Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 9 - My Half-Acre - full transcript

[Drums playing]

What's going on?

Ted and I are putting together
an air band for that contest.

Someone's gotta win those water park
tickets. Might as well be us.

Lloyd, slammin' solo, but I have to ask,
how's things with the drug problem?

Three days sober.

Excellence.

OK. We'll be in touch.

[Cymbal crash]

Well, Mrs. Nickels,
it was an honor being your doctor.

Oh, you're such a nice young man.



I'd love to set you up
with my grandniece.

Oh, thank you.
I'm not big on blind dates.

I know, I haven't hit it in a while,
but there's good reason for that.

Two good reasons:
His face and personality.

Sticks and stones
may break my bones...

[J.D.] But words will hurt forever.

Anyway, for me
to be set up with your niece,

I'd need to know a lot more about her.

She's single.

[J.D.] My blind date
should be here any second.

I gotta thank Mrs. Nickels
for setting this up.

Oh, Mrs. Nickels, you blue-haired bitch.

Wait. She's veering off.

Phew!



OK, Mrs. Nickels. Your new hip is on
the house because this girl is amazing.

And yet there's something
so accessible about her.

I wonder what it is.

- Oh!
- [Crashing]

Ooh, I'm gonna have the carrot cake.

[J.D.] So she was a bit of a klutz.

Did you see that? Please say no.

No.

[J.D.] From that moment on,
it was the greatest date ever.

We had so much in common.

I ride a scooter, I love Harry Potter
so much I sometimes wish I was a wizard

and I've hated sports since I was a kid.

Me too! Do you ever, like,
drift off and have weird fantasies?

Sometimes.

So do you want me to see
if they'll give us some more coffee

or do you want
to just call it a night?

[J.D.] And then she gave
the world's best answer.

Neither.

[Door opens]

[EIliot] J.D., you home?

My roommate. Back in one second.

So I guess your date sucked, huh?

[Laughs]

Why don't you ask her
if our date sucked? She's in my room.

Twenty bucks says you blow it
in five minutes.

Unlikely,
'cause what's waiting for me in my room

is what's known
in football terms as a slam dunk.

One Mississippi. Two Mississippi...

It's late. I gotta get going.
I have a dog and a fish.

I have to feed them and walk them
and stuff. I'm Julie. Hi.

I was Elliot.

Twenty bucks, please.

OK, double or nothing. I'll bet you I
can jump from this couch to the counter.

Check it. Eagle!

Ugh! Ah! Oh!

Pay me in the morning.

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know
I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

Why would Julie just take off like that?
I'll bet you my body intimidated her.

That's it. I am selling
that Bowflex on Craigslist.

I'm sure you said something that sucked
all the romance out of the moment.

You used to do that all the time
when we were dating.

Like when?

Are you getting thicker?
You feel a little thicker.

What?

Fine, I may have told her
that she smells like my mom.

Which, by the way,
I maintain is a compliment.

[EIliot sighs]

- What are you talking about?
- Well, J.D. Has this...

Already bored.

Oh! Look! Will you say goodbye to Jack?
I have to drop him off at preschool.

Oh...

Bye, little man.

Uh, Perry, this is your son,
not a rescued pit bull. Give him a kiss.

Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy

and I'm just not
real big on kissing guys.

When my father showed me affection,

he would miss
when he threw bottles at my head.

You are gonna be a much better dad
than your dad was.

Now give him a proper goodbye.

Son, always a pleasure.

- No more kissing!
- Wh...?

You're crazy!

That's right. He is.

I don't understand.
Why wouldn't you kiss him?

[Singsong] Stay out of it, Carla.

- Stay out of what?
- Dr. Cox won't kiss his son.

What is wrong with you?

Ladies, hate to disappoint,
but my quota for women

who bug the bejesus out of me
has been met for the next billion years.

Now, Mrs. Wilk, you have developed
an allergy to melphalan.

I've come up with a new regimen that
will enable us to continue treatment.

OK.

Oh, I think he described
all the extra effort he put in

so you would tell him
what an amazing doctor he is.

Now you've told me,
it won't sound sincere.

He won't care.

Dr. Cox, you're amazing.

It's just my job.

[# Loverboy: Workin' For The Weekend]

[Music stops]

Well, uh, thanks for coming
to the audition in costume.

What costume?

[Turk laughing]

Somethin' funny?

Dude, I just came up with the perfect
name for your band: Mercy Flush.

Do you think this is easy?

[# Bell Biv DeVoe: Poison]

[Lip-syncing]

I don't know what it is,
but he's got it.

- He's going to be trouble.
- I know.

But he's so damn talented.

[J.D.] I convinced Julie to meet me

by explaining that my comment
was a simple miscommunication.

I wasn't saying you smelled like my mom.
I was saying you smelled like Mu-Mum.

It's an exotic flower that's indigenous
to the hills of Costa Rica.

God, I feel so stupid.

Hugsies.

[J.D.] Oh, Mommy.

- See you later.
- Yes.

- OK.
- [Keys jingle]

Oh, gosh. [laughs]

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, gosh! Oh, here.

[Both yelling]

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
I am so, so sorry.

- Oh, no, it happens.
- It does. It happens.

Bye.

Isn't she great?

So you got the second date. Just don't
repeat the mistakes you made with me.

Don't speed down the road
and pretend your brakes are out.

I don't care if it got you laid
once in high school.

It is not funny and I still have not
forgiven you for killing that pony.

But most importantly,

if you ever find yourself
in a romantic situation again,

ignore whatever pops into your head.

Just look into her eyes
and say these exact words:

"I'm so glad I found you."

Telling me what to say. Next you'll
tell me how to kiss. Where does it end?

You are such a good kisser, J.D.

Hmm. Right back at you.

And I love that you're calling me J.D.

Stay away from my girlfriend, Elliot.

And stay away from my J.D. Wigs!

Dr. Cox, could you help me
with a central line?

Fine, Lonnie, but hand to God,

if you so much as look
at me for the next month,

I will mummify your head
in surgical tape.

Thank you, Dr. Cox.

Is he gone? No. Hello?

Mrs. London, this is Dr. Cox.
He's going to be your doctor.

Good news. Your intestinal bleeding
can be fixed with a very simple surgery.

Surgery? I'm a Jehovah's Witness.

I can't get a transfusion.

We believe that blood should
not be passed from person to person.

I'm a doctor.
And we believe that without surgery,

a patient in your condition can suffer
from a major case of deadness.

Don't worry, he'll figure out
another way to treat you.

[Laughing] No, he won't.

I'm having so much fun
hanging out with you.

Can you believe we've
been talking two hours?

- Seriously?
- Nah, while you were in the bathroom,

I set the clock two hours ahead
so you'd think time was flying by.

Really? While I was in the bathroom,
I wrote my name in the mirror

with my finger so next time
you took a shower and it fogged,

you'd think ghosts
were telling you to be with me.

[J.D.] Looking at her, I knew what
the future held for Julie and me.

[# Five for Fighting: 100 Years]

Smile.

Oh, God, this mask is hot.

Thanks for doing that.

I wanted a picture of us old,
you know?

That way if one of us dies
in a tragic skiing accident,

we'll always have
that memory of us together.

That's so sweet.

So, what do you want to do now?

[J.D.] OK, romance is in the air.
You gotta say something.

Tell her about the hit-and-run.
No, she loves ponies.

Ask if she's been tested. Why are
these thoughts popping into my head?

My God, look at the size of her feet.
Tell her. Stop it!

OK, the silence has gone on too long.

Say that thing Elliot told you,
even though it's stupid.

I'm really glad I found you.

[Hard rock song ends]

Yes! That was very tight.

Well, it seems I've stumbled
into the "time well spent" ward.

Back in your cage, Ted.

- [Growls]
- [Instrument crashing]

Oh, God. What have I done?

Turkelton, I need you to volunteer
to speak at a critical care conference.

Yeah, I don't see that happening, Bobby.

Excuse me?

It's not like
you're the king around here.

[J.D. Sighs]

'Morning, Elliot.

By the way, Julie's here.
I'm not gonna kiss and tell.

Oh, really? 'Cause I just got
your text that said "bone city."

Oh, really? That came through?

[J.D.] When you care about something,

the last thing you want
is it to be taken away.

Whether it's a newfound hobby...

Why'd you want to see me?

Quick announcement, people.

From this moment on, there will be
no air-banding allowed in the hospital.

The king has spoken.

[Imitating Elvis] Thank you very much.

[J.D.]... or the image of someone
you looked up to.

So, come on, tell me.

What are you going to do
with our Jehovah's Witness?

I'm not gonna do anything.

[Carla] So, what's going to happen?

I would say she's probably going to die.

[J.D.] As for me,
all I lost was my pride.

Hey, Elliot. Oh, J.D.?
I'm glad I found you too.

Well, that sounds familiar.

- [Julie shouting]
- [Crashing]

I think there's a tchotchke in my bum.

[Gasping]

[J.D.] So I had
to use Elliot's advice with Julie.

Luckily, she's not great at gloating.

Ha-ha, you had sex with
a beautiful girl you really like.

Sometimes she needs a little help.

You probably meant to say if it weren't
for you, I'd still be dating my laptop.

Right! In your face! [laughs]

[Whispers] Thank you.

I like Julie,
so don't do that thing you always do.

If you're referring
to the game Find the Saltine, relax.

I don't even play that with Turk.

No, I am talking about
how you go a million miles an hour

the minute you fall for someone.
Don't go quickly or like I said,

you'll end up with a beautiful girl.

- Dating my laptop.
- Dating your laptop. Thank you.

I knew he'd be trouble.

Hey, come on now.
We're still a band, huh?

Let's bring it in. Cool cats on three.

- One, two, three:
- [All] Cool cats!

Let's roll.

When Mrs. Wilk was allergic to
melphalan, you found a way around it.

Why aren't you doing the same?

Because Mrs. Wilk didn't choose
to have her allergy, so...

Wait, there's a young man behind you
with a quick medical question.

[Jordan] Will you kiss me?

Leaving.

You know, you're eventually
gonna have to kiss your boy.

And you will have
to treat that Jehovah's Witness.

God, elevator.

He's got my back, even if
I don't technically believe in him.

Behind your ear.

My friend, you have found the Saltine.

Don't tell Elliot
we're still playing.

[J.D.] Why do I care what Elliot thinks?
She's not right about everything.

I'm not gonna go too fast with Julie.

[# Fountains of Wayne: Hey Julie]

[J.D.] Ooh, land for sale.

Dr. Kelso, I'll go to that conference.

Turkelton,
I have many more pressing issues,

starting with a gigantic paralyzed wife,

ending with a gay son who's
written a scathing musical about me

called Dr. Dad, which, despite mixed
reviews, has been held over in Buffalo.

Why don't you just do
whatever the hell you want to do.

It was never
about you saying no to the conference.

It's the way you said it.

You see that man there?
His biggest pet peeve,

except for storing deer meat
in his mini-fridge,

is people being disrespectful to him.

Do you play?

- Lonnie, what are you doing?
- Since Dr. Cox won't treat Mrs. London,

we have to transfer her
to another facility.

All right, listen up and listen good.
I will kill anyone who tells Carla.

That includes you, Mrs. London.
I will save your life.

Then I will take it away.
Let's get to work.

Lonnie... are you looking at me again?

No.

Are we crazy to be thinking
about buying this?

No, it's a sound investment.
And a great addition to my portfolio.

[J.D.] Which consists of shares
of Eastern Airlines stock

and an unopened pack
of Les Mis trading cards.

J.D., this is a mistake.

You're not Broker of the Year
Whit Prowdy.

Don't do this. You're going too fast.

- Why should I believe you?
- Because honesty is my business.

I hate you, Whit Prowdy.

Sir, can I talk to you for a second?

Just you? Or all the Turkeltones?

We don't just rock together.
We roll together.

[All] Cool cats.

Sir, I want to apologize
for how I spoke to you.

It was extremely disrespectful,

and I can promise you
it will never happen again.

You bet your ass it won't.

OK. So what's the deal, cranky pants?

I am just sick and tired of having
to live up to everyone's expectations.

Lonnie needs a central line,
you want me to help Mrs. London

and every patient in this dump

looks at me for some miracle cure.

I mean, honestly, Carla,
with Jehovah as my witness,

sometimes it is just too much.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not buying it.

You've been putting up with that
around here for 20 years.

It's not just here. It's home.

Jordan expects me
to be this amazing, sensitive father.

So that's what this is about?

You shouldn't sweat this
"sensitive dad" stuff. You'll get there.

You don't know anything.

Oh, really? How is it going
with your Jehovah's Witness patient?

Better.

How'd you know I'd move
too fast with Julie?

How do you know
that I can be that kind of dad?

How'd you know Kelso
just wanted respect?

- Because I know you.
- Because I know you.

'Cause I know him.

This is so cool.

What's happening?
Dr. Cox didn't make eye holes!

[J.D.] It's important we listen
to people who know us best,

because if you do,
you might get to rock.

[# Boston: More Than a Feelin']

[J.D.] You might get the confidence
to be the father you want to be.

Gimme this little boy.

- [Mumbling]
- [Laughing]

I love ya. I love you so much,
I'm going to make a sandwich out of you.

- Where you going?
- "Dad's gonna devour me. See you."

[J.D.] Sometimes, it's fun to not listen
and do whatever you want.

So we bought it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going
to go kiss my lady on my new half-acre.

[More Than a Feelin' continues]

She is not graceful.