Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 3 - My Coffee - full transcript

It was a day of discovery.

I discovered that I could sex
my pregnant girlfriend into a coma.

Nice!

Carla discovered that her baby

wasn't the only one
who loved breast-feeding.

Are you hungry, sweetie?

I could eat.

Dr Kelso discovered
change was not always welcome.

A coffee place in a hospital?

What's next, Bob,
an ice cream parlour in the morgue?

Admittedly, not a horrible idea,



seeing that the freezers
are already down there.

Plus, it'll be a perfect place for kids.

One of our famous vanilla malteds
definitely takes the sting

out of having to identify the
freshly-charred remains of your father.

Nobody else seems to mind.

I should have worn sun block.

Did you get tickets yet?

Another one!

Now I'm at the end of both lines.

Still, the best discovery

was learning that someone I drummed
out of medicine had landed on his feet.

Frontsies! Cabbage!

Hey, Dr D!

That's what we call, "Cabbage-tastic. "



Oh, I love this job.

I screw up,
nobody gets hurt except Cindy.

I scalded her pretty bad
with some steamed milk.

You could see the bone.

How about a second
of that dynamite ape impression?

I'm sorry, Cindy.

Once he's in monkey mode
you can't stop him.

But who would want to, right? Cheers.

Hey, Kim.

Just checking to see
if your socks are back on

since I knocked them off last night.

Hello!

What am I doing?
You're the mother of my child.

That is so tacky.

And so is this. Way to hit that, playah!

- All right! Zoom. Zoom!
- Zoom.

- So sorry.
- Relax, it's just sex.

We should be able to talk about it.

I'm not telling Isabella
she's got a vagina till she turns 18.

That's gonna be
an awkward birthday party.

Do not tell my daughter
she has a vagina! I'm serious.

It may have already come up.

Kim, J.D. tells us you're looking
around town for a new job.

Yeah, I just don't think the department
head here is ever gonna promote me.

Why?

Dr Lemke, you're gonna love this.

We're a husband
and wife piano-playing team,

only I have no hands.

- With my head.
- How great is that?

This is my wife, Sally.

She lost her thumbs last month

when our pet Komodo dragon, Morty,
got out of his cage.

On the bright side,
you have beautiful nubs.

A tip jar? Really?

So, what am I supposed to do,
just duke you my change

because you poured hot water
through beans?

Well, I tell you what, my friend, unless
you're also planning on giving me

a complimentary reach-around
with my beverage,

I'm afraid the answer is, yeah, no!

Here's a novel idea.

Why don't you go fetch me
a very large cup of coffee

with so damn many fake sugars in it
that the coffee itself gets cancer?

Guys, guys, I've got a good one.
Is it me or does someone...

...someone need to switch to decaf?
... someone need to switch to decaf?

Lay off of Elliot. She doesn't watch
as much old TV as we do.

You actually stood up for me.

But now I'm forced to ask,

"Who are you
and what have you done with Turk?"

- Stop finishing my awesome jokes!
- Oh, my God.

She's so beautiful. Can I hold her?

That's up to Turk.

He's kind of paranoid
about people dropping her.

Yeah, you've got decent hands.
Go ahead.

I get her first
because we're best friends.

Elliot. Ted, give it!

I'm next.

- What?
- You drop everything.

When do...

Besides now.

Look, come on, it is a human life.
I'll focus. Give it to me. Right here.

Wait, one moresie!

So, Carla, how much time
do you think you'll take off?

Look at this little angel.
I may never go back to work.

I heard suckling.

So, you're having chest pains,
Mr Turner.

Actually, it's Dr Turner.

You look like someone I used to date.

I had a brief "older guy" jones,

but now I'm with
someone more age-appropriate

and I'm like, "What was I thinking?"

We are disgusting.

Yeah, but for some reason,
I was curious.

- Anyhoo, we'll just run the usual tests.
- Sounds good.

Dr Turner seems like a nice guy
and he's hot.

You know, like if you left
Brad Pitt out in the sun forever.

Stop it, Elliot, it took you months
to get over that old man fetish.

Blondie, he is private practise.

Those guys are cocky jackasses

who don't give two shakes about
anybody else's opinion but their own.

They're me, with one addendum,
they're whores.

And I'm not talking about the good
kind of whores, like my ex-wife.

They're whores for money.

- Is that a tip jar?
- Look.

I'm figuring if those lumps down at the
coffee shop can have one, I can, too.

Listen to me,
you may like Turner right now,

but he is a doctor
and doctors make terrible patients.

Sooner or later,
they all try to treat themselves.

- Perry, a quick word...
- Bobbo, no time!

Gotta go tell Mr Clancy
that his tumour is benign.

Is that not exciting?

Should be worth a finsky.
What do you think?

- Where the hell did you all come from?
- Sneak attack.

You can put your shoes on again,
guys, nice work.

Dr Kelso, as spokesman for
the support staff of this hospital,

I have a request.

I do not want to hear any more
about a college scholarship fund.

Stop filling your children's heads
with nonsense.

Pull them out of high school

and teach them a trade
like plumbing or undertaking.

None of us here even have kids,
except for Margo and she sold hers.

- We want a dental plan.
- Dental is for old people.

You young bucks have years before
you have to worry about your choppers.

One, two...

Lovely. No.

Rudy, did you tear
an actual tooth out of your head?

We're all faking it, man.
What are you...

Okay, don't worry. You know what?

I've got a jar of monkey teeth
in my workbench. What's that, molar?

We're gonna be all right.

Man, we got smoked.

That's what we get for playing
a bunch of G's from the hood.

Those guys are Indian.

So, Rajesh isn't one of those cool,
black-only names like, "Anfernee"?

No, Rajesh is like "Steve" in India.

Yeah.

Why are we stopping?

You always buy me a cotton candy
after the game

to celebrate my good sportsmanship.

Yeah, well, you know what?

I can't be buying you stuff all the time.

Yeah, well, I'm very close to a tantrum.

Could you guys look at my shoulder?
I tweaked it pretty good.

Come on, Vijay.

First you dunk on me and yell,
"Who's your bitch?"

Now you want free medical advice?

How did I not know
these guys were Indian?

I'll give you 20 bucks.

I'm sorry, my friend,
but that's just unethical.

Done and done.

Who's the new guy?

This is Dr Kershnar from my practise.

Elliot Reid, I was telling you about.
Give her a wave. Attaboy. So...

Look, as a doctor,

I know that you're gonna be tempted
to want to treat yourself,

and I just want you to know
that's not gonna fly with me.

- Understood.
- Great.

Now, I believe that surgery

on your abdominal aortic aneurism's
gonna be too aggressive.

I'd like to start you
on 25 grams of Lopressor.

- Don't you mean 25 milligrams?
- There, see?

You're already trying to treat yourself.
That was a test.

- But 25 grams would kill me.
- I know.

- But it's still a test.
- Fine.

From now on, you're the doctor.

All right, relax. You're fine.
Just ice it when you get home.

Zoom?

Put that away, Turk!
That's back-alley money!

- Relax.
- Hey!

I'll give you 20 bucks
if you check out my rash.

I'm sorry, Cotton Candy Man,

but unlike my friend here,
I have no interest in being sued for...

- Do I smell blue?
- Just added the dye.

You crafty, crafty man!
That is fluffing up nicely.

Hey, give me some money.
I'm jonesing for some C-squared.

You don't want my "back-alley money,"
do you?

You heartless bastard.

All right, let's see your disgusting rash.

It's probably just eczema.
One blue, please.

I'd like to see the blueberry again.

Blueberries taste fresh.

Hint of lemon zest. I'm intrigued.

And, unfortunately, processed flour.
No, thank you.

Let me try your carrot.

I have a non-fat latte
with room for schnapps for Janitor?

Yep. Thank you.

- Nice braces.
- Yeah.

You're not worried
about the spider monkeys?

Spider monkeys?

Spider monkeys see intricate
metalwork as a display of dominance.

It's a threat to them.
They tear your eyes out.

Well, I'm just psyched
this place is paying for them.

You get dental?

So, Dr Turner said that
I am a very talented young physician.

Jordan said I'm the only man
she ever wants to have sex with.

Aren't we sharing fantastic lies

we choose to believe
for personal reasons?

He's actually a very deferential patient.

Instead of surgery,
I'm treating his AAA with drugs.

Dope!

I think Dr Chatterbox there
scheduled him for surgery.

What the hell, Kersh?

I don't care
if we had extra coffee money left over,

I don't feel right taking that guy's cash.

Dude, stop stressing. See you later.

Is anybody planning on emptying that?

Sometimes everything you need
to know is on the side of a coffee cup.

"Never underestimate those
around you for they may betray you. "

Greetings, customer!
What can I get you?

"They may deceive you. "

And here we are.

Even though Kershnar's signature is
on the chart,

this is the gentleman
who ordered the surgery.

No, he didn't. Tell him.

What would you like me to say?

I'm just gonna go ahead
and tip myself for calling this one.

Thank you, me!

"In the end, those same people will
make you wish you'd never met them. "

Maybe that wasn't just a rash
on Cotton Candy Man.

I didn't tell Kim about
how I most likely ruined my career

by misdiagnosing
the Cotton Candy Man.

I don't like to be a burden
to the people I care about.

Turk, I need you and I need you now.

Isabella, this is the man you'll be
competing with for your father's love.

Goochy-goochy-goo. Turk, now!

- Baby, he's using his emergency tone.
- Go ahead, I have to feed her anyway.

My breasts are so sore.
I wish I could just give you formula.

Formula's bad for the baby.
Boob milk's healthier.

His rash was probably purpura

from disseminated
intravascular coagulopathy,

and I missed it, Turk. I'm screwed.

Okay, you go in there
and take care of things. I'll...

I'll just stand out here

and think about all the things
I'll miss about being a doctor.

The light cotton outfits, the free gauze.

He's gone.

Somebody shot him.

I hope it wasn't the Corn Dog Guy.
They never got along.

Look, Dr Turner, you're older,
you're not in the best health.

I really think
that this surgery could kill you.

Are they gonna come in
and shave me soon?

- I'm still your primary physician.
- No, Kershnar's my lead now.

I think surgery is the right choice.

What? Did you give him cue cards?

That way he gets it exactly right.

You don't scare me.

Eventually,
you will all come crawling back.

Now, how about somebody gets me

a banana nut muffin
and hold the spit, please.

As manager, I reserve the right
to refuse service to anyone.

Manager?

- You have worked here one day.
- Corporate loved my ingenuity.

I was saying, the two most
addictive substances on Earth

are caffeine and nicotine.

Behold.

Smoke-accino for Kyle.

Kyle? Smoke-accino for Kyle.
Enjoy that.

That's as tall as he's gonna get.

I feel like I dodged a bullet.

Trust me, Brown Bear, you don't want
this hanging over your head.

Find Vijay
and give him his 20 bucks back.

Yeah, but then I'd have to give
the money back to all the others.

I kind of did a few diagnoses
at the mall yesterday.

Are you crazy? You could get sued.

Secondly, I can't believe
you went to the mall without me.

I specifically told you
I needed to buy loafers.

And, thirdly, how could you
go to the mall without me?

That's our thing!

Well, I don't see you giving the money
back to Cotton Candy Man.

As a matter of fact, I already did.

A 20! Score!

Cool shirt.

All right, I earned that money,

and I'm not giving it back and there's
nothing you can do to make me.

Give those people their money back!

- I can't believe you told.
- Turk, we're doctors.

We live by a moral code.

Aloha! I came to see the little kahuna.

Giant coffee.

Saw you coming.
Here's your venti drip.

Say, how about
a Corinne Bailey Rae CD?

With her stripped-down sound
and chilled-out vibe,

this British soul superstar
is one of the year's hottest newcomers.

You know what? I'll take one of those.

It's a sale.

You know the worst thing
about Turner's surgery?

I'm gonna be right, but he's gonna die.
It'll be a hollow victory.

If I got to be right

and have a private practise doctor
die due to his own idiocy,

I would call that a pretty full victory.

- Banana nut muffin, please.
- Sir, I've been told not to serve you.

Hey! Just take me.

What are they gonna do,
put you in jail?

You're Bob Kelso.
Just grab me and run.

Do it!

All right, I'm going on break.
Don't touch the muffin puppet.

Let's see if you're qualified
to hold your own baby.

I caught it! That counts.

I'm gonna go hold
the crap out of that baby!

J.D., what the hell? I'm a surgeon.
That could have hit my hand.

Why are you being so weird lately?

You won't loan me money
for cotton candy,

you're charging strangers
for medical advice,

and now you're worried
about your hand?

Who are you?

...and what did you do with Turk?
... and what did you do with Turk?

Great work, everybody, thank you.

I asked them to help me out
for emphasis.

Seriously, what's going on?

You saw how it happened yesterday.

Look at this little angel.
I may never go back to work.

How the hell am I supposed to
take care of a whole family by myself?

I'm so sorry, Barbie.

Why didn't he listen?

I thought that you hated him.

When it comes to torturing you,
everybody's on the same page.

You know, Reid,
you had the cojones to stand up to me,

unlike Kershnar,
whom I've so demoralised

he's basically my trained chimp.

He's almost human.

Anyway, I've got enough yes-men,
you've got a spine, join my practise.

You could still work out of this hospital.

The only difference
is you'd make double the money.

Easy, buddy.
That smell burning your nostrils

isn't just the baby throw up
on her jacket.

I got to hold Isabella.

She squirted out of my arms,
but Carla caught her.

That's the smell of a doctor
with integrity.

Also, you'll never have to answer
to this guy again.

- Wow, I got a family.
- I know.

In seven months,
I'm gonna have a family, too.

Did you ever think we'd be here back
when we were freshmen in college?

Remember that first week when I found
you hooking up with my girlfriend

and you said you guys were only naked
underneath the covers

because you'd had a
water balloon fight and you were cold?

J.D., for the last time,
nothing happened.

Please, this isn't about that.

It's just that I looked all over,
I never found any balloons.

You think there'd be some balloons.

I look at Isabella and I get really scared

and I'm gonna need you to be there
to help me through this.

Well, that sucks because I was
counting on you to make it look easy

so I know I can handle it
when my turn comes.

Awesome.

Turk, you're at the beginning
of your career.

You know
you're gonna make plenty of money.

It's good to hear that from you,
thank you.

- You're gonna be just fine.
- I suppose so.

- Totally fine.
- Yeah.

Would you mind telling me
that I'm gonna be fine, Turk?

Am I gonna be fine?
I think I'm gonna be fine.

Well, I would, but I don't know
how much you like Kim.

- I really like her.
- Then, you're gonna be fine.

Thanks.

Is there anything else
you wanna tell me or admit to?

I mean, I looked everywhere.
There was no signs of balloons.

Opportunities are everywhere.

Whether it's accepting an old job...

Hey.

You can have your dental.

Now clean up this mess.

...or taking a new job.

I'd like to join your practise.

As for me, I was just excited
to have the opportunity

to get to know
the mother of my child better.

- I got offered a new job.
- Cool! Is it over at County?

Because that way
I can drop you off every morning.

It's in Tacoma, Washington.

That's gonna be a little rough
on my scooter.