Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 4 - My House - full transcript

J.D. is trying to keep his girlfriend from taking the job that would take her away from him for four months while Dr. Cox tries to solve a "medical mystery".

Elliot had just finished
her last shift at Sacred Heart

before starting her new career
in private practise.

I can't believe it's all over.

God, so many memories.
So many, many memories.

Who wants to say something first?

Elliot, your new office is right there.

Nothing's gonna change
but your lab coat.

Anyone else want to go?

Speaking of new jobs, I wasn't
thrilled that my pregnant girlfriend

was offered
a research grant in Tacoma.

On the up side, I could give her
dramatic "don't-go" kisses

whenever I felt like it.

That was hot, stud, but I think it's
just my leg that's supposed to be up.

Oh, J.D.

This is going to be
such a tough decision,

'cause I don't know
if you're aware of this,

- but I've been really digging you lately.
- Oh, I'm aware, baby.

Oh, my God, she likes me!

Still, I'd only be gone four months,

and you don't want to be around me
when I'm pregnant.

All the women in my family go psycho.

- Yeah, but Kim...
- I wasn't finished!

You know, I'm back. I'm back.

It's perfectly fine. Just hit the wall.

Look, whatever your decision is,
I support you.

You're so awesome, J.D.

My lips taste weird.

Hey. Look who I brought
to see her mama.

Somebody else's child?

We got a code pink, people!

Somebody just stole a baby.

Just shut that.

Baby, so, after I take this kid back to
the nursery, I was thinking

maybe we could pack up you
and Isabella and head home?

Turk, I can't handle going home
right now.

This place is really expensive, honey.

Now, I don't know if you know this,
but the ice packs you've been putting

on your hooey run about
42 bucks a pop.

My body's a disaster zone right now,
but it will get better,

so if you want to get near it ever again,

I would stop talking about money.

All right, who can tell me
anything about Mr Pierce?

He uses oil heaters at his house
in New Hampshire.

That answer was either
very sarcastic or very stupid.

Either way, I'm whacking you
with my clipboard.

- Brace yourself.
- Wait.

He's hypoxic with a clear chest x-ray

which can be a sign of
carbon monoxide poisoning.

I learnt that watching House.

House is a genius.

That's it. I'm whacking both of you.

Look, I know you all curl up
on your futons at night,

dreaming of cracking a real-life
medical mystery so that

some doctor-slash-supermodel will
want to touch your eruption button.

But here's the bad news,
this isn't a TV show.

There aren't any cameras over here.
Real medical mysteries don't happen

every week and doctors damn sure
don't look like models.

They look like Rex.


Chin up, you ugly bastard.
So, if you want to solve a real mystery,

go ahead and figure out who's
taking my New York Times

every Sunday. Or, better yet,

how about why anybody on the planet
actually thinks Dane Cook is funny.

As far as Mr Pierce goes, he has your
run-of-the mill pulmonary embolism.

And I know, I know,

it is a boring medical diagnosis,

but that's what hospitals are. Boring.

Hey, there's that baby you stole.

I kind of miss the little cutie.
We really bonded.

Come on, that kid doesn't
remember you.

So, you're really cool
if Kim decides to take this job?

Hell no, man. She's going to be
all the way in Washington.

And phone sex is out of the question,
because I'm a righty when I talk on

the phone, but I'm also a righty when
I'm teaching mini-J.D. who daddy is.

Can't you work your way around that?

I'm screwed, dude.
I mean, if I ask her to stay,

she's gonna resent me forever.
You know what I gotta do?

I gotta be the best boyfriend ever
so she never wants to leave me.

Turkleton. I need a word.

I wanted to give you
your paycheque in person

so you can hand it back to me
to pay your bill.

- Why don't you just hold onto that, sir?
- That's not how it works.

Now, I'm going to hand it to you
and I want you to look at it,

sigh, and give it back to me.


Nurse Espinosa,
mi hospital es su hospital.

No problemo, chiefo.

Hey, nice new digs.

Looks like you could use
a new coat of paint, though.

If you're interested...

Thank you.

Now I just gotta find someone
to replace this rug.

Air traffic controller, gemologist,
captain of industry, middle reliever,


I invented a machine
that prints business cards.

That's already been invented.

Oh, yeah, I know. But mine

also fires paint pellets.

How about it? Observe.

Curved off to the left. It was working
great yesterday at the zoo.

Doctor Reid, I thought I would just
stop in and say goodbye.

Why? I'll still be working here.

Yes, but you won't be working for
Sacred Heart, the place that spent

a fortune training you, only to
have you take off for greener pastures.

You're like a prostitute that gets
paid up-front and then bolts

from the restaurant after dinner.
It's about common courtesy, Reid.

Whether to your boss or to a
kind-hearted John

who's given you a lot of business
over the years.

So, goodbye, Miss Mei Ling
of Gentle Oriental Escorts,

and goodbye, Dr Reid.

I won't be speaking
to either of you ever again.

Seriously gonna ignore me
because I took another job?

Hey, Sarah. How are you?
I'm Dr Dorian.

Look, you were in and out
of consciousness

when they brought you in.

Do you have any family
you want us to contact?

No, it's just me and my dog, Charlie.

You can try him,
but he rarely answers his cell.

What's Charlie's cell phone number?


Okay. Other than the
obvious loss of your sense of humour,

I understand you've been having
palpitations and shortness of breath.

We'll run some tests
and see what's happening.

There's my girl.

Hey, I got you something. It's a star.

You can get them off this website.
I named it after you.

That's so sweet.

Unfortunately, Kim was taken, so I tried
Kim with two M's, Kim with three M's,

- Kim-1, Kim-2...
- Well, what's it called?


For the freckle on my ass,
my lactose intolerance

and the fact
I graduated high school in 1990.


That was so lucky.

How could I ever leave you?

It's working!

Damn it! Is it the sight?

I've been hit.

Not the sight.

Dr Cox, I need your help.

Make it quick. I gotta be somewhere.


Anywhere you and I aren't talking. Go.

Okay. It's Carla.

I can't get her out of here, and she
listens to you, so I was thinking...

Say no more.

You know, yelling at those interns
made me realise how monotonous it is,

facing the same disease day after day,
and that no matter what I do

to entertain myself, I'm still bored.

Whether it's reading the paper
or shaving the sideburns off

of a resident because his licence plate
says, "PARTY DOC."

By my calculations,
that rant just cost me $27.

- Excuse me, Dr Cox?
- Yes, Party Doc?

I heard crying coming from this room
last night. I thought you should know.

Don't look at me. I wasn't crying.

Maybe it was Mrs Mehleison.
She just had her baby yesterday.

Maybe she got postpartum depression.

One of us needs to check this out.

I got it.

- What?
- I can't do it.

- Why?
- 'Cause her husband is orange.

- Good afternoon.
- What's up?

Oh, Dr Kelso, what radiologist
is on call today?

Oh, right. The silent treatment.

Well, unfortunately for you,
the Reid family has actually been

giving each other the silent treatment
for generations.

There was one time my dad wasn't
talking to my mom because

she stopped boffing the gardener
right at the height of weed season.

I know. She wasn't thinking.

Anyhoo, she finally broke him down
with this little ditty.

Nobody can hear it without chiming in.

Lollipop lollipop
Oh lolli lolli lolli

Lollipop lollipop
Oh lolli lolli lolli


He was about to crack, Ted.
What the hell?

Lollipop lollipop
Oh lolli lolli lolli


Well, your labs are back
and it's definitely heart failure,

but there are no blockages, no virus
is present and you have

no family history of coronary disease.

So why would I have heart failure?

Even though real hospitals aren't like
TV shows, that doesn't mean

there aren't mysteries. Like why
a healthy woman's heart is failing.

Or why a grown man is orange.

Grab a seat, people.
This just got interesting.


Elliot, I wouldn't take that if I were you.

Or why a friend is mad at you
instead of the guy being the jerk.

Don't even talk to me.

Of course, for me, the biggest mystery

was what my girlfriend
was gonna do about her job offer.

So I spent the entire day thinking
I can't leave you for four months,

but you're so amazing about the whole
thing that I finally just called them

and accepted the job.

They want me there tonight.
Can you believe it?

Okay! I'm gonna go get us a muffin.

You okay?



So, you're sure you don't mind
taking me to the airport tonight?

Of course not, babe.

I had to think of a new plan
to keep Kim from leaving.

Unfortunately, work got in the way.

The only thing worse than not knowing
why a patient is crashing

is being offered help by the hospital's
grief counsellor, Dr Headrick.

Need help, old friend?

Oh, yeah. Her kidneys are failing.

- Give her a pep talk. Stat.
- Yeah, no.

Treating her emotionally,

that would have nothing
to do with her medical well-being.

You know,
maybe instead of lashing out at me

you should turn that anger gun
at the person you're really mad at.

Mommy? Just a guess.

I mean, there's got to be some reason
you're always such a D-bag, right?

D- bag.

Okay, we have a 41-year-old male
who is as orange as an NBA game ball.

Who can tell me why?

- I got an idea.
- Yeah, I got an idea, too.

If you want to work, let's stop paying
for the room, so you can go home.

Then you can come back
and get paid to work.

Turk, I just need a break from the baby.

Mr Mehleison might be a vegetarian.
He's always eating carrots.

But carotene, like jaundice,
turns you yellow,

just like certain blood disorders
turn you blue

and tomatoes can turn you red.

Sadly, there isn't anything on God's
green Earth that turns you orange.

Maybe he got freaky
with some Cheetos.

Swing and a miss, Webster. Next.

Maybe he used some fake tan cream.

I used it once.
Turned me orange all over.

There were no foreign substances
found on his skin.

But kudos, Keith,
on finally outing yourself.

Hello, Stacy, Rebecca, Larry.

Jennifer, Lyle, portly island boy...

Elliot, I can't get Carla
to leave this place.

Yeah, I don't really
give a rat's doo-doo maker, Turk.

- Why does she hate me?
- Don't say "hate," Gandhi.

You kids throw that word
around so much

it's lost all of its meaning.

Now I have to find
a word stronger than hate

to describe how I feel about others.

I mega-loathe you all. Good day.

Here's Dr Cox.
He's one of my colleagues

and he's gonna help me
with your diagnosis.

We're kind of teammates.

So, Sarah here has
the beginnings of what looks like...

I can read a chart, Newbie.

Now, leave before I put
a rhinestone collar around your neck,

have you fixed,
and make you my lap doctor.

- Again, teammates. Okay.
- Go.

I see by your chart here that you are...

- You are single.
- That's right.

Kim's leaving to pack and I still have
no plan to make her stay.

It's go time.

Just say the first thing that pops
into your head.

- Hey, J.D.
- I'm rich.

- You don't have to take that job.
- You're not rich.

Oh, yes, I am, Kim.

And this right here is
my dope-ass Mercedes, okay?

I didn't want to tell you 'cause
I wanted you to like me for me.

- You're an idiot, J.D.
- Am I, Kim?

Dr Tabini. Dr Tabini, I'm on the car.
Larry! Larry! I'm on the car.

There's my girl.

J.D., why didn't you just tell me
you didn't want me to go?

What am I supposed to say, Kim?
"Don't go 'cause I'll miss you"?

Kim, we both know you were
always gonna take that job

and I was always going
to want you not to.

Look, it's only four months.
It's really good for my career.

And then I said something
I wish I hadn't.

Why don't you just do
what's best for you?

You know what?
I'll get myself to the airport.

You usually have to go to a van
convention to see art of this quality.

- You do.
- Gotta confess, though.

I cheated a little bit. I used an actual
head from the morgue as a model.

Be careful, it's actually
around here somewhere.

- I think I heard something break.
- Here you go.


I also buy and sell feet. So, any way
you want to go, I got you covered.


Hey, Elliot,
you gonna finish that muffin?

- Why are you so pissy with us?
- Why is Sarah dying?

Why is that guy orange?

Around here, sometimes you do wish
it was more like TV.

And a bigger-than-life character
like House would just show up

and conveniently solve everything.

Ah, yes, the huddled masses.
Carla, I see you're trying one of

this establishment's disgusting
new tomato muffins.

Do you know who else
just loved tomatoes?

Our little orange friend, Mr Mehleison.

As you correctly pointed out,
the only thing he loved more than

tomatoes were carrots.
And if carrots turn you yellow

and tomatoes turn you red,
what colour would he most likely turn

if he were to gorge himself
on both those items?

- Orange.
- Correct. And Gandhi,

I understand that you are confused

as to why Private Practise Barbie
has a beef

with you and your
scrawny little life partner.

Kelso's the one being the jerk. Not us.

Yes, but even though that horny old
raisin is acting like an ass,

in doing so, he's actually
acknowledging that she's ready

to move on professionally.
Guess who hasn't acknowledged that?

Nothing's gonna change
but your lab coat.

He's right. I mean, lately all this great
stuff's been happening to you guys.

You're settling down
and having babies...

Dear God, Barbie, we get the point.

This would roughly be my time.

Now, Newbie, as far as
your patient is concerned,

Takosobu Cardiomyopathy.

- Ever heard of it?
- I haven't.

Takosobu Cardiomyopathy, also
known as "Broken Heart Syndrome,"

is when a severe emotional trauma
triggers a weakening

of the heart muscle. On her chart
you indicated that she was single,

yet I noticed she was
still wearing her wedding ring.

Turns out her husband had just died

and she wasn't ready to
take the ring off yet.

I'm betting that her grief
over his passing

is what caused her heart failure.

And, no, no, I'm not Superman.

I'm just Dr Cox.

Thanks for the coffee.

She's going to need a lot more
counselling, but we'll get her there.

Well, not "we," so much as me.

I mean, your part, the bungling
of the diagnosis, is done.

I can't believe you can have heart
failure just from being sad.

I mean, how are you
supposed to treat that?

He's coding!
Get me a box of kittens, stat!

Possible side effects of kittens
include sneezing,

tiny scratches and erectile dysfunction.

Wouldn't I be a great spokesperson
for things?

Could you do me a favour?

Next time, just remember to take care
of your patient emotionally.

If someone's in a good place, they heal
quicker. If they're in a negative place,

well, that can destroy the body,
the mind... It can destroy anything.

Even a relationship.

- Will you excuse me for a second?
- Oh, God, yes.

This is the final boarding call
for Action Air, flight 65.

Non-stop service
to Tacoma, Washington.

- Kim, wait!
- J. D?

I couldn't let you leave
without you knowing

I completely support your decision.

Oh, J. D!

Now, let's get that shirt off.
There they are.

So, then everyone watches us do it
and claps after?

- The end.
- Sweet story.

I'm sorry. I was such an idiot.
I just... I'm really gonna miss you.

Look, we're gonna talk every night,

we're gonna get you
a hands-free headset

for phone sex
and we're gonna get through it.

Oh, God, I'm gonna be
so big when I get back,

you're not going to want to touch me.

Don't be ridiculous.
I've been with a lot of big girls.

Oh, yeah?

The best part of a great mystery
is its resolution.

Whether you finally realised
what your friend was looking for...

- So, tell me about your new job.
- It's amazing.

...or just figuring out
why a guy was orange.

Am I ever going to look normal again?

Oh, sure, sure, as long as you cut
back on your vegetables.

Maybe, I don't know,
buy some clothes from this decade.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Your wife was crying the other night.

Keep an eye out for postpartum
depression. It's pretty serious.

She hasn't seemed sad at all,
but I'll keep an eye out.

Of course, no matter how many
mysteries you solve,

it's always easy to miss one.

Turk, I can't handle
going home right now.

Don't look at me. I wasn't crying.

I just need a break from the baby.

Like who's really in trouble.