Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 13 - My Five Stages - full transcript

Tonight, it was "The Orchard Owner
and the Mexican Apple Thief. "

Confess, Manuel!
Confess that you stole these apples.

I was at the dance
with the other pickers.

- Liar!
- [Grunts]

[J.D.] Frankly,
the whole thing disgusted me.

You saw him do it, didn't you, Paco?

[Mexican music plays]

[J.D.] Mostly because
they never let me speak.

He hid them in his pantalones.

He loves these apples. He makes
apples pie and apples juice with them.

You can't talk. You lost your tongue
in that cider press accident.



Now, back to the pickers' bunkhouse!

I hate the pickers' bunkhouse.

[J.D.] And I hate Keith.
Which begs the question:

Why do I insist on being
a part of their foreplay?

I guess I needed a distraction
because last week,

we all thought Mrs. Wilk was going home.

But she got an infection, and despite
our best efforts, she was now gonna die.

To make her happy,
we decided to take her to the beach.

I'm gonna miss the feel
of sand between my toes.

[J.D.] Still, she was sick,
so we couldn't go far.

Want me to bury you?

Shut up and move the sunbrella,
will you? I'm freckling.

I thought we had more sand.

- Now what?
- [Music plays on radio]



[On radio] OK, people,
it's time for the $50,000 cash call.

Today's lucky listener, Ted Buckland!

What?

Would you love a virgin daiquiri?

It's a normal daiquiri.
I just let him give it to you.

- [Laughs] Thanks.
- Hilarious.

Cheers.

You know,
I've never really been afraid of death.

I used it as a motivator.

When you know there's an end,
it forces you to live.

It forced me in the eighth grade
to ask Peter Bucherelli

to take me to the sock hop.

It made me dare to travel the world.
It made me who I am.

Still, now that I'm
actually staring it in the eye, I...

Why am I so scared?

[J.D.] Sometimes, life sucks.

For everyone.

[On radio] Sorry, Teddy!
Apparently you don't need the money!

No!

Why?

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know
I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

[J.D.] Mrs. Wilk decided to call
the hospital grief counselor.

He had a certain frankness about death.

Which one of you is gonna kick it?
Don't tell me. I want to guess.

I'm thinking it's either you or you.
You 'cause you're hooked up to machines.

Or... you have that look
of someone who's gonna die young.

- I'm kidding.
- Oh...

You'll live forever. Or not.
What do I know? I mean, I'm not psychic.

- [J.D.] We did not like him.
- I think he's funny.

She's delirious.

Mrs. Wilk, I'm Dr. Hedrick. It sounds
clich?d, but you're gonna go through

"The Five Stages of Grief," which are:

Denial, anger, bargaining,
depression and finally, acceptance.

I assume that you two have
already entered into a conversation

with Mrs. Wilk about
what dying is gonna be like.

We were doing it
before you came in.

Oh, I'm sorry. Then please, continue.

All right, we will. Newbie... go.

[Stammering] Oh, OK.
Well, well, yeah. Um...

OK, death is like a journey.

Uh, a journey in a boat.

And, uh, then this giant light

shines down on your "boat"

and, uh, carries you up to the heavens.

That was the ending to Cocoon.

Take it away, Coxie.

Keith, keep moving. No talking.

Hey, where's my wave,
you little piece of meat?

You know, Elliot,
the four of us should go out to dinner.

Why are you so obsessed
about going out with other couples?

Didn't you learn your lesson
last week with our neighbors?

Squirrel chili. Who knew? Ha!

It's really good.

[Howling]

- I wanna go home.
- Eat your soup.

No.

They're not our neighbors. They live
in the woods behind our apartment.

We'd be having brunch with them Sunday
if you could have choked down the tail.

Carla, I don't know.
Keith is a booty call.

I make it a point
not to see him before midnight.

[Ted coughing]

Oh, good,
the piles are getting smaller.

Good.

That reminds me. Did you get
that sand out of his office?

Yes, I did,
and it cut my commute in half.

[Classical music plays]

Good morning, loyal subjects.

Enjoy your day in Janitoria.

Labor until you tire
and then labor some more.

Looks like rain.

That could be a problem.

Sir, can I have Sunday afternoon off?

Well, that depends. Is Baxter's
dog run gonna hose itself down?

- No.
- Actually, it is.

I rigged the hose to a timer.
But I need you to clean out my gutters.

But, sir,
I'm doing a bike ride for charity!

Ted, the only thing I hate more
than bikes are procedural cop shows.

We get it, the pedophile did it.
Be at my house at 2:30.

Just once, I... [spits]

Just once, I wish I could
treat Kelso like he treats us.

With Kelso, you got no leverage.

Leverage.

Leverage?

- You don't know what it means, do ya?
- No.

I understand you spend most
of your time fighting death,

so it's understandable
that you're made uncomfortable by this.

Now, if you'd like,
I'm willing to counsel both of you.

[J.D.] I was tempted to take him up,
but then Dr. Cox said something.

Listen up. We don't
need any of your head shrinking.

[J.D.] "We!" He said, "we!"

After all these years,
he's finally made us a team.

Yeah, Hedrick. If it was up to us,
we never would've even called you.

We can handle death just fine.

We might even be going
into private practice together.

- What?
- [J.D.] Easy.

Now is not the time
to discuss the Dorian-Cox Clinic,

much less the relocation
to Jacksonville.

Clearly, I'm pushing some buttons here.

You couldn't push my buttons if you
tried. In fact, I have no buttons.

Please think of me as buttonless, all
smooth, like GI Joe's nether regions.

By the by, this image
is brought to you by my son, Jack,

who has been yanking pants
off toy soldiers and leaving them

in provocative positions
on my nightstand.

It is just disturbing enough
so that leaving the house,

I'm cranky
and less able to suffer fools,

which brings me back to you: The fool.

I'm done suffering you, so go now.

Go. Go,
before you can write a book

entitled Help! A Large Doctor is Beating
My Ass: The Lester Hedrick Story.

That was a mouthful.

Anyway, if you need to talk,
just give me a call.

He seems strangely impervious
to my threats. That annoys me.

Basically, when you're in the mood,

you call Keith and he comes over
and gives you 20-something nasty?

Watch me.

- [Beeps]
- [Clears throat]

Got the machine.

We're going to your place tonight.
My room smells like apple vinegar.

Put clean sheets on the futon and turn
the pictures of your parents face down,

except for that one of your dad
in the Navy. It helps me.

How does he put up with that?

Would you get my scarf
out of the car?

I am making a point here, honey.
No man should...

Turk, less point-making,
more scarf-getting.

- What's up? You need a ride?
- Keep moving, C-Bear.

[J.D.] I was hunting for bigger game.

Hey, I thought you went home already.

Oh, I tried to, Perry,
but I'm having some scooter trouble.

Come on, I'll give you a ride.
Let's go.

Can you believe the huevos
on that Hedrick?

Holy cow. It's like we've never
had a patient die on us before.

I gotta put this bag in the trunk.

[J.D.] I was in the Porsche.
I had never made it into the Porsche.

It smelled like German heaven.

I wasn't gonna blow this opportunity.

I had to be careful
about every little...

Hey, a root beer.

Don't open that soda.

It has been rolling on the floor.
It will explode.

Apparently, you're not familiar
with the John Dorian three-tap method.

Three taps and the foam goes bye-bye.

Works every time.

Ahh!

The quickest way to my house
is to take Elm.

[Moaning]

Elliot, wait.

Oh, I'm sorry,
am I looking at your dad too much?

His eyes penetrate my soul.

[Laughs] No.

I just want to tell you
how beautiful you look right now.

That is so sweet.

[Moaning]

Tell you something I learned today.

Wet sand plus dehumidifier
equals cave-in.

Is that Ted and a bunch of damn bikers?

Why do you hate bikes so much, sir?

Son, Daddy's got to move on.

And I just want you to know

that since the car
is in your mother's name,

I wouldn't be able to leave the family
forever if it weren't for your bike.

It's complicated.

Get off the road!

[Engine revving]

Not today, Bobby! Not today!

Oh...

I see we're growling
at other human beings now.

How're you feeling, Mrs. Wilk?

Oh, not great. I'm cold.

She's been getting weaker.

[J.D.] In a hospital, you spend most
of your time just trying to hold on.

Whether it's to your perception
of a relationship...

That was fun.
I'm glad you got my message.

I didn't get any message.

- Oh.
- Elliot, if he didn't get your message,

that means he called you for sex
and you went over and gave it to him.

You're his booty call now.

[J.D.]... or trying to hold on to
the handlebars of your custom bicycle.

[Tires screeching]

Don't worry, Teddy. He'll turn.

Why'd you leave me, Daddy?!

Whoa!

Now we got leverage.

[J.D.] Unfortunately, as a doctor,

you see your fair share of people
who simply can't hold on any longer.

She's in multi-organ
systems dysfunction.

She's OK. She's ready.

[J.D.] Mrs. Wilk didn't have much time,

so either Dr. Cox or I
had to notify her next of kin.

As physicians, we knew just
how to decide who should do it.

First one to drop tells her.

Phew!

Pretty strong there, Newbie.

[J.D.] I was not.

But hopefully, the duct tape I used
to connect my prosthetic arms was.

Ah!

Ow.

Why are we doing this? I've seen people
in Mrs. Wilk's shape turn around.

She could totally turn it around.

Denial.

Yeah, it's not uncommon
for people close to the patient

to also go through
the five stages of grief.

- It's not denial. She could rally.
- Totally rally.

Oh, yeah. I mean, look at her.
She should be in a vitamin commercial.

How would you like to be
in a broken jaw commercial?

God help me, I don't care
if it does give me cancer,

I just love this fake sugar.

If he keeps ignoring my threats,
I'm gonna have to hit him.

The good news is,
it looks like he has a soft face.

- [Man] Are you done with my arms?
- Coming to ya, Mr. Johnson.

So I was Keith's booty call,
whatever. It'll blow over.

That's not good enough, Elliot.

By letting Keith get the upper hand,
you've given Turk ideas. Look at him.

Baby, I know you hate
my cool walking stick,

but I got to be my own man.

It's catching on. Yeah.

OK, Teddy.
I got this baby flowing now.

I don't know if that's good.

You should sue Kelso.
You have a serious tort on your hands.

Tort?

Civil case. From the French avoir tort.

Did you go to law school?

No. I was Ruth Bader Ginsburg's
janitor for a while.

- Ruth Bader who?
- Hey! There's my guy.

Listen, I just came up to apologize
for that little fender-bender out there.

So would two floor seats

to the WNBA All-Star Game
just make all this ago away?

Absolutely!

Uh, Ted is gonna be wanting
more than that, I'm afraid.

I am?

I am!

[J.D.] Dr. Cox and I decided
to give Hedrick a piece of our mind.

Unfortunately,
I had lost front-seat privileges.

Yep, you're right. Still a little
sticky. Not yet ready for passengers.

All right, Lester, we're having
this out right here, right now!

Oh, for the love of God!

What's this, some pansy
"get in touch with my feelings

because my mommy
didn't love me" group?

Yeah, is that what it is?!

Actually, this is a support group
for the terminally ill.

Oh, we should probably go.

No, no. Please, continue.

Stop bugging us.

I find your particular brand
of psychobablry about as useful

and about as effective as fairy dust.

He's actually helped me quite a lot.

Oh.

Good.

- Dr. Cox?
- Yeah, Newbie, what do you got?

That guy looks fantastic.

What do you think he's dying of,
a case of the handsomes?

You know what?
To hell with you, Hedrick!

Group, can you tell me what stage
of grief Dr. Cox here is going through?

- [All] Anger.
- Anger, yes.

You don't want to see me angry!

Nor do you want to see I angry.

You better hope
you don't make any mistakes.

- It's awful.
- Uh...

Carla's telling Elliot to ignore you
so she can regain the power.

I don't really care.

Well, you know,
this isn't about you, Keith.

This is about men everywhere who
have been abused and bullied by women.

It's about me.

Now when they walk by,
you call her a different name.

I won't do it.

Here's how you get your power
from Keith: Ignore him.

- For realsies?
- Yep.

Hey, how you doing, Claire?

Did you just call me Claire?

No, I would never call you...

- Oh, snap!
- Elliot!

- That didn't sound like me.
- I know.

They hear what they want to hear.
They hear what they want to hear.

I'll tell you what, I'd do anything
if it meant she'd pull through this.

Me too.

Hey, that sounds like bargaining.
That's the third stage.

By the way, I wasn't hiding there

so I could pop up and say that.
I was plugging in my iPod.

Oh, hang on.

[Grumbles]

[J.D.] We weren't the only ones
at the bargaining stage.

[Chuckles]

Oh!

Oh!

Now, let's talk, Ted.

Just you and me. No lawyers.

OK, I know how you can
regain control of Keith.

Don't bother.
That booty call thing was fun,

but I'm so sick and tired
of being a cold, emotionless bastard.

Don't ever get sick and tired
of that. It is awesome being that.

- We love it.
- No!

Yeah, it's too much, I know.

Well, you can always
get another boy toy, right?

Every time you look, you're gonna be
reminded of no-strings-attached fun.

That's not what I'll remember.

[# DeberglJacobs: Bring Me Love]

I just wanted to tell you
how beautiful you look right now.

That is so sweet.

Oh, Elliot! You like him.

[J.D.] That was the moment
it got real for Elliot.

[Pager beeping]

And for Dr. Cox and me.

Should be any minute now.

[J.D.] We'd been there before when
someone died, but this felt different.

[Flatline tone]

She's gone.

[# Pearl Jam with Neil Young:
Long Road]

[J.D.] We were definitely
in the depression stage.

And bless Hedrick, he didn't say it.

All he said was...

She was lucky
to have you two as doctors.

[J.D.] Letting go is never easy.

Whether it's letting go of
the leverage you had over your boss...

I would like the word
"maintenance" on my uni written out

in tiny light bulbs.
That way, when I'm on a break,

I can turn it off like a taxi.

Your friend settled. It's over.

I got seven Sunday afternoons
off a year. Yay!

... or letting go of your old booty call
and making him your boyfriend.

Hey.

Do you want to go for dinner tonight?
And I mean at seven, not midnight.

I'd love that.

[J.D.] There's nothing more difficult

than letting go
of someone you cared about.

She was a great old gal.

- She was.
- [Hedrick] Hey!

Acceptance!

[Kelso] Damn bikes!

Boy, sometimes
you've just got to love Kelso.