Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 14 - My Own Personal Hell - full transcript

[J.D.] It was a beautiful day,
so I invited Elliot over to my half-acre

for some friendly sunbathing.

Unfortunately, she brought Keith.

Thanks for doing that, J.D.

I'd do it,
but the Bobbsey Twins are already loose.

No worries.
It's not that homoerotic, is it?

Oh, God, no.

[J.D.] Keith didn't know
I mildly disliked him.

He also didn't know
I was rubbing Crisco on his back.

Does it smell like pie crust?

That's the rhododendron, Keith.



Everybody knows they smell
like pie when they bloom.

- Hey, nice new watch, J.D.
- Thank you.

[J.D.] It wasn't a watch.
Now that Elliot got serious with Keith,

I needed to get tighter with Turk.

Since he's so busy being married
and trying to make a baby,

I had only one option.

Come in, Brown Bear.

I got us watchie-talkies.

- Hey, White Shadow.
- [J.D.] That's not my handle.

[Sighs]

Hey, Gizmo.

Right on. What are you doin', man?

I'm about to take out the Slip 'n Slide.
Let's do it.

Dude, I can't. It's baby-making time.



- How's it going with Keith?
- Awesome. Check this.

[Sizzling]

Bacon back! Classic!

Hey, stud.
You ready to fertilize an egg?

[Whispering] Gotta go.
Maintain radio silence on all channels.

[J.D.] A local magazine named
Dr. Cox the best doctor in the city.

Dr. Cox felt this was big news.

All right. Here's how it's
going to work, people.

I'm going to ask each
and every one of you just exactly who

is the very finest physician in
this city, to which you will respond,

"You are!"

If you do not reply in a timely
and exuberant fashion,

my associate will take his mop
and, these are his words, not mine,

"Popsicle you."

Now my lovely ex-wife will demonstrate.

Darling, just exactly who is the
very best physician in our fair city?

You are. And now, as agreed,

you owe me a night on the town and some
"me actually getting to finish" sex.

Well done. Now, down the line we go!

- You are!
- You are!

- You are!
- Yar!

God! Why?

You combined "you" and "are."
"Yar." It made no sense.

It's true, Lonnie.
Everybody heard it. Poke him again.

- [Yelps]
- Bob Kelso. Will you be joining us?

Hm? There was a line. I assumed it
had something to do with cupcakes.

Bob, obviously you read the article.

The last publication
I read was the issue of Out

my son left by the crapper
when he was home asking for money.

You'll never get my validation, hotshot.

And just exactly where was the poke?

I froze. Gimme 20 bucks.
I'll crack him over the head.

Only kill him if you have to.

[Carla] Mmm.

That was amazing, baby.
I've never felt so close to you.

Oh, me too.

[Sighs]

Turk?

Were you not done cuddling, honey?

I was thinking maybe
we could go over to J.D.'s half-acre.

Put a blanket down. You can lie
in my lap while I stroke your hair.

Real reason, Turk.

J.D. Has a Slip 'n Slide
and I want to show off my new moves.

I call this "The Captain."

Right. And then, wait, "The Dolphin."

[Squeaks]

I swear, sometimes I think you and
J.D. Are more of a couple than we are.

[J.D. Over watch]
Tell her I've known you longer.

Ugh!

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know
I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

I just don't usually burn this bad.

Don't worry. Later,
I'm gonna find some aloe

and rub it on wherever it hurts.

Well, it's just on my back, really.

Keith, that was innuendo.
You were gonna work on this.

Oh. Right, right, right. OK. Um...

It also hurts under my pants...
in my pants.

Damn it! I can't get this!

Sweetie, you'll get it. You'll get it.

What? Laverne, what?

No judgment here, child.

[J.D.] People were starting
to talk about Elliot and Keith.

But I decided to stay above the fray.
Then I changed my mind.

Can you believe those two?

No, I can't.
All that carrying on in public.

- It's way too much.
- It's just too much.

Sorry. I switched places
so I could go again.

- Dr. Dorian?
- Yes, Rex.

Mrs. Levin won't take her medication.

Mrs. Levin has dementia, Rex.

And I know she loves sweets, so take
the pill, put it in some raspberry jam,

put it on your finger,
dip it in her mouth. Hello!

[J.D.] Rex would remember that morning
as the time he lost his finger tip.

With patients,
it's the luck of the draw.

You can't choose
how tolerant they are.

Young man, can you make sure
they don't give me any black blood?

- I'll try.
- Hmm.

[J.D.] You can't choose how classy.

Oh, your hernia stitches look great,
Mr. Borland.

Could you give them a kiss?

Maybe later.

[J.D.] Bottom line,
you can't choose your patients.

Hello.

It's about time. Are you my doctor?

Yes, I am. I'm gonna
go ahead and give you a second

so you can think about
just how lucky that makes you.

Don't try to be funny.

Now, here's a list of things
I'm going to need you to take care of.

That is so helpful.
I'll take a look at this.

- Hey.
- When are you coming over tonight?

I can't. I'm on-call.

I'm really worried about a patient
with metastatic adenocarcinoma.

Aw! See? This is why I hate cancer.

[Whistles] Listen up.

You are!

We're not doing that anymore.

Now you're fairly strong
at diagnosing, right?

- Yes, sir.
- Terrific.

I need you to go figure out what's wrong
with that third-floor coffee machine.

And, Gandharoo, I need you
to talk to a young pregnant black girl

who will not let me call her mom.

Why would she listen to me?

I may have told her
that you were Kanye West.

I'm actually all right with that.

Let's go, group.

Look at our three manly men.

- Perry gets his chest waxed.
- Keith loves to knit throw pillows.

- Turk might be sterile.
- We have a winner.

I can't get pregnant
and I already got a fertility test.

Why don't you ask him to get tested?

Turk is very sensitive
when it comes to his manliness.

Remember when I told him
his backpack looked like a purse?

Turk, honey, I didn't mean it.

I am a man!
And a man does not carry a purse!

Ah!

[Laughing] Yeah!

If you can't ask him to get tested,
what will you do?

That's easy.
I'm gonna sperm-jack him.

Sure, sure.

All right. I've made
a little tweak to the schedule.

Lisa, you're on tonight
and Keith is off

because he's got some
hospital-related business.

[Scoffs]

Don't give me that.
You'd be off if you had a good reason.

- If you and I were sleeping together?
- First, the only woman in this hospital

that I would even consider
sleeping with is Jamie in Pediatrics.

- [All sigh]
- I know.

And secondly,
I'm the attending, so tough tuchus.

- Wow.
- It's just so unfair!

So unfair.

It really is unfair, you guys.

[Turk] Hey, Gizmo,
can you check on Mr. Jensen for me?

No problem, Brown Bear.
Are you nude right now?

Yeah! How'd you know?

[J.D.] Your voice is always higher
when you're nude.

[Turk] That's true.

It's not weird you know that at all.

Bob, just a note about the tapioca.
I'm much more partial to flan.

You're a flan fan.
It's fun to say, more fun to eat.

Anyway, anything that you need,
you just ask Dr. Cox.

Perry, Bonnie here is an old friend.

- Can't say I'm shocked.
- Take care of her.

You can count on me, Bobbo!

Here's the lowdown.
In three hours, my shift ends,

at which point I will be leaving
and meeting with my ex-wife

for a celebratory "best doctor in the
city" date which is guaranteed to end

in crazy hotel sex.

I'm thinking six-inch heels,
a leather mask, fishnet stockings.

Who knows?
She may even get dressed up.

The good news for you, though, is
that you have a case of hypercalcemia.

Any trained monkey can treat it.
Let's see who that monkey's gonna be.

Ooh! Banana.

Rex it is. Have a great night.

You're in very capable
nine-fingered hands.

I don't know what's gotten into you,
baby, but I am turned on.

OK, baby.
This might feel a little bit weird,

but I promise you, you will love it.

Honey? How could you think
I wouldn't notice this on my dangle?

You were enjoying it until
it started making that grinding noise.

I know we're having
a hard time getting pregnant,

but, sweetness, it could be you.

I already got tested.

Oh.

Turk.

I'm a man!

And men can make babies.

I'm not afraid to tell you.
It's gonna be a hell of a night.

I got us a penthouse.

- Great. How much did that run?
- About five bucks.

While I'm in the shower
you can read it and get revved up.

- Awesome.
- Oh, now what the hell, Mongo?

- Sorry, I'm his man now.
- Hello, Perry.

Don't get me wrong.
I hit him hard. Twice.

It just made him mad.
Guy's got a skull like a mountain goat.

[Tapping]

Perry, when I told you
to treat Mrs. Cooke, I meant it.

If I wanted to waste my breath,
I'd have given my wife mouth-to-mouth

when she went into cardiac arrest.
She's OK.

My mistress used to be a lifeguard.
Now get your ass back in there.

I'm sorry. Looks like we're
gonna have to take a rain check.

No. You are.

- Enjoy your evening, ma'am.
- Thank you.

No can do.

- We're gonna get going.
- No, no, no, no.

There is no way that you get
to spring your little boy-toy here

for a night of passionless passion
while my ass is here

and Jordan's whispering
sweet nothings to a shower nozzle.

Uh...

I'm gonna hang out back here.

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We'll leave it up to your interns.

Who here doesn't think
that Barbie should abuse her power?

Ah. There we go. Fair and square.
Face-jock stays.

[J.D.] It's a strange feeling when
everyone's stuck in hell and you're not.

- I might be sterile?
- Oh, honey. Stay calm.

- Nobody knows but us.
- [J.D.] You firing blanks, buddy?

[Sighs, sobs]

[J.D.] I was just glad to watch TV and,
for once, not be in a world of crap.

- Why didn't you stand up for me?
- [J.D.] Or not.

Attendings switch schedules
all the time.

You switched last week
and I totally defended you.

You know what's going on?
You don't like, Keith.

Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong.

Thanks, J.D. You're a great friend.

[Turk] At least you're not sterile.

Amen to that, C Bear.

[J.D.] The next morning, I braced myself
for Elliot's odd brand of revenge.

And there it was.

Did you individually drain all my eggs?

Morning!

Fine. I'll just have an apple.

Oh. Looking for this?

- How did you do that?
- [Door slams]

I'm having a rough morning, Brown Bear.
How you doing with your sterility?

I can't really talk about that
right now. I'm in an elevator.

[J.D.] Not reading you, Brown Bear.
I repeat. Are you still sterile?

This is so juicy, I feel dizzy.

Stupid watchie-talkie.

I heard they really want to have
children, but they can't 'cause he...

Don't worry, baby.
I'll kick her ass for you later.

We can go
to the fertility clinic after work.

I can handle this myself.

When you went to get your
fertility test, you didn't take me.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Yeah, besides, I've been giving
the fellas some inspirational pep talks.

You got to want it, boys.

There is no "l" in sperm.

Hey. You get the patient
with gelastic seizures.

Awesome. Every intern wanted this case.

Elliot, you're asking for trouble.
Everybody's already talking.

He's the best. He shouldn't be punished
because he has to sleep with me.

- Has to?
- Gets to... He gets to sleep with me.

As a woman, have you ever noticed how
self-esteem issues just creep up on you?

I have sausage fingers.

Remember when I pulled strings
with the board

and got Perry that promotion? Yeah.

People started talking
and Perry ended up totally emasculated.

So it worked out great for me.

I should not care
what other people think. Right, Carla?

Oh, sweetie, they're beautiful.

They're kielbasas.

[J.D.] Come in, Brown Bear.
Come in, Brown Bear.

If you're around,
I'm having some java out front.

[Grunts]

[J.D.] I'm hit. I'm hit.

Oh, this is gonna be fantastic.

All right, look. I know I said I wanted
to go by myself to get tested today.

But I've been doing some thinking
and... I'm scared.

So it would mean a lot
if you went with me.

Of course, buddy.

You know I'm not comfortable
getting busy with myself.

Well, you're in luck.
This happens to be my specialty.

Here are some tips. If you can't get
over that you're doing it to yourself,

sit on your arm until it falls asleep
then pull it out and use that.

I call it "The Stranger."

If I ever have kids,
you are never allowed to baby-sit.

I can't believe you're ready.

We spend all day taking care of
old people. Washing them. Cleaning them.

Why bring that home?

J.D., we're talking about kids, not
going home to a house full of old folks.

All right, fellas.
Two quick announcements.

First of all, whoever's been
filling my TiVo with JAG reruns,

let's cut it out.

And secondly, Harvey, no matter how
drunk you get, I like to sleep alone.

I like to snuggle.

That's your problem, buddy.
I got my own thing.

OK. Chris Turk?

Yeah.

We're ready for you.

Excuse me.

Are any of the reading materials
in there available for us out here?

[Janitor] J.D. This is that... black
surgeon that you always hang out with.

Come on outside to the ramp, dawg.

Any second. Any second now.

Oh, for God's sake, breathe through
your nose. You sound like my bulldog.

You know, as a doctor,
I rarely root for the disease,

but with you I find myself cheering,

"Go hypercalcemia with underlying
MEN syndrome! Go! Go! Go!"

Do you drink out of the toilet?
My bulldog drinks out of the toilet.

God Almighty.

Dr. Reid, we think it is lame that you
give Keith preferential treatment.

We're filing a complaint
with Dr. Kelso.

OK. Well, you know what? You guys
can tell Kelso whatever you want.

He's gonna hear facts. I'm sleeping
with Keith, his schedule's shifted

and he gets the most interesting cases.
Who wants 20 bucks?

That's not gonna work.
I don't have that much, so...

[sighs]

[Knocking]

I just got in here.

Baby, what are you doing here?

I was home thinking
about my fertility test

and how badly I wanted you to be there.

Baby, I'm a man.

We're not that vulnerable.

I don't really know why
I didn't tell you about it.

I guess I was just scared that, if I
got bad news, I'd be letting you down.

I can see how you'd feel that way.

Anyway, I thought I'd come over.

Aw, thanks, sweetie.

But you might want to go outside
'cause I'm about to fill this up.

Why would I wait outside?

- That's what's up.
- That's what's up.

Mmm...

You are more than welcome
to have your goon take both my thumbs

and break them if you want to,
Bob, but I am officially O-U-T out.

[Mumbles]

I don't even see
how you could like that woman.

I don't. She was married
to my best friend, Richard.

He died a few years back.
You know the deal with friends.

If they love 'em, you have to,
whether you like it or not.

[J.D.] Do you really believe that?

Or are you just saying
that to look good?

Ah, who am I kidding?
You don't care what anybody thinks.

I gotta tell you, though.

You gave me some good advice
about how to deal with Elliot.

Cootchie-cootchie-cootchie-coo!

- Can I fire him?
- Sleep on it.

Say, one more thing
about devil-lady in there.

Why me?

I know it's a minor condition, Perry,
but you know how things can turn.

But you wanted me in there
because I'm the best what, Bob?

- No.
- Say it,

or I will go in there and tell her
you're dying to be with her more often.

[Speaks gibberish]

- Beg your pardon?
- You're the best doctor.

Thank you, Bob.
That means a lot to me.

I know that everyone is very upset,

but I really don't think there's
any need to bother Dr. Kelso.

It's too late, Dr. Reid.

You're right, it is too late,
because from now on,

I'm gonna be
handing out all case assignments.

For instance, this cool case right here.

Should I give it
to the annoying intern?

That would be you, Lisa.

Maybe I should give it to the
incompetent intern missing a finger.

Because that would be you, Rex.

Or maybe I should
just give it to the best intern.

Which would be you, Keith.

Now if anyone wants to tell on me
to whomever they like, they can.

Good day.

[# The Eels: Living Life]

- Here you go.
- Thanks again, Dr. D.

All right. If you like him, I like him.

- Hey! I'm not sterile!
- Congratulations!

- [Cheering]
- # Not sterile #

[J.D.] My friends were happy, and even
though I felt like the fifth wheel,

I could take solace in something.

Hey, Turk. I forgot.
I can't raid the freezer with you.

Be careful in there.
They lock it up at three.

[Grunts]

I'm gonna kill him.

[J.D.] I had finally won one.