Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 17 - My Chopped Liver - full transcript

[J.D.] A month ago, I shaved my head to
show solidarity with a leukemia patient.

Of course, there were ramifications.

Hello, I'm your doctor.

# Hare Krishna

Oh, no, no. I know I've got the hair,
but I'm not one of you, uh, people.

Hello. How are you?
Well, I have been known to tambour.

# Hare Krishna
He's a Krishna

# The best Krishna #

[J.D.] After our tambourine jam,
they gave me some literature,

but I'm not the type
easily sucked in by that stuff.

- Morning, Dr. Dorian.
- Praise be to Krishna!



Damn it!

Hey, Mr. Coleman,
how are you feeling?

# They call me mellow yellow #

Um, Mr. Coleman, the hepatitis
is doing a number on your liver.

You're obviously very jaundiced...

Yellow! Oh, "mellow yellow,"
I get it! That's funny.

I never knew what that song was about.
Now I finally get it. Liver disease.

We're gonna give you
suppressive therapy

and do everything we can to make sure
you don't need a liver transplant, OK?

- OK.
- All right. We'll see you, Mr. Coleman.

[J.D.] Unfortunately, a month later...

- Let's hear it.
- Frank, we have no more options.

We gotta get you a new liver.

So how's the boy toy thing going?



I'm thinking of trading Perry in
for a younger model.

We're getting kind of serious...

Excuse me, I need a moment of silence
so I can get into a meditative state

where I block out
any irritating white noise.

I call it my happy place.

- You know, it's kind of rude...
- [waves breaking, seagulls cawing]

- I understand you...
- Sweets, he can't hear you.

- Really?
- Mm-mm.

I was the one who puked on your Porsche
after Turk and Carla's wedding.

[Waves breaking]

That has been eating at me
for two years. Anyway...

Keith is great.
The only problem is his last name.

- It's, um... Dudemeister.
- Oh, that doesn't even sound real.

It's German, Dudemeister.
It means "master of dudes."

One of the reasons I divorced Perry
was his last name.

- You don't like Cox?
- Actually, I love Cox.

Greatest conversation ever.

- See, that's the problem.
- [Woman] This sausage is huge!

Excuse me, ladies.
I'm needed elsewhere.

The four of us should go out
for a drink sometime.

- We're free tonight.
- It's a couple date.

Done!

[Waves breaking, crashing]

Something horrible just happened.

All right, buddy.
Today's the day.

[J.D.] The amazing thing about livers
is that a person with a healthy one

can have part of it removed
and give it to somebody else.

For Frank, that person
was his brother, Marc.

Hey, someone order liver?
[Laughs] Uh-oh. [clears throat]

Jell-O? Jell-O?
Is this thing on? Jell-O?

That was good.

[J.D.] Marc was a stand-up comic
on a cruise ship.

If I'm not careful,
they'll put me in the pun-itentiary.

[J.D.] He was a genius.

Thanks for doing this for me, man.

What's mine is yours, little bro.
You know that.

- I didn't get that one.
- Me neither.

If you ever donated a body part to me,
you know which one I'd want?

Thanks for the butt, player!

You better have a reason
for taking my man's badonkadonkdonk.

I do, Carla. I'm building something.

- What?
- # A brick house

# It's mighty, mighty
just lettin' it all hang out

# She's a brick house #

Dr. Turk, Todd needs you in the lab.

Tell Todd he can kiss my big black ass.

- I bet you wish you could say that.
- I do!

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know
I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

Brr! These gowns do not protect the
fellas against a cool breeze, do they?

You'll get used to it.

We'll be back to check on you later,
all right?

OK. We'll be the guys
that look like us.

[Laughing]

- How does he come up with this stuff?
- He could be a dynamite center square.

Dude, four more hours and I am off.

You mean, we are off.
I changed my schedule,

which means I have Thursday nights off,
we are going out.

You'll be my wing man,
even though you're horrible at it.

When have I been a bad wing man?

Dude, are you sure this isn't offensive?
Nobody else is wearing a costume.

Buddy, relax.
These are my guys, all right?

As long you're with me,
they'll find this funny.

All right.

[Doorbell rings]

That looks like Talia.

What's up?!

Ah!

My bad, my bad.

- [J.D. Screaming]
- [Thudding]

That wasn't Talia.

Every time I saw them,
they yelled, "Cracker!"

How did they know I like crackers?

Please don't make me go out with Barbie
and, yes, I know it's too easy, Ken.

But we haven't gone out
with another couple in over a year.

Jordan, there's a reason for that.

Whoa, whoa.
Slow down there, big guy.

Why, Zeltzer?
It's not like I'm driving.

I know, but there was a roofie in it.

I'm not sure if I'm OK with that.

Three, two, one...

Party time.

I think we should
give them another chance.

Whoa!

Nurse Espinosa,
I need your help with something.

My dog, Baxter,
passed away last night.

I've dealt with it emotionally,
but I can't stop crying.

I need you to run interference for me.
Keep people from seeing me vulnerable.

So you think I'll automatically do this?

You think my ego is so big

that I'll be flattered
that I'm the only one you open up to?

I'll do it.

- Wish us luck, guys.
- Good luck, fellas.

- All the best.
- I'll be rooting for you.

And I will see you, my friend, later.

Wonderful.

What are you gonna do?
Stay up late, eat raw cookie dough,

and pinkie-swear your diet
will start tomorrow?

What is your problem?

Jordan's forcing me to double date
with the Dudemeisters.

'Cause of J.D.,
I gotta miss Turk Night.

I have three nights off during the week.
Two of those, Carla has off too,

so we do married stuff.

Fighting, bickering
and the occasional quickie.

Exactly. But Thursday nights,
I got the apartment to myself.

So, you know, I come home...

[Turk] I walk in the door.

I immediately get comfortable.

Then I take care of all my busy work,

case dictations,
patient charts, everything.

Then I watch whatever's on ESPN.

- [TV] Stay tuned for Gilmore Girls.
- Mothers and daughters.

They speak so fast
but they speak so true.

[Turk] I make some important work calls.

- Did you see it?
- I am so mad at Lorelai,

I can't even talk right now.

That's Turk Night.

[Cox whistles]

God, you're boring.

[Knocking]

- Hey. Just need to talk to Kelso.
- You can't come in.

- Why?
- Um...

- I have no pants on.
- He spilled coffee on them.

Wish I didn't have to see
those pale legs.

Ask for a new label maker
in the pharmacy.

The P is broken and nobody
knows what "enicillin" is.

Oh.

- Sir, she just wants...
- Just tell her no.

- But, sir...
- If it makes you feel better,

you can pretend you're fighting for her.
Yell, "Hear me out, Bob."

- Hear me out, you old jackass.
- No ad-libbing.

Now send her packing.

- He said yes.
- Coolio!

You think you're funny.

My job is to spend the day
saying "no" to people,

and now that you have let a "yes"
spread out into the world,

you have opened the floodgates.

[# Chris Bailey: I Hear You Knocking]

- Can we have Bibles in the rooms?
- No.

- Can I get a better hands-free headset?
- No.

Am I allowed back
in the men's locker room?

No!

- Can I get some new work boots?
- No.

Guess the old ones work.
I do have more requests.

I need an anvil, barbed wire
and a bow and arrow.

- How about a sled dog?
- No.

- Cowboy hat?
- No.

- Javelin? Ferris wheel?
- No.

- Stun gun?
- No.

- Pelican.
- No!

I'll be on the couch napping.

Sweetie, calm down.

If you're miserable,
you can talk to me, OK?

I won't abandon you, all right?

OK.

- My God! I love your necklace!
- I got it from the Indians in the park.

Let's go to the bathroom,
you can try it on.

Hey, uh, Dr. Cox, can you get me a beer?
I forgot my ID.

Oh.

I can't believe people
hang out at bowling alleys.

It's great.
Surround yourself with new friends,

you say one clever thing,
and you're in. Watch this.

You guys, let's tally it up.
Gather around.

Whoa, Carol! 180! Amazing.

Lisa, you had a 125.

- Turk, 192.
- That's how we do.

And I bowled a gentleman's 40.

Now, who wants to
help me off with my shoes?

I forgot to wear socks.

I'm losing them.

If you ladies remain in this area,
we'll bring back drinks.

- Nice save.
- Thank you.

[Gasps]

- [J.D.] Krishnas.
- Relax, they'll never recognize you.

Good to see you again.

What's up?

I hate it when Keith wears that shirt.

We get it. You like sports.

Sweetie, you have to dress your man.

For God's sake, Perry walked out
of the house tonight in a hockey jersey.

- Dr. Cox, when you first...
- [waves breaking, seagulls cawing]

Hey, you. Make an effort.

You may tell me who your favorite
sports team is. Keep it short.

- Detroit Red Wings.
- Oh.

For the next 20 minutes,
you will sit in silence

while I tell you why
the Detroit Red Wings

are the greatest franchise
in the history of sports.

On September 25, 1926...

Look at you, man!

Your color's back.
There's no sign of infection.

I feel great.

- You look great, man. I'm glad.
- Thanks.

[J.D.] Unfortunately, things
weren't going as well for Marc.

He's hypotensive and tachycardic.

[J.D.] Sometimes,
that's the way life works.

The person who does the nice thing
is the one who suffers most.

Whether it's giving up Turk Night
for a friend...

Christopher, why haven't you
finished your case reports?

Sorry, I was gonna do them last night,
but I wound up going out with my buddy.

Just get them done.

[J.D.] Or going out with an intern
to make your wife happy.

Hey, Dr. Cox, we're going
for coffee. Want to come?

[Stammering] Get the hell away from me.

Why are you all smiling?

Keith said you'd be mean,
but then you'd tell us sports stories.

Oh, my God!

Hi.

[J.D.] Or agreeing to be
the bad guy for your boss.

- I'm still...
- Oh, come on!

[J.D.] When you end up paying the price,
it can make you wonder...

He's bleeding out.
Prep the O.R.

Can I have the crash cart in here?

[J.D.]... was it worth it?

[Alarm sounding]

One of the sutures came undone,
but we got it in time.

- He should be fine now.
- Nurse, call me if there's any change.

- How awesome was last night?
- You got bowled by my frat brothers.

We're cool. They invited me
to this alumni thing in January.

- The Martin Luther King Fling?
- Sounds hot.

We're going out Thursday, right?
I got a Magic Eight Ball bowling ball.

Check it. Are the ladies
gonna love this?

"Ask again later"?
I'm just kidding. It says yes.

- Thursday night might not work.
- You're going. Where are the interns?

They're with Dr. Cox. Apparently,
he's mentoring and talking to them.

[J.D.] What?!

OK, that's it!

This right here is the "get hit" line.
Cross it at your own risk.

When do you turn nice?
This is getting kind of old.

Never, Leslie.

- He knows my name!
- [Cox whistles]

I was calling you
by a random girl's name.

Listen, please.

I don't care about
any of your problems.

I have no answers for any of you.

But my boyfriend is bi-curious
and he wants me to pick his lovers.

I might have an answer for that.

Ew!

I mean, come on, children.

What do you actually think
is going to happen here?

Do you think I'm going to take you
and sit you down next to me and say, um,

"Listen, uh, if you need anything,
you've got my pager.

Just know that
I'm there for you always"?

Oh, my God.

- Newbie!
- No! Zip it!

I am so G-darn pissed right now.

I was OK when you kept me
at an arm's length,

because everybody said,
"That's Cox. That's how he operates."

And I believed them.

But now I walk in on this...

...this bi-racial love fest.

You know what?
I hate to do it,

but I'm giving you back the pencil.
That's right.

The pencil you gave me
on my third day of work.

You handed it off to me
like a tiny yellow baton,

like you were trying to say to me,
"J.D., you are the new me.

You, J.D., are my mentee.

You... are my son."

What pencil?

Oh, that's perfect.

That's perfect.

You know what? Take it.

Maybe you can use it
with Rex or Gloria or...

...that guy.

That guy's name is Leslie.

His name is Leslie.

His name is Leslie.

Your name is Leslie.
All right. Good for you, Leslie!

Leslie!

So do you think
everybody's still mad at me?

I...

[# Philip Glass: Koyaanisqatsi]

Guys, come on!
I'm the only one giving the evil eye!

We worked on this.
Hey, Ted, you're giving sad eye.

- It's all I've got!
- I don't believe that.

Now, come on.
Let's suck it up.

Dig deep. Concentrate, and just...

[# Philip Glass: Koyaanisqatsi]

And break.

- [Sighs]
- Nice. Very nice, guys. Even you.

I just thought about flat boobies
and it made me mad.

What do I have to do
to make it up to you?

Go, Ted.

We want tickets to the Latin Grammys.

We figured you might know someone.

- I don't.
- Oh, Carla, please.

Elliot, I don't!

How about she buys rounds
for everyone at the bar?

- Apple martinis? Cool.
- That'd be fine. See you guys.

That was easy, yeah.

Latin Grammys or nada.

Interns are looking for you.

I know. I'm in my streets
because I'm sneaking out,

all because of couples' night.

Speaking of couples' nights, I don't
know if you and Jordan like camping,

but this weekend, me, the wife
and an interesting guy named Ron

are heading out to the lake.

- Keep moving, Zeltzer.
- Rain check.

So you gotta leave early?

Thanks to Kelso, I gotta take the staff
out for drinks so they don't hate me.

Thanks to J.D.,
I'll be up forever doing case reports.

Plus, I lost the one night off
that I look forward to.

What about the two nights a week
we spend together?

Now I am so mad at J.D.!

That's it.

We've got to let these people know.

Let's do this.

Let's do it.

I like this particular outfit

because it's casual

and the pant pockets are extra-deep,
which is perfect for storing makeup.

He's like a giant purse.

This shirt is itchy.

Oh, oh. Shh. Purses don't talk.

Jordan, you promised
this would never happen.

[Gasps]

How dare you?

- Could we talk?
- One sec.

I just wanted to thank you
for the other night.

Since Perry and I had Jack, we don't
get to go out that much as a couple,

and it was really nice.

- Don't tell anyone I'm nice.
- Oh, mm, no. Mm-mm.

Dr. Kelso, we need to talk.

Baxter was a good dog.

You never think you're gonna
miss animals as much as you do.

It was just nice having some creature
in my life who never disappointed me,

never judged me,

never showed up late
at my 50th birthday party

with freshly pierced nipples and a
barely legal Filipino boy named Pogo,

- my son Harrison.
- I figured.

Man's best friend, huh?

They got that one right.

At least you've stopped crying.

No, not really.

My body can't produce tears anymore.
I've intentionally dehydrated myself.

It's a risky move, I know,

but Dr. Jarvis here
said it'll be all right.

There's nobody standing behind you.

I'm going to need an IV.

J.D., can I talk to you?

I can't right now.
I gotta check on Frank.

So are you missing
the other half of your liver?

Oh, I'm not, but my gallbladder's
pretty broken up about it.

Apparently they had a thing.

You've got a gift, man, a gift!

Did your brother freak out
when you told him you almost died?

I didn't tell Frank.

Look at him. He's so happy.

If he knew what I went through,
he'd feel terrible.

Why would I wanna do that to him
when I love him so much?

Hey, Turk.
You wanted to talk to me?

- You wanted to talk to me?
- You wanted to talk to me?

[# Bobby Bare, Jr: I'll Be Around]

Dr. Cox, can we talk about something
besides sports this time?

You're OK.

OK, there, Keith,

you may choose between good Scotch,
ab workouts or Lee Marvin movies.

- And who over here needs a refill?
- Yes, please.

- Thanks for the 'tini, Carla.
- You got it, mama.

- Here you go, Grumpy.
- Latin Grammys!

- Tell you the nominees.
- Fabuloso.

- Category?
- Reggaeton.

- Having a great time, man.
- Me too, me too.

Cheers.