Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 6 - My Musical - full transcript

- Hey Grandpa, a little help.
- Here ya go, sport.

But call me grandpa again, and you
and I are going to play a little game

called "Hide the Wingtip".

There may be
a generational gap here, I'll explain.

The wingtip is my shoe,

the hiding place is your ass.

Hi, Bob. That's why
I always save you a place.

You keep the riff-raff in check.

My pleasure.

Well, let's see
what's Enid packed for lunch today.

A stapler and a golf ball.



- She's not well.
- I'll trade you.

- My apple for your golf ball.
- Done.

Maggie, how long
has your foot been like that?

Nurse Turkelton,

I want you to take good care
of my friend Maggie here.

Don't worry, we'll take care of you.

- Name and insurance, please?
- Maggie Kent,

and... none.

All right, let's find a room.

When a patient doesn't have any insurance
you have to work around the system.

First you have to find
someone who's recently died.

Cool! Mr. Rabinowitz just kicked it.

Oh, don't worry.
He put his peep in an electrical socket.

You can't do that.



Then you have to convince the morgue guy
to sit on the paperwoks

to let it seem that the bed stays open.

Deal!

Then you have to get the floor nurse
just to play along.

Enjoy your kosher meal, Mr. Rabinowitz.

Then you have to find the surgeon
to do the work pro-bono.

Dude, I've had a pro bono like all morning.

Something might be wrong five.

I got this one.

But most importantly
you cannot let any high rocks find out

that the patients aren't insured.

Even if they are the ones who
brought her here in the first place.

Bob, I wanna thank you for doing all this
even though I don't have any...

Dr. Kelso, we need to talk to you.

What is it?

Ah, we wanna go somewhere with you.

- Ok. Where?
- A Spa.

- We'd like to get some massages.
- Mmhh.

Well, I know just the place.

Auhhh!

Right, now I got a crick on my neck.

We are gonna get a little graphic here.

So, you fellas might
wanna look the other way.

Or not. It's your choice.

Turk, why are you looking?

'Cause my neck cricked. I can't move.

Watch this, Turkelton.

She calls it the Shanghai Surprise!

Oh, God!

Ohhh!

Itasa Team Scrubs presents

Scrubs - Stagione 06 Episodio 13
My Scrubs VO subtitles

Transcript: Teorouge, gi0v3, Tania, JDsClone

Sync: gi0v3, R!ck

Revision: gi0v3

Ok, Maggie,

as soon as your labs come back
we'll prep you for surgery.

You two are my guardian angels.

Hey, good morning, fellas!

- Hi sir, how are you? Lookin' good.
- It's good, how about you?

Why so awkward?

You never saw a colleague
get a happy ending before?

- No, not-not that happy.
- But thank you,

for including us.

Oh, sorry, Barbie, wait just a second, eh...

I gotta tell you. You look...

well, down it all, you look great today.

Oh, thanks.
I started using that new facial cream

- made from baby foreskins.
- Ohhh!

But, I don't understand.
You haven't complimented me in six years.

- Why today?
- Well...

since you are a Private Practice Doctor

who went home yesterday at 5 leaving me yet

on high with your melanoma patient,

I just knew if I complimented you

sure shortly you'd look at me just

a here too long and then
this would happen.

- Uhh!
- Aaahhh!

Oh, you think you're funny?

I do, I always have,
ever since I was little. It's...

one of the reasons that I'm a winner.

I'm in a hurry.

I promised one of my patients that I would
be at his first first day of drug counseling.

See? I got it right here.

Oh! Bar-boo! Give me a break.

Why, on God's name do you think
I'd care about anything that you wrote down?

You wouldn't.

- Ha!
- Nice!!!

Hey, can you believe
who the new drug counselor is?

I just want you all to know
that I came right where you are.

Only a couple of years ago
I was in this very hospital

scamming that nice doctor
over there for painkillers.

Can everyone say "Hi" to Dr. Reid?

Hi, Dr. Reid!

Hey, drug addicts!
What's up?

Girl, can you believe what they say
on these white-people magazines?

Look here.

This is a computer chip
that you put in your baby's foot

so you can track him,
like a baby low jack.

White people do the craziest things.

Like bumper stickers.

I don't give a damn what you brake for!

I know, white people! Phew!

No, my...my stepmom is one quarter Inuit,

so I'm...part Eskimo.

Anyway, small favour. I need your baby.

I'm getting in the baby broker
business. Nothing illecit.

I'm just hooking up folks that can't have babies
with folks that don't want babies.

You, leave.

You, give me that baby
little jack number.

Already tore it up.

- Oooh... hey!
- Hey,

where were you? We were supposed
to meet for breakfast.

My bad, I was hanging
out with J.D. and Rowdie,

when we decided to pull prank
like we used back in the day.

Here goes Ted... go, go, go!
Pull!

Love you, I love you...

I love my...

Ooh dog!

Ghost dog...

Oooh!

Calm down, people, we have
a backup generator.

Aah, thank God, I was just bluffing.

Won't be doing that again.

Ted, look at this budget!

Oh, God, have an option to make you pay
for every cent of that new transformer.

I'm telling you, sir. A lifeless ghost dog

glided in front of my car
wearing roller-skates.

If this is your way of trying
to make me feel guilty

about paving over that Indian
burial ground, it isn't going to work.

We needed the damn parking spaces.

Now, why in the hell are we
paying this much money for scrubs?

Maybe people are stealing them.

Now why would people be stealing scrubs?

Hey, mom. A guy tried to die on
me today, but I didn't let him.

I didn't let him!

What a friend we have in Jesus...

Excuse me guys, stealing scrubs here.

So, anyway, I've been an addicted
since I was 14,

then a year ago I realized it was
time to wake up and get sober.

- So you fell and just hit rock bottom?.
- No no no, I hit a cop.

Then, anyway, since I wasn't willing to do
that things, you know, you need to do in jail,

to get narcotics, at least not
enthusiastically, I... I got clean.

Name of the game: Raise your hand
if you're full of crap.

Sam, if you don't raise your hand
you're going to lose the game.

Come on man, you don't know how
hard it's been to stay strict.

Been there, brother.

- Aaaargh!
- Aaahh! Turk!

You know I hate that damn dog.

No, it's not Bald Black Doctor.

It's Haired Half-White-Half-Inuit Janitor.

And this... is the real Rowdie.

- Excuse me?!
- You recall that a couple of years ago

you lost him?

- Rough, rough...
- Oh!

You were panicked that your
husband was gonna find out,

so I sold my entire stuffed squirrel army,

exchanging it for Steven, an exact replica.

What you don't know is that I retraced
your steps that day, and I found Rowdie.

Now I think, if your husband knew that he'd
be loving a fake dead dog all this time,

he'd be very unhappy.

- You're a crazy person.
- Am I?!

Or am I a brilliant mastermind

who's waited two long years until
he needed something from you?!

And now that day has come.
Here's what I want.

I want your baby, we already
talked about that,

I want you to tell that new borderline
anorexic nurse to eat a sandwich.

And then to go salsa dancing with me.

Also I want you to teach me the salsa dance.

I want a pound of Frankincense,
mostly just to see what it is.

And lastly, I'm in a little bit of thief
with the main barista, down at coffeebucks,

he's nut about poisoning me,

so I'm gonna need you to be
my official beverage tester, yes?

I'm just gonna confess everything to Turk.

- Hmm.
- Grrrr... No, easy boy.

We'll get her.

Why can't you just give Sam a break?

Look, the only thing Sam did was to go

from being a lying drug addict to being
a lying drug addict who works here.

People change. I knew this one migrant
worker from our horture, Ramon,

he used to say "I hate applesauce, it destroys
the interior. La manzana"

Manzana is spanish for apple, anyway, last
time I was home I asked how Ramon was doing.

Vice-president of Mart Applesauce, it's true...

Ramon Dalgado, look him upon the internet.

- Very well.
- Though, I made it up.

Point is people can change and you know it.

Nothing ever changes.

The Artist Formerly Known As Prince
is still just Prince,

my ex-wife is still pretty much my wife,

Grey's Anatomy always reps up
every episode...

some cheesy voiceover that ties together
all of the story line, which

incidentally is my least favourite device on television,

Noobie continuely will try to violate
my no-touching policy...

Huh-ha!

- And Republicans will forever try to raise--
- Sneak hug!

Of course I would go kill him right now but
he actually just helped to prove my point.

This is gonna help, too.

There are ten orders of Percocet
missing from the pharmacy.

Oh, I think I have a pretty good idea

who I'm gonna give my
complementary urine test to!

So, how bad is it gonna be?

Well, you gonna lose that dead tissue,
but thanks to modern medicine

we're gonna keep most of your foot.

You won't believe how much worse
it would've been even a few years ago.

- Aah! Aah! Aah!
- This might hurt it a little.

AAAHHH!!!

Look Milady, I know it stinks that we're
removing your foot

and plan to eat it tonight, at the healing
feast, but you wouldn't believe it

how much worse this would've been,
even a few years ago...

Bongo hongo bongo, boboh!

* Turk and JD are consulting *

Ohh! Oah?

Augh! Angah! Angah! Angah! Hough!

Hanga! Owhn!

Onga banga tanga ranga,
gatanga batanga banga.

I may have killed you, but I think
I was upset about it.

Listen up people, get around.

Not you, Mr. Miller, staff only.

All right, this is going to be very sample.

Whoever has been stealing scrubs
is going to raise their hand,

pay the hospital back, and be
immediately fired. Let's see him.

Ok, you people leave me no choice.

Heeh! Now you all have to wear scrubs
so hideous that no one would steal them.

You brought this on yourselves,
you thievy bastards.

- Turk, I need to talk to you about Rowdie.
- Hey, wait. Before you say anything,

sorry I skipped out on breakfast
to goof around with Rowdie.

But you've got to understand, Rowdie
is more than a dead toy to JD and me.

We got him together in college
and he's always been there.

- The key to the Salsa is passion.
- And...spin!

There were no drugs in Sam's bag,
and his ur-analysis came back clean.

Don't beat yourself up, bad guy,
I would have suspected me too.

Now we should post a transcript for you:
"Nothing ever changes, Ruth,

in the cancer work for the chemio
patients is low, pick me up".

Oh, and FYI, I happen to like
the voiceovers on Grey's Anatomy.

Except when they are
really vague and generic.

And so in the end, I knew what Elliot
said about the way things were

and for ever change the way
we all thought about.

Actually don't mind the new scrubs.

- Really makesmy outfit pop.
- "Guth agh gan gagh!"

Look, I know that you feel stupid
for falsely accusing Sam,

but it'll all goes away you
just apologize to him.

Weew! Ideal nut score, Barboo,
I wanted to surprise that gentleman

with something I thought he'd really
enjoy so I went out and got him

a brick of heroine shaped like a heart.
Now if I could just find him a funny card.

If you really thought he was still drug
addict you wouldn't let him counsel people.

Of course I would. Addicts make
the very best counselors

because they know just exactly what
druggies are going through, mainly because

and see if you can follow this, they're
currently going through it...too.

I don't care what you think,
I'm always gonna believe in people.

All the best with that, Barbidiot.

You brought these cocoa-colored
scrubs on yourselves, folks.

And thanks for playing along
with that hideous suit, Ted.

- Playing along with what, Sir?
- Nothing. Looking sharp.

Wow.

See? It's fine. Nobody's trying to poison y--

I knew it. She's gone.

Oh, boy! Someone's got to
tell to the black doctor.

I do not want that job.

- Naaah!!!
- Daaamn it! Zombie!

- I can't do this anymore. I'm out.
- What? Oh, no no, toots.

You're out when I say you're out.
I saw that, Frank.

Here's the deal.

When nobody's looking, we grab Steven

and make him go bye bye, then
there'll be only one dog left,

so when Lurch suddenly shows up
with the real Rowdie,

Turk will have to assume that he's
the one who stole him from the car.

- Got it?
- Whatever.

Lets do this.

Laverne Roberts!!!

Awh! Laverne?! I've got the keys right here!

'The hell! Tuna fish on a
sponge..She's getting closer!

- Hey, Bob!
- Hey, Maggie.

- I thought we'd have take care of that foot.
- Don't have insurance.

It's ok, I can get by.

Everyone reacts differently to unpleasant
discoveries. Some people get angry.

Save my seat.

Others are admittedly a tad more dramatic.

Oh my God he's gone...
I think we're gonna be sick!

I never got the chance
to tell that I loved him.

I mean, guys, I know all about bottoming out.

And it wasn't long ago that
I was out there on my knees,

praying to the God, just for help.

- God please! Please, God! God!
- God! Please God, Please help us!

- Please help me!
- God help!

That was weird. Uhm, okay, why
don't we call it a day, okay?

Oh, yes. very you, very you, very you.

Are-are you seriously doing the
cliched sarcastic slow clap?

It's that it's way too '990s.

Was a hell of a performance.

The attitude, the indignation, it was
damn near believeable, do you know that?

Honestly I-I don't really feel the need to
convince you of anything, but I would say

that if you're waiting to watch me slip,

then things are gonna get
really frustrating for you.

Let me tell you something, man.

This guy is amazing, okay?

He's unbelieveable.
To even get into his class,

You have to bring any drugs you
have at home, so you're not tempted.

Just to make sure I got this right...
You have to give your drugs...to him?

Absolutely, yeah.

Oh, that reminds me.
I found these in my dryer.

Tha-thank you, Lloyd.

He-he's doing very well.

Even I have to admit,
that pretty dark clever.

Thanks, I, uhm,

I came up with that when I
was shooting up with my scotch

in the back of it, so look at me now...crazy!

I'm gonna go and take this whole moment,

I'm gonna find Dr. Barbie,
and I'm going to drop it...

in...her face.

...troubles out fin--

Whoa-How! The boyRRs 'member me?

Gost dog! Ghost-dog!

You forced my hand.

Give it!

- How dare you steal our dog?
- Uh?

Sorry, you lose. Bye-bye.

Oh, and you should still have someone to
check your coffe before you drink it.

Sweet, huh? That's one for you, Frank.

Barbie, I have the most
exciting news to tell you.

What the hell, people, I just
saw Maggie Kent in the park.

- Why didn't we treat her?
- She has no insurance.

Then why didn't we do what we always do?

Why didn't you fix it while I turn
my back and pretend not to notice?

- You know the dance.
-We used to.

But if you're gonna threaten to fire
us over taking a pair of scrubs,

why wouldn't we think you'd fire us
for treating an uninsured patient?

Then, if you take away the scrubs, you
take away the trust, and without trust,

everything falls apart.

And just like that, we had our old scrubs back.

I'm telling you guys, this could
gave been a much bigger moment.

Even though I was the only one
who knew how to embrace life,

We all left thinking about
how important trust is.

I, uhm, I just wanted to apologize,
Sam, for not believing...in...you.

Thanks.

- ...but why didn't you tell her?
- 'Cause this hospital

will eventually make her just as cynical
as everybody else in that dump,

does she need my help or not one.

By the way, do me a favor,
if you do use later,

don't drive.

- I'll take the bus, dude.
- Yeah.

Carla protected the trust that
we have in her by coming clean.

Anyway I should've told you guys,

I lost him back then, but hopefully
this will help you forgive me.

Woooow!

Look at those teddy next to each
other, two beautiful dead dogs.

And now, at least you can both have one.

I'm cool at keeping Steve, I mean,
we've got to know each other quite well.

How're we supposed to know who's who?

That's Steven, don't ask me how I know that.

As for Dr. Kelso, he knew that
trusting us again was probably foolish.

G'night, sir.

Still...it was worthy.

You want half of my sandwich?

Thank you Mrs. Swarris.

- It's Kent, Bob, Maggie--
- Shh.