Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 10 - Her Story II - full transcript

[J.D.] Behold Julie Quinn.

[Sings] Ahhh!

We fell for each other so swiftly, we
decided to buy some property together.

And build a deck on it.

To our half acre.

Hey, look, the Clarks are home.

[J.D.] Unfortunately, the Clarks felt
if we weren't building a house,

we weren't technically their neighbors.

- Hey, Clarks!
- Go to hell!

OK. Hey, Buzz! I'm gonna
beat you in poker next time.

[J.D.] The Morgans, on the other side,
were friendlier,



but I don't think we're
gonna have them over again.

- Hi.
- Y'all are a cute couple.

- Thanks.
- You want to buy a baby?

- Oh, sweetie?
- No.

- I'm sorry. No, thank you.
- I'll throw in a crib.

Throwing in a crib.

It didn't matter, because I was happy
to look out at my beautiful half acre

with my sweet but klutzy gal.

You OK, buttercup?

[Julie] The glass broke in my mouth.

[J.D.] Turk and I had discovered a new
way to deal with Kelso's bad moods.

Damn it, people. If you can't fill out
your patients' insurance forms, then...

Spoonful of peanut butter?

[J.D.] It usually bought us
a few minutes of peace,



but then Carla said something that
disturbs every man on God's Earth.

I just got my period.

[All] Oh!

This sucks. I've been trying
to get pregnant for two months.

- I almost bought a baby yesterday.
- What?

[J.D.] Don't tell,
in case you want it later.

Nothing.

Don't worry about it.
We'll keep trying.

Remember I read how important it is
for the man to have a high-protein diet?

Last time, you are not
eating ribs while we do it.

You don't let me have no fun!

I'm not gonna have a kid until
that genetic technology is available.

You want to pick
the sex and eye color?

No. Gills.
When that day comes,

goodbye hospital, hello
father-son treasure hunting team.

Wow. Well, you better get cracking.
What are you, like, 45?

Forty-three.
I know I look little older,

but that's 'cause I drink and smoke,
work with chemicals, sleep on my face.

- No hard feelings? OK.
- All right.

I swear on my unborn fish-boy's life,
she will pay.

I need some milk.

- Yo, Glassman.
- What's "Glassman"?

It's a basketball thing.
I'm a great rebounder.

You know who else is
a great rebounder? Dr. Mickhead.

[J.D.] His wife
was killed last Saturday.

Hey, guys.

[Both] Hey, Mickhead!

- Have the police cleared him yet?
- He's still a person of interest.

[J.D.] There was
sexual energy everywhere.

For the women, it was due to the
dashing new gynecologist, Dr. Matthews.

Jordan, why would you need
seven Pap smears in one month?

I got a lot of Pap.
Move your head so I can see.

[J.D.] And for the men,
there was a new, sexy Latina nurse:

- Nurse Martinez.
- [Salsa music plays]

Will you guys stop doing that?

[J.D.] Yep. There was eye candy for all,

and only one thing could upset
this delicate balance.

Wow. She looks like a young Carla.

[Electric sizzling]

[Screeching]

[Screaming]

That's why they call him the Glassman.

[Squeaking]

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know
I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

[J.D.] Julie and I had overslept,

so we didn't have time for our usual
seven solid minutes of lovemaking.

We had to fake it.

Oh, yeah! Don't stop!

Pull my hair! [squeals]

Shut up and take it, you stupid bitch!

OK, well, we can stop there.
Um, now it's time to ring the sex gong.

- What?
- Turk and I got sex gongs in Chinatown.

We're supposed to ring
when one of us gets lucky.

Even though
I don't live with him,

I like to think that somewhere
he hears it and it makes him happy.

That's so funny.

Yeah, buddy! [laughs] That's my dawg!

I hope my gong wasn't too loud for you.
I know it can be.

It's a loud gong.
I mean, it's like, "Gong."

J.D., I knew you were faking
'cause you didn't say, "Bombs away."

How could I forget my sexiest move?

[J.D.] Great. Julie thinks
I'm weird and lame and pathe...

J.D., she likes you. Do yourself a favor
and stay out of your head for once.

[J.D.] OK, from this moment on,
I am officially out of my head.

[Carla] Ugh. I'm an old hag. I mean look
at her. Everything's so tight and perky.

Come on, Carla, it's not her fault.
Just do what you always do.

Turn the other cheek and quietly spread
the rumor that she's a guy.

Hey, Turk. Guess what...?

She's not a guy, honey. And besides,
"Young Carla" is a compliment.

Really? So how would you feel if I said,
"Hey, it's Skinny Turk"?

[Carla] And now his boyfriend
will comfort him.

Don't listen to her, Brown Bear.
Your body's fierce.

- Is it?
- Like Taye Diggs.

Taye Diggs.

[Carla] Luckily,
I had a best friend too.

So, what did "her" name used to be?

- How about Alberto?
- I'll spread the word.

Alberto.

When am I gonna get to meet Julie?

Do I want her to meet Turk this soon?
What if he doesn't like her?

What are you doing?

I'm saying all my thoughts out loud
so I don't mess this relationship up.

I don't understand.

I forgot, sometimes Turk is slow.

You know what? It's time for her
to meet the people in my life.

I think she's gonna do great.

J.D.'s parents thought
he was gonna be a girl.

They didn't have a name when he
was born. So until he was three,

they called him Joanna.

I don't know who you are,

but thank you for this.

So, what do you think?

Sure. I guess I can hide this
in my basement for you.

OK. Great. Great.

You know what?
Let's just give that back. Thanks.

Nice to see you, Mickhead.

Look, Julie,
I'm very protective of J.D.,

so it's gonna take a lot to win me over.

J.D. Wanted me
to introduce you to my godfather.

Julie's a great girl.

[Screams, laughs]

Lando Calrissian!

Come here. Come here.

You can call me Billy Dee.

Yes, Lando. Yes.

[Hip-hop plays]

Julie, you already won Carla
and me over because you're nice to J.D.

You won Jordan over,
you bought the first round.

I got lemon drops!

Oh, the last time I had one,
I agreed to go on a date with a chick

in my art history class. Mm-mm.

Yeah, can we
go somewhere less college-y?

One of the boys here could
be the baby I gave up in high school.

We aren't too old to hang out here.
Come on.

Mmm...

[Carla] Time to dial up the Spanish.
That always makes them feel guilty

they haven't spent
time around minorities.

Come on, mis amigas, we don't have
to v?monos. Pretty please?

- Whatever.
- Let's do it.

To being young.

You guys, for real,
you're my best friends.

So Carol... do you like jazz?

[Laughing] Yeah? How much?

Hey, look at what we have here.

A representation of how alcohol
affects different ages.

- We have the young...
- Morning!

...the slightly older...
- Stop talking.

...the slightly older still...
- [mumbling]

...and last, the very, very, very old.

She is unconscious
and virtually unwakeable. Witness.

Jor-da-roo! Jor-da-licious!
Jor-da-roni! Ha-ha!

We'll get you ladies some more coffee.

Jordan, if you're willing to pay for it,
just sit there frozen.

How very generous.

That's so funny.

Yeah.

- Julie's awesome.
- Doesn't it bother you

- she never laughs?
- What do you mean?

When something's funny,
she never laughs.

She just says, "That's so funny."
It's kind of annoying.

[Turk] J.D., this is an intervention.

First off, I just want to say,
everyone here loves you.

This is a safe space.
But you're such a commit-a-phobe!

Every time you date a girl
with potential,

you wind up ruining it
over some trivial reason.

Think about the great girls
you let slip through your fingers.

Kylie, Jaime, Gift Shop Girl,

Minnie McSkinny, Mole Butt,
Tina Two-kids, Rumplefugly...

I'm forgetting someone.

[Carla] Oh, my God, Turk.
If you forget Elliot she's gonna cry.

Turk, aren't you forgetting
the greatest girl of them all?

Heidi Horse-Face.

Me, Turk! She's talking about me, OK?

Relax, Elliot. You're Mole Butt.

Really?

Sorry, Turk.

J.D., there's somebody else here
who wants to say something.

Don't mess this up, man. Be smooth.

- Lando's right.
- Billy Dee!

[Mouthing] Lando.

Joanna, now I'm not much

for this sensitive crap.

But darn it all, you've found someone

who's willing to
let you annoy them instead of me.

Don't screw up, or you're
gonna end up where you always do,

lying on that couch wishing you
hadn't driven another one away.

If Jordan were conscious,
she'd... she'd agree.

Now who put that fake arrow
through her head?

Huh? Which one of ya?

It was me. I did it.

I gotta get cooking. People are
going to be here for this barbecue.

- Your friends really liked me?
- They're crazy about you.

They're worried I'm gonna mess up.

Nah. You're not gonna be a jerk
and do something like that, are you?

The only jerk around here is the spicy
marinade on this Jamaican chicken, mon.

That's so funny.

It is, Julie. It is.
Why do you always do that?

Do what?

You never laugh when something's funny.
You say, "That's so funny."

Does that bother you?

Don't mean to bother anybody.
I'm showing Nurse Martinez around.

That's our chief of medicine, that's
a patient and that is you in 20 years.

OK. Let's go look at dead people.

That nurse makes me feel so damn old.

Oh, calm down, Nurse Espinosa.

I have it on good authority
that she's a dude.

I made that stuff up.

Then it's time for her to meet
Bob Kelso, licensed hetero.

Sweetie, you're not old.
You don't have crow's feet.

Your bra size hasn't gone
from a 34B to a 40 long.

And you don't have arthritis.

Neither do I, but that's how it gets ya.

[Carla] Then Mrs. Wilk said
something that really surprised me.

It's not like you're trying
to get pregnant and you can't.

Actually, I am.

Oh.

[Carla] None of us were the least bit
surprised that J.D. Made this happen.

Why is Julie behind that bush crying?

Who knows? Could be anything.

You know what's interesting?
She's not saying, "That's so sad."

She's actually crying.

- You're an idiot.
- Yes, I am.

[Carla] I tried, but I just couldn't
get babies off my mind.

Excuse me, fellas. Gotta take a whiz.

Wait a minute. Why am I rushing?

All right.

You're disgusting.

She's right. I am disgusting.

I'm disgustingly incapable
of carrying on a relationship

with someone I actually like.

I apologized to her,
so I think we're cool for now,

but it won't last. Every time
she says, "That's so funny,"

it's like nails on a chalkboard to me.

- You're too picky with women.
- You used to be the same way.

You got over it and you're married.

'Cause I was never as bad as you.

Oh, really?
Remember "Whitney the Snapper?"

[Sighs]

Hey. I just wanted
to say thanks for dinner tonight.

And for dessert you're gonna
get a little Whitney...

...? la mode.

Get out.

Too much.

You've been off the pill two months.
Why are you getting a fertility test?

[Carla] Because I'm old
and the crock pot is on the fritz.

- No reason.
- Carla Espinosa?

- Yes.
- Dr. Matthews will see you now.

- Great.
- Oh.

OK, he is super cute.

So do not look into his eyes.
You could get lost.

I'll be fine.

Ask him if he remembers me
from my pelvic exam!

[EIliot] Ask him!

I made popcorn. Ah!

You OK, sweetness?

- I'll go make some more.
- All right.

- Why are we watching a movie?
- It's called immersion therapy.

What we're about to watch
will make her say

"that's so funny" so many times that
eventually it's not gonna bother you.

How can you guarantee
she's gonna laugh?

I can't. But Uncle Buck can.

That's so funny.

That's so funny. Look how big
that pancake is! That's so funny.

[Whispering] Make her stop!

That's so funny!

[Groaning]

[Carla] This guy's not that hot.

You've only been trying
for two months,

so I don't think you need
a fertility test yet.

Unless, of course, you're over 35.

[Carla] Well, buddy,
I'm 36 and OK with it.

So how old are you?

[Carla] Ravish me.

I'm 29.

I've been seeing a lot of 29-year-olds.

- Oh, my God, really?
- Yeah. Like her.

Call me J.J.

- Immersion therapy didn't work.
- Dude, relax.

I was a psych minor in college. The
next time she says, "That's so funny,"

I want you to pretend she's says,
"That's so money."

Ooh, I like that.

Yeah. It's called
word replacement... ism.

This is the dumbest conversation.

You should hear this one.

I remember my first exam
with Dr. Matthews.

He said, "You're healthy down there."
And then I said, "Right back at you."

And then there was this weird
little awkward pause, so I said,

"I like to keep a clean shop." And then
he asked to see my insurance card.

So, how did your fertility test go?

Everything is A-OK.

[Both] Oh, that's bull!

- Excuse me, sir?
- I was talking to these ladies.

I was talking to you ladies.
Newbie, listen to me.

You never stop being annoyed
by the little things.

Take Gandhi here. Your wife
is the bossiest woman I've ever met.

Are you trying to tell me that
you're not bothered by that?

Sometimes I watch Roots
to remind myself how good I have it.

Me too.

Everyone is annoying.
I mean, take Jordan.

She is just now returning
from what I can only assume

is her eleventh
gynecological visit this month.

I'm saving my breast exam
for when you go away next month.

Upsetting, but we persevere.
Bottom line:

There is no such thing
as a perfect person. You. Tell her.

All right. If you found someone who
makes you happy by just sitting around

and holding hands, then eventually
all that other stuff won't matter.

Mmm.

- Dude, not me.
- I know.

Nurse Espinosa, I know
you didn't take that fertility test.

People think I am
some clueless old geezer,

but nothing that happens
in these hallways gets by me.

It wasn't me. I didn't do it!

If I take that fertility test

and I find out that I missed my window
to have a kid I'll never forgive myself.

If you're worried about your legacy,

as the father of a son who not only
wrote a musical based on my life

but is shacked up
with the actor playing me, honestly,

it's not all it's cracked up to be.
But I know you.

You'll find out eventually, so why
don't you just turn around and tell him?

Oh.

Dr. Matthews.

- I'm 36.
- Oh.

Well, let's get you that fertility test.
Follow me.

OK.

[Carla] Here goes nothing.

[J.D. Laughing] One-A-Day Vitamins?

I tell you how they could double
their profits. Two-a-Day Vitamins.

That's so funny.

I'm sorry I said, "That's so funny."
I know that drives you crazy.

You know what?

I really couldn't care less.

So, what do we do now?

I don't know.
We've already got the half acre, right?

I imagine we'll eventually be able
to build a house on it. Backyard.

Room for a Slip 'N Slide for our kids,
Gilligan and the Skipper.

I know. I'm sorry. I gotta do it.
I lost a bet to Turk.

And I don't want to rush things,
but I feel good about this.

I don't know. I feel like...
you and I could go the distance.

Um, actually, I meant what do you want
to order from take-out for dinner.

Oh.

- Tapas.
- I love tapas.

- Sharing.
- Sharing is fun.

- I love it. Just share.
- Share.

So you really don't think
about that kind of stuff?

J.D., I'm only 23. I don't even know
if I want any of that stuff.

And certainly not
for the next five or ten years.

You know what?

We just started dating, so this
conversation goes down a bad road.

Why don't we say we're never
gonna talk about it.

- OK.
- OK.

- [Laughing] OK. Phew.
- OK.

[# Cary Brothers: Ride]

So you really feel that way?

And here I am again.

I can't believe I broke up with her.
Why do I keep doing this?

J.D., this was totally different.

You didn't break up
because she said, "That's so funny"

or she sang Christmas carols
in the summer.

It was August.
The weather was far from frightful.

You broke up with her for a real reason.
Right, Carla?

Definitely.

[Carla] Oh, my God,
what did I just agree to?

All I can think about
is getting my test results.

I have to get out of my head.
Just say something positive.

She's a keeper, J.D.
You'll never do better.

[J.D.] I guess it's human nature
to worry about the future.

Especially when we think
our dreams might not come true.

Thanks. Thanks, Dr. Matthews.
That's great news.

Turk!

- Yeah, baby.
- Get over here.

[Laughing] Yeah!

[Gong crashes]

Yeah, buddy!

[J.D.] As for my future,

I had finally gotten to the place where
I was looking for the right person.

And I knew she was out there.

Even if I couldn't quite see her yet.