Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 24 - My Transition - full transcript

[J.D.] It's springtime at Sacred Heart,

and the whole hospital
had that end-of-the-year smell.

Gloria, I need you to change
the dressing on Mr. Kerns' wound.

And I need you to suck it.

Wow, Gloria. Do you kiss your

great-great-great-great-great
grandkids with that mouth?

# Zoom-zoom-zoom #

Ted, that's funny.
Where's the chuckle?

The bank foreclosed on my house.

- Where's your mom?
- She's out in the car with the cats.

Dr. Kelso celebrated spring
by wearing his golf shorts



to flaunt his oddly
youthful legs.

Take them in, people.

I shaved for you.

[All groan]

Tell your Daddy what you just did.

I made a poopy in the potty.

You know, son, as a doctor,

I spend a lot of my day
dealing with other people's poop.

And I'm not going to lie to you,
Jackie, it gets old.

Now that's, that's not to say

I haven't enjoyed waking up to
a fresh brown trout in your Huggies.

Besides, you're gonna do the
same thing for me some day real soon.

And yet, aside from actually
seeing you being born

and that time Wayne Gretzky said,
"What's up" to me in line at the bank,



you out of diapers is the best
thing that's ever happened.

It truly is. Now why don't you go into
your room and play for a little while

because we're going
to celebrate grown-up style.

All right, get this over with. I need
a nap. I've been exhausted all week.

- Yippee!
- No kissing. Hands behind your back.

Let's go.

Yep, love was definitely in the air.

Hey, Kim. How'd you like
a night on the town

with the hottest doctor
in this place?

I'd rather just go out with you.
Oh! # Zoom-zoom-zoom #

- You "zoom-zoom-zoom"?
- Of course.

- I invented the zoom-zoom-zoom.
- Oh. Cool.

Liar!

So, Josh, you are suffering from
a condition called phimosis.

It's basically a hardening
of your foreskin.

As part of your treatment, I'm asking
you to masturbate five times a week.

Help the poor kid out.

Wow, five times a week, huh?
For me that would be cutting back.

He said in front of
his future girlfriend.

You know what?
I should probably mosey.

[Groans]

[Gasps]

Looking forward to our date.

See you around 6:00.
Wear something slutty.

# Zoom-zoom-zoom! #

That's mine.

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

- Oh. You like that?
- Wow, I felt it move.

- Todd, you're touching your crotch.
- I know. And I'm loving it.

Hey, tubby.

J.D., come here.
I want you to feel something quick.

Ow!

Don't call me tubby.

Pregnant witch.

Hey. There's Kim.

She and Elliot bonded over an ability
to communicate at a speed of light.

[Talking at a very high speed]

You'd have to slow it down
for humans to understand.

The shower's going to start at 4:00,
there's going to be food and games.

You're such a good friend. I got her
a present, but since we're not close

I'm just going home
to get ready for my date.

Oh. Hey, you.
I'm psyched for tonight.

Best thing about a date with J.D., if
you're having Chinese and want Mexican,

you walk to the other
side of the food court.

We are not going to the mall, Elliot.

I was making you dinner,
then go to karaoke,

but I'm not sure how to
do both in the same night.

Unless, of course...

J.D. Not Floating Head Doctor.

Too late. I'm already there.

Body could stay home
and prepare the feast.

And as always...

Head would handle entertainment.

# Don't go breaking my heart

# I couldn't if I tried

# Oh, honey if I get restless

Stop hogging the mic!

Body, come!

[Bugle march music]

- [Crashing]
- [Crowd] Oh!

[J.D.] Stupid body.

I gotta do everything myself.

[Grunting]

# Ooh-hoo, nobody knows it

Clap with me, clap with me!
# Nobody knows...

Head loves karaoke.

I'm up for anything.
I married my high school boyfriend,

the only first date I went on
was in tenth grade.

It began with me in
the back of his Miata

because his friend called shotgun

and ended with us going to
the arcade to, and I quote,

"Eat pizza and beat up nerds."
And I married that guy.

Well, trust me, Kim.
I've beaten up many a nerds in my day,

but tonight's about you
having the best first date ever.

All right, slugger.

- Bye!
- You don't have anything planned.

You had to soil the food court thing.
It's veal piccata night at Sbarro's.

I'd help, but I'm
planning a baby shower for Carla.

I am going to make this cafeteria
look totally different.

# Baby, baby,

# Baby, oooh

# I want my baby back, baby back, baby
back, baby back, baby back, baby back

- # I want my baby back, baby back
- # Chili's

# Baby back ribs

- # I want my baby back ribs
- # Barbecue sauce

- # I want my baby back, baby back
- # Chili's...

Ted, what the hell?

It's the only song we know
with "baby."

I want my money back.

- What money?
- What? I lost my house.

Give me a break.

Fun, right?

No one is mingling.

Why are the morgue guys
so damn cliquey?

I want yellow.

I wish I had cool morgue friends.

Hey guys!

- [Carla] Ooooh!
- [Turk] Oh.

Laverne, I didn't know you knit.

I sure do. Mr. Roberts doesn't have
one pair of store-bought socks.

I'm gonna knit you a muzzle.

Those are all from us.

[Jordan] It's just Jack's old baby crap.

We're really excited
to get rid of all that stuff

and watch you guys suffer
through the hellish

relationship-ruining nightmare
that is the baby phase.

- Open something.
- Go ahead.

- Those are my workout pants.
- Uh-huh.

She's been trying to get rid of
those, but I'll be honest with you,

I love them cause they're so comfortable
and you can get them on real quick.

You ain't lying.

Baby, check it out.

Wonderful. Thank you.

Why can't we just talk to people?

This is the baby games station.

Once we start,
people will join us.

OK, guess what flavor
baby food this is?

- Cab driver feet?
- No, Keith, it's turnips!

You got it wrong,
finish the whole jar!

You guys, this is so much fun!

[Gagging]

Where the hell are
all your intern friends?

Listen up, interns.

Notice the definition
in the upper calf.

Look at it, damn it!

See that?

Back in 'Nam, the choppers would hover
eight feet above my head, I'd jump in.

You should've seen
the look on Charlie's face.

Not the enemy, son,
the pilot, Charlie Ross.

Great guy. He didn't make it back.

- Where's the cake?
- Eight feet? I don't believe it.

Believe that, missy.

I have to get ready. I want
my date with Kim to be perfect.

What do you think about a romantic
horseback ride on the beach?

- Like we did for your birthday?
- Yeah.

- Except this time with two horses.
- Why not take her to your deck?

You guys can lie out
and look at the stars.

Unfortunately, I can't.

My deck has become sort of a cruising
spot for older gay gentlemen.

Get off my porch, you old queens.

[Disco music playing]

Who's is this?

Who's is this?

You find somewhere else to hang out!

I know for a fact Les Mis is in town!

I tried turning my hose on them,
but they liked it.

If anything, good luck, buddy.

[Barbershop quartet]
# Barbecue sauce

[J.D.] I didn't need luck,

because this was going to be
the most romantic first date ever.

Your steed, my lady.

J.D., I've never ridden
a horse on a beach before.

[Kim chuckles]

And upsie-daisy.

Woo! No saddles?
You going to be OK riding bareback?

No problemo.

What's so hard about riding bareback?

[# Nazareth: Love Hurts]

Oh, that was amazing!
Wasn't that so much fun?

Oh yeah. That was awesome.

Thank you.

Is this for when we
buy the baby a dog?

No. It's a baby cage.

It's a good one, too.

When I was a kid,
mine didn't have these windows.

It's perfect. If you go out for dinner,
it's got a water bottle,

so you throw some cedar chips
in there so the baby can poop,

you're made in the shade.

I'm kidding!

It's for when they
buy the baby a, uh, puppy.

Oh!

[Laughter]

This one's from me and Keith.

He's here in the bathroom,
throwing up summer squash.

Let's see here.

Oooh.

It's a preggy-teddy.

I got it at that new
maternity lingerie store at the mall.

I had a conversation with
the sweet, old lady who owns the place.

Not many pregnant women shop there.
It's mostly just fat whores.

- [All] Oh.
- I got to get me one of those.

Say, Bobbo. You want to
weigh in on pregnancy sex?

- It's a freak show.
- You've seen an ultrasound.

They have eyes, they have hands.

How do you think they're going
to react to an intruder?

[Grunting]

The baby can't
grab me down there.

- The baby can't grab me down there?
- No, baby.

I called an ambulance, but you
should really let me examine you.

Oh, no, no.
The date continues.

I'm a urologist. And there's a
good chance you have testicular torsion.

In which case, you could lose
a testicle. Come on. Off with the pants.

Looks like my plan is working.

Detruser function is normal. One is
significantly larger than the other.

Actually, that's a
pre-existing condition.

- So the right one's always been bigger?
- Yes. Wait.

- Your right or stage right?
- Let me test the retraction.

Retracted.

OK, the date's not going
exactly as planned,

but you can still save it with your
legendary gift for small-talk.

So, you're from Texas, huh?

They say that's the Lone Star State.

What exactly does that mean?

My boobs are so big right now.

I think Dr. Fishman threw in something
a little extra when he did my chin.

Would you, would you like to see
something really, just, beautiful?

There goes all of
Jackie-boy's baby stuff.

No, Mom, playpenlbaby cage
is not like tomatoltomahto.

I hope you're not beating
yourself up about this.

Sorry, I wanted to do
something fun for our first date.

No. It was so much more fun
then, then you think.

I mean, the first seven
or eight minutes rocked.

Admittedly, it was more
like work after that.

But at least I got
to third base with you.

And there it was.

The moment where pity was turning into
genuine affection. Classic Dorian.

I feel like we kind of
missed first base.

Me, too.

- Well, maybe we should fix that.
- We should.

And then it happened.

[Dramatic music]

- [Man] Elliot Reid. Moment Killer.
- [Machine gun sound]

What's up, guys?

Tell me every detail about the date.

- We went horseback riding on the beach.
- Yes. I've been on that date.

- Really?
- What? I had a coupon.

I wasn't the only one
to have an uninvited guest.

[Groans] You know what sucks?

I didn't even eat any of that crappy
shower food and I still feel nauseous.

In fact, I've been nauseous
for, like, two weeks.

[Gasping]

I've been exhausted all week.

My boobs are so big right now.

Yep, I'm pregnant.

I pooped in my bed
so I put it on the TV.

Forgive me, but since
I had a vasectomy last year,

nay, two vasectomies, I feel,
I feel I just have to ask.

- Did you cheat on me?
- No.

- And you know me. I always tell.
- Oh, that's true.

That's pretty much why
we work well together.

Are you responsible for this?

What are you talking about?

I'm selling my old mop.
The 2007 s are in.

Sorry.

All right, Kim's right there.
We spent all morning crafting a line

so raw with confidence,
that if you pull it off,

- you're back in the game.
- I'm afraid, Mocha Bear.

I know. Buck up!

- Hey, Kim.
- Oh, hey, J.D. How're you feeling?

Well, uh...

...the swelling's gone down...

...for now.

You're an idiot.

Go out with me again tonight.

Oh, J.D., I'd love to, but I'm
going to a Neil Diamond concert.

With who?

[Dramatic music]

- [Man] Elliot Reid. Moment Killer.
- [Machine gun sound]

- What's up? Are you psyched?
- Hey.

- I'm so psyched.
- Me too.

[Imitates Neil Diamond]
# Everywhere around the world

# They're coming to America

Could I, uh, could I
have everybody's attention, please.

Jordan's pregnant.

You get over here, you!

- Not a hug moment, sweetie.
- Right. Yes.

[Talking in high-pitched voice]
No. But Dr. Cox,

here I thought you and Jordan were done
trying to have any more babies.

We were, but my vasectomy didn't take

which, apparently,
is not that uncommon.

[High-pitched voice] Holy crap, Dr. Cox.

That must have really pissed you off.
[Regular voice] Yes, it did.

What is, what is your name?

[High-pitched voice]
Oh, I'm any generic hospital worker

who happens to ask you a question

about your pregnancy
andlor any baby-related issues.

[Regular voice] Isn't that nice?

This morality play was made
possible by a grant

from the Just See If
I Was Kidding Foundation.

[Chuckling]

- Do you want to do it, or should I?
- Let's just do it together.

[Mimicking baby scream]

[Turk and Carla laughing]

That's from The Simpsons.

Ah, yes.

I'm having a heart attack.

Did you guys hear what
Jordan and Dr. Cox and did

to the doctor who botched his vasectomy?

Go Ted.

# I want my baby back, baby back, baby
back, baby back, baby back, baby back

# I want my baby back, baby back, baby
back, baby back, baby back, baby back

# I want my baby back, baby back,
baby back, baby back

- Dear God, when do they say "ribs?"
- [Cox] Never.

They never say "ribs."

# I want my baby back, baby back, baby
back, baby back, baby back, baby back

# I want my baby back, baby back,
baby back, baby back...

I heard ten minutes into it,
he started eating his face.

He did.

You know what J.D.'s got planned since
it's his day off and he's dateless?

[Engines revving]

This is my first scooter rally.

Do you want to be Ponch or Jon?

I can imagine what Jordan and
Dr. Cox are feeling right now.

Do you really think
we can handle this?

I don't know.

[Elliot] I can totally
picture J.D., too.

[Cell phone ringing]

Oh, hey, Mom.

No, I'm just hanging out alone tonight.
I didn't have anything else to do.

[Knocking on door]

We want to give you
your stuff back.

We don't feel like
dealing with that right now.

- How about now?
- Oh.

Come on in.

Ugh. I hate cleaning up
after those messy old queens.

Ooh, appletini?

When did they start
drinking straight guy drinks?

Mmm. It's fresh.

[Kim] What's up, chicken butt?

Hey, Kim. What happened
to Neil Diamond?

I haven't seen Keith in a while,
I'm gonna take him.

Kim's letting me off the hook.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

- What's up?
- Nothing.

It seems like good friends
always come through for you

- You like?
- Oh, well.

You know, I could,
I could wear them out to dinner.

- With a sports jacket?
- No.

It's OK. Don't get up.
I got it. [groans]

- OK.
- It's only your child.

Look, I feel like I can
give you a list of things

that are sucky about being pregnant.
For starters,

I'm now horny as I've ever been
and my husband is repulsed by me.

Listen, if you really need it
that badly, I will suck it up

and shut my eyes so tight
and then do you.

- Thank you for the sacrifice.
- It's because I love you.

My point is,

even with all the crap,
I'm sure it's worth it.

I've seen how happy
having Jack has made you two.

And yeah, I know it's been hard,

but I know that neither one of you
regret any of it.

[Rattling]

What the hell is this thing?

That's Jack's mobile.
Actually, it's his third mobile.

The first two were
embedded in the dry-wall.

They can be quite frustrating
to assemble.

Do you remember when he was teething?
He'd stare up at that thing for hours.

Yep.

Why's your TV smell like do-do?

So, what do you want to do tonight?

Just hang here and look at the stars

until we're comfortable enough
to make out a little.

OK. I'm cool with that.

[# Neil Diamond: Delirious Love]

- Not yet.
- Let me know.

And like that, I felt like all was
right with the couples in the world.

[Hissing]

OK, now.

And right then, I knew this was the
start of something important.

[Knocking on door]

Two and a half weeks is too long
to wait for a third date.

I'm pregnant.

What now?