Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 19 - His Story III - full transcript

[J.D.] Turk and Carla were converting
my old bedroom into a nursery,

so I helped paint a mural
for the new baby.

- Done.
- [Carla] Oh, hell no!

Is that big, ugly one
shooting laser beams into the crib?

That's Optimus Prime.

I don't think he'd appreciate
you calling him the big, ugly one.

- No, he wouldn't.
- No.

Not Optimus.

If Junior gets scared,
he can always climb into bed with us.

- That's what I did with my mom.
- What do you mean "did"?

Last Christmas, I walked in on Turk
and his mom cuddling together in bed.



[J.D.] Turk gets defensive
when it comes to his mother.

You're jealous 'cause your mom's dead.

Whoa! We should probably take a break.

You'll finish building that crib
like you promised.

You are driving to the cemetery,
cleaning up my mom's grave,

and asking her for forgiveness.

I hate having to ask for forgiveness.

How's my mom doing?

I asked if she still hated me
and the sprinklers came on.

Give her time.
She's only been dead for three years.

But, baby, it's too soon
to be putting a nursery together,

test driving minivans,
or buying baby monitors.

[J.D. Over monitor]
I can't get this crib together.

And can somebody please
bring me a glass of water?



You go this time.

Thank you.

[J.D.] Thinking about Turk and Carla
becoming parents

made me think of my mom
and how much she probably misses me.

I bet she wishes she could see what life
is like around here through my eyes.

And that's why I strapped
my video camera to my head.

- Morning, weirdo.
- Lonnie.

[J.D.] It was the perfect idea.
She got to meet my superiors.

That's right, the old man
stole some ice cream.

[J.D.] I even got some great footage
of Dr. Cox.

- Where the hell have you been?
- I'm making a video postcard.

- Do you have a message for my mom?
- No.

But since she brought you
into the world,

I do have a message for her uterus.

Bad uterus!
Don't do that anymore.

She had a hysterectomy, but I'm sure
I can just edit over that part.

Let's go see Mr. McNair.

[J.D.] Mr. McNair
had locked-in syndrome,

a paralysis so severe
he could only communicate

through a computer
that responds to his eye movements.

Check his vitals, Eva.

[Computer] Why does he
call you a girl's name?

Thank you for asking, Mr. McNair.

You see, the thing about Dr. Cox
is the closer he feels to a person,

the more he needs to push them away.

When he calls me Eva, he's actually
saying, "J.D., I care about you."

- Vulnerable people like...
- [computer] Oh, my God. I get it now.

Carol. Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol...

- Now you're being a jerk.
- Carol...

- Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
- Carol, Carol, Carol...

- Newbie!
- What?

I'm relatively certain
the computer is broken.

- Carol, Carol, Carol...
- My bad.

[J.D.] I felt bad for Mr. McNair,
but I was off until six tonight,

so I decided to grab
a quick nap in the sun.

[J.D.] What the...? Ah!

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know
I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

- [Turk] Where the hell is J.D.?
- [Carla] He's off until six.

Any second now, he's gonna walk
through that door, lost in his thoughts.

[Janitor] With Dorian taken care of,
I'm not sure how I should spend my day.

I suppose I could clean.
[Laughs]

God help me,
that one still makes me laugh.

Oh, no, it's black Kojak
and Scary Nurse-Wife.

I'll get rid of them
with an innocuous compliment.

You are glowing.

[Janitor] Free and clear.

Have you seen J.D.?

Where am I?

Hello?

Anyone?

No, I don't know where he is.

[Janitor] I love that adrenaline rush
you get from lying to someone's face.

Do it again.

Dr. Kelso,

I must say that your nose hair is not
long and creepy like most old guys.

Thank you.

Hey, Perry, great shirt!

Wish I'd thought of athletic apparel
when going through my midlife crisis.

It'd have been cheaper than a
cigarette boat named Dr. Feelgood.

That laughing had better not be aimed
in my direction, bro.

Bro? Dude, bros don't even use "bro."
You're not as hip as you think you are.

And you are?

I'm black.

God knew my people
would go through struggles,

so he gave us a lifetime supply of cool.

Like he knew white people
would be rhythmically challenged

and he gave you this dance.

You're black?

'Cause, last I checked,
you had a nerdy white best friend,

you enjoy Neil Diamond,

and you damn sure act
like a black guy.

And these, my friend,
are all characteristics of white guys.

Now, please understand,
I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP.

That stands for the National Association
For The Advancement Of Colored People.

And quite frankly, I always thought
they should change "Colored People"

to "African-Americans."

But then it wouldn't be the NAACP,

it would be the "N quad A,"
or NAAAA.

I know this probably sounds
like a digression,

but it actually leads me
back to my original point:

Do I think you're black?

Nah.

Knock, knock.

[Janitor] Who's there?
Nurse Mophead.

Nurse Mophead, who?
You have a mophead.

Well, your new computer
should be here tonight.

She got out of here in a hurry,
didn't she?

I know what that's like,
when people say the minimum.

But with me it's usually,
"Mop that floor. Clean that counter.

Stop provoking that bear."

Want me to keep you company?

I don't mind. I'm just working
on my own stuff anyway.

I'm a bit of an inventor.
I'm gonna show you my latest one:

Pen straw.

Perfect. Ahem!

Except I don't like that cola.

It tastes like ink. [sighs]

But that's just one.
I got a million ideas.

I don't care if he is on the first
floor, I need this cleaned up now!

I'm here. Open up the window.

That was quick.

I call it the Hover Hoover.

Where suction meets the sky.

That's a good question. Only problem
is I've answered it five times.

Dr. Reid, would you mind
explaining to me

why you called the chief of surgery

to consult on a cellulitis patient
yesterday?

I wasn't even here yesterday.

Your interns were.
Their mistakes are your mistakes.

Whether it's an unnecessary consult,
or his ridiculous haircut.

This cost $60.

Let's hope your stylist
put that money towards rehab.

Darn it. I'm sick and tired
of your careless mistakes.

Why isn't this bleeder on telemetry?

I know you had a 12-hour
shift yesterday,

but that is no excuse for not
turning in your histories.

You dragged me to dinner
and made me play Scrabble all night.

How you spend your private life
isn't my responsibility, OK?

Fine. I'll do them tonight.

You're taking me to the movies.
Get on the ball.

All of you, go work.

Wow.

Aren't you the big badass attending?

It's time for them to sink or swim.
I got to where I am on my own, OK?

Nobody helped you out in the beginning?

Dr. Cox was my attending. He kept
track of the times he made me cry.

Twenty-seven, counting this morning.

Yeah, I'm PMS'ing
and he made fun of my shoes.

Laverne, what are you doing out here?

Tonight's date night with Mr. Roberts

and I like to prime the pump
by watching the young men sweat.

Hey, Dr. Cox, if I wasn't a black man,
could I do this?

That's game, all right!
That's game!

- You got next?
- Yeah, I got next.

They call me the Candyman
'cause my moves are so sweet.

They call me The Pig, because I say
sexist and derogatory things to women.

Lonnie, play with Dr. Cox.

Let's go!

- [Turk laughing]
- Ooh! Ooh!

[Turk laughing] Look at the glasses!
Look at the mouthpiece!

Dr. Turk is not aware that Lonnie
was all-conference at Villanova.

Would you go ahead
and thank what's-his-name for me?

- Jesus?
- That's him.

- Let's go.
- Take ball.

Lisa, why did you order
100 units of insulin for Mrs. Best?

No, that's only 10 units.
I put a smiley face after the zero.

Look, Lisa, you have to be crystal
clear with your medication orders.

- [Beeping]
- OK, it's causing a bit of a seizure.

Hey, Janitor!

Come here!
Hold her legs down, please!

[Janitor] This is it!
I'm in the show! Dr. Jan-itor.

We'll give her an amp of B50.

This is easy.
Just like drowning someone.

[Beeping stops]

OK. You can let her legs go now.
I think we're good.

I didn't see the demon leave the body.

I'm sure it did.

Hey, Janitor, good job.

Good job.

Dr. Reid will kill me
when she finds out about this.

Relax. I'll go talk to Dr. Reid.
It won't be a big deal.

What?!

I'm gonna make someone burn for this.
Who did it, Carla?

I didn't realize how much I picked up
from working here.

I heard her yell, "Hold this woman's
legs down," and I just knew what to do.

Good for you.

Now I've got to go meet my husband
at the bus station

and pretend to be a street walker.

Enjoy your date night.

[Janitor] OK, Mr. Cool Guy,
you had your moment of glory.

No need to make a big deal out of it.

Hey!

Slow down, buddy.
What's the hurry? Come here!

I want to tell you
a little story about a hero.

[Janitor] Know what? The hell with it.
It feels good to get a little attention.

I'll tell you one thing,
it beats falling flat on your ass.

Holy moly!

That would've been really embarrassing
if you were black.

Great.

Seriously, Carla, I need to know
who's responsible for this.

[Janitor] Or lying
to cover someone's ass.

I don't know.

It was just a clerical error.
There's no way to trace it.

Was I brave?
"Brave" is a pretty strong word.

Perhaps the better term is "valiant."

Off you go.

[Janitor] Anyway, for once
I didn't feel like a jerk.

Is he still talking
about holding that patient?

Give him a break. You know how hard it
is for us to bust our humps every day.

Imagine how it feels being here
knowing you don't make a difference.

# Drill-fork
It can drill and fork

# Mostly fork #

I don't care what those people said.
I know I make a difference around here.

Hey, Jill.

They don't know how different
it would be if I wasn't here.

Hey, Jill.

Yep, a lot of lives would change.

I am gonna prove that to them right now.

I am gonna fix your computer.

I just gotta get my real tools.
I've turned these into eating utensils.

Dig in.

- You know what time it is?
- [Janitor] 4:15.

- 3:30.
- Oh, thank goodness.

- I thought I was running late.
- [Janitor] I do love to lie.

Look at my face. Keith, what
does it mean when I'm frowning?

You're feeling insecure and suspicious
that I think someone on television

is prettier than you.

At work, Keith.

Ah...

Keith was half right.
This face means that I am suspicious.

I was reviewing records.

Mrs. Best received
an inordinate amount of insulin.

- I wanna know who screwed up.
- [Carla] Elliot?

You're wasting your time.
You know how interns stick together.

- They'll never rat each other out.
- I am sleeping with one of the interns.

Seeing as I've gotten Keith to pee
sitting down so there's no splatter,

I'm betting I'll be able
to get him to talk.

Keith!

Meet me in the caf in half an hour.

Keith, you better not
tell her who did it.

But Elliot scares me.

Elliot is a blonde, 108-pound ski pole
from a cul-de-sac in Connecticut.

I am an underpaid pregnant nurse
from the block,

who, over the next six months,
will become fatter and angrier.

- Now, who are you really afraid of?
- The fatty.

Be careful, Keith.

Oh, I love it!

And you know, they say it's
the safest thing we can do for our baby.

- Can we get it?
- No, no, no.

Let's take it back before somebody
sees me. As a matter of fact, get down!

Hey! [laughs]

[Dinging]

Hello, that's a nice ride, huh, Dexter?

[Honks]

Hate to bother you,
but could you explain again,

what's it like to be a young,
hip black guy?

You see, Dr. Cox, what I'm gonna do
is we're gonna pimp this out.

We're gonna throw some 22s on it,
put some spinners on the 22s...

Ooh! And a DVD player
so the kids can watch Elmo.

You're killing me.

[Janitor] Sometimes, around here,
it feels like humiliation is contagious.

Mr. McNair,
I didn't exactly fix your computer.

I think I might have voided
your warranty.

Elliot, I am not gonna tell you
who messed up with Mrs. Best.

Oh, no problem.
I just wanted to grab a cup of coffee.

Oh, and introduce you to my mom.

[Laughs] Mom.
That makes me sound so old.

I had C-sections with all my kids,
so everything is as it was down there.

Uh, very nice to meet you, Mrs. Reid.

You and Elliot
would have such cute babies.

She's only got about
five more years to pop one out.

- Have you ever seen chubby Elliot?
- Uh, no.

If you want to see it,
break up and wait a couple of weeks.

When she's depressed, she hits
a bag of Doritos like there's diamonds.

- Love you too, Mom.
- [Phone rings]

Ah! That's your dad.
How did you get this number?

Like her? If you don't tell me
which intern messed up,

I'll beg her to move here.

She's just a little weird, Elliot.
I can handle weird.

I'm sorry.

The light just hit you so perfectly,
I had to have a taste.

- No, not you.
- It was Lisa.

I would have told you earlier,
but someone told me not to.

Who told you not to?

Baby, you're not really bothered
by what Dr. Cox said, are you?

- You know you're my black prince.
- That's not it.

I know I'm black.
I'm reminded all the time.

Patient doesn't want a black doctor,

people think I know the score
to every NBA game,

and I told you what happened last week

when the new board member
met the surgical staff.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, what's up, dawg?

Nice to meet you.

It's not even about that.

It's about the nursery.
It's about that stupid minivan.

I don't know if you know this, but
overnight I went from Chris Turk, Stud,

to Grandpa Turk,
the guy who wears overalls

and does embarrassing dances
at cookouts.

You do that now.

But in a cool way.

Hey. Thanks to your little
telling-me-the wrong-time prank,

I was 45 minutes late
for my Oriental massage.

Which meant that instead of Pang-Wa,
I had to settle for Ching-Lau.

- So?
- Ching-Lau is a dude!

You know, I've accepted the fact
that you're useless around here.

Maybe you could just try a little
harder not to make things worse.

Know what he doesn't get?
I could have been a janitor anywhere.

When I got out of college, I had offers.
Morgan-Stanley, Dupont...

I even considered taking a year off
and cleaning my way across Europe.

But no, I chose a hospital.

I'm not kidding myself. I don't have
the most important job in the world,

but I work in a place that helps people,
and I thought I was part of that.

Who cares.

- Have you seen Carla?
- [Cox] Nope.

My turn. Have you seen how stupid you
look when you do your angry quick-walk?

Carla covered for one of my interns
and then lied to my face about it.

Come on. Of course she did.

If an intern got hammered and stripped
of what little self-confidence they have

every time they messed up,
there wouldn't be any left.

Luckily, Carla happens
to have been here long enough

to identify when someone
needs to be protected.

- These kids need to stand on their...
- Got that right, sister.

Because you definitely
got where you are on your own.

- You sure didn't give me any help.
- I didn't say I did.

[Carla] It's OK.
It's not a big deal.

- But Dr. Cox is gonna kill me.
- Dr. Cox doesn't have to find out.

Just promise you'll practice
repositioning the swans.

- I promise.
- OK.

Turk, I get it.

Having a baby changes things.

I just don't want to say goodbye
to the life we have now.

Well, baby, you don't have to.

We'll still have fun,
go to bars, go dancing...

- Really?
- No.

We'll have a baby.
That would be crazy.

Just focus on the positives.

For instance,
we'll still have lots of sex.

- Really?
- No!

But I can tell you that this is normal.

You'll get through it.

Come to think of it, what would
really help me get through it...

[humming]

[Giggling]

Man, you're gullible today.

Well, Mr. McNair,

I hope you don't mind me
hanging out all day talking to you.

I don't think you do mind.
I got a seventh sense about that.

My sixth sense is I can tell
when squirrels are afraid.

Anyway, I know you lost your computer

and I thought maybe you
were a little bit Ionely.

I've been Ionely around here
a couple times.

I don't know. I just hope I helped.

Nobody's buying it.
Your new computer is finally here.

Sorry it took so long.

- What time is it?
- 6:00.

[Yelling]

How was your day?

Cold.

[Janitor] Now help him up so he thinks
there's hope for our relationship yet.

[J.D.] Even though the Janitor
had kidnapped me,

when he helped me up, I felt there
was hope for our relationship yet.

Being locked up all day makes you
appreciate the things that matter.

[# Augustana: Boston]

Did I ever thank you for all the help
that you've given me over the years?

Don't sweat it.

[J.D.] Like the support of a friend.

The importance of family.

What up, dawg?

You know I'm down to play ball,

I just gotta drop Junior off with old
lady at the ducky park, yeah.

Yeah, then we're gonna hoop it up.

This isn't really gonna work for me.
I can't do it. I can't.

[J.D.] Or realizing you actually do
make a difference.

- And there you go, Mr. McNair.
- [Computer] Thank you.

Don't mention it.

I wasn't talking to you.