Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 22 - My Déjà Vu, My Déjà Vu - full transcript

[J.D.] Today started off on a high note.
Ernie, the homeless guy,

shattered the record
for the most blood donations in a month.

Whoo!

Congratulations, Ernie.

Nineteen pints!

- He probably needs a little more juice.
- Yes.

[J.D.] Even though we were
sending Ernie upstairs

to most likely get some
of his own blood back,

I couldn't help but smile.

Today, Dr. Cox was
returning back to work

after the accidental death
of three of his patients.



OK, there he is.
Just play it cool.

What is the latest
on Mrs. Riley up in 403?

Mrs. Riley was admitted
with shortness of breath

and then she developed a...

[J.D.] Stay cool. Stay cool.

Aw, screw it!

You sent those demons right back
to hell, didn't you? Straight to hell!

OK, here's a bud
clearly in need of nipping.

Newbie, there are some things
that, if they happen,

we do want to make
a big deal out of them,

a cure for cancer,
teaching dogs to talk,

and you walking past the food cart

without referring to cream cheese
as "cow fudge."

I like to play with words.



However, of all the things there
are to make a big deal out of,

can my return to this hellhole please,

please, please not be one of them?

Well, sure thing, Perry.

But, uh, there is one problem.

[All] # Welcome back

# Your dreams were your ticket out

# Welcome back

# To that same old place
that you laughed about

# Well, the names have all changed
since you hung around

# And them dreams have remained
since you turned around

J.D.!

That's when the background comes in.

# Who'd have thought they'd lead you?
Who'd have thought they'd lead you? #

That's a run I was gonna do,
but now is awkward.

It's unbelievable.

[J.D.] Since Dr. Cox was back, I decided
to knock out all my errands extra quick.

And what better way to get started than
with my new 18-wheeler scooter horn?

- [Horn honking]
- [People screaming]

First, I grabbed a quick lunch.

Then I returned some e-mails.

- [Brakes squealing]
- [Truck horn honking]

Finally, a shortcut through
the mall parking lot,

which meant dealing with the skate rats
and their famous ring o' fire.

[J.D.] Ring of fire!

Whoo-hoo!

Top that, dude!

Sasha!

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know
I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

[J.D.] With Sasha
back in the scooter shop,

I decided to buy a bike
and get some exercise.

I can't remember
what happened to my old bike.

Ow.

- Nice helmet.
- Actually, it's not a helmet,

it's a hair-met.

See, it's got extra room built in
so you don't mess up your hairdo.

I'm gonna go ahead and write you
a prescription for two testicles.

You get it filled whenever.

[J.D.] That's weird. It felt like
that had happened before.

When you work at a hospital five years,

situations are bound
to repeat themselves.

You know, doctor, I'm getting tired
of your sexual innuendo.

In your end-o.

Dr. Kelso, it's so cold in Pediatrics,
the kids are wearing mittens.

Hey, champ, what has two
thumbs and doesn't give a crap?

Bob Kelso. How you doing?

That's what d?j? vu is,

feeling like you've lived
the same moments a thousand times.

Whether it's Turk's tepid response
to the baby stuff Carla makes him do...

Friday, we meet the baby-proofer
at the apartment.

Oh, I can't wait!

... or Dr. Cox giving
Elliot a hard time...

Barbie, why did you order
this test? For the love of God,

are you a real doctor
or a doctor like Dr Pepper's a doctor?

Or the Janitor having
menace in his eyes.

That looks like trouble.

Hey, come here a sec.
We want to do stuff to you.

OK, just distract them before
they do what they've got planned.

- We were thinking...
- I got a riddle for you.

- This isn't how you said it would go.
- Troy. We're listening.

Two coins add up to 30 cents,
and one of them is not a nickel.

I think I've heard this before.
What are they?

It's a riddle.
You figure it out.

Troy, get your hat.

We're going to the bank.

Look who's back, Mrs. Goldstein.
It's Dr. Cox.

How was Acapulco?

We told everyone
you were in Acapulco.

I never went to Acapulco,
Mrs. Goldstein.

I lost three patients and spent
the last two weeks on my couch

trying to drink myself to death so that
my victims and I could be reunited

in the afterlife and they could
rightly have their vengeance.

I realized that that tactic
would never work,

as I'd be sent straight to hell,
which, I imagine is a lot like Acapulco,

only there'd be fewer Latin men
trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach.

All the best.

Is there a reason
you're still near me?

We covered Mrs. Goldstein while you
were gone, but she's your patient.

Her BP's dropping. It might
be time to push thrombolytics.

Yeah, but she could bleed out.

I suppose you could wait
and see how she does.

Then she could decompensate.

Well, those are the two options,
so what are you gonna do?

I'll be right back.

Did you guys just see that?

Dr. Cox had to make a decision,
he completely froze.

He's probably just
thinking it over, Elliot.

He never used to think things over.
He made gut calls right away.

Listen, Reid,

normally any damage
to Dr. Cox's oversized ego

would be cause for celebration.
Yet, for some reason,

I'm not wearing a party hat, sitting
bare-ass on the hospital copier machine.

You know why? It's not because
I have "Johnny" tattooed on my butt.

He was a Navy buddy. If you went
through what we did, you'd understand.

[J.D.] Again with the d?j? vu.

It's because
your little theory is way off.

If you don't want to be there
for him, it's your decision.

But I'm going to be.

J.D. Robs the ball!
Black guy open!

[Hissing]

No ball in the hall.

[Both] Sorry, Leonard.

I wouldn't be mad
if that was the first time.

They come three to a can.
Why you playing basketball?

I thought you had
to have lunch with Carla.

She's taking a pregnancy nap
so I get to do whatever I want.

I'm telling you, J.D.,
Carla being pregnant is awesome for me.

[Turk] I get to watch whatever I want
while she reads her pregnancy book.

- I get to eat all the good food.
- Echhh.

And, of course, ring of fire.

Ring of fire!

[Cheering]

[Turk] Bottom line, pregnancy's awesome!

OK, two coins, equals 30 cents,
no nickels.

I could swear we've done this before.

You went to Yale for God's sake!

Relax. I figured it out.

A penny...

and... a button

that you wrote "29 cents" on.

You think I don't
recognize your handwriting?

Can't we just kill him?

How's therapy going?

- Dr. Cox, do you have a second?
- Of course.

- I was wondering...
- You're done.

- What?
- You asked for a second.

I think you'll find I'm being quite
literal here at work today. Ask anyone.

Lonnie, what happened earlier
when you said, "Give me a break"?

You broke my sunglasses in half.

Had to be done. The man
looked preposterous in aviators.

You still haven't made a decision
about how to treat Mrs. Goldstein.

Oh, thanks for the reminder, Barboo.

What would I do without you?

Look, joke if you want to, but
you're gonna have to make a decision.

Mrs. Goldstein's life depends on it.

But what if I'm wrong?

All right. She'll have a ginger ale,

he'll have a beer,
and I'll have an appletini.

Hell, I'm gonna have a real drink.

- Make it a nectarini.
- I don't know what that is.

Oh, come on, Kevin.
You know. Make it.

Make sure I don't have too many
nectarinis. I gotta drive my bike home.

Don't worry about it. Carla can't drink.
She'll drive you home.

- Right, baby?
- Sure.

- Sweet.
- Better idea,

come over to our place,
she's going straight to bed.

- We'll stay up late, watch Judge Dredd.
- Ninety-ninth viewing!

OK, ice cold beer, nectarini

and ginger ale.

There's nothing better in this world

than the first sip of
an ice cold beer after a long day.

Ditto for a 'tini.

- It really takes the edge off.
- That's it.

No beer for you. It's not fair.

I'm here pregnant, you two
are having the time of your lives.

From now on, if I can't do it
you can't do it.

- Carla, that's ridiculous!
- Not you!

Fair is fair, Turk.

Incidentally, dynamite nectarini.

That man knows his way around nectar.

I used to just look into
my gut and know what to do.

Now I got all this self-doubt.

Barbie, you got
massive amounts of doubt,

romantically, professionally,
personally. How do you deal with it?

Treadmill, crank the incline up
to 15 and just run through the tears.

Look, Dr. Cox,
I know that you're scared,

but, believe me,
your gut is still there.

You just have to have
the courage to listen to it again.

You really think so?

I know so.

Push thrombolytics.

Thank you, Barbie.

I'm just glad you let me help.

[J.D.] There's no better feeling
than helping someone out.

Laverne, Dr. Cox made a decision.

He wants to push thrombolytics.

Yeah, I know.
He told me that three hours ago.

What?

Maybe that's why it hurts that much more
when you end up looking like a fool.

This is why the headache
didn't go away.

It's actually pronounced analgesic,
not anal-gesic, all right?

The pills go in your mouth.

Elliot, do you ever get
d?j? vu around here?

Barbie, there you are. Thank God.

Unfortunately, yes.

As you know, I can't make a decision
without your help, so here goes.

On Oprah, there's a story about
Lindsay Lohan's eating disorder,

but on E! there's a story about Lindsay
Lohan's fabulous new Tribeca loft.

Don't get me wrong, I want to watch
something about Lindsay Lohan.

I'm just a little lost here.

FYI, that loft is Lohan-tastic.
It's vintage Lindsay.

When you walked away
from Mrs. Goldstein

anyone could've thought
you were in trouble.

I had to go the bathroom, Barbie.

[Whistles]

People, from now on, if anyone needs
to take a leak, please notify Dr. Reid.

It is a pet peeve of hers.

[Mocking] "As it is a pet peeve."

- Oh, really? You think that's funny?
- A little bit.

- Carla, Turk's drinking coffee.
- No!

If your pregnant wife can't
have coffee, then you can't.

Please have some sort of nut.

[Inhales]

Hazel.

Careful, Turkelton.
First, it's no coffee.

Next thing, she'll want you
in the delivery room,

holding her hands while she pushes
the little bugger out.

My man will be there
when his baby is born.

Of course he will.
It's a different generation.

Know this, 90 percent of all childbirths
are accompanied by an accidental dookie.

Dude, I'd be a mess if I had to give up
my joe. I have a full-blown addiction.

Hopefully, that won't
come back to haunt me.

Where did you get this?
Who taught you how to use this thing?

You, all right?
I learned from watching you!

Damn it, Billy!

At least he's using good beans.

Guess I'm gonna look like
a porn star when I'm older.

Hey, we solved your stupid game.

Yeah, we've been to the li-bary!

"Brary," Troy. Library.

Two coins that equal 30 cents,
one of them not a nickel?

A penny and...

...a 1972 dime with a Roosevelt
imperfection, today worth exactly...

...twenty-nine cents.

OK, no.

The correct answer is
a quarter and a nickel.

No, 'cause you said
one of them isn't a nickel.

Right. The other one is.

You lied to me.

It's a riddle.

Oh, your face is red
like a straw-brary.

Don't have kids.

Excuse me, Dr. Reid. I just wanted
to let you know I'm going to pee.

What a jackass.

I hate it that you two
aren't getting along.

I'd get you together to talk,
but you're stubborn.

I'd never be able
to do it on my own.

Well, there is one way.

I don't want to hear
Floating Head Doctor.

Elliot, save it. He's gone.

Fine, fine, fine.
I will apologize to Elliot.

I don't know how
you'll get her to talk to me.

Oh, don't you worry about that.

Body! Get her!

Get a good night's sleep.
Hey, put me down!

I'm talking to a patient here!

[EIliot] What are you doing? Oh!

Well, she's dead.

Stupid, stupid body!

Oh, you want some of this?

Too slow!

A little late!

Oh, nice try.

J.D., don't worry about it.
I'll handle it.

[Sighing]

- Head fight body again?
- They can't get along.

I don't get it.

Turk, what are you doing?

- You can't ride the bike.
- Why not?

It puts too much pressure
on my cervix.

Baby, I don't have a damn cervix!
And how else am I supposed to exercise?

You can do everything that I do.

You can have yogurt, you can listen
to classical music, gently rub my belly.

You know what?

That's it.

What's it?

What do you think you're doing?

You better not open that.

You better not... OK,

but you better not drink it.

Fine, but you better not enjoy it.

Ahh!

Did you just bitch-slap my beer?

Are you calling me a bitch?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

Baby, you OK?

I feel funny.

You know,
I've been thinking about it

and only you could go through
all that stuff you did

and come out the other side
the same mean-spirited jerk.

Barbie, please. They're about
to show Lindsay's breakfast nook.

In fact, in the five years
that I've been here,

you're the only person
who hasn't changed one bit.

Well, that's not entirely true.
Since the arrival of my son,

I think I've become more patient.

Plus, I can't believe these words
are coming out of my mouth,

I've learned that not all of Newbie's
ideas are completely ridiculous.

Do you love it as much as I do?

Well, with me, you've never been
anything but an unsupportive bastard,

and you know it.

You have it on the chart he called me a
bitch because he wanted to drink, right?

I don't really have
a section for that.

Well, put it under family history,
it's part of ours now.

All you had was a little round
ligament pain. It's common.

I'll meet you outside.

Babe, I'm sorry.

You know what?
This was actually kind of nice.

How was this nice?

You being here with me,
all concerned.

It feels like since I got pregnant,
everything's changing for me,

but nothing is changing for you.

So yes, you can drink.

Just maybe not do it in front of me?

And sometimes, when I'm reading
my pregnancy book,

maybe you can ask me about it?

And occasionally, on a Friday night,
when I'm too tired to go out,

maybe you can stay in
and get fat with me.

I can get fat?

The bigger you get,
the tinier I'll look.

- Oh.
- Come on, come on, please.

How's Mrs. Goldstein doing?

Fine.

OK, lookit.

How's about we act like adults here
and lay our cards on the table?

You know you're not exactly
my favorite person in this dump.

And I say that knowing full well
you feel the same way about me.

I started an "I hate Cox" chat room.
Hasn't worked out the way I planned.

It's me, two interns
and 14,000 lesbians.

How about we just agree that
we're never gonna be that close?

We could, except for one thing.

I know we have our issues,
but I always respected you.

And you haven't given me more than
an ounce of that since I started here.

I didn't go in that bathroom
to take a leak.

I went in because I was petrified

that I was gonna make
the wrong decision about Mrs. Goldstein.

I didn't want anybody to know,

because it is so very important to me
people see me the way they used to.

Bulletproof.

And hopefully, admitting this
to you will make you feel...

...respected.

It does.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

[# The Weepies:
The World Spins Madly On]

[J.D.] It's understandable
why I've been feeling so much d?j? vu.

After five years,

it's hard not to feel like you're
repeating moments week after week.

Gotta run. They're doing
a breast reduction on three,

and I want to get up there and stop it.
You know what I'm talking about!

Son, do you not realize

that you're nothing but
a large pair of scrubs to me?

[J.D.] So I guess
all you can do is try to notice

the subtle differences
within those moments.

Whether it's Turk's response
to the baby stuff Carla makes him do...

Friday, we meet with
the baby-proofer at the apartment.

I can't wait.

... or it not bothering Elliot
when Dr. Cox gives her a hard time.

Barbie, why did you order this test?

For the love of God,
are you a real doctor

or a doctor like
Julius Erving is a doctor?

[EIliot laughing]

Of course, sometimes, things are gonna
repeat themselves in the exact same way.

What the hell?

It's a riddle. Two guys destroyed your
bike with a softball bat and a crowbar.

One of them wasn't me.

Oh, that's what happened
to my old bike.

Ha!

- Good day, fellas.
- See you tomorrow.

Troy! This one's over.