Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 15 - My Long Goodbye - full transcript

Laverne was in a car accident and is in a coma. Everyone has a hard time dealing with it. Jordan is having her baby, but Dr. Cox doesn't want everybody knowing about it. J.D is the only one...

Laverne was in a car accident.

It was all we could think about.

How's she doing?

Major head trauma.

We had to place a CVP bolt
to relieve the pressure on her brain.

Now we just cross our fingers and wait.

Everyone deals
with heartache differently.

Some of us did something

What is that, like, four times?

Let's see.


I'm still sad. Again.

Others resorted to childish mischief.

I love mailbox baseball.
Here comes his house.

I've been wanting to do this
for six years!

Nice try, Turkleton,

but Enid kept taking out the mailbox
with the motor-home,

so I had it reinforced with titanium.

Beautiful morning.

And some people just needed
to do something impulsive.

There. Nobody liked my haircut,
so now they can all just suck it.

Yeah, you win.

God, I can't believe
I'm getting my C-section today.

Did you forget to tell anyone?


I told the nanny to stay overnight,

and my mom booked a flight
for next week,

and I'm meeting the O.B.
at the hospital in two hours.

- No...
- Did I not tell you?

You did not.

I could have sworn I texted you.

Well, it's for the best,

'cause if you knew, you just would get
all panicky and annoying.

And this way you only have to freak out
for a couple of hours,

most of which I'll be unconscious.

Kind of like our honeymoon.

Except this time when you wake up,

you're going to have
a baby girl in your arms

instead of the Bolivian limbo champion.

Oh, Marco! What a cheeky monkey!

How come we don't travel any more?

Carla had the difficult job
of talking to Laverne's family.

So there's a chance
she may never wake up?

Well, Lester,
we just don't know that yet.

I wish there was an easier way
to break bad news to people.

So, what's wrong with me, Doc?

Mr Gubard, I think it would be best
if we brought in the Bad News Robot.

Hello, random patient.
You have cancer.

Press "one" for a reassuring pep talk.

Press "two" to give up.

You pressed "one"
for a reassuring pep talk.

You are strong, you can beat this,

beat this, beat this, beat this, beat...

Stupid robot!

I'm so sorry, but your father's
had a massive systems failure.

Oh, Daddy, no!

It started in his hard drive and then
worked its way to all the other circuits.

I know this is a very difficult time
for you and...

Sure, disintegrate the messenger.

Dude, I need to talk to you.

Dr Wen kept referring to her
as "the patient,"

and I was like, "That's not 'the patient,'
that's Laverne," you know?

I know.


You've taught me so much
over the years, Laverne,

like how to place an IV without bruising

or how to get lab results back faster

or the fact that when white people
come in out of the rain,

we smell like wet dog.

We do.

We really do.

I went to your desk
and got you your favourite makeup.

You're such a beautiful woman,

You always deserve to look your best.

Thank you.

Checking in on her?

I just want to make sure
she knows how much I care about her.

As long as you're not saying goodbye.

I mean,
people have come back from worse.

Remember Mr Chuang?

Slipped into a coma in 1984,
woke up last month.

Hey, ladies, where's the beef?

I'm just saying let's keep the faith.


Don't let her put
no more makeup on me.

I look like a street-walker.

Say, Bob, how's Laverne doing?

No change. She's still unresponsive.

Are you on call tonight
or will you be busy fighting Superman?

- You look like Lex Luthor.
- I get it.

- Sylvia!
- Yes!

We've got some super-secret news.

- Hit me!
- Sugar plum?

They're scooping
the baby out of me today.

- You guys...
- Don't say it.

Don't even think it.

He's in my head. I love it.

I'm only telling you this
because we need a favour.

Anything. Just three quick questions.

Did you do that to your head

so your baby will think
everybody looks like that?

Can I be the godfather?
And why is this a secret?

I'm going to answer the first two
with the same sentence.

Stop making dumb jokes.

And it is a secret because Jordan had
pre-natal surgery for hydronephrosis,

and we want to make sure
everything's okay with the kid

before we start spreading the word.

You guys,
your baby is going to be just fine.

Thanks, now all our fears are gone.

Here's what I need you to do.

Oh, my God, Dr Cox
is letting me into his inner circle.

He wants... No, he needs my help.

If you do this right,
next stop, godfather.

Wait, what did he say?

We're ready for you.

Can you manage that?

Ask him to repeat it.

No, no, no,
then he'll know you weren't listening

and he'll never trust you again.

I'm on it, Perry.

What's going on? I mean...

You can't be a ghost, you're not dead.

- Damn right, I'm not dead.
- Then why are you here?

Sugar, you're the one imagining me.
It's up to you to figure that out.

- Dr Cox, nice head.
- Thanks.

This may be a strange question, but...

Have you ever had the memory
of someone follow you around,

kind of like

a ghost?


But, then again, I'm a sane person.



Hi, Dr Cox! I got pregnant in heaven.

Who knew that could happen?

Come on.

I figured Dr Berman,

the hospital audiologist,
could help me.

Hey, Ed.

I read once that audiologists
can read lips. Is that true?

Actually, yes.

It's surprisingly easy to learn
if you just...

I don't need your life story, Ed.

Can you help me reconstruct
what someone said

if I remember
what their lips looked like?

I'll give it a shot.

Okay, let's remember his mouth.

Now, let me get into character.

Hating the world, clenching my jaw,
wishing I could love J.D. a little more.

Well, I think what he said was...

For a minute there
I was in real trouble.

I would have to
kiss being godfather goodbye,

which reminds me of that time
my godfather kissed me goodbye.

He always had crumbs
in his soul patch.

Wait, has he been talking
this whole time?

I'm sorry, could you repeat that?

I said, I think it's,
"Pick up some film for my camera. "

Good work, Ed.

You know,
she once told me I'd have a happy life,

and she said it with a straight face.

You were the one woman I'd never do,

because I respect you too much
and you're kind of a big gal.

But if doing you right now could help,
I would.

I'd like to say something in private.

- I love you.
- Okay. Yeah, it's all right.

I probably should have said this
to you before,

but you always impressed me,

your compassion, your faith.

And you didn't get mad at me
when I insisted

that I should be the lifeguard
at your above-ground pool party,

even after I made it painfully obvious
that I'm not a strong swimmer.

If you see your dog up there,
please tell him I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

I wanted to share a few words

before she passed through
the golden doors of Valhalla.

What now?

I converted to the Norse religion
a few years ago.

It just made sense.

That's it! No more goodbyes, okay?

She's not getting any better,
but she's not getting any worse, either.

No more!

I sure love it
when you get your sass on, girl!

- There. There's my girl.
- How is she? How's the baby?

We got your daughter into the NICU,
and her lungs look great.

Like we discussed, she'll need
another surgery in a couple of months,

but all in all, everything is better
than we could have hoped for.

Listen, Doc, we're not comfortable

letting people see
our emotional moments,

so if you just turn around for a second,
that'd be great.

Okay, we're good.

Nurse Roberts.

You were always one of the good ones.

- What the hell?
- We did it once.

Twenty-some odd years ago,
before Mr Roberts.

- Did I not tell you that?
- No!

He love him some brown sugar.

- That look only works for black guys.
- Then why are you sporting it?

- How'd it go?
- Everyone's doing well.

Though you'd prefer
to give him a full body hug,

just go with a slight nod.

And now the coup de grace.

I got you some film for your camera.

Thanks, I guess.

Did you pick my son up at daycare?

Oh, God, no.

"Pick up my son from daycare. "

Damn it, it fits!

- Taken care of, Per-Per.
- Attaboy!

Luckily, I can walk
and text simultaneously.

It's game time!

All right, Newbie,
it is time to tell the masses.

Do me a favour, try not to tear up.

Sometimes even the best news
can be disrupted by a stupid chart.

Is that Laverne's latest CAT scan?
How's it look?

And when that chart
has the worst news of all,

there's only one thing left to do.

Bye, Laverne.

That can't be good.

Laverne was brain dead,

so when her family
decided to take her off life support,

all we could do
was wait for her body to give up.

I couldn't help but think of
the first time I had dealt with death

and how Laverne had been there
for me.

No way anyone could have caught it.

- Anyhow, you have to pronounce him.
- But why didn't anybody page me?

Could you just pronounce him
so I can go home?

You can finally go home, Laverne.

He did not just say that. Too cheesy!

Hey, Carla,
I can get someone to cover for you

if you want to take some time
to say goodbye.

I've got stuff to do.

Per, I am drugged up on pain killers,

I've ironed my hair, I've got that
brand new picture of the baby.

I am ready for the flood of well-wishers.

Buttercup, this is not our child.

Yeah, ours still looks like a lizard.

I got this off the Internet.

I think it's some baby
that Luke Wilson had with a hooker.


I'm going to go spread the word!

Look at you, squish-nose.

Okay, the fastest way
to spread the news

is to tell the gals in Radiology,

because you know
how Joanne and Rhonda are.

"Oh, there's Dr Dorian, he's so hot. "

"I agree!" "No, you don't, he's mine!"

That's Rhonda, by the way.
Joanne, horse face.

I'm not telling anyone
that my daughter has been born.

But you just told Jordan
that you were going to.

Yes, and that's what we call a lie

or, when you're married,

Come on, Newbie, you and I both know

Laverne's not going to be around
a whole lot longer.

And I know this reasoning's
about as rational

as your parents actually thinking
they could raise you as a boy, but...

I don't want the birth of my child
to be forever associated with her death,

and that's why
I'm not going to tell anybody anything

until after she passes.

Now, I...

I just got to figure out
how to stall Jordan.

I can help.

What, like you helped pick up my son?

He got home, didn't he?

Some say speed metal
can be very soothing.

Since I already know about it, right,

why don't I go in there
and make a big show,

give her some J.D. razzle-dazzle,
some jazz hands.

That way she'll forget all about
how no one's come to congratulate her

on the arrival
of little baby Jennifer Dylan.

- Why that name?
- I just think it's pretty.

And she'd be "J.D." forever.

You know, Laverne,
if this were a horror flick,

I'd be so scared that I was next.

They always kill the black folks off first.

No, I'm not really worried about it,

'cause there's still
Snoop Dogg Resident

and Leonard the security guard and...

You know, when you think about it,
this is a white-ass hospital.

I'm going to miss you,

so you take care, okay?

Turk, Carla's really having
a hard time with all this.

I think she needs help.

Okay, let's go.

But this is going to suck so,
since you're her best friend,

you should do all the talking.

Turk, you should do it.

Oh, no, I'm just her husband.
You guys are way closer.

Could you just do me a favour
and go away?

I'm an extension of your psyche.

All you have to do
is close your eyes and think me away.


I can see you
crouching under the table.


Hey, baby?

Laverne's getting weaker by the minute

and we thought
you might want to come back up.

I don't know.

You know, Carla,

when I was 12 years old,
I had this math teacher, Mr Creighton.

Anyway, he used to give us
these pop quizzes all the time.

Not about math. They were literally
quizzes about soda pop.

So, once, the question was,

"What was Mountain Dew's
original name?"

So, I wrote Mountain Mist,

and then my best friend,
Cindy MacNamara,

cheated off my paper,

but it was the wrong answer,
because it was a trick question.

Mountain Dew
was always called Mountain Dew.

Although, little-known fact,

Mr Pibb, originally called
Senor Brown Water...

The point is,
Cindy got the answer wrong,

she failed the course and
she had to go to a dumb-girl school.

I never even got to sign her yearbook.

Okay! I'm just guessing,

but what I think Elliot's saying is,

you should probably say goodbye
to the people you care about

when you have the chance.


Maybe that's why
you imagined me here,

because you don't want to do that.

I'm just going to shut up.

All right, you want to seal
the godfather deal?

Make Jordan feel like she's
the first woman to ever give birth.

Congratulate hard or go home.

That's French for
"Is there a mama in the house?"

Wow, do you look hot
for a woman who just got gutted.

Can you believe it, Per?

Are you with me? You are! I know I am.

What's that smell?
That's the sweet scent of after-birth.

Jordan, I am so happy to be in your life
and these are for you.

You are in the zone.

Now, bring it home
with an emotional voice crack

to show the depth of your love.

I am so happy for you.


When are the people I actually
give a crap about showing up?


I am officially screwed.

Don't sweat it.
There's one more way I could stall.

And now, shadow puppet theatre.

- I'm a dog!
- Lame.

Come on, I'm just getting started.

Gang, places!

Pearl Harbor, December 7th, 1941.

It started as a peaceful day,

and then...

Aggression from the Japanese!

This is totally unexpected.

Banzai to you, my friend.

Ted! There were no alligators
at Pearl Harbor.

- Oh, man! Battleships are so boring.
- Back to work!

We can also do
the Battle of Gettysburg

or the first act of Miss Saigon.

What the hell am I going to do?

Unfortunately for Dr Cox,

that's when Elliot walked by
and showcased her oddest talent.

Somebody just had a baby.

- How do you know?
- My uterus is glowing.

My mom had a uterus.

I lived in it.

Oh, my God! It was Jordan, wasn't it?

Listen carefully, Barbie,
if you mention this to a soul,

- so help me, I'll...
- Save it!

Not even a killer threat coupled with
that new psychopathic alien head

could keep me from telling the world.

Congratulations! Oh, Perry!

- Yes!
- And there it was.

The birth of Dr Cox's baby

would forever be associated
with Laverne's death.

And the next time
Dr Cox walked into the ICU,

he'd be greeted by a sea of sad faces.

Thank you, Bob.

- Attaboy.
- Janitor.

- Congratulations!
- I knew before everyone.

In your faces! I knew! Tell them, Perry.

It was a long saga...


How's she doing?

- She's hanging on.
- Yeah...

You jerk! Why didn't you tell us?


Because we all love Laverne
very much.

And I know this is going to sound
selfish and crazy,

but I didn't want everyone
thinking about her dying

every time my daughter has
a birthday party.

And by everyone,

I mean the three of you
I would actually invite to such an event.


A baby is a blessing.

Besides, when it's time
for something to happen,

you've just got to let it happen.

And sometimes it takes a little while
to realise that.


Big dog!

And that's when Carla knew
what she had to do.

Go on, girl.

You can do it.

Wow, I'm still not ready to do this.

It's going to be so weird
not having you by my side every day.

Making fun of the doctors,
going on and on about Jesus.

Man, I hope he's real
or you're going to be pissed.

Remember my first day,

when that patient came in
and started bleeding out on me

and I was so shocked
I could barely move?

But you stood by my side
and you guided me through it.

And then you did
the most amazing thing of all.

You made me laugh.

For the last 15 years,
you've been my role model,

but most of all, you've been my friend.

And I don't know
what else to say except

I'm really, really gonna miss you.


Come here, baby.

You can ask any doctor.

Sometimes it seems
like patients just hang on

until everyone's
had a chance to say goodbye.

- Here, boys and girls.
- Thanks.

Truth be told, they're on that guy.

Friends have a way
of helping you move on

even if it's as simple
as changing the subject.

Dr Cox, I cannot wait
to see that little baby of yours.


It must be such a madhouse
with everyone visiting Jordan.


I only told you guys
and you guys are all here.

What's the worst that could happen,

They're probably just
forming a line outside

to make sure they come in one by one.

Screw it. You know what?
You're the godfather.

Yes, yes, yes! In your face!

- Can you name her Jennifer Dylan?
- Sure, what the hell.

And, finally,
there was only one thing left to say.

To Laverne.