Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 11 - My Buddy's Booty - full transcript

but I'm having trouble moving past
my breakup with Julie.

Luckily, my roommate
knows how to take care of me.

Nice.

Now it's a picture of me and you
on a unicorn.

J.D., that's Gary Busey.

It's uncanny.

[J.D.] Now that we live together, Elliot
and I were getting tighter every day.

[Screaming] Oh, my God!
That's cold! J.D.!

[J.D.] She wasn't great
at practical jokes.

[Squeaking]

Ah! Ah! Oh!



[J.D.] But still,
we'd become inseparable.

[# The Southland: Shadow]

Whoa! OK! Yeah.

There you are, little fellas.

Thanks for the ride, buddy.
See you upstairs.

Ooh!

Todd! Gun show!

Don't worry. I've got permits.

Go ahead and touch 'em.
The safety's on. Oof!

I keep passing out, but you haven't
seen it 'cause it happens when I yawn.

No problem. Newbie. Quick.
Tell him a story.

Lay off. I'm still upset
with this Julie thing. I'm...

[splatting]

You know, in high school once
there was a...



Hope that hurt.

Totally worth it. I need one of you
two clowns to do a work up on this guy.

It's going to be a giant
pain in the ass.

Hmm.

Newbie, looks like it's you.
All the best.

Damn those rollerblades.

OK, everybody, let's gather around.

[J.D.] After six months,

some interns can become
completely overwhelmed.

- Where's Rex?
- He's gone fetal again.

- Put a blankie on him.
- I've got it.

Unfortunately, young Keith
had become competent so quickly

that every word
out of his chiseled mouth

came tainted with an arrogant
smugness that he couldn't hide

no matter how hard he tried.

Is there anything else I can do?

[J.D.] Right on cue.

No, Keith.

All I need right now is a sip of your
coffee to make me feel warm in my belly.

Oh! Keith! Look what you did!

Here! Dr. Dorian, take my shirt.

You think you're better than me?

With your rock-hard abs
and your dynamite areoles.

Well, you're not.

- [Gasping]
- Dr. D, what's on your back?

Those, Jason, are the panicked
scratches of the adolescent raccoon

who, until animal control
can get into my home,

is currently residing in my sock drawer.

[J.D.] To clear my head,
I decided to give scooter-blading a try.

I got this! Gun it, grandma!

- OK.
- [Revving]

Ooh! Oh! Oh!

[Yawning]

Hmm?

Whoo! Whoa!

Mm-hm.

[Tires screeching]

[Shouting]

Whoo! That was close!

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know
I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

You OK, Dr. Dorian?

Keith, it's like you're
begging me to hate you.

- I don't feel like I am.
- You can't stop!

[Whistles] Newbie, today.

[J.D.] We were edgy because
our favorite patient, Mrs. Wilk,

had developed a lung infection
and needed to be intubated.

Basically, we had to put her
in a coma.

At her age, there's always a good chance
she'll never wake up.

A whole week of sleep.
You'll have some killer bed head.

I'm nervous. Sorry.
I love bed head.

Marge, the patient should not
have to be braver than you.

Go easy on him. He's my fella.

Now listen, if this doesn't work,
I want you to just let me go.

Don't let me linger.

[J.D.] You'd think we'd be used
to this kind of stuff by now,

when a patient's been around
for a while, it gets to everyone.

No matter how long you've been here.

Turkelton, you're a surgeon.
When did you ever deal with Mrs. Wilk?

[Electro music playing]

You're not extending your arm.
It's called pop and lock, Christopher.

- Not pop and dangle.
- OK.

OK?

[Music plays]

Oh. OK.

- You're getting it now, baby.
- OK.

- I'll see you later.
- Go Michael!

She changed my life.

All right. Here we go.
See you in a couple days.

Let's hope so.

[J.D.] Everyone has their own way
of getting stuff off their mind.

Some people like to work it off.

Others try to drink it away.

For me, I had heard that
the piercing girl at the mall was easy.

Thanks for penciling me in.

Maybe later you could show me
where else you're pierced.

- Why wait till later?
- All right.

- [J.D. Screaming]
- [Banging]

I feel so close to you right now.

- [Zipper unzipping]
- [Screaming]

Oh!

Why do I forget
that I'm lactose intolerant?

What are you doing here?

We were so bummed about Mrs. Wilk
we inhaled six gallons of ice cream.

Would you tell Dr. Kelso
to make this gym more female friendly?

- There's no equipment for women here.
- Yeah.

Know where there's all kinds
of equipment for women? Toddland.

Damn it, Todd. What did I tell you
about talking like that around my wife?

- Wait until she leaves and then say it?
- Exactly.

You're welcome.

- Saving this seat for your ex-wife?
- No. She... she's over there.

Do you know that guy pointing at us?

No. You should fight him.

One rule. No yapping.

The only thing I want to hear is my
liver drunkenly singing rugby songs.

Calm down. I'm not even here.

Seriously, my shift at the hospital
doesn't end for three hours.

- I hate that place and everyone in it.
- I'll drink to hate.

Cheers.

[Laughing] You're right.
But, you know...

You know what else I hate about Kelso?

His hair smells like a pet store.

Actually, that's my fault.

I filled his hairspray can
with dog sweat.

- Dogs don't sweat.
- No?

- What the hell am I putting in there?
- We're giving Bobby a ride home.

Say good night to your girlfriend.
He'll be here tomorrow.

I will. Not that it matters.

Not that I care.

[Country music plays]

- [Jordan] Perry!
- [Record scratches]

Dorm closes at midnight. Uh!

- I gotta go.
- Yep.

I tell you, I am done
trying to pick up the random ladies.

Every time I do, I end up with face
holes and an emerald stud on my peep.

[J.D.] Which I'm keeping.

You're surrounded by interns who'd
do anything to get with the attending.

- Make a booty call.
- He's right.

People have been making booty calls
since the dawn of time.

Kronk, why you go now?

Oh! Hey. You're up.

Um...

Look. I don't know
what you're looking for,

but I just got out of a really tough
relationship with this girl, Debbie.

Also, my sister was carried off
by a giant bird

so we've all been in mourning
about that.

And, um, my brother ate my foot.

But you are just fantastic.

The things you were doing last night,
they were, well, crazy.

OK? So when I clear my own stuff up,
I'd love to get back together with you.

Hungry.

OK, I should really go.

You know what? I'll do it.
If my partner-in-crime here'll join me.

J.D., booty calls are pathetic.

More than e-mailing your high school
boyfriend to see about his marriage?

Black hand side.

Carla, Mike Gorski wrote "keep in touch"
in my yearbook and that's all I'm doing.

He did say that his wife Carol is
his soul mate and yes, they have twins,

but he also said that he
wished she knew how to ski,

so let's just see if they're together
come winter.

Yes, J.D., I will do this with you.

Oh, Dr. Kelso.

Where... Where's your wife going?

He's gonna ask Dr. Kelso if we can get
some equipment for women in the gym.

- Oh. That is so nice.
- My baby's learning.

[Turk] Oh!

Are you crazy?

Why would you want your wife
in the gym?

Because unlike you,
I don't hate my wife.

Yet. You don't hate your wife yet.

But think about it, huh?

You go to work, she's there.
You go out, she's there.

And when you go home, where is she?

- There?
- Ding.

Women are everywhere.
Except for the gym.

That's why it's such a magical place.
Don't ruin that. Don't be that guy.

Come on.
You're so much more than that.

[Whispering] I'm begging you.

I'm... I'm actually
saving that for someone.

- That's not allowed.
- Fair enough.

Say, that's a real nice pantsuit
you have there.

Oh, well, thank you.
It's 40 percent off.

Swing by my place and see
if we can't get it 100 percent off?

Had to be done.

- Thanks. I got your next one.
- Don't mention it.

I'm late 'cause Dorian parked
his scooter behind my new van.

Practically punctured a tire backing
over it. Kid drives me crazy.

A new van, huh?

You blew up the old one over a bet.
Remember?

Right.

Dorian drives me crazy too.
But what are you going to do about it?

I stole this from his locker.

I come by here a couple times a week
and move stuff around.

Turn off his alarm.
Maybe cut his bangs.

You're in need of help, but darn it,
I'm not gonna give it to ya.

How sound a sleeper you think he is?

Well, watch this.

Why?

So, what now?

- [Siren wailing]
- [Screaming]

Naked. Excellent.

Who took my emerald?

[J.D.] After paying the Janitor
the unreasonable sum of $90

to move my bed back home...

... we decided to round up our interns

so we could pick out
our respective booty calls.

Welcome to Fuglyville.

J.D., I don't want to do this.

Can't we just go home and put on
our pj's and watch Grey's Anatomy?

Oh, I do love that show.

It's like they've been watching
our lives and then just put it on TV.

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

[J.D.] Carla listened at the door while
I was helped Turk ask for gym equipment.

- What do you want?
- [J.D.] And then Turk lied.

Sir, we're here on behalf
of Dr. Bianca.

You know, the albino radiologist?

Oh, Jim!

Who'd he get pregnant this time?

I tell you, the ladies cannot
resist that ivory rascal.

Sir, Jim is demanding that he
gets new equipment in his lab.

Demanding?

There is no way in hell
that Jim is getting new equipment!

Sorry, baby. I tried.

- Has there been any change?
- She's still the same.

[J.D.] I guess in the back of my mind
I was hoping for a pleasant surprise

because around here
most of them are unpleasant.

[Sighs]

Like when a guy you thought
you connected with turns on you.

Hey. How's the day
treating you, big guy?

You're not talking to me,
are you, Doogie?

Doogie?

This is a doctor no-fly zone, bubs.
Speaking of flys, yours is down.

Oh, no!
You fell for the grade school zinger!

You gotta go!
Back to the game, boys.

And you guys would not believe
how hard my man fought for us.

Yeah. Well, you know, ladies,
I do what I do when I do what I do.

[J.D.] Or your boss blows your cover.

Turkelton,
I have reconsidered your request

and I've decided to give old Jim
that new MRI machine.

[Yelps] See, baby... No! Wait!

[J.D.] My surprise
came the next morning

when I found out Elliot
had broken our no booty call agreement.

With my nemesis.

Why is he wearing my robe?

It fits me.

- J.D., I can explain.
- Oh, you did it twice.

All righty. Somebody's a stud.
We got a stud alert in here!

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

OK, this is just mathematically
impossible.

Keith, Dr. Dorian and I
have to get to work now, OK?

Why don't you clean this up,
then drop off my laundry

and get me a coffee and bring it
to the hospital. Run, like a bunny.

Sure thing, Elliot.

Keith! It's after nine.
It's Dr. Reid now.

Dr. Reid. Dr. Reid.

I love booty calls.

"El Toro Grande"?

I'm not familiar with this brand.

No change.
Her FIO2 is still 50 percent.

I said no cream.

I didn't say no cream.
It's like having a sex puppy.

- What's your problem?
- I can't stand that guy.

J.D., he's just a booty call.

- Say the word and I'll end it.
- I'd appreciate it if you'd end it.

Oh, my God. You've turned Keith
into forbidden fruit.

I must have him now.

Heel! [clicking tongue]

Oh. Hey, bud.
Check out my new mop bling.

Bling!

It's cool. I cleaned it.

Oh, so what?
Now we're pals again?

I've got to be honest.
I'm confused, Sasquatch.

I got a rep to protect, OK?

I'm seen as the king of working folks.

If they catch me hobnobbing
with a doctor-type,

I won't get my cut of prosthetics
we looted from the storage room.

- How's that?
- We sell feet to college kids for $500.

Apparently, they...
smoke something out of them.

Let me get this straight.
You are embarrassed to be seen with me?

At the hospital.

At the bar we can hang out all we want.

You rich, yacht-owning punk!
You think...

They're gone. It's cool.
See you at the bar.

Aw, sweetie,

do you want me to call his mommy
and tell her he's being mean to you?

My friend is mean to me.

Listen. Honey, I know you're angry.

But look what I found in my locker.
A wad of cash.

You can buy the shoes you wanted.

I'm not mad about that gym thing.
Sign this please.

- Any of you ladies have a pen?
- Whoo!

Oh! Yow!

- Yow!
- [Sighs]

You set me up.

Baby, you are mad.

It's not a crime for me to want one
place that I can hang out by myself.

Turk, I am not mad, OK?

Now staple these, please.

Anybody got a stapler?

Hey!

Hey.

[J.D.] I promised I wouldn't pick
on Keith, but this one he had coming.

OK, guys.
Gather round, gather round.

Your hero, Keith here,

forgot to check the blood levels
on Mr. Joy this morning

and guess what?

He's dead.

Way to go there, Keith.

I've never seen this guy before.

Oh! Way to get to know
your patients there, murderer.

There's Mr. Joy.

J.D., did you steal him from the morgue?

I left a note on the decapitated guy's
stump I'd have him back by 2.

It is 1:45.

I have to take him back to the basement
and I don't even have my gurney.

I hate dead people.

All right. The real reason
that I brought Mr. Joy up here

was for a teaching exercise.

Can anyone figure out
the cause of death?

Maybe when you leaned over
to check his I.V.,

you smothered him to death
with one of your love handles.

What did you say, Keith?

Dr. Reid told me if you picked on me
I should stand up for myself.

And that you're very sensitive
about your... doughy physique.

Well, I'm not.

Please, no one help.
He's not heavy at all.

Out of professional decorum

we should refrain
from talking about Dr. Reid.

He's boinking her, everyone.
That's why he gets special treatment.

What did she say to do
if I said that?

- Page her.
- Ah!

- Hello.
- [Gagging]

I forgot how strong you are
when you're mad.

Hey, can I...
can I talk to you for a sec?

What's the matter, Sally?
Vending machine's out of bras again?

Nice. You tell him.

What's up, buddy?

I just thought your friends might
be interested in seeing this photo

I took with my cell phone
the other night.

I'm going to airbrush
"Friends Forever."

Then I'm gonna hang these bad boys
all over the hospital.

Oh, evocative.

- Give it to me.
- You want it? Come and get it.

- Come and get it.
- Gentlemen,

let's try to be professional.

I left my gurney downstairs
in the morgue.

You're a superstar.

One of them staplers
could've killed me.

Know what bothers me?
You whining about me being in your space

when you never want to be alone.

For God's sake,
you bought side-by-side toilets.

- That was a surprise for your birthday.
- A surprise for me.

- Surprise! How about that? OK?
- I don't want it. Take it back.

Doughy physique, Elliot?
Doughy physique?

If the pear-shaped shirt fits, wear it.

I am ashamed of you, OK?

Do you know how petty it is
to get that personal?

- My own face, OK?
- That's what I'm telling you.

Once when we were dating,
Elliot asked me to urinate on her.

[All stop arguing]

I had been stung by a jellyfish!

[All arguing]

[Pagers beeping]

[J.D.] Around here, it can feel
like good things never happen.

Good to see you, you old bird.

Did I miss anything?

I'll catch you up later.

[J.D.] Of course, when they do,

all the petty little arguments
fade away.

And you don't mind waiting
a little longer for your workout.

Or your bar friend
not being your work friend.

Because the truth is,
when you put stuff in perspective,

the little things
will never bother you again.

Good morning, Dr. D.

Dr. Reid told me to get my sweet ass
out of the shower and make an omelet.

You want one?

[J.D.] Did I say never?