Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 7, Episode 5 - My Growing Pains - full transcript

It's amazing how much kids
take after their parents.

Dude, you know how when I daydream,
I go like this?

- Dude, you totally go like that.
- Well, check Sam out.

I wonder what he's thinking.

Guys, Sammy's hungry.
Can anybody help me out?

Sure, sure.

Pass him over here.
I'm about ready to burst.

Thanks.
I'd do it myself, but I'm all tapped out.

Turk and I had a milk fight
in the parking lot.

I lost.

Okay, chief, latch on. It's right there.



Latch. Latch.

- He's latched. He's latched.
- Dude, we said truce.

Count it.

I'm off.
You want to go shoot some hoops?

I have a baby strapped to my chest.

- So I just won't pass to you.
- Cool. Same as always.

Or you could spend some quality
time with your daughter.

It seems like you're giving me a choice,

but you're really not, are you?

Nope, she's not.

And the only way to get free will back

is to stop caring
if you ever get to hit that again.

- Am I right?
- Pretty much.

Hey, Bob.



Some of the other board members were
saying tomorrow's your birthday.

- So how old does that make you?
- Well, that depends.

Are we talking dog years
or horny old bastard years?

I'll be 58.

I didn't know it was
your birthday tomorrow!

You are definitely getting a cake.

What flavour do you want?
Chocolate or vanilla?

Wait, don't answer.
I'm gonna surprise you.

It's going to be chocolate.
I like chocolate.

Fun.

Could you also have them write
"Mind Your Own Damn Business"

in icing and then jam your face into it
so the message really sinks in?

How's your vacation going
at your fire-breathing mother's house?

Yeah, yeah, my mom's a dragon.

I'm her hell spawn.
We eat children, whatever.

Listen Per, Jack misses you,
and he won't go to sleep

unless you say good night
in that silly voice he loves.

Jackie, you're getting a little too
old for that now, pal. You're...

You're four.

I mean, people are actually even

starting to understand
about a third of what you say.

Fantastic.

Anyway, so no more silly voice.
Okay there, Jumbo?

Solid parenting.

Glad I could help.

Damn, lzzy, you're looking good, girl.

Thank you, Sam.

You not only have a soft spot
in your heart,

but you have one in your head.

What do you say
we hit up a Wiggles concert,

then go back to my crib
and pop open some formula.

See what happens.

Come here and taste this brown sugar.

Taste this brown sugar.

Turk, we can't make them kiss until
Sam can hold his head up for real.

I miss this, man.

If I'm not at work,
I'm taking care of lzzy.

I feel like I don't get to roll with you
or just do goofy stuff.

It's just that when I have Sam,
I'm so busy, you know?

We're up at 6:00, I feed him, I bathe
him, then it's poopy time.

Then it's his poopy time.

But that's why we need to get
these two together right away.

They need to get married
so we can hang all the time.

There's no guarantees, Turk.

The other day,
I had Sam in the hospital,

and when Dr Cox
brought in his daughter,

he definitely turned his head.

Okay, I turned it,
but I could tell he wanted me to.

There's plenty of fish in the sea, girl.
I don't need you.

Like, look at that. You are hot, baby.
What is going on over there?

I wanna hit that. I wanna spank it good.

I like a spanking. I wanna give it to you.

I'm sorry. Kids, huh?

I'll talk to him.

The second I saw Turk,
I felt like he had huge news.

- Dude, I have huge news.
- I knew it!

Carla gave me the afternoon off.
No lzzy, just "me" time.

No way, dude!
I'm off too, and Sam's at Kim's.

What should we do?

When's the last time
we did something stupid?

Well, we told Rex
we'd cover his shifts next weekend

if he agreed to follow Hooch

everywhere he went
and never tell him why.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you this
one last time.

- Do you need anything?
- No. I'm cool.

Hooch is crazy.

I know. And the best part is
Rex doesn't know Hooch is crazy.

Yeah, well, he'll know
by the end of the day.

Anyways, when's the last time we did
something off-the-hook stupid?

Probably not since the second day
at college. Remember?

When it wasn't just the two of us.
It was the three of us.

All right, you guys,
I know we only met yesterday,

but I have a feeling
we're gonna be best buds forever.

Hands in.

Chocolate Bear!

Vanilla Bear!

Caramel Bear!

Bears for life!

If we pull this prank off,

we are gonna be the coolest freshmen
on the whole campus.

- Yeah, we are.
- Let me do it!

What?

Rest in peace, Caramel Bear.

Dude, just because we never saw
Ricky on campus again

doesn't mean he's dead.

His parents came
and packed up all his stuff, Turk.

And his roommate got straight A's that
semester without even going to class.

All righty, then.

How we feeling today there, Josh?

I'm okay. Little tired, though.
How about you?

Well, I'm 47 and recently lost the ability
to break down dairy products,

but otherwise, I'm dandy.
Thank you for asking.

Whoa, TMI. Right, Josh?

Too much information.

Tell you what.
I'm gonna let you hang out with

Nurse Early-'90s-Catch-Phrases here,

while your parents come out
in the hallway,

and we have a little discussion.

We will be back.

Look, Josh's blood work shows that

he's anaemic with
a high white cell count.

Now, we're not gonna
know anything for sure

until his bone marrow biopsy
comes back,

but I'm afraid it might be leukaemia.

Oh, my God.

We'll hope for the best.

Okay, listen up.

I need everyone to clear their
schedules tomorrow,

because we're going to have
a little party for Kelso's birthday.

Kelso makes my life hell.

Now, I know I usually cave,

but there's no way
I'm going to his party.

- I understand, Ted.
- Fine, I'll go.

Damn it!

So, I'm getting the cake.

I just need
someone to pick up the decorations.

Fine, I'll get them.

What's happening?

And make sure you get 58 candles.

58? He told me he turned 58 last year.

- Told me he was 58 three years ago.
- Great.

Can anyone help me find out
Kelso's real age?

You rang?

I know you didn't. I just like saying that.

Although, actually, I do hear bells.

But now they're gone.

- Anyway, I'll help.
- Cool.

- Okay, because I was wondering...
- Hold it.

They're back.

They're gone.

No. Hang on. Go.

- Okay, because I thought...
- Stop. Bells.

Bells. Bells.

No bells.

- Why don't we start with the...
- Stop.

- Go. Stop.
- I'm...

Okay, we're both off in an hour,
so I've planned our plan.

You just used the same word twice
in the same sentence.

You just did, too.

That is so weird that I didn't even
notice that I did that.

Same word, four times, one sentence.

- Dude, you're in the zone.
- I feel it.

- What are we doing today?
- Okay, we gotta go old-school.

Brace yourself on my arm.

World's Most Giant Black Doctor.

Turk, I thought we agreed to save him
for Black History Month

or when we want
to scare racist patients.

I know, but that guy in 204 asked me
if I wanted to finish his fried chicken.

But you love fried chicken.

And I ate that bad boy like it was my
last meal, but I wasn't happy about it.

- Fine. I'm in.
- Good. Because I made this.

Oh, my God! It's awesome.

Carla, look what Turk made.

Awesome.

Idiots.

We heard that!

- Josh's biopsy results.
- Thank you.

Unfortunately, that's what I thought.

Your son has hairy cell leukaemia.

Now, the good news is
it's very, very treatable.

If you'd like, I'd be more than glad
to go in there

and explain this all to Josh myself.

We already decided that if
Josh did end up having cancer,

we weren't gonna tell him.

What just happened?

Do you want to put your hands
on the back of your head

like you do when you're upset?

I do a little.

So, how do we find out Kelso's age?

We pay 100 people, age 1 to 100,
line them all up,

and see which one Kelso looks like.

Oy.

I say we cut off Kelso's legs
and we count the rings.

- That only works on trees.
- And puppets.

Okay, you guys have been
super helpful.

I told you we would be.

Still, I think I'm going to go tackle this
on my own

and let the two of you
get back to hallucinating.

Or

you could use these keys
to get into the personnel files.

That almost burned me.

You know what I would have done
if it did?

No.

Burn for a burn, baby.

That's in the Bible.

Hooch is crazy.

Aren't your arms getting tired?

Yeah.

Can you believe those people?

Their kid has leukaemia,
and they're not even gonna tell him?

Well, they're his parents. It's their right.

Come on.

He deserves to know
what he's up against. He can handle it.

Hell, he's more mature than most
of the yahoos in this dump.

Check it out!
World's most giant clipboard!

Exhibit A through Z.

Oh, what's that, Per?
I didn't quite hear it.

I wanna make sure I get it all down.

Write this down instead.

I, John Dorian... Write it down.

I, John Dorian...

...am a ridiculous, 32-year-old,
overgrown infant.

I mean, my God, two weeks ago,

you were asking everybody
if you should grow up.

And here I thought you were having
some big epiphany that

you were gonna be more of an adult
now that you have a child.

My bad.

And if I forgot to congratulate you,

let me do that now.

Way to go,
we are all super proud of you.

Turkleton,
I hired you as a surgeon, right?

- Yep.
- Great job, Bob.

Hey. What's up? You ready?

Yeah, I don't think I'm up for it, man.

- Why not?
- I don't know, Turk.

Maybe 'cause I'm 32,
and I'm a doctor, and I have a kid.

I mean, look at yourself, man.

You look like an infant.

It's probably time for us to grow up.

They say that the truth hurts,
and sometimes it does.

But sometimes it's just surprising.

"Robert Kelso, born 1942"?

Holy frick, Kelso's 65.

And other times the truth
just wasn't supposed to be heard

in the first place.

- What do you say, pal?
- Hey.

Mind if I join you here?

No, go ahead.

Look, Josh.
I want to take a minute here

and explain to you
what's wrong with you.

- Okay.
- Inside your body...

It was a morning of dramatic walk-ups.

That's when one person dramatically
walks up to another,

like me to Turk,
'cause I knew he was mad at me.

Hey.

Or like Ted to Dr Cox.

The Winstons are livid that you told
their son about his leukaemia.

- You did what?
- I made a choice.

Or Elliot to Dr Kelso.

I've got a secret.

What has two thumbs, a funny voice
and still doesn't give a crap?

Bob Kelso.

I added the funny voice to keep it fresh.

Well, I've got 65 reasons why
you should give a crap.

You're old.

Yes! I've been saying that every time
the doors open for the last two hours,

and I finally got my man.

Come on, give it up.
A little something. Still got time.

We'll do it later.

Look, Turk, I know you're probably mad
at me about yesterday.

- We're cool.
- See, I knew you'd get it.

It's just time to leave
our childish ways behind, right?

Hell to the no.
I'm bringing you back, buddy.

I'll see you later.

Are you following me?
'Cause I will cut you.

I'll go around the corner.

The Winstons aren't ready
to litigate yet,

but they're still angry.

You need to mitigate the situation

because they have
a really good lawyer.

Honestly, Ted, I'm just surprised

you know the difference
between "litigate" and "mitigate".

Their lawyer taught me.

I'm telling you, the guy's really good.

Thanks for having my back on this one.

I don't have your back on this.

I just want a ringside seat

for when you get your bony white ass
handed to you.

Not going to happen.

Dr Cox, we want to talk to you.

Let's talk to Josh first. Come on.

I really don't want to go into
mitigation on this one.

Wait.

Yeah, that's right.

You tell your parents
what you said to me

when I told you
that you had leukaemia?

I already knew I was sick because
Mom was doing that weird smile.

Yeah, that one.

The only other time you had that look
was when you told me Grandpa died.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.

I'll be right outside here if you need me.

Oh, my goodness. What's this?

It's my bony, white ass and it's still
very much intact, isn't it?

You just don't get it, do you?

Get what?

Chicks, huh?

They're all soft and cuddly,
but you never get to be with one.

Hey, J.D., I need a little help.

Relax. This is work stuff.

I have a patient who needs
a perioperative beta blockade

and I was wondering if I needed
a continuous IV drip

or an intermittent bolus?

- Well, I'd probably start him off...
- Yeah, don't care. Check this out.

Hooch is on the verge
of a major meltdown.

Why? Is Rex still following him?

Not just Rex.

Three other interns are following him,
too. They're all after this fellowship.

I said whoever sticks to him the
longest, I'll give a recommendation.

I'm about to use the toilet right now.

So I hope you all are happy
with the order that you're standing in.

Because if you follow me in there,

that is the order that
I am going to kill you.

Oh, yeah.

Today's gonna be a good day.
Yes, it is!

- Come on, buddy.
- See you later.

You read my private personnel file?

You can read mine if you want.

Of course, it says my name is
Captain Billy Stinkwater

and that I'm half gopher.

Sir, I know that
you're sensitive about your age,

but getting older comes
with tons of perks.

I mean, you command more respect.
You get discounts.

People think it's adorable
when you toot.

Look, I do not care about getting older.

See?

- Then what's your problem?
- None of your business.

Well, if you don't care,
then let us throw you a party.

There's gonna be cake
and presents and...

We have to get him presents?

You can have anything you want
off my tool belt.

Sweet. I'll take that

12-volt cordless, rechargeable
nickel-metal hydride battery power drill.

- I was kidding.
- Too late. Hand it over.

- Looks expensive.
- It is.

Thank you.

Dr Reid, let me make this as clear
as possible.

I do not want a party.

Fair enough.

There's just one problem.

Surprise!

Ted, these are Chanukah decorations!

They were on sale!

Make a wish.

- Awesome. Thanks.
- I'm glad you like it.

I stole it from my husband.

Hey, Carla.
I got you some Kelso cake. It's delish.

- And a dreidel.
- I'm not talking to you.

Okay, now if it was anybody else,
I'd just say thank you and let it die,

but since it's you,
I gotta know what it is that I don't get.

Too bad.

Come on!

Okay, walk by so he doesn't
even have a chance to tempt you.

What the hell is behind his ear?

I know you see that.

Why don't you just go ahead
and grab it?

Turk, I am not playing
"Hide the Saltine".

You know you wanna.

- That's 1-0, me.
- Yes, it is.

- Wait! Why're you torturing me?
- Wait! Why're you torturing me?

Happy birthday, Dr Kelso.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God. Is that a smile?

Well, it's like last year when

the safety brake failed
on Enid's wheelchair

and she started rolling toward our pool.

I told myself,
"Bob, it's already too late to stop it,

"so you might as well
just sit back and enjoy it."

Sir, I got you a power drill.

I know you wanted one
for your hobby shop.

The Janitor already gave me one.

Nobody likes a copycat, Ted.

So what do I do with this?

- Thanks.
- Hey!

So, Bob, I just dropped by to tell you

we need to find
an interim orthopaedic surgeon.

Apparently Dr Hooch was involved
in some kind of hostage situation.

Well, Hooch is crazy.

Sixty-five, huh?

Yeah, how about that?

How about that?

Baby, have you been in my locker?

'Cause I can't seem to find

my autographed
Michael Jordan basketball.

- Autographed?
- Yeah.

No.

- Okay, we gotta talk.
- Okay, we gotta talk.

If you speak simultaneously
with me again,

- I'm going to have to kill you.
- Kill you.

I'll tell you why I'm torturing you.

Why would you stop being you?

- Because he called me an infant.
- Of course he did.

Plus, two weeks ago,
you were all over me about growing up.

Dude, I wasn't saying you needed
to change who you are.

I just meant that once you have a kid,
you gotta be more responsible,

and you're doing that.

Look at you.
You spend a ton of time with Sam.

Hell, you've even started a college
fund for him.

He started a college fund?
We didn't start a college fund.

Baby, we're being a team.
How often does that happen?

- Get in the game.
- Right.

You're just as dumb as he is.

Of course Josh had to find out what
was wrong with him eventually,

but you were so cavalier
about telling him

and taking his childhood away.

I didn't take his childhood away.

Really?

Because Josh was spending
so much time on his laptop

researching leukaemia mortality rates,

I had to give him
a basketball just to distract him.

- Wait. What?
- Turk, we're a team.

Who cares about losing
your childhood? I damn sure didn't.

Yeah, because your parents were
violently abusive alcoholics.

Not that there's
anything wrong with that.

It was probably very exciting.

Don't take your lead
from this train wreck.

If you're lucky enough to still have a
kid inside you, you gotta hold onto that.

And if you don't have one,
I bet if you think about it,

you want your kids to spend
as much time as possible

just being what?

Yeah.

The only thing I hate more than
simultaneous speaking is

when people try to get me
to finish their sentences.

Just being kids.

That's right.

By the way, baby, you're getting my
basketball back from that cancer kid.

Sorry.

No matter how old you are,

you should never forget
the importance of childhood.

Whether it's letting
your kid hold onto his...

How you doing, Jackie?

Do it again.

I love Daddy. I love Jackie.

Give me a kiss.

... or holding onto your own.

Excuse me, young miss.

Would you like to sign this petition

to make our hospital
more giant-accessible?

- How many signatures do we have?
- None.

Damn it!

Excuse me, sir.

Would you like to sign this petition

to make this hospital
more giant-accessible?

Because everything happens so fast,
it can all slip away before you know it.

So, Bob, as you know,

it's our policy to have administrators
step down when they reach 65.

Over the next few months we'll be
searching for your replacement.

Do me a favour
and keep this between us.

Of course.