Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 13 - My Scrubs - full transcript

Dr. Kelso's friend is admitted in the hospital, but what he doesn't know is that she doesn't have any insurance. He also notices that the staff is stealing scrubs from the hospital. Meanwhile, Carla is being blackmailed by the Janitor.

Hey, grandpa, a little help.

Here you go, sport.

But call me "grandpa" again

and you and I are gonna play a little
game called "hide the wingtip. "

There might be a generational gap
here, I'll explain.

The wingtip is my shoe,

the hiding place is your ass.

Hi, Bob.

That's why I always save you a place.

You keep the riff-raff in check.

My pleasure.

Well, let's see what Enid
packed for lunch today.

A stapler and a golf ball.

She's not well.

Trade ya. My apple for your golf ball.


Maggie, how long has your foot
been like that?

Nurse Turkleton, I want you to take
good care of my friend Maggie here.

Don't worry, we'll take care of you.

Name and insurance, please.

Maggie Kent and none.

All right, let's find her a room.

When a patient
doesn't have insurance,

you have to work around the system.

First you have to find someone
who's recently died.

Cool, Mr Rabinowitz just kicked it.

Oh, don't worry, he put his peep
in an electrical socket.

You can't do that.

Then you have to convince the
morgue guy to sit on the paperwork

so the deceased's bed stays open.


Then you have to get the floor nurses
to play along.

Enjoy your kosher meal,
Mr Rabinowitz.

Then you have to find a surgeon
to do the work pro bono.

Dude, I've had a pro bono,
like, all morning.

Something-might-be-wrong five.

I got this one.

But, most importantly,

you can't let any higher-ups
find out that a patient is uninsured,

even if they're the ones
who brought her here in the first place.

Bob, I want to thank you for doing all
this, even though I don't have any...

Dr Kelso, we need to talk to you.

What is it?

We want to go somewhere with you.

Okay. Where?

A spa.

We'd like to get some massages.

Well, I know just the place.

Great, now I've got a crick in my neck.

We're gonna get a little graphic here,

so you fellas might want to look
the other way, or not, it's your choice.

Turk, why are you looking?

It's my neck crick. I can't move.

Watch this, Turkleton.

She calls it the "Shanghai Surprise. "

Oh, God.


Okay, Maggie, as soon as your labs
come back, we'll prep you for surgery.

You two are my guardian angels.

Hey, good morning, fellas.

- Sir, how are you? Lookin' good.
- What's happening with you?

Why so awkward?

You never saw a colleague
get a happy ending before?

No, not that happy.

But thank you for including us.

Oh, say, Barbie, wait just a second.

I gotta tell you, you look...
Well, darn it all, you look great today.

- Thanks!
- Yeah.

I started using that new facial cream
made from baby foreskins.

- Oh!
- But I don't understand.

You haven't complimented me
in six years.

Why today?

Well, since you're
a private practise doctor

who went home yesterday at 5:00,

leaving me up all night
with your melanoma patient,

I just knew if I complimented you,

sure as shootin' you'd look at me
just a hair too long,

and then this would happen.

Oh, you think you're funny?

I do. I always have,
ever since I was little.

It's one of the reasons
that I'm a winner.

I'm in a hurry.

I promised one of my patients

that I would meet him for his first day
of drug counselling.

See? I wrote it right here.

Oh, Barboo, gimme a break.

Why in God's name do you think

I'd care about anything
that you wrote down?

You wouldn't.



Hey, can you believe
who the new drug counsellor is?

I just want you all to know that
I've been right where you are.

Hell, a couple of years ago

I was in this very hospital,

scamming that nice doctor over there
for painkillers.

Can everyone say hi to Dr Reid?

Hi, Doctor Reid.

Hey, drug addicts!

What's up?

Girl, can you believe what they sell
in these white people magazines?

Look here.

This is a computer chip that you put in
your baby's foot, so you can track it.

Like a baby LoJack.

Yeah, white people do
the craziest things.

Like bumper stickers.

I don't give a damn what you brake for.

I know. White people...

No... No, my step-mom is one-quarter
Inuit, so I'm part Eskimo.

Anyway, small favour.
I need your baby.

I'm getting into
the baby broker business.

Nothing illicit, I'm just hooking up folks

that can't have babies
with folks that don't want babies.

You, leave.

You, give me that baby
LoJack number.

Already tore it out.


Babe, where were you?

We were supposed to meet
for breakfast.

My bad. I was hanging out with J.D.
and Rowdy,

and we decided to pull a prank
that we used to do back in the day.

Here comes Ted!

Go, go, go, pull!

I love you, love you

Ghost dog!

Calm down, people.

We have a back-up generator.

Thank God.

I was just bluffing.

We won't be doing that again.

Ted, look at this budget!

I've got half a notion to make you pay
for every cent of that new transformer.

I'm telling you, sir, a lifeless ghost dog

glided in front of my car
wearing roller skates.

If this is your way of trying to make me

feel guilty about paving over that

Indian burial ground,
it isn't going to work.

We needed the damn parking spaces!

Now, why in the hell are we paying
this much money for scrubs?

Maybe people are stealing them.

Now, why would people
be stealing scrubs?

Hey, Mom.

A guy tried to die on me today,
but I didn't let him.

I didn't let him.

What a friend we have in Jesus

Excuse me, guys, stealing scrubs here.

So, anyway, I've been an addict
since I was 14.

About a year ago, I realised it was time
to wake up and get sober.

So, you finally just hit rock bottom.

No, no, no. I hit a cop.

But anyway,
since I wasn't willing to do the things,

you know, you need to do in jail
to get narcotics,

at least not enthusiastically,
I... I got clean.

I have a game.

Raise your hand if you're full of crap.

Sam, if you don't raise your hand,
you're going to lose the game.

Come on, man.

You don't know how hard it's been
to stay straight.

Been there, brother.

Turk, you know I hate that damn dog!

No, it's not bald, black doctor.

It's haired, half-white, half-Inuit Janitor,
and this is the real Rowdy.

Excuse me?

You recall a couple years ago,
you lost him?


You were panicked that your husband
was gonna find out,

so I sold
my entire stuffed squirrel army

in exchange for Stephen,
an exact replica.

What you don't know is that I retraced
your steps that day and I found Rowdy.

Now, I think if your husband knew that

he'd been loving a fake dead dog
all this time, he'd be very unhappy.

You're a crazy person.

Am I?

Or am I a brilliant mastermind

who's waited two long years until
he needed something from you?

And now that day has come.

Here's what I want.

I want your baby.
We already talked about that.

I want you to tell that
new borderline anorexic nurse

to eat a sandwich and then
to go salsa dancing with me.

Also, I want you to teach me
to salsa dance.

I want a pound of frankincense,
mostly just to see what it is.

And, lastly, I'm in a little bit of a tiff with
the main barista down at Coffee Bucks.

He's not above poisoning me,

so I'm gonna need you to be
my official beverage taster. Yes?

I'm just gonna confess everything
to Turk.

No, easy, boy, we'll get her.

Why can't you just give Sam a break?

Look, the only thing Sam did was to go
from being a lying drug addict,

to being a lying drug addict
who works here.

People change.

I knew this one migrant worker
from our orchard, Ramon.

He used to say, "I hate applesauce.

"It destroys the integrity
of the la manzana. "

Manzana's Spanish for "apple. "

Last time I was home,
I asked how Ramon was doing.

Vice President of Mott's Applesauce.

It's true, Ramon Delgado,
look him up on the Internet.

- I will.
- Don't, I made it up.

The point is, people can change
and you know it.

Nothing ever changes.

The artist formerly known as Prince
is still just Prince.

My ex-wife is still pretty much my wife.

Grey's Anatomy always wraps up every
episode with some cheesy voiceover

that ties together all of
the storylines, which,

incidentally, is my least favourite
device on television.

Newbie continually will try to violate
my "no touching" policy.


And Republicans will forever
try to raise...

Sneak hug!

Of course, I would go kill him right now,

but he actually just helped
to prove my point.

This is gonna help, too.

There are 10 orders of Percocet
missing from the pharmacy.

Well, I think I have a pretty good idea

who I'm gonna give
my complimentary urine test to.

So, how bad is it gonna be?

You're gonna lose the dead tissue,

but, thanks to modern medicine,
you're gonna keep most of your foot.

You wouldn't believe how much worse

it would have been
even a few years ago.

This might hurteth a little.

Look, milady, I know it stinks that

we're removing your foot
and plan to eat it tonight

at the Healing Feast,
but you wouldn't believeth

how much worse this would have been
even a few years ago.

I may have killed you,
but I think I was upset about it.

Listen up, people! Gather round.

Not you, Mr Miller. Staff only.

All right, this is going to be very simple.

Whoever has been stealing scrubs
is going to raise their hand,

pay the hospital back
and be immediately fired.

Let's see 'em.

Okay, you people leave me no choice.

There, now you all have to wear scrubs

so hideous that no one
would steal them.

You brought this on yourselves,
you thieving bastards.

Turk, I need to talk to you
about Rowdy...

Okay, wait. Before you say anything,

sorry I skipped out on breakfast
to goof around with Rowdy,

but you gotta understand,

Rowdy is more than just a dead toy
to J.D. and me.

We got him together in college
and he's always been there.

The key to the salsa is passion.

And spin!

There were no drugs in Sam's bag
and his urinalysis came back clean.

Don't beat yourself up, big guy.

I would have suspected me, too.

Maybe we should post the transcript

for your "nothing ever changes" rant

in the cancer ward for the chemo
patients as a little pick-me-up.

Oh, and FYI, I happen to like
the voiceovers on Grey's Anatomy,

except for when
they're really vague and generic.

And so, in the end,

I knew what Elliot said about
the way things were

had forever changed
the way we all thought about them.

I actually don't mind the new scrubs.

It really makes my outfit pop.

Look, I know that you feel stupid
for falsely accusing Sam,

but it all goes away
if you just apologise to him.

Way ahead of you on that score,

I wanted to surprise the gentleman

with something I thought
he'd really enjoy,

so I went out and got him a brick
of heroin shaped like a heart.

Now, if I could just find him
a funny card.

If you really thought he was
still a drug addict,

you wouldn't let him counsel people.

Of course I would.

Addicts make the very best counsellors

because they know just exactly
what druggies are going through,

mainly because,
and see if you can follow this,

they're currently going through it, too.

I don't care what you think.

I'm always gonna believe in people.

All the best with that, Barbidiot.

You brought these caca-coloured
scrubs on yourselves, folks,

and thanks for playing along
with that hideous suit, Ted.

Playing along with what, sir?

Nothing. Looking sharp.


See? It's fine.

Nobody's trying to poison...

I knew it!

She's gone.

Oh, boy, someone's gonna
have to tell black doctor.

I do not want that job.


I can't do this any more.

I'm out.


Oh, no, no, toots.

You're out when I say you're out!

I saw that, Frank.

Here's the deal.

When nobody's looking,

we grab Stephen
and make him go bye-bye.

Then there will only be one dog left.

So, when Lurch suddenly shows up
with the real Rowdy,

Turk will have to assume that he's
the one who stole him from the car.

Got it?


Let's do this.

Laverne Roberts!

Laverne, I got the keys right here.

Well, tuna fish on a sponge.

She's getting closer.

Hey, Bob.

Hey, Maggie.

I thought we were gonna take care
of that foot.

I don't have insurance.

It's okay, I can get by.

Everyone reacts differently
to unpleasant discoveries.

Some people get angry.

Save my seat.

Others are admittedly
a tad more dramatic.

Oh, my God, he's gone.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

I never got the chance to tell him
I loved him.

I mean, guys,
I know all about bottoming out.

All right? It wasn't long ago
that I was out there,

on my knees,
praying to the gods for help.

- God, please!
- Lord!

- Please, God!
- Please, God!

- Bring him back.
- Why?

Bring back our Rowdy!

That was weird.

Okay, why don't we call it a day, okay?
Okay, guys?

Proud of you, proud of you,
proud of you, proud of you.

Are you... Are you seriously doing
the cliched sarcastic slow clap?

Because that is way too 1980s.

It was a hell of a performance.

The attitude, the indignation.

It was damn near believable,
do you know that?

Honestly, I don't really feel the need
to convince you of anything,

but I will say that if you're waiting
to watch me slip,

I think things are gonna get really
frustrating for you.

Let me tell you something, man.

This guy is amazing, okay?

He's unbelievable.

To even get into his class,

you have to bring any drugs you have
at home so you're not tempted.

Let's see if I've got this right.

You have to give your drugs to him?

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

Oh, that reminds me.

Uh, I found these in my dryer.

Thank you, Lloyd. Thank you.

He's doing very well.

Even I have to admit,
that was pretty darn clever.


I came up with it
when I was shooting up

with my sponsor in the back
of his El Camino.


I'm gonna go ahead
and take this whole moment,

I'm gonna find Dr Barbie
and I'm going to rub it in her face.

Well, howdy, boys!

'Member me?

Ghost dog!

Ghost dog!

You forced my hand.

Gimme that!

How dare you steal our dog?

- Huh?
- Sorry, you lose, bye-bye.

Oh, and you should still have someone
check your coffee before you drink it.

Squid oil.

That's one for you, Frank.

Barbie, I have the most exciting news
to tell you!

What the hell, people?

I just saw Maggie Kent in the park.

Why didn't we treat her?

She has no insurance.

Well, why didn't we do
what we always do?

Why didn't you fix it while I turned
my back and pretend not to notice?

You know the dance.

We used to,

but if you're gonna threaten to fire us
over taking a pair of scrubs,

why wouldn't we think you'd fire us
for treating an uninsured patient?

Yeah, when you took away the scrubs,
you took away the trust,

and without trust, everything falls apart.

And just like that,
we got our old scrubs back.

I'm telling you guys, this could have
been a much bigger moment.

Even though I was the only one
who knew how to embrace life,

we all left thinking about
how important trust is.

Dr Cox let Elliot keep her trust
in humankind a while longer.

I... I just wanted to apologise to you,
Sam, for not believing in you.


Well, why didn't you tell her?

'Cause this hospital will eventually

make her just as cynical
as everybody else in the dump.

She didn't need my help on that one.

By the way, do me a favour.
If you do use later, don't drive.

- I take the bus, dude.
- Yeah.

Carla protected the trust that we have
in her by coming clean.

Anyway, I should have told you guys

I lost him back then, but, hopefully,
this'll help you forgive me.


Look at them standing next
to each other.

Two beautiful dead dogs.

Now, at least, you can both have one.

I'm cool with keeping Stephen.

We've gotten to know each other
quite well.

Well, how are we supposed to know
who's who?

That's Stephen.
Don't ask me how I know that.

As for Dr Kelso, he knew that trusting
us again was probably foolish.

Good night, sir.

Still, it was worth it.

You want half my sandwich?

Thank you, Mrs Suarez.

It's Kent, Bob.

- Maggie...
- Shhh!

Thank you.