Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 12 - My Cabbage - full transcript

[J.D.] The worst thing about Elliot
having picked intern, Keith,

as her permanent booty call
is that if he's had a few beers,

he sometimes forgets
which bedroom is hers.

Mmm...

- I'm here, lover.
- Tender.

In my defense, Keith's a decent kisser,

and anyone waking up that way
would let out a pleasure moan.

Same thing happened in college.

What guy drunkenly kissed you
while you were sleeping?

[J.D.] It was that moment
Turk and I remembered the incident

we'd managed to block out for 12 years.



You OK with us not hanging out?

- Totally.
- OK.

I was gonna miss Turk, but my favorite
intern was around to cheer me up:

Jason Cabbaggio. Or, as I had
brilliantly nicknamed him...

- Cabbage!
- Yes, sir.

Oh, no, Mark.
I was talking to Cabbage.

Well, my last name is Cabbage.

I know,
but I nicknamed you "Wolfman"

because of your keen sense of smell.

[J.D.] And your
ridiculously hairy torso.

What can I do you for?

Dr. D, is the IV
supposed to leak like this?

Well, yes and no. Mostly no.
Really, really, all no.

Don't worry. I got your back. First
thing is, take a little nipper yourself.



Got some on you! Look out! That's
some of the fun that you can have.

But seriously, just watch and learn,
watch and learn.

It's an honor to watch you work.

Take it all in, Cabbage. Take it all in.

[J.D.] Yes, I like some interns
more than others,

but I never let personal feelings
affect my professional behavior.

You're late, which doesn't surprise me
because you're a bad person.

They needed help
with a shooting victim.

Lies will get you nowhere, Keith.

- I'm covered in his blood.
- That could be anyone's blood.

Here's the gunshot victim.

Hey, look, my blood.

- That's not your blood.
- Yes, it is.

Quiet time.

All right, listen. If Mr. Burton
wants surgery, call me on my cellie.

Cool. What's your number?

- You have my number.
- I don't. I changed phones.

You didn't switch out old numbers
into the new phone?

Yeah, but I decided to just put
a couple emergency numbers on here.

The Butterball Turkey Helpline?

This one just says,
"That Guy In The Restaurant."

Hey, I clicked
with "That Guy In The Restaurant," OK?

We spent all night
talking about... something, OK?

If I need you,
I can just call Carla.

It's not like the two of us hang out.

I bet you don't have
my number in your cell.

[J.D.] Not even Keith could bum me out,

because everybody's favorite patient,
Mrs. Wilk, is going home today.

I'm sure not gonna miss this food.

Well, the nurses and I got you this.

- Oh! Aw...
- Huh?

You should see the size
of the stationery store.

[J.D.] That was a huge courtesy laugh

because I was about to trump Carla's
goodbye gift like nobody's business.

Mrs. Wilk, I remember
how much you like basketball,

so I got you a DVD of the
NBA's Greatest Centers of All Time

signed by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Oh, J.D., this is so sweet!

[J.D.] Winner!

- My gift is in the same vein.
- Oh, is it, Keith?

Mr. Abdul-Jabbar
is on my dad's flag football team.

- Hi, Patricia.
- Oh!

That's not my signature.

Did you sign this? It's illegal.

OK. Back to the psych ward,
Mr. Rosenberg. Crazy.

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know
I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

[J.D.] That morning
seemed like any other.

Dr. Mickhead was back, having beaten
the rap on murdering his spouse...

Anybody want a cool prison jumpsuit?

Dr. Kelso was having
his daily staring contest

with the last
double-chocolate-chocolate-chip muffin.

Let's end this charade.

You win again. You always do.

- Mmm...
- [squawking]

Would someone explain
what that bird is doing in my hospital?

Sanchez appears to be flying, sir.

I've named him Sanchez.
He set up shop in that old wreath there.

I'd take it down, but the patients
really seem to love the little guy.

That disease-infested scavenger
is a serious health risk.

No.

Do you know
the number one cause of death?

- Your breath?
- Infection.

And do you know how quickly
infection spreads in a hospital?

- Your breath?
- That doesn't make sense.

Don't care.

Look, infection can start
with a simple sneeze.

And then a handshake.

Perhaps an accidental collision.

Then a simple touch on the shoulder.

And just like that,
you have a patient in trouble.

Chinatown is awesome!

I want that bird gone.

Keith, I realize you'd like to be at
your grandmother's funeral on Saturday.

Heck, we all would.

You can't just take a day off
whenever you feel like it.

How come Cabbage got off
so he could go see King Kong?

Because Keith, Cabbage is an
ape enthusiast. Show him a little.

[Spitting, grunting]

It's like I'm at the zoo.

Put the thing in your mouth
when you... Yeah.

See ya, Mrs. Wilk.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss our late-night talks.

You can call me anytime you want,
sweetie.

Got your number right here
in my... phone. Sorry.

Don't even worry about it. It's OK.

- We are so not cool.
- We're not?

Why are you making such a big
deal out of this? It was a simple...

La-la-la-la-la-la...

Mr. Burton, hi!

In a few minutes, they'll come to get
you for aortobifem bypass surgery.

If there's anything
we can do for you, let us know.

Well, if I don't make it, I want you
to make sure my sons get this note.

- Done.
- Done.

[Phone ringing]

I can't believe you fell for that.

Why would that call have been for you?
It's my cell phone.

You got my "1" button?

Hey! Now I can't
call my buddies in Saigon.

Touch?. What else can you do?

Could I borrow five bucks?
I left my wallet at home.

What do you need $5 for?
Abraham Lincoln...

Abraham Lincoln
is your president crush

or because Woolworths
is having a 48-hour girdle sale?

There, I did it for you.
Don't talk with your mouth full.

- All I have are hundreds.
- What are you, a prostitute?

I worked the streets.
I'm a prostitute?

- Nice job.
- Thanks.

Thank you.

Nice job, buddy.
Let's go get you that hat. Mine.

- Where's my change?
- A bird took it.

I want it back by tonight
or I'm gonna beat it out of you.

Why are you sitting here, Newbie?

I'd sit with my interns, but Keith's
over there and I can't stand him.

I've seen that kid. Horrible doctor.

I would sooner leave my medical care
in the hands of Dr. Acula.

Yes, I read your vampire screenplay
and as much as it pains me to say it,

I didn't hate it.
Here's what you do with this Keith:

Turn the heat up on his ass
and he'll make a mistake.

Then bounce him out of here.

What did you think
of the Transylvania sequence?

I wrote it on-call
and the next morning,

I read it, and I was like,
"What was I thinking?"

Bethany, focus.

I can't just pick
one of 'em out to torture.

Then dump on all of 'em! I'm sure they
deserve it. I mean, let's face facts.

You are their teacher.
How competent can they be?

This morning,
one of 'em had trouble with an IV.

Yesterday, one made
a diagnosis off a backwards x-ray.

Last week, one confused
a suppository with a Mike and Ike.

Stellar group there, Newbie.
Let the torturing commence.

- [Beeping]
- Oh, I'm sorry.

That means conversational time
is O-V-E-R.

Please exit the area.
Please exit the area.

I'd love to talk to you more
about the screenplay.

Please exit the area.
Please exit the area.

[J.D.] Turk and Elliot
were having a hard time

because Mr. Burton
didn't make it through surgery.

We did everything we could for your dad.

We are so sorry, Devin, Eric.

That's Devin. I'm Eric.

Oh, you guys must get that all the time.

Because all
black people look the same?

- Hmm.
- No! Because you're identical twins.

- Is she always this racist?
- Oh, there's a pattern.

Identical twins, Turk!

Uh-oh, Keith, it looks like
somebody's gone prematurely gray.

That's gonna hurt with the ladies.

[Carla] Wow.

Dr. Cox told me you
were tough on your interns.

I had no idea you were gonna
go all cotton ball on their asses.

I think I know how to deal with people,
Carla. Check this.

Cabbage! Heat test.

[Sizzling]

It's a little hot.

I'll add some milk. Thank you.

- See?
- Yeah.

[J.D.] And now, it's goodbye, Keith.

Interns, gather!

The next person who screws up
is gonna be suspended for two weeks.

This is a list of all of your names.
At least the ones I remember.

At the end of each day, I will either
write a smiley face or a sad face

next to your name.
One sad face, and you are gonzo.

And I want to warn you,
I write my sad faces pretty darn sad.

Allow me to demonstrate.
May I borrow your pen?

Not going to happen. I had to strangle
a nurse to get this clicky top.

Please. I'm in the middle
of a very threatening speech.

- Return this pen or die painfully.
- Thank you.

So, as I was saying, my sad face...

[J.D.] Around here,
it's tough to hang onto things.

If someone's trying to take your
new friend away, you lie.

The bird's dead, sir.

And if you're wondering,
Sanchez tasted like chicken. I ate him.

I get it. Now, just sign this order form
so I can stop talking to you.

[Cawing]

[Speaking Spanish]

You said our father left us a note?

Yep. Dr. Turk, give it to them.

Elliot, I gave it to you.
You have the note. You give it to them.

[J.D.] If your credibility slips away,

you might have to excuse
yourself for a moment.

Excuse us for just one minute,
Eric, Devin. Um... [clears throat]

I know it's in pencil,

but that's what a sad two-week
suspension face would look like.

All right? Very, very sad. Yes?

Who tried to give
Ms. Meadows an ACE inhibitor?

She's six months pregnant.
She could've lost the baby.

[J.D.] Sometimes,
there's nothing you can do.

That was me, sir. Sorry.

Oh, Cabbage.

Not you, Wolfman.

[Scoffs]

I, uh... I can't believe you're finally
getting out of this deathtrap.

The odds were against you.

You had a life-threatening disease,
a life-threatening doctor.

Anyway, it was
a pleasure treating you, and...

I know how hard it is for you
to say something nice, so you can go.

Thanks.

Why the grim face there, Trish?

You watching Kelso's afternoon
staring contest with the last brownie?

You bested me again,
you little chocolate bitch.

Nah, I'm just kind of
sad about my intern.

Why? You got what you wanted.
You drove Keith out of here.

No, I drove Cabbage out. That's Keith.

That's Keith?
That kid's the best intern we've got.

I'd like to bronze him,
turn my office into a Keith-edral

and convert to Keith-stianity.
And FYI, I still want my pen back.

- Oh, I don't have it.
- You better find it, nubile one.

And when you do, I want it
buffed, shined and de-nerdified.

[Whistles]
You think that's funny? This isn't over.

What's not over?

- Turk, I did not lose it. You did.
- I don't lose things.

Please, you lose everything. Sometimes
I worry what you'll be like as a dad.

We're on our way back right now.

Junior and I just went
to pick up a pumpkin.

I'm gonna have to call you back.

Look, somebody left a baby here.

- Well, he is kind of cute.
- Phew!

- Our baby's first bath.
- Oh, watch the head.

[Cheering]

What?!
Come on! That was intentional!

- Charge the mound, son!
- [Both] Charge the mound!

We are so damn proud of you, son.

My little valedictorian.

- Ah!
- [Splatting]

[Sobbing] Put him back together,
baby! No!

Mom? Dad?

Son? Son?

Get over here, boy! You come
and you give your father a hug!

No!

You all right?
You were gone for a long time.

You're gonna be an awful father!

[J.D.] And now to take care of my boy.

Cabbage is back!

Gang, I should've made it clear earlier.

The suspension policy begins today
at 4pm. So my apologies to Cabbage.

- That's OK, Dr. D.
- You get in there!

This is totally unfair.
If I had messed up, I'd be gone.

Let me explain something to you.

I treat each and every one of you
like unique individuals, OK?

Take Gloria, for example.
The woman's 400 years old.

She needs to sleep a lot.
I work around that schedule.

Wolfman's got to be home by daybreak,
so he does all his work come nightfall.

Crazy Barry, not allowed near children.
We work around that.

How come I don't get a nickname?

Not everyone's last name
lends itself to a nickname, Keith.

My last name is Dudemeister.

And what am I supposed to do with that,
OK? I'm not a magician.

Patricia, it's been a real pleasure
having you here at Sacred Heart,

and I certainly hope the next
time you fall ill, you'll remember us.

I'm not implying that you'll get ill,

it's just that you're old
and chances are good...

Stop talking, Robert.

It's all right. I know what you meant.

Damn it, Sanchez. I told you
Dorian's in room 136. This is...

[caws]

136. I was wrong.

I apologize, Sanchez.
You were right, as always.

What?

[Cox] Hey, Newbie!

Watch out for the bedpan.

Now we're even.

But answer me this one question,
will ya, please?

Those are beautiful antlers.

Huh? Why is that screw-up still here?

You see, Dr. Cox, I treat each
and every one of my interns differently.

And you're done.

So you accidentally
drummed your friend out of here

because you were trying
to 86 The Dudemeister?

That nickname will never stick.
It's too long.

Listen carefully, Newbie.
Things happen for a reason.

Think back on all those mistakes
that your interns made

and tell me this: Who made them?

Hey, Dr. D, is the IV
supposed to leak like this?

I'm not quite sure
what I'm looking at here.

Don't worry. You're gonna feel much
better once I insert this suppository.

I don't remember
who made those mistakes.

Yeah, you do.

[J.D.] OK, this sucks. But at least I
didn't forge a note from a dead father.

You guys ready?

All right, Elliot, begin.

"My dearest Eric.

It is my wish for you
that you finally find a good woman..."

I'm gay.

"...so that she might
find you a man..."

Dad didn't know I was gay.

"...so that he might find you a woman."

I found your note in Sanchez's wreath.

Also little furniture.
Don't know where he got that.

Sure the hell didn't make it.
He didn't have the time.

"Make sure you clean out
the gutters at the lake house

so the front porch doesn't flood"?

Ours is better than that.

Well, it's done. I had him stuffed.

Terrific.

And he's gone.

Wow, that was impressive,
my friend. You're free to fly.

Farewell, Sanchez.

[Speaking Spanish]

[J.D.] Time to give Keith
a little treat.

Hey, Todd. My buddy, Keith,
here says you're no good at rat-tailing.

Oh, really?

Ah!

There! Tell him I'm good.

Oh, he's good, Keith. Really good.

Thanks for the warning.

Hey, Dr. Dorian.

Hey, Jason. We need to talk.

Look, you're not progressing
as fast as the other interns,

and you've been
making a lot of mistakes lately.

I know what you're gonna say.
I really am suspended for two weeks.

But I promise I'll do much better
when I come back.

Yeah, about coming back...

[J.D.] Dr. Cox was right.
Things do happen for a reason.

[# Coldplay: Fix You]

Like going through
a horrible experience with a friend

reminds you of how much
you missed hanging out.

"A woman to find a man

to find a woman."

Excuse me for a sec.

- Ahem.
- [Phone ringing]

Incoming call from Elliot Reid?

You're on speed dial, baby.

Ah!

- What's up?
- What's up?

- What you doing?
- What are you doing?

What you doing?

[J.D.] In Cabbage's case,
as much as I was gonna miss him,

I was just lucky to get rid of him
before he really hurt someone.

You've always been really nice to me and
I wanted to say thanks and goodbye.

Oh, goodbye, young man.

[Sighs]