Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 18 - My New Suit - full transcript

Oh, what a cutie.
Where'd this little guy come from?

Doug found him
in some dead guy's colon.

Ugh!

- [Squeaks]
- Hey, little guy.

Doug's still pretty upset
about the whole thing.

Why would he live in there?

Diseased rodents shouldn't be
nowhere near my pregnant princess.

[J.D.] Carla being pregnant
changed everyone.

It made Dr. Kelso softer.

Oh, I think the children in Pediatrics
would love this little fella.

[J.D.] Carla's pregnancy
also affected Elliot.



OK, so we're both off in a few minutes.
Here's what's gonna happen.

- We're heading back to my place.
- Oh, yeah?

I'm gonna put on something
very naughty.

Awesome.

We'll have sex and pretend we
aren't using protection to make a baby.

- Un-awesome.
- Keith, we're doing this.

I need it.

[J.D.] As for me,
I bought a custom-made Italian suit.

Huh? What do you think?
I had it made for the christening.

That little mixed-race embryo
got a godfather yet?

J.D., that's something
we have to discuss as a couple.

You know what?
I'm not sure that suit works on you.

Thanks for your opinion, Carla.

But I'm much more interested
in what you all think.



- We don't love it.
- Well, who cares, Lonnie?

Because all that really matters
is whether or not America loves it.

[Italian accent]
For the last time, it's Americo.

And of course I love it. I made it.

He's a dynamite tailor.
Not sure why he's here.

You better put your scrubs on.
Herbert's back.

How you doing?

[J.D.] Due to his weight,
Herbert was a frequent visitor.

No one liked treating him.

It wasn't a mean thing.

See, with big people,
even the simple stuff is more difficult.

I didn't mind,
because Herbie was my man.

- How you feeling, Love Bug?
- Fully loaded.

Hey, it's time
for my sponge bath, right?

- I'll need three girls.
- Herbie, it's not a bathhouse.

We'll get those bandages off
later today, Mr. Brooks, all right?

- Uh-huh.
- [Cox whistles] OK, as you all know,

Sacred Heart is dealing with
a mountain of malpractice lawsuits

courtesy of bumbling interns,
clueless doctors and hack surgeons,

or as I like to refer to them,

you people.

Since Sweaty Teddy here backs up
his infinitesimal knowledge of the law

with absolutely zero knowledge
of medicine,

one of you will help go through claims,
decipher medical stuff

and somehow relay all of that
into his tiny peanut brain.

How many times did I insult you
during that? I was shooting for five.

Only three, unless you count
"Sweaty Teddy" as an insult.

But my mom calls me that,
and she loves me, right?

No, Ted. She hates you. Four.

Since Ted has no life, and that's five,
I'll let him select his very own victim.

Ted.

- I'll take Claire!
- Oh, God.

You turned me down 14 times for drinks.
Well, who's the creepy loser now, huh?

[J.D.] And just like that,
I had the chance to comfort Claire.

You look like you need to be rescued.

[J.D.] Life was good.

But then came a surprise visit
from my brother

and a round of the game
he likes to call Watch Her Leave.

There's no easy way to say this.

We got the crabs.

Wow, she was cute.

- Yes, she was, Dan. Thank you.
- Welcome.

We'll be right back.

- Was he talking to us?
- Don't know, don't care.

Here, take this.

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know
I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

So, Dan, to what do
we owe this... something.

I had to blow out of town.
Mom doinked her new boyfriend

and guilted him into getting me
an interview. [shudders]

Well, Mom does what she has to do.

Why do I need a full-time job?
I got a sweet setup at home.

I got a sweet pad in Mom's attic,
driving Dad's old Plymouth Horizon,

and because
I'm the senior bartender at KJ's,

I take home half the extra
chicken wings. Thank you.

Dan,

do you ever have to pinch yourself to
make sure it's all not some crazy dream?

That does not count
as a formal hello, Coxsmith.

- Don't call him Coxsmith.
- I call him Coxsmith.

- So, what's new around here?
- Carla's pregnant.

Dude, bummer.

- No, we're trying to have kids.
- Oh, congratulations. That's great.

I'm not really a big kid person.
Are you guys totally freaking out?

[Both] No.

[J.D.] And they weren't.
They were taking it all in stride.

Here's how I think we should name
our baby. It's what my parents did.

If it's a girl,
I get to pick the name.

- If it's a boy, you pick the name.
- OK.

I like Angie for a girl.

And if it's a boy, say hello to Fu-Kwon.
What's up!

Maybe we should pick the names together.

OK. 'Cause I was thinking,
you know, for a girl...

Sweetie, we already have
the girl's name.

Now, for the boy,
why not name him after your cousin?

Tiger?

I'm begging you to stop telling
people that. No one believes you.

Well, tell that to the last two women
I slept with before you, OK?

She-boing, boing.

That... Oh, God!

I'm talking about
your other cousin, George.

- I like that.
- Yeah.

George and Angie. All right.

If you mention the names to anyone,

they'll ruin them for us,
so don't tell anyone, OK?

No one.

What's up, my negro amigo?

Nothing.

I can't figure out
what's going on with Herbert.

He's got acute back pain,
but no causa equina signs.

If we have a girl,
we're gonna name her Angie.

Hey, boys.

Hey, Chris, if there was a test to see
if your baby was gay, would you do it?

[# The Village People: Macho Man]

Oh, sweetie, he's...

Extremely. Yes.
And I'm OK with it.

Anyway, Elliot wasn't in the lab.

Oh, she's at home.

I'll be done in a couple of seconds
and we'll find her.

OK.

- Herbert.
- Keep it cool, man.

Dan train. Whoo-whoo!

- Thanks a lot.
- What?

That Dan train
used to hook up with Elliot.

- So?
- [Herbert] So?

Your boy J.D.'s been telling him
Elliot still likes him.

Doctor-patient confidentiality
goes both ways,

Mr. I Prefer My Temperature
Taken Through the Back Door.

What? I mean, it tickles.

Look, Dan doesn't exactly
have the world by the tail, OK?

Every time he calls me depressed,
the only thing I could think of

to cheer him up was to say,
"Elliot still digs you."

I'm trying to find a way to make him
feel good about himself.

If we have a boy,
we'll name him George.

What about Tiger?

Hey, man,
where'd your brother go, anyway?

Oh, boy.

Call Elliot.

No, call Elliot.

No. No...

Call Elliot.

Got her.

[Ringing]

We don't want any distractions
while we're trying to make a baby.

OK, you gotta stop saying that.

We're role-playing.
This is not real. Let's just do this.

All right.

[Moaning]

Promise me you'll hold me like this
when I push your baby out my bajingo.

- I'm putting on a third condom.
- Keith!

[Ringing]

- What?
- [Doorbell rings]

No, I'm not gonna act
like I want to bone your brother.

I'm telling him the truth.

Hey, Elliot... is wearing lingerie.

Hey, Dan.
J.D. Told me you were coming.

Um, this is Keith.
I'm sure you're a little disappointed.

Yeah, I'm in.

- I go first.
- [Stammering] Um...

Elliot, you have to ask me
about things like this.

And that is the father of my fake baby.

- Honey.
- Ugh. I gotta go to Jack's preschool.

Apparently, Seymour was teasing him,
so he punched him in the face.

- Do Seymour's parents have to go?
- I doubt it. They're turtles.

Count yourself lucky.

My son sent me a picture of himself

sitting on the lap
of his new boyfriend, Winston.

[Both] Oh!

Why are they dressed up
as Tonto and the Lone Ranger?

I'd like to say they're going to a
costume party, but those are jammies.

Look at the bright side.
He's like the daughter you never had,

only gay and unsuccessful.

- [Both laugh]
- Tell me about it.

So funny, the way kids are, isn't it?

You never know how it's gonna go.

[J.D.] Now that Dan knew Elliot
wasn't into him,

my focus had shifted
from keeping him away from her

to avoiding him so he doesn't kill me.

Hey, Mr. Brooks.
Let's get these bandages off you, huh?

What are you doing?

Mr. Brooks wanted safety tips
on operating propane heaters.

As long as you're not my brother.

I had a brother once.
Well, he's still my brother.

My parents adopted him
when I was about 12.

He was about 46.
Actually older than my parents.

His name was Clete and he
talked like this, "How's it going?"

Good kid. Did what they said.

Make the bed, mop the floor,
sweep the lawn, whatever.

Everything was good till his 50s
and, wow, did he have a midlife crisis.

Him and my dad fought constantly.
I mean physically beating on each other.

But I don't blame him for it.
I blame my mom for sleeping with him.

- That's just out of line.
- Yeah.

[Janitor] The reason
I'm telling you this is your brother

told me if I keep you focused on me,
he would let me watch.

Watch what?

- Hey, little brother.
- Ahh!

I can't believe they're playing
with that butt hamster.

That is disgusting.

It's my turn to hold Angie.

What did she call that thing?

- Uh, baby, we should go.
- Uh...

Where'd you come up with that name?

I guess I could help you name her.
Let's see.

It's a girl hamster.
What about Angie?

- I love it!
- Me too. Angie, guys?

- [All] Yeah!
- Angie, it is!

[Laughing]

- Hold his arms.
- Wait! Turk, it was an accident, OK?

- The name just popped into my head!
- Shut up! You just shut up right now!

Pink belly.

No! Turk!

[J.D.] Unfortunately, Turk was the
greatest pink-bellier in all the land.

[Screaming]

You know, Bobbo,
I find you less repugnant as of late.

I'm developing a begrudging
indifference to you.

You're so edgy and cantankerous.

You're like House without the limp.

I've decided this project is
over the head of that pretty lady,

so Dr. Cox will be replacing her.

That was the longest three hours
of my life.

[Ted] Call me.

Tell you what she's not good at.
Staring contests.

- Why, Bob?
- Why the hell not?

So how are you doing with your diet?

The best I can do, man.
How's your tummy?

Turk was so proud of his handiwork
that he signed it.

He knows it's so painful I won't
be able to wash it for some time.

- I mean, are you all two OK?
- [J.D.] Actually, we were.

The way the whole
brother thing works,

now that Dan had beaten me up,
it was all over.

- Why'd you lie to me about Elliot?
- [J.D.] Or not.

Oh, come on, man.

A girl like Elliot could never
really be into somebody like you.

- Why wouldn't she?
- [J.D.] The obvious response

was Elliot was looking for a guy
with more going on in life.

And the only way to gently break that
to my brother was this:

Elliot wants to have kids right now
and she knows you're not ready.

Oh!

Bummer.

Don't worry about it, man.
He bought it. It's cool.

[J.D.] I have to talk to Elliot
before my brother Dan does.

Your back pain
may involve your spinal cord,

so we need to get you an MRI.
Now where is my pen?

[J.D.] Elliot! Elliot!

What's up, J.D.?

My brother's on his way up.

The only reason you don't wanna be with
him is 'cause he doesn't want kids now.

J.D., just tell him the truth.

Last time I was honest with Dan
about his life,

it made him feel like crap.

We didn't talk until our dad died.
Do you really want me to do that?

I'm not sure what would
get us back together.

Dad can't die again.

What's going on, guys?

I'm not having a staring contest
with you, Ted.

OK, one-nothing, me. Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

OK, back to work.

This next patient claims their stent
was implanted incorrectly.

What's a stent?

A tube that holds arteries open.

All right.

And what's a Buckland?

That's a hairless growth
never found on women.

Weird.

It's your last name, Ted.

Good one.

- So you got the baby fever, huh?
- Yep.

Hopefully I'm pregnant
with Keith's child.

Oh, come on! I'm 25!
I haven't even been to Europe!

- Keith, wait!
- No!

I got a good feeling
about those two. Well, I'm off.

- All right. Say hi to Mom for me.
- Yep. Get my stuff.

[J.D.] And like that, he was gone.

You know what name
I've always liked for a girl?

Honor.

Turk, you know how mean boys are.

They'd be all like, "I got on her.
Did you get on her?"

Yeah, everybody got on her
'cause she's easy.

- That's your daughter.
- Yes, it is.

It's just weird.

Angie was perfect.
Now nothing seems as good.

- What you got there, sir?
- Dead hamster.

Angie's dead?

- Baby, we got our name back!
- Yeah!

If no one's officially called dibs...

Take it, freak.

[Janitor] What?

I'm making a hamster vest
for one of my squirrels.

What's going on?

I love you too, dumpling,
but I have to work late.

I'll make it up to you this weekend.

Ted's on the phone with his mom,
so we're taking a five. Why?

- Why is Kelso doing this to me?
- Well, you know.

I don't. All I remember is that
we were both making fun of our kids,

and then bam, he stuck me with Ted.

No, no. You made fun of your kid,
he made fun of his kid,

and then you made fun of his kid.

Don't you get it? You can never say
bad things about someone else's kid.

Ever.

Mom, if you can't reach that spot
with the lotion,

I'll get it for you
when I get home late tonight.

OK, kisses.

- You ready to get back in there?
- Yeah. Gotta vomit first.

OK.

OK, guys, let's all gather around.
Huddle up.

Now, you guys,
Herbert in there needs an MRI,

but he won't fit.
Anybody know what we should do?

[J.D.] Nobody wanted to say it,

but sometimes when hospitals
have Herbert-sized patients,

they'll send them to the one place
that has MRI machines big enough.

The zoo.

I know what you're all thinking,
but I'm not gonna do that.

It's too humiliating.

You're too big for our MRI machine so
we're gonna have to take you to the zoo.

Damn. Well, that sucks.

You brought this on yourself,
didn't you?

[Sighs] Man.

Why do you hate Herbert?

He's been in here seven times
for weight problems.

He's never tried to get healthier.

Sometimes, protecting feelings
isn't the best way.

Spare me the tough love speech.

You really think being mean to Herbert
will cause him to turn his life around?

Probably not. But as long
as I'm trying to get him to change,

then I can sleep at night.

When you think about your brother later,
how are you gonna sleep?

- Angie and George, wow.
- Hmm.

- You know what's weird?
- Hmm?

Now that they have names,
everything seems so real.

I can see George's smile.

And I can see Angie
having your curly hair.

I hope she doesn't have
my ear infections.

I was really sick as a baby.

I was a climber.

Our windows don't have bars.
George can fall into the alley.

What if George doesn't love me?

What if Angie stops breathing
in her sleep?

Why'd we have to pick names?
I hate it when things get real!

When I was in high school,

I had a shop teacher named George
who hated black people.

There was a prostitute
at my town mall named Angie.

- Those names are out.
- Yeah, they're out!

- And we don't need new ones.
- Not for nine months.

- I'm ready for bed.
- Me too.

Hey, Bob, you got a minute?

If you killed Ted, I don't wanna know.
Just make sure it's not traceable.

That's not why I'm here.
But it's good to know.

Look, uh...

...I wanted to apologize
for what I said about your son.

Well, he hasn't turned out
exactly as I'd planned.

I always imagined we'd spend his
13th birthday fly-fishing in Montana.

Where did you spend it?

On 42nd Street, camped out
for Ain't Misbehavin'tickets.

He's a good kid, though.

Tell me about him.

He is a good kid.
He's always been a good kid.

First time I knew we weren't on the
same page was when he took up knitting.

Knitting?

I thought he was gonna
learn how to tie knots.

[# Ben Folds: Still Fighting It]

- Hey, Dan.
- Hey, Johnny.

Just packing up.
I thought you had to work.

I wanted to talk to you about something.

Yeah, what's up?

Elliot doesn't want to
have babies with Keith.

Oh. Tough break for Keith.
I almost had a threesome with that guy.

When I said Elliot
would never be into a guy like you,

it's because you're
a 35-year-old bartender

who still lives in our mother's attic
and is showing no signs of changing.

I'm not saying this
to make you feel bad.

I think you have the potential to do
whatever you want to do with your life.

But you have to actually try.

[J.D.] And then I got
the answer I expected.

Don't you have to get back to work?

[J.D.] Even though I knew he wasn't
gonna change, Elliot was right.

It's about what helps you sleep.

Who are we kidding?

This is so real now,
there's no way we can sleep.

[J.D.] Whether it's
a strong sense of denial...

... or the fact that you love your son.

As for me, I was just happy
to get some rest.

[Pager beeping]

Hey.

Hey, Johnny.
You cool if I borrow this suit?

I figured I might wear it
to that job interview.

You know what, man?
You might as well just keep it.

Yeah, I'll keep it.

You... You think anyone
would ever really hire me?

I think you can do
whatever you want to do.

Take it easy, little brother.