Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 15 - My Extra Mile - full transcript

[J.D.] Now that Elliot and Keith were
serious, she started buying him gifts.

[Laughs]

It's a mouth harp! Oh, awesome!

[J.D.] Keith was shockingly good
at pretending to like crappy presents.

But you know what he was best at?

Keith, we need more popcorn, yeah.

[J.D.] Being girl bait.

Here's how it goes down.

Keith comes back, Elliot marks her
territory so the girls know he's taken,

and I pick off one of the smaller ones
that comes by for a look-see.

I'm a doctor.



I'm a landowner.

Burt Reynolds is my father.

I love sports.

Keith, more popcorn.

[Spring boings]

See, that's how it works.

You have the cutest hair.

These old rags?

OK, OK. So you're both... fertile,

yet you're still unable to conceive,
so... How often do you make love?

- Twice today.
- Actually, it was three times.

You were asleep for the last one.

- Wow. That really happened?
- Mm-hm.

It was weird that you
were in one of my sex dreams.



He is not allowed to dream about me.
It gets too freaky.

Cirque du Soleil freaky.

One time, she was skinless.

OK. Stress is often
a factor in conception.

So tell me, do you think
stress might be an issue?

I swear,
if you don't knock me up tonight,

there's no more sex until you steal
me a baby. So do it right this time.

There's a little stress.

OK, the antibiotics
have brought your fever down.

Is there anything else I can do?

Yeah, I'm auditioning for
my church's senior citizen production

of Streetcar Named Desire.
Would you mind running lines with me?

I'd be happy to.

"If I didn't know you was my
wife's sister, I'd get ideas about you."

I can't believe you think
I'd do this with you. Are you insane?

Seriously, I'm a doctor.

What page are you on?

Oh...

Why didn't you just read lines
with the old guy?

My job is to make sick people better,

not to help Bernie score a slice
of Episcopalian tail on opening night.

Sometimes, you got
to go the extra mile with patients.

That's what makes me
such a special doctor.

That and your amazing ability
to switch back and forth seamlessly

between male and female genitalia.

Ooh...

Newbie, snap out of it.
We don't have time for your daydreaming.

I believe medicine
is about more than treating the disease.

You've got to be there for people.
Take Mrs. Cohen.

When she broke her hip, I treated that.

She also left her car double-parked,

so being an "extra mile" kind of guy,
I went and took care of it.

Sorry. It's been a little while
since I drove stick.

Wonder how she got out of that truck?
That's how she broke her hip.

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know
I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

All I'm saying is it's important
to go the extra mile with patients.

It's like I was telling this girl.

- Why tell her?
- I didn't.

I wanted to show you
who I'm going out with.

Look, Newbie, there's a reason that I
can't go the extra mile with patients.

- It's something personal.
- You can confide in me.

I'm a good doctor. Kelly Ripa!

[J.D.] It didn't bother me
Dr. Cox had "Kelly Ripa'd" me,

because I knew it would never catch on,
no matter how much he wanted it to.

This, however, did upset me.

Uh, Carol, we got the
bone marrow biopsy back and, uh...

...I'm afraid you have leukemia.

What?

Yes. But the good news
is it's very treatable.

We have to get started right away.

In four and a half years,
I've watched your pal, Stephanie,

go through a multitude
of irritating fads:

UGG boots, campaign
for better grammar among staff

and the double European air-kiss.

Seeing as you are sorority sisters,

I was hoping you'd be able to tell me
when this "extra mile" crap will end.

Oh, it's never gonna end.
He's relentless.

Why do you think I was out Sunday
buying comics for my patient?

They're giving away free Tastykakes
at the comic book store? Ha-ha!

That worked better
when you were a fat load.

- I know.
- Damn it!

All right, Jake, here it is,
the latest Vengeance.

I had to travel to five stores
to find that.

This is last month's.

I'll track down the new one for you,

but right now, I got to make
sure I have a job next year, OK?

[J.D.] Since there were only three
attending spots for ten residents,

Dr. Kelso could basically treat them
like his own personal valets.

All-day sucker, my ass. Try 20 minutes.

Sir, quick question.

[Gulping] Make it very quick.
I'm about to vomit.

Why was I told to drop everything
and look after some new patient?

Mr. Sommer is the cousin
of one of the trustees.

Not important enough
to warrant face time with me,

but connected enough that
if one of these ding-dongs kills him,

- it'll be my ass.
- Carla, can you cover my patients?

- She's watching someone for me.
- I'll find somebody.

Because I'm just a nurse,
I can't look after everybody?

- Precisely.
- J.D., why don't you tell me

what's wrong with Mrs. Jones?
Without looking at a chart.

[J.D.] Carla knew, without charts,
doctors didn't know much about patients.

Mr. Barry, I misplaced your chart.
I forgot, what's wrong with you again?

Oh, that's right. You have
a kitty cat stuck in your mouth.

Or should I say you have
a person stuck around you, little guy?

Cootchie-cootchie.

It's not like nurses know everything.

[J.D.] Uh-oh. Carla's gearing up
to explode. Save yourself.

Attempt the casual side-switch.

And you're there. Now angry at Kelso.

- Bob, how dare you?
- Exactly.

You're worried
about what I can handle?

Vascular Surgery wants
an update every two hours,

I'm weaning Mrs. Jones' dopamine
from ten mikes to five,

Meyerson's abdominal wound is dehiscing

and Mr. Wilder is turfed to Psych.
He thinks he's Flo from Alice.

Kiss my grits!

Exactly, Flo! Exactly!

I hope you learned something today.

Get a load of
Mr. Extra Mile Guy's leukemia patient,

sitting in there all by herself.

He's probably out getting a cake shaped
like a cancerous white blood cell.

All right, team, let's stay close.
Come on.

Carol! Look who I found.

Larry? Dad? How?

Well, right after
I got your test results back,

I got on the horn with your dad and we
started a phone tree to find everyone.

There were some tears,
mostly mine, but we got it done.

You are the most amazing doctor.

Hear that, Perry?

I'm the most amazing doctor
because I went the extra 5,280 feet.

What's that? That's right, it's a mile.

And how does that makes me feel? Keith!

[Mouth harp boings]

Thank you.

Attention, surgical residents
still hoping to have a job next year.

The annual blood drive is upon us

and I will be needing
a volunteer to greet our donors

as the hospital's new mascot,

the friendly hypodermic needle,
Mr. Prick.

We'll probably change the name.

I'm so sick of this. If the jobs were
given to whoever is the best surgeon,

I would get all three
of those damn spots.

It's the same on medical.
The only reason I got

that oncology rotation
is I let Dr. Morgan take me

- to his brother's wedding.
- Ricky Morgan?

- He works in the cafeteria.
- What?!

- What.
- Listen, kissing ass

is just the way it's done around here,
and there's nothing you can do about it.

We have to all band together and
agree not to be exploited by Dr. Kelso.

From now on, we will only be judged by
our skill and abilities. Who's with me?

That's right! That's right!

From here on out,
no more getting him coffee,

no more washing his car,

no more taking his son
to the local steam baths to meet men.

Well, hey, you guys got him coffee.

"Together" on three. One, two, three.

- Together!
- Let's go!

What are you doing?

Chief of medicine said
to pay special attention,

and I take a couple of seconds
to get to know my patients.

So, first question,
are you allergic to any...?

[Janitor] Psst!

- What?
- I need some advice.

- Which do you prefer?
- What's the occasion?

Me wiping up gunk.

I was cleaning Kelso's tie rack
and I assumed I could have it.

The Armani is very affective on urine,

- whereas the Yves Saint Laurent is...
- No, no.

What? Where'd he go?

[J.D.] Carol's family welcomed me
as one of their own.

No more than her brother, Larry.

- Eagle!
- I told you not to call me Lawrence.

And I told you I never get dizzy.

OK. Let me tell you guys
why we are here.

Carol is starting a journey, OK?

Obviously, the chemo is gonna be
tough, but we're all here for you.

Anything you go through,
we go through together.

So you've all banded together.

I honestly never thought I'd see the day
when we would pick the three surgeons

who would care for people of this
great hospital based solely on merit.

I hope you're proud of yourselves.

This is a preliminary ranking
of your technical skills.

So whenever you get a chance...

[J.D.] Life in a hospital
is constantly humbling.

Whether it's making you realize
you're not as skilled as you thought...

Fourth?! I'm fourth?

... or as on the ball as you thought.

- How's Mr. Sommer doing?
- Actually, sir...

He's perfectly fine, sir.
He's in tiptop shape.

Good.

Ow! What, are you wearing, a cup?

People try to hit me there
more than you'd think.

[Tapping]

[J.D.] The key is to be ready for it.

I was not ready for this.

Since Carol is gonna lose her hair,

we decided we'd all shave our heads now.
He even agreed to do the cutting.

You're up next, big guy.

I mean, come on.
You're all in this together, right?

[Whirring]

I can't believe
you all shaved your heads.

How great. Even Nana.

And you don't look creepy
or alien-like at all.

Are you ready to run the extra mile?

[J.D.] You can't let him know
you don't want to do this.

Meet his gaze. Meet it twice as hard!

Dr. Dorian, we need you.

Mr. Bentley's condition
is getting worse.

[J.D.] God bless his herpes.

I'm gonna go take care of that man.
When I come back...

[J.D.] Pause for effect.
Pause for effect.

...we're gonna shave this thing.
- Yeah!

Yeah! Oh, yeah!

How the hell could I be fourth?!

I know Bonnie's good
and Figsack has mad hands,

but somehow, I keep forgetting
that Todd is a skilled surgeon.

How come you didn't page me
about that consult?

I did. You're wearing
your garage door opener on your hip.

Ladies and gentlemen, number two.

Kelso's gonna kill me.
I can't find Mr. Sommer.

Did you look
between Mr. Spring and Mr. Fall?

- Too easy.
- Hey, you know...?

- More armor?
- No.

Actually, I am sneaking trays out
of the cafeteria. I'm building a shed.

This is partially your fault,
so you're gonna help me.

You know, whenever I lose something
in the morgue, I just retrace my steps.

Right now,
I'm looking for something,

and I know I came
to the vending machine,

then I dropped a quarter,
which rolled over here,

and, yep, there you are.

As soon as you take your eyes off 'em,
you lose 'em.

They're like children.
Big dead children.

I treated that girl at the free clinic.
She was born without nipples.

I knew there had to be something wrong!
She's too perfect.

I was kidding, J.D. I have never
seen her in my life. Kelly Ripa!

- I told you it would catch on.
- I don't think it's funny.

How's that leukemia patient doing?

I'm hiding.
I really don't want to be bald.

I have a suspicion
it won't work for me.

It might accentuate my spoon-chest.

- Yeah.
- Plus, the girl I'm dating

is totally into my hair.

She's got to be interested
in more than just your hair.

If it weren't for your hair, I don't
think I'd be remotely interested in you.

I'm sure there's
something else she's into.

No, there's nothing else.

There is. Even if she won't admit it.

You know what, I'm stuck.
I have to shave this down.

You don't have to go the extra mile.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.

What happened to the days
when you used to listen to me?

That was a long time ago.
You should listen to me.

Not in this lifetime.

Listen, Newbie,

you're not a completely, terribly,
horrible, incompetent doctor.

While I would never let
any blood relatives be your patient,

if it was someone that I knew,
an acquaintance,

I might be OK with you treating them.

Thank you.

The only thing you owe Carol
is to treat her the best you can.

Hey, where you been?

Oh, Larry, man.
I don't think I can shave my head.

What about Carol?

She'll be OK. She has all you guys.

- You look over there.
- Mm-hm.

Excuse me, nurse.

Hi! How 'bout a poke?

I have a husband, OK?
And he's big and he's black and...

Baby, baby, it's me! But I do love
that you go to that big and black stuff.

I can't wait to bear
the fruit of your loins.

Baby, wait!

This is the only way I can suck up
to Kelso without the surgeons knowing.

There you are.

- You're not Mr. Sommer.
- No, I'm not.

No harm done.

What's up... with y'all?

[Turk] Ahh!

Hey, Dr. Turk. What happened to you?

I found the latest issue

at a comic book store
a mile and a half away. Here you go.

Actually, I ran there in a
foam needle suit, but you don't care.

Thanks, Dr. Turk.

Christopher,
I heard you were sweating the rankings.

No. I'm married
and trying to have a baby.

Not having a job
would be a big boost for me.

You're a good surgeon. Plus,
your bedside manner is really important.

There's no one on that list who
spends more time with their patients.

Are you saying I have a job?

If you are trying to "Kelly Ripa" me
right now, I will freak out.

I got a job!

Well, the good news is,
his head isn't in the storage room.

I once found a head. It's a funny story.
I put it in my locker.

I didn't have time to get
to Lost and Found, forgot all about it.

Come back to work on Monday,
open my locker, whoa! Head!

Plus rats! I panicked.
I didn't know what to do.

I grabbed the thing
and ran up to the roof, punt it,

and I shank it wide-left.

It's heading straight down, right
for Kelso sitting in his convertible.

I'm done.
I'm out of a job, right? Wrong.

At that second, a hawk flies in,

grabs the thing and flies off with it.

I know what you're thinking. We're
in a city. What's a hawk doing there?

I can't believe you get a locker
and I don't.

Dr. Reid, I need
to meet you in Radiology

to go over some test results.

Yeah, it's over, Ricky.

I know you're stealing trays. Stop it.

Buzz off.

Carla, the orderly
lost my chart for Mr. Tyler in 406.

Would we have his dosages?

You put him on penicillin, but he was
allergic, so you put him on vancomycin.

Thank you.

Wish you put some of that crazy-nurse
memory to use on our missing dude.

Well, he was an older guy

and he was on an IV,
so he couldn't have gotten very far.

He was jittery and he had this
weird circle tan line on his arm.

It was the nicotine patch.
He was trying to quit smoking.

Should I not be out here?

There he is, Mr. Spot on His Lungs.

Don't worry, we'll pop that lung out,

get it to the dry cleaners
and have it back to you after five.

We like to have fun.

I made up that whole hawk story.

Yeah. I know you're not as weird
as you want people to think you are.

[Clangs]

[# Tammany Hall NYC: Someone]

Whoa! Nana! How you doing?

Looking hot in the tracksuit.
Gym's on the second floor.

[J.D.] Date time.

Dude. There you are. Two things.

First, aliens are here
wearing tracksuits.

- Oh, no, that's Nana.
- Second... I got a job.

- Nice.
- If you hadn't pushed me

to do that extra mile stuff,
that wouldn't have happened,

so thank you.

You got a hottie waiting for you
at the bar. You go get her!

- Where were we?
- Do I smell banana conditioner?

That's one of my conditioners, yes.

[J.D.] As great as this was, I couldn't
stop thinking about what Turk said...

This girl really digs hair.

It's hard getting what happens
at the hospital out of your head.

Ah!

How was your first stress-free day?

Horrible. You?

Worse.

Let's make a baby.

If it doesn't work this time,
I'll kill myself.

Not helping with the stress.

[J.D.] I knew if I didn't
leave that bar and go back,

I'd never be able
to enjoy any of the simple things,

even a woman eating my former bangs.

Voil?.

[Cheering]

See, that's the thing
about being an extra mile guy.

You never know
who it's gonna rub off on.

"Sister Blanche, I've got
a little birthday remembrance for you."

[High pitched Southern accent]
"Oh, have you, Stanley?

I wasn't expecting any."

- "I hope you like it."
- Aw...

- You're hating this, aren't you?
- No, that's not it at all.

I don't believe for a second
that you really want me to leave.

You gotta feel it, Lyle.
Get involved.

What do you people say?
Let's take it from the top?

"Sister Blanche, I've got
a little birthday remembrance for you."

Again. Do it with some force.