Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 5 - My Friend with Money - full transcript

To make more cash, Sacred Heart
had started catering to rich folk.

Hence, the swanky new suites.

Turndown service, Mr Worthington?

- No, not now.
- When's a good time?

Never, he's in a coma.

Not only were the new suites
super-expensive,

they were absolutely ruining my figure.

Turk and Carla had just brought
their new baby home.

What's up, Isabella?

For your 16th birthday,
your dad has made you a video tape.

Now, I know future me
is probably really strict,



so no dating, no makeup
and no spending spring break

with your friends on Mars.

The last thing I need to worry about
is my daughter getting eaten

by a giant space slug.
You know what I'm saying?

Anyway, for your 16th birthday,
my gift to you is to show you

how happy your mom was
the day we brought you home.

Baby?

I can't do this.

We have to take her back.

Happy Birthday, sweetheart.
We'll talk later.

As for me, my pregnant girlfriend
just moved away,

but I was still keeping things spicy.

Of course I miss you, baby.

You want to see a picture of me
missing you? Hold on.



Thanks.

Do you want to see a picture
of my rock-hard abs?

Okay, hold on.

No, no. I've always had an inny.

Uh, okay.

She wants to see a picture of my ass.

- Oh, J.D. I don't want to...
- I am your superior!

What the...

Oh, hey, Elliot.
I'll have him back to you in one second.

Kim, yeah, those pictures are of Keith,
okay? Read 'em and weep.

Look, J.D. will call you back later.

Keith, why do you keep letting
people take pictures of your body?

I mean, this is exactly like that night
I caught you in the bathroom

- at the bus station.
- Come on, this is nothing like that.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, hey, Elliot.
I'll have him back to you in one second.

I'm getting a little flare off the urinal.

- Actually, Keith, it's a little like that.
- Little bit.

One areola shot, real quick.

Now that Elliot was private practise,
there were tons of perks.

For one, Dr Kelso
still refused to speak to her.

Hey, Dr Kelso.

Oh, if you're a doody-face,
don't say anything.

Get used to that joke, people,
because I'm going to be doing it

all the time.

Still, the biggest perk is that at 5:00,

she gets to dump her patients
on someone else and go home.

Mr Sandville has HOCM.
I'm not using dysopyramide,

so just continue treating him
with beta-blockers.

You're giving orders to me?

O.M.G., Barboo,
you make me want to L.O.L.

I just discovered text messaging.

I know I'm a little late to the game, but
that doesn't mean that you're any less

of a G.A.B.P.I.T.A.W.M.M.W.
number two, D.

Giant Annoying Bangsy Pain in the Ass

Who Makes Me Want to Die.

Well, I'm just a little bit late
for my brow wax and my facial,

so I'm just gonna
stick these orders to your lab coat

so you don't forget them.

Enjoy doing my bidding while
a team of burly old Russian women

make me beautiful.

Fine, I don't want to go home, anyway.

He said in a sarcastic tone
we've all come to know as "Coxian. "

I mean it. I don't want to go home.

Ever since Jordan
entered her third trimester,

she has become a needy,
bloated, behemoth

with a temper as big
as her tree-trunk-sized cankles.

And besides, even if I did go home
she'd probably just send me out

on a food run to satiate
one of her insane cravings.

Honey, I brought you some dinner.

Come here, little cooty-coo...

I wasn't finished!

You're finished.

Honey, postpartum depression's
really serious.

True, but there are different levels.

Yes, some women
leave their babies in the woods,

but some women just get the weepies.

- And this is just the weepies?
- Just the weepies, baby.

Hi! Since you're African-American,
I was wondering if I can borrow

- some of your Marvin Gaye CDs?
- Sure, come on in, kid.

Here you go.

Thanks. Mazel tov on the baby.

How did he know I had a baby?

Great!

I milked through my last clean T-shirt.

- Baby, we should really get some help.
- No, I've been a nurse for 15 years.

What are they going to tell us
that we don't already know?

Now, now, who are we?

- We're the Turks.
- And can the Turks get through this?

Woman, the Turks
can handle anything!

- Okay.
- Okay, now, give me a hug!

- Okay.
- Wait, you know what,

could you change first?

'Cause I don't want to get
any booby juice on my new T-shirt.

Okay.

To me, the best thing about Elliot
is all her extra cash.

Hey, roomie! I went shopping.

This couch reminded me
of my grandpa.

He used to drive around
in a car just like it.

You know, until he was killed
in that seven-car pileup.

"Seven-Car Pileup" would be
a good name for a rock band.

Yeah, you actually told me that
on the day that he died.

- Oh.
- Anyhoo, I was thinking

maybe we should put in
some new hardwood floors.

Why stop at hardwood?

Yeah! The new floors are in!

Careful, trampoline floors
take some getting used to

but I love them.

I like bouncing, but it is dangerous.

I don't care if you don't like green.
JELL-O is JELL-O.

Laverne, if I accidentally
backed my car over Barbie

for sticking me with
the world's most annoying patient,

what do you think
your boy Jesus would do?

- Your wife is on the phone.
- He is not a merciful God, is he?

Just tell her I'm still working,

I have no idea what time
I'm going to get off

and just go ahead
and eat the entire mattress.

- I mean, for the love of God!
- He'll have to call you back.

I spend the entire day with patients
and the entire night with her.

I need a hideout.

You're telling me.
I got this new landlady,

boozy old broad,
keeps showing up at my door

in an open robe and a bottle of gin.
I don't want to go home.

Can you tell Dr Kelso
that Mr Worthington's family

transferred him from the luxury suite
to a hospice, please?

My God, this is beautiful.

Gentlemen,
how's Mr Worthington doing?

- He, he's in a coma, Bob.
- Great.

The man has the health insurance
of a Tahitian prince.

Well, I've got to tell you, this is heaven.

This gourmet trail mix is fantastic.
I'm tasting vanilla, cranberry,

- a hint of pine.
- That's potpourri, genius.

Is that hickory?

You should see
all the sweet new toys Elliot bought.

It's awesome!
It's like that time in college

when we got to split
all of Chugski's stuff

when he drank himself to death.

I miss you, you crazy Polish bastard.

Pour some out for one's homies.

- So, how are things at the homestead?
- Oh, no worries.

I can't feed my own baby.

See, baby, the great thing
about working at a hospital

is that we have access
to all types of medical care.

Having trouble feeding your baby?
Say hello to your lactation specialists.

- Hi.
- Try tickling her lip with the nipple

to let her know it's time to eat.

Then just use your breast
to lower her bottom lip.

I can't see the nipple.

Todd, get the hell out of here!

It's freezing in here.

If you'd put on a pair of pants,
you'd be fine.

Hey, in my house,
it's no pants, no problem.

I'm putting in a video tape.

- Now, what the hell is this?
- It's a security camera tape.

I like to count the times that
Colonel Doctor goes to the bathroom

during the day and then freak him out
by guessing the exact number.

And there's one.

- Hey!
- Look, this clearly isn't working out.

Well, I found this room,
so you should go.

Oh, okay, okay.

You know,
that's just about enough, Shrek.

- What?
- I specifically told you

not to give Mr Sandville dysopyramide.
Why would you change my orders?

Well, there were two treatment options
and when in doubt,

I always go
in the opposite direction of you.

- Don't do it again.
- So, do it again?

Look, Barbie, what you're missing here
is that you're private practise now.

That means you're the enemy
and I know, as a doctor,

disease is supposed to be the enemy,

but I'm giving hepatitis and his band
of infectious buddies a pass

and I'm coming after you today.

Because the bottom line is
you'd rather clock out of here early

than run the extra mile for your patients
and, Barbie, that makes you a sellout.

You went 14 times total,
four false alarms and one emergency.

Uncanny.

I'm exhausted. Pick me up a latte.

She's still not eating.
None of this stuff is working.

We're the Turks, remember?

Now, if you ask me,
Isabella is placing calls

but no one's responding
in the areola code.

- What?
- Those two little turkey timers

you got there are telling me that
that birdie's not done.

And this place is too public
for me to arouse them

"freaky-deaky-styley,"
so I'm going to have to go

an alternate route.

Your dead momma had
one of the fattest asses I ever seen!

- What?
- Turkey's done!

She's latching. She's latching!

Dr Cox is such a jerk.
I'm so sick of hearing him

get all righteous
about private practise doctors.

We're the Turks! What?
We're the Turks!

We're the Turks! What?
We're the Turks!

- We're the Turks! What?
- You're the Turks!

That's right! We're the Turks! What?
We're the Turks!

I mean, seriously,
since when does working at a hospital

suddenly make you a better person?
It's such a load of crap.

I don't know if it's really a load of crap,
it's just how you feel.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.
Could you say that a little bit louder?

I just don't need the money,
you know, like a sellout. So...

Wait, do you actually agree
with Dr Cox?

It doesn't take too much to send
two people down a bad road.

It could be a few simple words...

I guess I do.

...or even just a little surprise
waiting at home.

We're the Turks! What?
We're the Turks!

We're the Turks! What?

Why are you watching my baby
and where's my wife?

She said she'd be back later.

- J.D., have you seen Carla?
- Sorry, Brown Bear.

Hey, Mocha Cub.

Carla just called to tell you nothing fit,
so she went to the mall.

Watch her.

Hey, Chuckles, if you're a doody-face,
just keep walking.

It gets funnier every time, people.
Hey, J.D.

Hey, Elliot.
Look, I know you're probably mad

- about what I said yesterday, and...
- I'm not mad.

Well, I mean, at first I was a little mad,
so I started power-walking

down Fourth Avenue.
But right when I got to the place

where it starts to get a little ghetto,
I realised you're just jealous.

- I am not jealous.
- Oh, please, J.D., I know you.

Whenever you're jealous,
you run your hands through your hair

and then you smell them.

I do not.

Okay, resist smelling
that coconut goodness

that caresses your tresses. Don't do it.

Whatever.

Pina colada!

I think these would go great
with that shirt.

Why don't you go try them on?

Why were you just helping that guy?

These pants and this shirt
are the only things I have left that fit me

and everyone keeps mistaking me
for an employee.

Anyway, I was helping Phil
with his whole new denim look.

- Hey, could you also get me...
- Go away, Phil.

Baby, let's go see the doctor.

No. I'm not going to have
people laugh at me

because I can't care for my own child.

No doctors.
Not now, not ever, understand?

We're the Turks!

Put that down.

Elliot said that
until you admit you're jealous,

you can't use any of her things.

Well, Elliot's not here, Keith.
What are you going to do about it?

Nice singlet. Does it come in hetero?

Do not turn on that TV.

He wrestled you, didn't he?

See, Keith found
his old high school uniform,

so we've actually
incorporated it into our love play.

I'm the lesbian coach
and he's the captain

of the wrestling team and he turns me.

So, have you decided to admit
that you're jealous?

No, never, okay?

And thanks a lot because the one hour
that Kim and I had to actually talk,

I was stuck
in your stupid boyfriend's scissor hold.

Don't you just love the way
his thighs feel against your ears?

No, not particularly.

- Dr Cox, I need your help.
- Not now, Gandhi.

Darn it all, I could have sworn
there was a room right here...

Do you hear something?

Look, Carla's gone all
postpartum depression-y on me

and she won't let me
take her to see a doctor.

She's never going to listen to you.

You're a guy, you have no idea
what she's going through.

The fact is, the only person
she will listen to

is someone who has
gone through it themselves.

Fine, who?

I cannot believe I am doing this.

- I'm scared.
- Me too, Gandhi.

What?

- You look pretty, dear.
- So pretty.

Keekers?

Nice.

Hi, J.D.

Relax, I'm at the hospital.
This is just a web-cam.

What's the matter, your Aryan
boyfriend had to go to a rally

so now you have to watch me?

Look, you don't have to admit
that you're jealous.

I was thinking, Kim's not around

and I can't even imagine
how much that sucks.

So, I sent her a web-cam
just like this one

and you guys can video chat
whenever you want.

Anything to make
the long distance easier, right?

Anyway, I hope you like it. See you.

I love the Inter-highway.

I've been expecting you.

You know, Jumpsuit,
as I was scaling the hospital,

I had an epiphany.

This back and forth between you and I
is just going to get worse and worse.

I mean, the only thing
I could think about was retaliation

and I'm relatively certain

that you've got a couple of tricks
up your sleeve, too.

I do have a friend,
he works on Wall Street.

He and I got a good look
at your personal finances

and he agreed to fly into town
and bash your head in.

Right, that would roughly be
what I'm referring to.

Then, yes.

There really is
only one way to end this.

We each ingest a cyanide capsule.
On three. One, two, three.

No, what are you doing?

- Mine's a Skittle.
- Mine, too?

Sure.

Get out of here.

Look, there really is only one way to
end this so that we both come out alive.

We've got to page him.

You.

Get the hell out of here
before I charge you

for every cashew
you pilfered from the minibar.

And you, stop eating the potpourri
and get back to work.

- So, you have postpartum depression.
- No, I have the weepies.

- No, baby, you got...
- You have no lines in this play.

- Okay.
- Jordan, I can handle it.

Really? What do you got there
in your hand?

A job application for The Gap.

Oh, that's a good career move.

Look, all I ever wanted
was to be a mother

and now that I am one
I feel like I'm not cut out for it.

And you're ashamed of that?

Well, wouldn't you be?

Yeah. I was.

What's the worst feeling
you've had since you've had the baby?

- I don't know.
- When Jack wouldn't stop crying

I wanted to throw
that bastard out the window.

Really? I wanted to throw Isabella
out the window.

Yeah, but we just had
our apartment repainted

and all the windows were sealed shut.

So, I just wanted
to drop her off the roof.

Oh, my God!

Listen, you can't get rid of this
by sheer force of will

or positive thinking or taking advice
from a big Hollywood movie star

and the dead science fiction writer
he worships.

You need to get some help.

- Okay.
- That's what I've been trying...

If you talk again, I'm going to eat you.

- Night, everybody.
- Looky here, Newbie,

Private Practise Barbie is clocking out.

Now if we could just get cancer
to go home at 5:00, we'd be all set.

Come on, you're just jealous.

I know I am.

The first step of solving any problem
is admitting that you have one.

After that, you can start to work
on feeling like your old self again.

All right, Izzy,

this is what your mom
looks like on anti-depressants.

- Oh, we're sharing secrets now?
- Yeah.

Oh, because, Izzy, look.
This is what your daddy looks like

the last time he tried
to grow out his hair. How sad.

That's cold, baby.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

That is so not why I bought you that.

Elliot, relax. We heard you coming.

Whatever. Kim, your boobies
look great up there.

I didn't hear her coming.

Me, neither.
All right, now get back in there, stud.

In a sec.

I really miss you.

Yeah, I miss you, too.