Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 7 - My Way Home - full transcript

[# Toto: Africa]

[J.D.] Living with Elliot
was certainly different.

Every inch of her apartment
was filled with girly stuff.

There were lavender-scented candles...

... pink robes...

... bath salts.

It was awesome.

My first day off in weeks.
Only one thing could make it better.

Cranking up the Toto.

# I bless the rains down in Africa

[mumbles]



Mango body butter?

Mmm.

[Pager beeping]

[J.D.] Even though it sucks
being paged by an intern,

there was nothing I like more
than riding my scooter, Sasha,

through puddles after a rain.
And here comes a big one!

Where was I?

You're not aware of any sort
of odd underground canal system

beneath the hospital, are you?
I think I saw a manatee.

- Was his name Julian?
- We didn't exchange pleasantries.

That's Julian.

Watch it, wet paint.

Kelso's starting a line system
to help people around.

Green's gonna go to the
smokers' lounge, blue to the ICU,



- yellow to all the exits.
- What's red for?

Sneaker painting.

OK, I'm here.
What's the emergency, Keith?

Do you want Mr. Fleming
on unfractionated

or low molecular weight heparin?

They're the exact same thing.
Every doctor here knows that.

- Why would you page me?
- Because I told him to.

And I know what you're thinking,
Dorothy.

Why would I have your intern call you
in on one of your very precious days off

for something so gosh-darn trivial?

But the real question ought to be,
why, when you were an intern,

did you call me in time after time
after time after time?

So now, to commemorate the first of many
unnecessary disruptions of your life,

I've invited Laverne's church choir here

to summarize my feelings
in exuberant song.

# Payback is a bitch
Payback is a bitch

# Payback is a bitch
Payback is a bitch

# It's just the beginning

# But it's payback
Oh, it's payback

- # Payback is a bitch
- # Payback

- # Payback is a bitch
- # Payback

- # Payback is a bitch
- # Oh, Lord

# Payback is a bitch #

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know I'm no Superman #

# I'm no Superman #

[J.D.] I gotta get home
before anyone asks me to do stuff.

Fat guy! Go, go, go!
Move out! Move out!

Thank you, fast food industry.

Dorian, I need you to do the residents'
call schedules for next month.

Sir, I'm not even supposed to be here.

Me neither, son. I was one
of the most promising young shortstops

ever to come out
of Altoona, Pennsylvania.

Then came the Dominicans.

Long story short, calling them all Pepe
was apparently just racist enough

to get me a ban
from the Appalachian Rookie League.

Have the schedules on my desk by lunch.

That's gonna be us someday.

How does that not make you nervous? I
mean, what if our kid's out of control?

I was watching Webster last night.

Webster got all into the pancake mix.
I mean all into the pancake mix!

Oh, Turk, that's a stupid sitcom.

[Both gasp]

I mean, that's a sitcom.

What if the second our baby's born,
I start screwing things up?

- [Lullaby music]
- [Turk cooing]

Oh, baby, I can't believe it!

[Babies screaming]

OK, either the heat
in my office is broken

or I drifted off and fantasized
about Rudy Giuliani again.

[Laughs] He's not even sexy!
Right, baby?

- Rudy, don't stop.
- Baby!

Relax, she's only fantasizing
'cause you don't satisfy her.

Anyhoo, can someone
take Jack for a minute?

- No problem!
- Thank you.

Come on. See, Turk? I'm great with kids.

You don't have to check in as a parent
until you to teach our son about sports.

And satisfying women. 'Cause I know
how to satisfy a woman, right, baby?

I'm sure you can.

That's what I'm talking about.

Done. And I am outta here.

[Pager beeps]

Damn it!

Keith, stop paging me
for totally unimportant things.

[Groans]

That man's chest cavity is completely
open. I can see his heart beating.

He sneezed
and all his surgical staples popped out.

Good page, Keith, good page!

OK, rocktors... That's my name
for doctors who rock. Next patient.

[J.D.] Since her fellowship,
Elliot loved that her interns

saw her as an endocrinology expert.

Dr. Reid, why would Mr. Baum
develop new onset diabetes

and high blood pressure
simultaneously?

Well, as an endocrinology expert,
in my expert opinion,

both can be expertly explained by an
adenoma causing Cushing's syndrome.

Hate to burst your bubble, Barbie,

but your endocrinology fellowship
lasted all of five days.

Granted, to you,
five days may seem like an eternity,

seeing as it's roughly five times
as long as any

of your pasty relationships
have lasted,

but trust me,
that hardly makes you an expert.

Really? Because you never
went to ass-face school,

but you seem to be
an expert at that. Am I right?

Here's some!

You're going to high-five that?
Big mistake!

I didn't know what I was high-fiving.
I gotta stop doing that!

- Did you eat my Mango body butter?
- No.

I schmeared it on a bagel.

Dr. Kelso, what's up?

I just heard that we're doing our
first ever in-house heart transplant.

I know you'll be objective in choosing
which surgical resident assists,

but I also thought you might enjoy this
commemorative Dr. Kelso bobblehead.

Oh, Bobbleheads.

You think you're gonna get bored
with them, but you never do.

[Repeating] Bobbily, bobbily.

- Sir?
- [Sighs] Huh?

Oh, Turkelton, you're still here.

Did you think you'd be the only surgeon
to walk in here and try to bribe me?

Inflatable-five.

None of you will be assisting because
we still don't have a donor heart.

Last night, Mr. Bolger here
was declared brain-dead.

We have to convince his family
to pull the plug and give us his heart.

Whichever one of you Benihana rejects
pulls this off gets the operation.

Go!

My band has decided we're only
singing songs from classic movies now.

Ted, I'm a little busy, OK? Toodles.

Dr. Reid, what are the possible
cardiac complications to thyrotoxicosis?

[Coughs] Hmm. Um...

...hold on,
I just have to blow my nose.

[J.D.] Though I was happy
for Elliot the endocrinology expert,

I couldn't figure out
how she knew so damn much.

# Just a steel town girl
on a Saturday night

# Looking for the fight of her life

To answer your question, thyrotoxicosis
can manifest with incessant tachycardia,

leading to a cardiomyopathy.

# Locking rhythm with
the beat of her heart

# Changing music into light

# She has danced
into the danger zone

# When the dancer
becomes the dance

# It can cut you like a knife

# If the gift becomes the fire

# On a wire between will
and what will be!

# She's a maniac, maniac

# On the floor

# And she's dancing
like she's never...

Therefore, Mr. Langley's pancreatitis
is most likely secondary to gall stones.

- [Bangs bed pan]
- Wrong-o, Perry!

Mr. Langley's pancreatitis is
most likely due

to type I familial hyperlipoproteinemia
as demonstrated

by the eruptive xanthomas
on his Achilles tendon.

Interns, flee, now.

Now, there is just no way you
could have known that off the top

of your straw-covered scarecrow head.

Hold on, I need to take a mental
picture of your humiliation.

- [Clicking sounds]
- Got it.

There are actually many things
in life that I've yet to figure out,

like why men wear
cell phones on their belt

when they could so easily fit them
in their pocket, millimeters away.

Or why, and I'm not complaining,

women wear tube tops even though every
ten seconds it makes them to do this:

"Get back in there!"

But, of all of my endless queries,

the one thing I damn sure
will figure out, and soon,

is how you keep coming up
with all these fancy-pants answers.

It is, for all intents and purposes,
like they're falling from the sky.

- [Jack crying]
- Excuse me!

Can anybody else
watch this kid for a second?

[Groans, sighs]

She'll be all right.
I wonder what's taking Jordan so long.

Oh, my God!
It's like 130 degrees in here!

- [Electricity zapping]
- Oh!

I have got to get out of here!

[Sighs]

I think the silicon
in my lips is expanding.

[Moans]

I gotta talk to the Bolgers about their
son's heart, but I can't find them.

- Oh, they're in the doctors' lounge.
- Oh, my God, Laverne, I love you.

If any other surgeon asks about them,
you send 'em someplace else.

The cafeteria, the zoo, I don't care.
I'm going to get my heart!

We're just not sure, Dr. Turk.

[J.D.] When an opportunity
is slipping through their fingers,

even a doctor can succumb
to one of the basest human impulses.

You know, I've donated an organ.

[J.D.] They can lie.

See, my buddy, he was... he was sick,
and so I gave him one of my kidneys.

But my son has only one heart.

But a short time after that,

I donated my other kidney.

We're gonna check on our son.

[J.D.] The coast is clear. Just a few
more steps and you're outta here.

- [Jack crying]
- J.D., I need to talk to someone.

- Here, take him.
- What?

- I'm not...
- Come on.

Hey, wait! No!

Dr. Reid, our hospital lecture series
is tonight and our psychologist,

Dr. Burk, had to cancel his talk
on fear of public speaking.

Why? Because he's afraid
of speaking in public? Yeah.

No. His depression finally got
the best of him and he hung himself.

Anyhoo, we need a speaker and Dr. Cox
suggested you'd be the perfect person

for an intensive Q & A on endocrinology.
Be in the classroom at six.

And Barbie, say, if it's cold in there,
you can just borrow my lab coat.

It's super warm
because I lined it with these.

J.D., I have to admit this
to somebody: I don't like kids!

What? You're the most maternal person.

I'm a nurse! I'm trained to fake it.
I don't see what's so adorable.

"You made a poopie!"
I'm supposed to be impressed?

There's a monkey
at the zoo who can do that.

When he's not
playing with himself.

If you don't want to have a baby, don't.

But I want to have a child with Turk
more than anything in the world.

It's crazy, but I'm a girl.
It's how we roll.

[Elevator beeps]

What am I gonna do?
I'm supposed to be the brave one.

Dude, you gotta help me out.

[J.D.] A hospital can sometimes
feel like a magical place,

where people's hopes and dreams
are often far from ordinary.

[Chorus bops theme
from The Wizard of Oz]

Whether they're looking
for brains, a heart or courage.

[Continue bopping]

As for me, I was just gonna
keep on following that yellow line,

and hope I'd eventually get back home.

[Bopping continues]

- So how was the zoo?
- It was awesome.

They had lions and tigers and bears.
Oh, my! Hey there.

Dude, it was awful.
I couldn't stop lying to them.

I only have two moves. If surgery
goes well, the fake modest nod and wink.

Now, if surgery goes bad
and the guy dies,

there's always
the head-shake, sad walk-away.

- Turk, Toto and I are going home.
- Fine!

- OK, I'll help.
- Thank you.

How do I tell these people
they should let their son go?

Try and imagine
what they're going through.

I think about what it's
gonna be like when you die.

You think I'm going first
due to my diabetes.

Right. Where
do we meet up in heaven?

At the milk shake pool
on the lesbian cloud.

I'll see you there, player!
I love religion.

If someone tried
to pull the plug on you

without being honest,
you know where they'd end up?

Hell, watching The View.

Next to the super-high,
unreachable cupcake table.

[J.D.] After trying to get out
of the hospital vertically,

I decided to go the horizontal route,
hiding in a body bag.

- [J.D.] Can you press "lobby" please?
- [Screams]

- [Clanking]
- [J.D. Screams]

Doug! Why are you hitting me?

I thought you were dead,
coming back to life!

- Then why were you hitting me?
- Dead people should be dead!

- There you are! Come on.
- No, no!

Elliot, I'm not even supposed
to be here today! I'm going home!

So if I understand correctly,
you left my only child

with a creepy, borderline psychotic
who hates everyone.

That's different
from leaving him with you?

- I have freckles.
- Oil can. Oil can!

- Thank you.
- Hey, you. Where's my son?

He's playing
with the birds out on the ledge.

- [Gasps] What?!
- I'm kidding!

Come on. He's green.

[Laughs]

Come on.

The little nipper
got ahold of a paint gun

when I was painting this line
to the smokers' lounge.

Thanks to him, I got halfway down.

You look familiar.
You ever play ball in Pennsylvania?

Pepe?

Mr. Bolger, look,
before you throw me out of here...

I just want to apologize about earlier.

I don't know what I was thinking.

But rest assured, from here on out,

whatever you ask me,
I'll be completely honest with you.

Do you shave your head because you like
the way it looks or you're going bald?

Bald.

OK, next question.

Those topical treatments... Let's just
say I wasn't completely functional.

Why are all the surgical residents being
so relentless about my son's heart?

Because whichever one
of us convinces you to pull the plug

and donate his heart gets
to assist in the transplant.

You're talking about my son here.

And you don't even know him.

What's his name?

Ray.

How you doing, Ray?

Now ask me if I think
it's the right thing to do,

even if you request
that I don't assist.

Do you?

Yes.

I'm really sorry.

There is no way
I'm gonna pull this off!

I'm going
to have a roomful of specialists

firing questions at me. I'm gonna
be a bigger fraud than Barry Bonds!

You know he's an athlete of
some kind. Just say something general.

Still, I love it when Bonds wins
at the game that he plays.

You know how people
become specialists?

They obsess about the material
over and over again

until it's lodged in their brains.

That's exactly
what you've been doing. Watch.

Where's the closest page
you've hidden around here?

You are good!

All right, look.

What's the leading differential
in an obese woman

suffering from amenorrhea
and hirsutism?

Polycystic ovaries.
Oh, my God. I knew it! Up here!

Dr. Cox?

Pay no attention
to the man behind the curtain.

Why aren't you freaking out?
Look at him.

Your kid's all green and slimy.

I suppose it's because,
when Jordan was pregnant,

I mentally prepared myself
for her giving birth

to something green and... slimy.

- Where is Jordan anyway?
- The wicked witch of the east wing?

Help! I'm melting in here!

Anyone! Help! I'm melting!

So he's green.
Don't beat yourself up, Carla.

Come on. So far, on my watch,
he's gotten stitches,

cut his own hair
and eaten over four dollars in change.

Honestly, if I ever need
to feed the parking meter,

I just check the diaper, don't I?

You don't understand.

I didn't dump him
on the Janitor because I was busy.

I dumped him
because he was working my last nerve

and I wanted to smush his face.

I'm not meant for this.

Carla, look at me and Jordan.
You know how we hate everyone?

Yeah.

Well, that goes doubly for children.

True. They're loud,
you can't understand them,

they're like tiny cab drivers.

But trust me,

when you do have your own kid,

you won't feel that way.

Yeah? What'll be different?

He'll be yours.

[Chatter on TV]

- [TV off]
- I was watching that.

Why don't I just
tell you what happened?

Philip gets Webster the dog
despite George's objections.

It was good. Now, on your feet.

They need you in the OR
to assist on the heart transplant.

The Bolgers said yes?

Mr. Bolger wanted you to have this.

- His son's driver's license?
- Turn it over.

[J.D.] Every so often, a wizard comes
to tell you what you need to hear.

Seems like you had a heart all along.

- Superior vena cava?
- Right.

Yes!

See? You had the brains all along.

Trust me, Carla.

When you do have your own kid,

you're gonna find you had
the courage to be a parent all along.

Thank you.

[Chorus] # Ooh, ooh, ooh

# Ooh, ooh, ooh

# Somewhere

# Over the rainbow

# Way up high

# Ooh

# There's a land

# That I've heard of once

# In a lullaby

# By-hi-hi

# Someday I'll wish upon a star

# Wake up where the clouds
are far behind

# Me-e-e-e

# Where troubles melt
like lemon-drops

# High above the chimney tops

# That's where you'll find me

# Somewhere

# Over the rainbow

# Bluebirds fly

# Birds fly over the rainbow

# Why, then,
oh, why can't...

- Dorothy, you're going home, are you?
- Yup.

# If happy little bluebirds fly

# Beyond the rainbow

# Why, oh, why

# Can't

# I

[chorus] # Ooh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh #