Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 23 - My Urologist - full transcript

One reason interns have so
much trouble putting in chest tubes

is because it is a violent procedure.
You must not be scared, though.

You need to use force to get
the tube between the ribs,

then pop it through the pleura. What
do you say there, Lis? You can do this.

Uh, Dr. Cox, I'm not so sure
I'm comfortable with this.

- You lost my teaching mannequin.
- I don't know what happened to it.

Hello, carpool lane.

[Janitor] What movie do you want to see?

Inserting chest tube.

Lisa! God, he was joking!

Yes, I was, Lisa.
Now take the rest of the afternoon off



and think about what you did.

This is a warning, people.

Anybody else who hurts Keith is going
to get the same treatment as Lisa.

Good day.

Nothing like watching
your boyfriend get humiliated daily.

Purple nurple!

[Screaming]

Baby, look at this! I'm starting to look
like a big fat pregnant lady.

No, you're not. You look like
you let yourself go a little.

[Crying]

OK, that came out wrong.
But baby, it's OK.

You're overreacting because your
pregnancy hormones are taking over.

It's fine. These past few days,
your moods have changed like that.

That is not true!



- That's cool.
- I'm sorry.

Let me kiss the owie.
Kiss the owie.

Baby. Oh, I want to do it right now.

You don't want to
do it now. This'll pass.

This is happening.

You're damn right this is happening.

My mom.

I can't believe she'll
never meet her grandchild.

Do you want to start with kissing,
or get to the good stuff?

What is wrong with you?

When will you learn?
[Groaning]

[J.D.] Turk talking
to a new staff member.

Give her a special treat and say hello.

Hello!

J.D., I'm sure you know Kim Briggs.

Uh, no, you big knucklehead, I don't.

On behalf of everyone
here at Sacred Heart,

I'd like to say konichiwa.

- I've been here five years, big guy.
- I know that, Kim.

It's a game. What's your name? Turk.
What's that guy's name? I don't know.

It's a patient. Looks like a Dave.
Are you Dave? We don't know.

- Torture him about this.
- Will do.

Peace out.

How come I never
noticed her before?

Because she wears a wedding ring.

You don't notice women
who wear wedding rings.

- [Turk] Kim was here on your first day.
- That's enough.

[Turk] She was at Ben's funeral.

- Dude, she's been around.
- # Everybody was Kung Fu fighting

# Ne-me-ne-me
Me-me-me-me-me #

So because she wears a wedding ring,
she's invisible to me?

- Yes.
- Please, T. I'm not that shallow.

Oh, really? Will all women
who are married in the area

please remove your wedding rings?

[Scoffs]

Thank you.

Dr. Feinberg?

Anastasia?

Gift shop girl.

Hey, J.D.

- I thought you died.
- No, I just got married.

But I sent your family flowers.

I know. You bought them from me.
It was kind of weird.

- Gift shop girl!
- [Girl] What?

- Stop that!
- Sorry.

# I can't do this all on my own

# I know that I'm no Superman

That's backwards.
It's been bugging me for years.

# I'm no Superman #

How are we doing, Mr. Peters?

[J.D.] I had checked up on Kim.
She got along with everybody.

All the guys liked her.

Cover up, sailors. Chick on deck. I need
extra towels for the ladies' room.

Oh, I got a towel for you.

Yah!

- [Fast swishing sound]
- Thanks, Todd.

All the women liked her.

[Fast swishing sound]

I just love that every woman
knows how to do that.

She even got along
with the greasers.

I know everyone gives you a hard time,
but trust me, this look is coming back.

I never got a synchronized snap
from the greasers.

Mr. Peters, having a gal urologist
might seem a little uncomfortable,

but the penis is
just another excretory organ,

so let's take the stigma off of it.

Now, this is the length
of the average penis.

What?!

That seems about right.

Good for you. I was just messing
with Dr. Dorian over there.

You know what?
I'm not talking to any of you guys.

I know, right?

You lie...!

Oh, my God!

Keith, I know we have plans tonight,
but I am way too tired.

No problem.
I'll call you tomorrow.

Hey, girls. Listen,
Perry got uppity with me for,

and I quote, "spending $20,000
we don't have on shoes,"

so to get back at him,
I'm treating everyone to drinks.

- I'll go.
- You told Keith you were too tired.

I think Keith and I might be done.

What?!

Dorian, can I borrow
that pencil for a second?

Just one second? Thank you.

[Fake Italian accent] Oh, no.
I snapped the pencil.

- It's from my standup act.
- Where do you perform?

I'm at the Giggle Pit
every Monday at sunup.

- I'll have to come by sometime.
- Do it, man.

Wait, I'm mad at you.
You stole my video camera

with the scenes from Dr. Acula,
the movie I'm making.

Why do you think I stole it?

I was surfing the hospital's Web site
and I saw that someone posted

the "Dr. Acula delivers
a baby then eats it" scene.

Someone with the screen name "Rotinaj."

"Rotinaj" is just "Janitor"
spelled backwards, Rotinaj.

Morning, Dr. Rotinaj.

Good morning, Mr. Clean-Up-Man.

Mr. Peters, I looked at your CT scan
and I recommend we don't do surgery.

Great.

This is goodbye,
but I leave you in the capable hands

of Dr. John D. Dorian.

You take care.

I gave you a new middle initial.
It reassures patients.

The "D" stands for "Dallas"
because I told Mr. Peters

that's where I lost my virginity.
Don't know how we got down that path.

Something about that old man
makes me want to open up.

I hope you like your new initial.

I don't mind it a turtle's wink.

Wait, you only pepper your
conversation with cute animal imagery

if you're smitten.

- Could you lend me a pen?
- Quick as a porcupine's hiccup.

[Sexy jazz music]

All right, there's only
one problem with this.

[Record scratches and music stops]

OK, see ya, J.D.

Kim, wait.

Unfortunately, there's no way
I can make you mine,

unless I make you mine...

...for eternity.

Dr. Acula, don't stop!

Vampires like it windy.

Why are you breaking up with Keith?

Look, Keith is sweet,

but after watching him
get walked on again,

I feel like I need
a stronger man in my life.

I want what you have, someone to stand
up for me when I need it, you know?

Someone as confident as Turk

or as brave as Dr. Cox or as...

I'm sorry, I don't know your husband.
What are some of his good qualities?

Well, he was a roadie for Jimi Hendrix,
and when it rains,

he carries me to the car.

And you guys have
been together, what, 60 years?

I'm 48, and I'm done here.

My bad. Yeah.

I don't want Keith to go.

Elliot, I don't want Keith to go!
[Crying]

There, there.

What? "I'm pregnant. I'm crying.
I'm laughing." Enough already!

It's boring.

Listen up, nametags.

I need to wire some cash
to my son so he can make bail.

Apparently, the musical he was producing
was just a front for a crystal meth lab.

Here's the kicker: He fled to Toronto.
The freaking Mounties are involved.

Anyhoo, I need somebody to
zip out to my house and grab $400.

I'll do it.

I shouldn't be mopping here anyway.
This is a rug.

[Sloshing]

Don't let him in your house, sir.

He'll steal everything you've got
like he stole my camera.

You know the difference
between you and me?

Your melon-sized prostate, sir?

I will never fear this man.

- You think I'm afraid of you, chief?
- No, sir, I do not.

Look, I keep my extra cash in a pickle
jar on the top shelf over the sink.

Enid wants that jar so bad
she can taste it. [chuckling]

Oh, right.

You don't remember she's paralyzed
and can't stand out of her wheelchair.

- That's why you're not laughing.
- No, Bob.

We're not laughing
because we're all horrified.

Well, it tickles me.

[Sloshing]

Huh.

OK, honey, I know Elliot upset you
with this whole Keith thing,

but listen,

we're all gonna be extra, extra
sensitive so you don't get riled up, OK?

I'm wearing red.
Should I not be wearing red?

She's pregnant, she's not a bull.

I know you think I'm just
being crazy, but Elliot,

you should not give up on Keith.

You say he's not strong enough because
he gets stepped on at work,

but that's what it's like.

You're doing what we do when we
get into a serious relationship,

freaking out and
trying to poke holes in it.

Remember when I started dating Turk
and I wanted to bail on him

because he cried at the end of sex?

- Baby!
- Relax, Brown Bear.

There's no shame in cry-maxing.

And you know how hard
single life can be. Just ask Kim.

Wait. Kim's single?

Yeah. She's been divorced
for over a year.

She wears the ring at the hospital
so she doesn't get hit on.

Turk, keys!

Yahtzee!

Hey, girl. What are you doing?
Want to get some coffee later?

- And then, the ultimate Cox-block.
- [Cox whistles]

Hey. Why isn't Mr. Peters
in there getting surgery?

I decided against it.

She thought it would be best
if I treated him medically.

First of all, Newbie,
nobody's ever thought that, ever.

Secondly, she's a cutter.

When is the last time you met
a cutter who didn't want to cut?

Laverne, you've been here 40 years now.
You ever heard of such a thing?

I'm gonna kill somebody.

I guess we all get mad when people
say things we don't want to hear.

Elliot!

I'm sorry, but you can't
leave until you promise me

you'll think about it with Keith.

Oh, my God, Carla! Will you
please just butt out of this one?

Especially when things feel a bit fishy.

- Here's your cash.
- Oh, thanks.

Hey, is that a new coat?

Yeah. Just picked it up.

Where did you get the money to buy it?

Mmm, I don't think that's
any business of yours.

Still, it's always good
to hear the truth.

Surgery is really
the only thing that has a shot

at curing this guy,

and the reason that
she's not going to do it

is he's older and has heart issues,
which makes him high risk.

And if he were to drop dead
on her operating table, well,

that would make her
surgery stats go down.

And that wouldn't look very good on
a young doctor's r?sum?, would it?

Even if it means losing respect
for someone you might like.

What can I say? You got me.

Damn.

Hold on. Dr. Turk,

I covered your gastric-bypass patient
last night. He left a message for you.

- What'd he say?
- You are square.

- [Greasers laughing]
- [Tires squealing]

Stupid greasers.

Oh, here comes Kim.

She had all night to think.

She'll probably be
in a shame spiral. Let's enjoy it.

- Oh, hey, fellas, how you living?
- Large!

What!

What, was I not supposed to answer?

I wasn't the only one
having relationship problems.

Sorry about the way I left last night.

We're OK, right?

Until you receive further notice,
consider us not speaking.

I know you took my money
to buy that ridiculous coat.

I bet you can't prove it.

Enid, you are my eyewitness.

Did he take more than $400?

Enid, is that a new pantsuit?

You think you're
pretty smart, don't you?

All I think is that leather
never goes out of style,

and if you keep money in a pickle jar,
you should know how much is there,

and it won't hurt to buy your invalid
wife something nice

so she can feel pretty.

These are just general thoughts
about life, nothing specific to you.

- Mmm, that was nice. Thank you.
- That wasn't me.

- Hey, dudes.
- Don't "hey, dudes" us.

- You know what bothers me?
- Non-threatening colloquial greetings?

It bothers me that a doctor won't help a
patient so she could keep her stats up.

- Yeah!
- Look, J.D.

Surgery's competitive.
We do what we must to get ahead.

My best friend here's a surgeon,

and he'd never pass
on risky surgery to keep his stats up.

Actually, I have done that.

- Everyone has.
- Oh, my God!

Out of here! Dr. Cox, please weigh in.

Well, it's no secret how I feel
about surgeons. I hate them.

I'd liken them to rocks,
but that would insult rocks

because, you see, at least rocks
are useful to society.

We build bridges, throw them at guys
wearing phones clipped to their heads.

It's a phone. You can't do this?

- However...
- Now, back to the crux of the matter.

Hit her, Per!

However, it is not Dr. Briggs' fault

that she works in a broken system.

Top hospitals are only
interested in hiring surgeons

who they think are flawless.

That's not the answer you
thought you'd hear,

but as always, I don't care.

Thank God he didn't see this.

Yeah, Mom, I was listening
the whole time. I just couldn't talk.

[Groans]

[Kelso whistles]

Looks like somebody took their new
titanium eight iron with a leather grip

and went to town on your van.

Well done, sir.

What? You think I did it?

Too bad you can't prove it.

Really?

I think I need to take more...

... blood.

What the hell is this?

It's Dorian's camera. This must be
a scene from Dr. Acula.

You ain't taking no more blood
from my ho-slapping hand.

I will pimp slap you!

This feels really racist, J.D.

- Why can't I be a vampire?
- Because it's my movie!

Now, let's take it from the top and
I'm not gonna ask you again, blacker!

- Blacker.
- Yes, please.

- Blacker.
- [J.D. Screaming]

[Hissing]

Now comes the good part.

Prove that!

And that! And that!

And that! And that!

Yeah!

What do you want?

So, hey, I thought you
might be hungry.

You enjoyed the pancakes
I left on the computer?

No, but I enjoyed the 3,000 ants
crawling on my keyboard.

There's two doing it on the F button.

I could be wrong,
but it looks like two girls.

- What do you want, Elliot?
- I wanted to apologize.

- Well, save it.
- Look, Carla, I...

You must be bored
with this friendship

when all you do
is take, take, take.

The most embarrassing thing is
you don't realize you do it.

Because, at the end of the day,

you're nothing but a spoiled, selfish,
neurotic girl from Connecticut

who has absolutely
no idea how to...

OK, that's enough!

I don't know what you are fighting
about, but it doesn't matter.

No one's allowed to be that mean to my
girl, especially when she's apologizing.

- Are we clear?
- [JD] Nobody speaks to Carla like that.

It was cool getting to know you, man.

The irony was Keith was
yelling at the one woman

who was trying
to save his relationship.

I'm sorry, Elliot.

And even more ironic
was that it looked like she had.

- Thanks for standing up for me.
- Yeah, totally.

I think Elliot finally seeing
who Keith really was

made me understand
why I was so upset with Kim.

[# Aqualung: Easier to Lie]

Look who's happy again.

- Yeah, well, it's just...
- J.D., one sec.

I'm on the phone with my mom.
She just got her RV fixed.

Mom, I gotta go.
You can call me from the road.

My mom loves the road.

I finally figured out
what bothers me so much about you.

Well, lay it on me, studly.

It's the way you're so concerned
about protecting yourself.

I mean, no one in this entire hospital
has a bad thing to say about you,

and I'm guessing that's because you're
careful not to rub anyone the wrong way.

And you still wear your wedding ring.

That prevents any guy
from getting anywhere near you.

You wouldn't operate on Mr. Peters,

and we both know how you're
protecting yourself there.

I don't know. I guess, in the grand
scheme of things, it's not a big deal.

I was a little disappointed to find out
who you turned out to be.

I'll see you around, Kim.

See you.

- I don't want to do this.
- No problem.

I'll give the tape to the police.

Ladies and gentleman, this is
your chief of medicine, Bob Kelso.

"I feel compelled
to tell you that I do,

in fact, fear the Janitor.

Honestly, is there anyone else
with such a brilliant mind?"

You planned this, didn't you?

The whole being mean thing,
so that Keith would stand up for me.

Oh, thanks.

- You didn't plan a damn thing, did you?
- No, I snapped like a twig.

Please don't tell her.

Anyway, I guess people
can always surprise you.

Who's Dr. Briggs operating on?

Your patient, Mr. Peters.

"So please join me in basking

in the glow of the Janitor's awesome:

...this isn't a word.
- Read it.

"Fearitude." Good night.

[Imitating Edward Murrow]
And good luck. I loved that movie.

I saw you did that surgery
on Mr. Peters.

Did you decide
it was the right thing to do?

No, actually, it was
a stupid career risk.

Then why'd you do it?

Because for some reason,
I find myself

really caring about
what you think of me.

Oh.

Cool.

[Kim chuckles]