Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 14 - My No Good Reason - full transcript

When a terminal patient
seems to have given up,

a good doctor will try anything
to keep them going.

Betty, there's got to be something
I can do to cheer you up.

I just wish I could see my dog.

So I'd just bring the dog in
for a quick visit.

It would mean the world to her.

Ever since Elliot
went into private practise,

Dr Kelso refused to speak to her.

He wouldn't say hello.

Good morning, Dr Kelso.

He wouldn't even say,
"Watch out for that bucket. "



See you. I've got to go
give an endocrinology lecture.

I got you.

My bad.

But Elliot didn't let it get to her.

Okay, let's talk
about ectopic ACTH-secreting tumors.

Guys, cell phones off, please.

She didn't help things
by bringing up Kelso's dead dog.

Oh, come on, you brought Baxter
to the hospital when he was alive.

Did you want to ask me something?

Can a doctor bring a patient's dog
into the hospital for a visit?

I'm going to say the same thing
I said to my new gardener

when he asked me for Easter off.
"No way, Jose. "

His name's actually Jose.
That's why I hired him.

Look, so we just hired a new nanny,
and she is super hot.



Please don't make a big deal
out of this, or Carla will go crazy.

Turk, who are you talking to?
I've seen a lot of hot girls. I know how...

Oh, my God.

We're going for a run with Izzy.

- Oh, J.D., this is Heather.
- Hi, how are you?

What's up?

Oh, my God, she's so hot,
I have to go hug her "hello. "

- Keep it together.
- I can't, I'm gonna make a scene.

Just grab my leg. Grab my leg.

See you later.

- I'm light-headed.
- I can't feel my leg.

- I'm light-headed.
- I can't feel my...

You know what, it's too dark out.

I just realised, this tank top's
a little see-through.

Go ahead.

Thank you so much for helping me
sneak Boomer in, Janitor.

No problem. Here you go, boy.

- Okay, boy, okay.
- Oh, what a good boy!

Wait, what happened
to all of your cleaning supplies?

Actually, that's a very funny story.

And?

Nothing. I'm just looking
at my cleaning supplies.

I got drunk last night
and threw them up in that tree.

Anyway, let's do this. Just stay cool.

No problemo.

Top of the morning,
Dr Walter Mickhead.

Snoop Dogg Resident,
when we hitting the clubs, yo?

Oh, Colonel Doctor,
that tie looks finger-lickin' good.

Wow, so natural.
Did you act in college?

- I did, thank you.
- I can tell.

Hey, Carla. Check it out.

- He's so cute!
- Heads up, here comes trouble.

Oh, no. Don't worry.

Dr Kelso never makes eye contact
with the patients.

Morning, sir.

Right. Hello again, sir.

Nice job, Mr Berkland.

Since Jordan had pre-natal surgery,
she'd been on bed rest.

Dr Cox, however, was not.

Okay, I made you breakfast,
the kitchen's as clean as a whistle,

I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare
on the way to work.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

I need you to go to the video store

and get me anything
with Viggo something-sen.

I need white chocolate,
strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie

and a Polaroid of the tomato plant
that I planted last spring

because I'm worried it may have snails.

Oh, and if you see that neighbour,
Lena, from down the hall,

I want you to roll your eyes and
say the word "slut" under your breath,

but loud enough so she can hear.

And don't forget to be home by 6:30

because you gotta give Jack his bath
before you make my dinner.

But when will I have time to kill myself?

That's not my problem.

You know what sucks
about having a hot nanny?

I can't even look at Heather
without Carla going ballistic.

Sceptical air-five.

She can't be that hot.

Oh, really? Because I just so happen
to have a video from my nanny-cam

that begs to differ.

My mom put a nanny-cam
in our bathroom.

She said my baths were too long.

Fire up the smut.

How did you assemble everybody
so quickly?

Oh, I got the word out.

Booby!

Booby!

Booby!

We did everything we could
for your mom,

but sometimes life just...

Booby!

Got to go. Booby horn.

Here they come!

God, Keith and I haven't had sex
in so long.

Okay, you said the same thing when
you saw me changing Izzy's diaper.

What are you and Keith
doing to each other?

Oh, thank you so much, Dr Reid.

Can you believe
how different she looks?

I mean, thanks to Boomer, Betty has
more energy, her vitals have improved.

If we keep this up, she might even
get home and have a few more months.

Move.

What's up your butt?

Yeah, what is all up in there?

Why don't you hop aboard the
What's-up-Dr. -Cox's-butt Trolley,

and we can begin our tour.

Coming up on the left is my bloated,
bed-ridden ex-wife

who's not allowed to lift a finger, which,

thankfully, leaves it
all up to these guys.

Now, if you'll look to your right,
you'll see my waning libido,

my crushed soul
and my very last nerve,

which I would advise you not to get on,
under or even close to.

Does it help to know
that Jesus loves you?

It does not.

Well, everything happens for a reason.

Are you really trying to tell me

that things like New Orleans, AIDS,
sugar-free ice cream, crack babies,

Hugh Jackman and cancer
all happen for a reason?

Because I'm sorry, I'm...
I'm just not buying that.

"God works all things for good. "
Romans, 8:28.

Bull dinky.

Perry Cox, 6'1 ".
A buck eighty-five after lunch.

What's the matter? You're so fussy.

Why are you so fussy?

I'd let her give me a bath,
I don't care if my mom was watching.

Could you make her eat a banana?

It's not interactive, Todd.

There it is!

There it is, let me...

Hey, baby!

- What are you guys watching?
- Football.

- Yeah, football.
- Yeah, football.

- Good game, good game.
- Football. Yeah.

Football? Isn't the season over?

And then every male in the room
fell totally in sync,

resulting in the rarest
of all phenomenon,

the seamless, collaborative guy-lie.

The American season is over.
We were watching Mexican football.

- They started late this year.
- Because of the churro vendors.

They went on strike and the players
wouldn't cross the picket line.

When the dispute turned violent,
they called in Rodrigo Vasquez,

the owner of the Baja Banditos,
to step in.

Thanks to Senor Vasquez's experience
dealing with the fruit-pickers' unions,

he was able to broker a last-minute
deal, and the season was salvaged.

And that's why
we're watching football in the spring.

Whatever.

And then Turk gave us
the slightest of nods,

which was the universal man-sign for,
"Well done, men. She'll never know. "

Turk, what the hell?

Janitor, thank you so much for helping
me sneak Boomer in again today.

No problem. I once snuck a mongoose
in this thing to kill all the snakes.

- Why were there snakes in here?
- I snuck them in to kill all the mice.

Where's the disinfectant, Lurch?

I spilled soda on my desk this morning,
and now it's all sticky.

Well, I'm all out. Here, use this.

You want me to clean soda with soda?

Are you questioning the way
I do my job?

Did I question you when you did
iliac bone marrow autopsy

and failed to anesthetise
the periosteum adequately?

No. No, you didn't.

Hey, the little fellow
figured out the latch.

Just like the snakes.

Well, if it isn't Nurse
"Everything Happens For A Reason. "

Oh, gosh darn it!

I went ahead and spilled a little coffee.

I wonder what the reason was for that?

Okay, I am not moving
until you at least offer to help me up.

There is no rhyme or reason
to anything,

why can't you just get that?

Why is it so important that
everyone believes what you do?

Because I'm right,
and I'm the only one with any proof.

I'm still down here!

You don't need proof when
the good Lord fills your heart with faith.

Oh, my God.

Thank you for that, Noelle.

You can keep on huffing and puffing
all you want to,

you're never gonna change
the way I feel.

Oh, please! I am so angry right now...

You know what?
We're no longer speaking!

Guys, I need some help over here.

There are lots of different ways
to win an argument.

You can win it with an ultimatum.

I interviewed 23 girls
until I found Heather,

but if I ever catch you eyeballing her
again, I will fire her tight little butt.

And then you'll get to spend
every waking moment

interviewing the next 23
fugly-ass candidates

until we find another good one.

You can try to win it with logic.

Tell Dr Kelso that I know
it's against hospital policy

but that this dog has literally
helped keep Mrs Dombrow alive.

Mrs Dombrow passed away
this morning at 4:00 a. m.

Tell Dr Reid there will be
consequences for her insubordination,

and say it with this face.

But the best way to win an argument

is to simply
leave your opponent speechless.

Patient was stabbed by a guy
in a grocery store.

She's eight years old.

Why don't you go ahead
and tell me what the reason is for this?

Then...

I blew Laverne's argument
clean out of the water when I asked her

why an eight-year-old got knifed.

Oh, my God, that is so lucky.

I know. I was thrilled, but then
Laverne ruined everything.

There's a reason for this.

God's gonna show us eventually.

It's infuriating.

I must break her.

That feels so good.

I can't believe
I'm about to say this, Per,

but what the hell. You know how
I can never use the word "love"

except in a sarcastic way,

like, "I love other people's kids,"
or, "I love that haircut!"

By the way, love that haircut, Per!

Everybody does.

I just wanted to let you know that

you've really been there for me
these past few weeks, and

I'm really glad I have you.

That was embarrassing for you.

I know, and I don't care.

What's he smiling about?

Because of the dog thing,

Dr Kelso wants me to tell you
that he has informed your office

that you're temporarily suspended
from practicing at Sacred Heart.

Just so you know,
I told him he was being ridiculous.

What did he say?

He said, "Careful, Jumpsuit.
Who signs your paychecks?"

And I said, "I don't know. The Chief
Accountant, Charles Fickinson

"or Dickinson or something,
I can't read the signature.

"And, for the hundredth time, this is not
a jumpsuit, it's a shirt and a pants.

"Who wears a belt with a jumpsuit?"

- And he says, "I may not have the... "
- Random nurse,

could you please send out a memo
that unauthorised personnel

are not allowed in the hospital?

Oh, here's Heather.

Why don't you look away and think
about the kind of husband you are?

Look who's here, Izzy.

She's been a little fussy, so I'm going
to walk her to the car with you, okay?

- See you, Mr Turk.
- See you.

You know, Heather? I actually have
a little nanny-related question.

Does a spoonful of sugar
really make the medicine go down?

You know what? Sometimes it does.

That was totally worth the six hours
I spent last night writing that.

All right, look,
I need you to do me a solid.

Ask Heather out on a date.

Don't worry, buddy.
You know how I roll.

I start with a couple off-the-cuff jokes
just like that one.

Next up, I need you to find out
if she's allergic to anything.

That way,
I'll say I'm allergic to the same thing.

Women love that. "Gluten! Me, too!
We can eat together. "

Thirdly, if I lose
a patient, I'll be able to cry

like I just watched
Extreme Home Makeover.

If everything goes according to plan,

I should be out with her on a casual,

not-a-real-date, just-two-friends-
having-a-beer-talking-about-their-lives

thing in about seven to nine weeks.

I need you to ask her
on a date right now.

I never told you this before,
but any time you hook up with a chick,

she automatically becomes
hideous to me.

- Really?
- Hey, guys.

- Have you seen Carla?
- Yeah, she just went outside.

Thanks. I'm having
a horrible fricking day.

I'll say.

You don't see that?

Laverne, excuse me, this is...
This is Mr Peterson.

He's that young lady's father.

As you can imagine, he's having
a pretty tough time with all of this.

And since you believe that everything
happens for a reason,

I was hoping you'd be able
to tell him why this happened.

That's not her dad.
That's the delivery guy in a sweater.

- My name's Lloyd.
- Stay in character.

She's my world!

Okay, imagine that this idiot
were her father.

What the hell would you say to him?

Oh, my God!
There's a tumour the size of a golf ball

right where the knife went in.

If we hadn't found this,
she'd be a goner.

I think that's what I'd say.

- How'd we do?
- Great. Go.

So until Kelso reinstates me here,

my practise has me doing house calls
on all their rich clients.

During the last one,
I'm taking the woman's vitals

and her grandson kept trying to poke
his tiny little finger up my butt.

- Kids, huh?
- He's 41, Carla.

He just has very small hands.

Well, that's not right.

Can you believe Kelso?

Dr Kelso's just angry, Elliot.

I mean, have you ever
considered it from his side?

His hospital trains you for five years,
and you go get a better job.

Which is great!
But, I mean, let me ask you this.

Have you ever once thanked him?

- So how was your date with Heather?
- It was touch-and-go at the end.

- I had a really good time tonight.
- Thanks. Me, too.

But I knew you needed me,
so I went for it, Italian-style.

That's not what you want.

And just when it couldn't get
any better...

J. D?

Oh, my God. Chad Miller,
Danny Murphy, Jim Stegger?

The three football players
who used to beat me up in high school.

Looks like we were
wrong about you, man.

What are you guys up to now?

We're all gay together.

- Do you remember Kristin Fisher?
- Of course!

You turned me down
for homecoming and prom,

even though I didn't ask you
to either one.

Well, I'd love to make it up to you
and have sex with both of you.

If that's all right with you, Heather.

As long as we make it all about J.D.

Sure!

Come on in.

Enough of this, let's go bang.

And that's why Heather
will never look attractive to you again.

- Come on, buddy.
- Where did I lose you?

How did Kristin know Heather's name?

- Damn, you're good!
- Yeah.

We went line dancing,
and I cut her with one of my spurs.

I'm sorry, buddy.

All right, baby, here it is.

Our nanny is very attractive,

but you and I, we're married,
our relationship is rock-solid.

So I think we both know
it's no big deal

if I look at her
every once in a while, right?

Heather, we're gonna
have to let you go.

So sorry.

Dr Kelso, I need to talk to you,
and I know that you won't speak to me,

but that's okay,
because I just need you to listen.

You're a scary, scary man,
and because I've been petrified of you,

I've stayed up every night for five years
studying medical books

which I can pretty much now recite
in my sleep.

I don't have a husband or kids,

and the last movie I went to see was
The Blair Witch Project,

which is the main reason
I've stopped camping.

That and the time a wolf mounted me...

My point is you've helped push me
to become the doctor that I am today.

And for that, I want to thank you.

One more thing. I'm sure that no dog
could ever replace Baxter,

but this little guy needs a home.

If you decide you don't want him,
just bring him back to me.

- That was a coincidence.
- What?

That knife, it just happened
to go into the exact right spot.

You do not get a win for dumb luck.

Look, if that's the way you choose
to see the world, then so be it,

but don't you dare try
to take this away from me.

I've been coming in here
every day for 24 years,

watching children die
and seeing good people suffer,

and if I quit believing that there was
a bigger plan behind all this, well,

I just wouldn't be able
to show up tomorrow.

So just stop it!

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

You'd be surprised

how many bad things
happen around here for a reason.

Well, I wish I could believe that.

It was awful that Jordan
had to have pre-natal surgery,

but how have you two been since then?

I'm really glad I have you.

Better than ever.

Good night.

So maybe sometimes bad things
do happen for a reason.

Like your hot nanny getting fired.

Turk, look at this!

You know, for a half-breed baby,

your parents have
some pretty nice stuff.

She was a racist thief.

A smoking-hot racist thief.

You look pretty.

Or how getting suspended
can get a relationship back on track.

Dr Reid!

Consider your suspension over.

That said, you're still
a ridiculous excuse for a doctor.

He talked to me.

Or how facing a tough situation
can bring you closer together.

- How's that baby?
- She's hanging in there.

Be careful, though,
because around here,

if you start believing that
bad things happen for a reason,

it hurts that much more
when they don't.

What's with all the sad faces?

Laverne was in a car accident
on her way to work.

She's in a coma and unresponsive.