say it in Spanish.

Say it again.

I'm going to graduation, to graduation

- I'm a little nervous.
- I can tell. You're a little bit off-key.

But don't worry.
Everything's going to be just fine.

- Where's Turk?
- Huh? I don't know.

- Lloyd?
- Just going with the vibe, bro.

Okay, buddy. It's time.
I'm going to take out your IV.

- How you doing?
- I'm good.

Okay. Now, the morphine I gave you
is gonna kick in soon.

Once you get across the stage,
you'll be back in the hospital.

- He's up next, guys.
- All right. Good luck.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Emery Redmond!
- All right. Enjoy it.

Even though we couldn't actually see

Emery walk across
and receive his diploma,

I think we all felt like this
was one of our proudest moments.

Yeah, we probably
shouldn't have done that.

At least Emery's mom
got some good pictures.

She said she could always
Photoshop out his anguish.

Hey, how come you helped me even
though I totally ignored your advice?

I don't know. You were in a crappy
situation, and we're friends.

And yet we only hang out
when we're torturing burn victims.

That's just because
we're both usually seeing someone.

You and I both disappear
when we're in relationships.

All right, you know what?
Let's make a pact.

From now on, let's promise each other
that we'll always hang out,

even if the other person
is dating someone.

Deal. But what if one of us
started dating

someone that could be the one?

We could totally diss each other
if it's the one.

Or if it's someone, like,
preposterously hot.

Agreed. If I met a hottie,
you'd never see me.

What's the rule if the person's
really fugly, but really, really easy?

Anyway, I gotta go pick up Sam.
You want to come?

Yeah, as long as you know that
if I don't get to hold him the whole time,

I'll probably cry.

I think in the end, life is about the
connections we make, and the way...

Oh, my God. What the hell's he doing?

Don't look at me.