Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 20 - My Lunch - full transcript

- Todd, what are you doing?
- Waiting for my moment.

[J.D.] OK, moving on.
It was time for my new daily ritual:

Asking Dr. Cox to lunch.

- What are you doing for lunch?
- Not having it with you, Paula.

Oh. Good luck eating.

This is every spoon
from the cafeteria.

And guess what?

Today just happens to be
soup and frozen yogurt day.

I'm gonna have tomato and strawberry.

[Cox] Lunch for us?
Not going to happen.

Normally, I'd say something harsh now
like, "We're not friends,"



but you'll grin that stupid grin
and shake your head,

like, "How could that
possibly be true?"

Because it's ludicrous.

Just give me a spoon, will you please?

- Oh, for goodness sake.
- [J.D.] You've called my bluff.

Today isn't soup and yogurt day.
It's actually salad and smoothie day.

I'm still having tomato and strawberry.

I'm having a weird pregnancy craving.

Hey, J.D., if you go out,
would you get me a hot Italian sausage?

I got a hot Italian sausage
for you right here.

People think I luck into these
situations, but it's really hard work.

You know what else is hard?
I should go.

I think I may vomit.

[J.D.] Some doctors like to change
into their streets for lunch. Not me.



I like how the world
reacts to me as a doctor.

Whether it's a friendly greeting
from the world's slowest bagger.

- Hey there, Dr. Dorian.
- Lookin' good, pal.

Eggs on top. All right?
Eggs on top.

Or a smile from the manager
of the herbal section.

Hey, Rebecca.
You got that Echinacea for me?

Just kidding.
I think all this stuff is voodoo.

Good to see you. Hey!

Looks like somebody else
is sick of that cafeteria stuff, huh?

Oh, no. What the hell?
Did you follow me here?

A friend dropped me off.

Eagle!

Hey, wanna go splitsies
on some deli counter meatloaf?

I can't finish a whole serving.
I can, but I don't like to.

- It all goes right here.
- Could this be any more of a nightmare?

[Woman] Guys!

Yes, it could be more of a nightmare.

Jill Tracy was a former patient
who had once tried to kill herself.

Sad, yes,

but this did not change the fact
that she was unbelievably annoying.

Oh, my God, what are you doing here?

I was meeting a guy for a date.
I know you're thinking.

A Tuesday lunch date at the market,
he is so not into her.

Well, guess what? He's not.

I've been waiting for, like, an hour

thinking how many more guys
from my yoga class can totally reject me

without me saying, "Enough!"
You know?

Yogurt pretzels? Yum.
These are addictive.

I'll have one anyway.
Wanna grab some lunch?

- We have to get back to the hospital.
- Bummer.

Trail mix?
[Growling sound]

I won't. Awesome! Awesome!

You know what, Newbie?
Stay. Have lunch.

[Whizzing sound]

Those emergencies.
I should go too. How are things?

- You know that's stealing.
- Come on, Rebecca,

everybody's doing it.

I won't tell anyone if you don't.

- Security!
- Security?

We've got a grazer.

I don't think there's
a security force...

OK. Hey, fellas.

Wherever you're taking him,
take me too. No, you go ahead.

Where's the shaving cream?
Is that aisle two still?

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

Today was a busy day
at Sacred Heart.

We had three separate patients
waiting for transplants.

We were doing everything
we could to keep them alive

while we could locate donors.

There was Mrs. Sykes,
who needed a new liver.

There was Mr. Dennison,
who needed a new heart valve.

And then there was Dr. Cox's guy,
Dave Bradford.

Davey Boy, I promise you,
we're gonna find you a kidney.

I would swear on my father's grave,

but whenever I go there
I end up dancing on it.

And so begins another round
of "Who Had the Worse Dad?"

One of pop's nicknames
for me was Sparky.

He liked to light matches off my neck.

We've been over this. You win on
account of your father's not dead yet.

[J.D.] Most stress with
so many people clinging to life.

Dr. Cox vibed on it.

As I lie in bed each morning
and ask myself

why I should put both my feet
on the floor,

there are precious few reasons
that I've ever come up with.

The chance to escape
Jordan's morning breath, sure.

Scotch. It's too early to drink it,
yes,

but it is never too early
to think about.

And, of course,
the ever-present possibility

that I might finally
happen upon Hugh Jackman

and give him the present
I've been holding for him.

Bam!

Still, the most persuasive argument
I've ever been able to come up with

is that I get to come to this hospital
every day and help keep people alive.

That's ironic, four people died
while you were talking.

We need to keep them going
until we can find donors.

Barbie, check on Mrs. Sykes's
ammonia level. She's encephalopathic.

Gandhi, review Dennison's chart
and get me a consent.

Bobbo, get on the horn
to your cronies at local hospitals

and get me a donor update.

Fine. Some of the boys
are coming over tonight.

I'll bring it up to Morrison while he
sets up the projector for stag flicks.

Don't need the visual
of old men with erections.

And now it's in my head forever.

Sorry. Go step up Davey Bradford's
dialysis to take your mind off of it.

- Newbie, feel like a sandwich?
- I do feel like a sandwich.

You feel more like a pastry.
A very doughy pastry.

I don't feel good about that.
Way too easy.

[J.D.] I had one objective
in my trip to the store.

Pick up everyone's lunch
and get out of Dodge.

[Up-tempo music plays]

[J.D.] Whoa!

- J.D.?
- Hey, Jill.

How weird is it that we were both
here two days in a row?

I thought there was a 15% chance
the guy who blew me off yesterday

got his days wrong
and would be waiting with roses.

- Is that sad?
- It's not, not sad.

I have the day free. My shrink
couldn't make our appointment.

He found his wife in bed with his
second wife and downed an entire bottle

of his bulimic daughter's Prozac.
He's back in the hospital.

- That's an awesome story, Jill.
- It's true.

- Hey. What did you do last night?
- Turk made me watch Anaconda.

- Is that the one with the giant snake?
- No.

This is the one with the giant snake.

I was back here for 45 minutes
waiting for a set-up.

My back is killing me.
But I nailed it.

It's about commitment.

Hey. How could your intern, Lisa,
sleep with him?

She's a tramp with no morals.

I never slept with the Todd. [scoffs]

Lisa is sweet and people
don't give her a chance.

I wonder who else
Todd lied about sleeping with?

- I didn't sleep with him.
- God, no.

- Are you kidding me?
- Todd?

Is he the big black security guard
with the hook hand?

- No.
- Then no.

- Am I ever getting out?
- We haven't found you a kidney yet,

but I have some ideas.

Yeah, this will do.

Ah, what the hell.

I can live with one kidney.

'Cause we'll probably just...
go 'head and sell this one.

Stay away from my organs.

- What are you doing?
- Having lunch.

Cafeteria stinks
and I can't go to the grocery store

because crazy Jill Tracy lives there.

Every time I try and shop
she follows me around

like I'm her only friend
in the world. It's pathetic.

- Well, I'm gonna go talk to Carla.
- I'll come, too.

I figured.

Hey, why do you think Todd lies about
hooking up with all those women?

Maybe he's just over-compensating.

My brother used to brag about girls
dated right before he quit baseball

and started dancing
for Japanese businessmen.

Todd's not gay.

Turk, he has leather jeans
in three different colors.

[EIliot] Barry danced in leather jeans.

He'd come home
and they'd be stuffed with yen.

I'll tell you when I first
suspected he was gay.

It was very subtle, but...

Oh, yeah, Dale, this is totally
gonna bring out your pecs.

Plus I'm using olive oil
so I can lick it off later.

Make 'em dance!
Oh, they're dancin'!

Somebody's makin' them dance!
Whoo-eee. Whee!

- Tell them that never happened!
- It happened. I was there.

I think I just got the move-on signal
from a hook.

- [All] Mm-hmm.
- Anyway, give me the update here.

Bradford's electrolyte
and fluid balance are stable.

Mr. Dennison isn't looking so good.
He's on max inotropes and in failure.

Sykes is encephalopathic.
Ammonium level is through the roof.

- She's circling the drain.
- Let's try to keep these people alive.

What do you say?

Dr. Dorian, can you help me?

Sure. What's wrong?

She was admitted a short time ago
and hasn't regained consciousness.

Tox screen's positive for cocaine.

Do you think she could have O.D.'d?

She had been stood up
on a couple of dates.

And she hadn't seen her shrink
in a while.

She was definitely depressed.

- How do you know all that?
- She told me.

[J.D.] In hospitals,
there are certain rules.

With surgeons,
if the over-compensating,

pumped-up,
shaved-down doctor seems gay...

- So, man, you trying a new workout?
- No. Why?

Oh, he's glistening.

... he's probably gay.

And with organ transplants,
if there's good news for one doctor...

People, I've got our organs.

It probably means
bad news for another.

You can use her organs.

Thank you.

Just tell me this,

is there anything
anyone could have done?

No.

Unless you mean me.

It's amazing how quickly people
improve once they get a new organ.

Whether it's Mrs. Sykes
with her new liver.

Mr. Dennison with his new heart valve.

Or Dave.

How's that new kidney feel, huh?

A little loose, but I'll get used to it.

Yeah, you will.

Thanks for everything, man.

Don't sweat it.

All right, gather around.
Here we go.

Now, I'm sure we all recognize just
how rare it is to get a win like this.

But as we are surrounded
by patients who are clinging to life,

I'm going to give kudos
in whisper form.

Since I'm an egomaniac,
first props come to me.

- Let me hear it, people.
- You are some kind of super hero.

You're a god.

You're a beautiful healer.

This was not a complete
and total solo effort.

It was an extraordinary job
done by each and every one of you.

- I can't hear a word he's saying.
- Be older, Bob.

Just because
I can't hear your silly-ass whispering

doesn't mean I'm old.

I'm going to my office
and tinker with my new computer.

- What kind is it?
- It's about 3:30.

I heard what he said, people,
but damn, that joke's a classic.

And why are you not
giddy with praise like those people?

Don't you know I dole out compliments,
at most, once a year?

And like a squirrel, you must
gather up these acorns of kind words

to sustain you for the upcoming cold,
sarcastic months.

Any idiot could have seen
that Jill was in trouble.

I'm supposed to be a doctor.

I'm the reason she's dead.

Then he said the words
I never expected to hear.

Why don't you and I
go grab some lunch?

That'd be good. Come on.

Oh, my God.
He looks so sad.

I just want to hold him
like a big gay baby.

This is incredible.
An hour ago you guys hated him.

An hour ago he wasn't
our new gay best friend.

Leave the Todd alone, OK?
Because every time you two meddle,

you know who suffers? Me.

Remember when the Janitor
took that chiropractic class

and you guys wanted to encourage him?

Guys, I'm really
not comfortable with this.

You'll be fine. I've done this
on four mop heads. All right?

I haven't had a complaint yet.

OK. On three.

One... two...

- [cracking]
- [Screaming]

Better? Yes?

[Screaming]

You're fine. We're doing this.

Does this sound fine to you?

[Neck cracking]

I can fix that, buddy.
On the count of three.

One, two...

- [cracking]
- Oh!

- Yeah?
- No.

You owe me $500.

Excuse me? Could you spare
a few minutes for AIDS Research?

Yes, I can, but I'm not sure
just how much we'll get done.

I'll tell you what.

We'll go over here and brainstorm
while we wolf down these sandwiches.

Newbie, come.

[J.D.] Vintage Cox.

Know what I was thinking
while having lunch with Jill?

- What's that?
- God, this girl's annoying.

I saw her in that supermarket, too,
but I'm not torturing myself.

- Would you like to know why?
- Why?

She didn't come
to the hospital for help.

We bumped into her
out here in the world.

Don't get me wrong.

If a guy gets shot
or if he has a heart attack

and I am physically
the closest doctor to him,

I will intervene.

Shy of that, you can't.
I mean, you just can't.

- It's too much to ask yourself.
- OK. I hear you.

No. You don't.

Once you start blaming yourself
for deaths that aren't your fault,

my friend, that's a slippery slope
you can't come back from.

I've seen it ruin a lot of good doctors,
and I will not let it happen to you.

[J.D.] And because he said that,
I knew it wouldn't.

Game time. Go!

Todd, do you have second?

- I'm on my way to the gym.
- That's what it's about.

Whoa. Did something happen to the gym?
Don't lie to me.

- We know about your...
- Situation.

- You are hiding from yourself.
- Stop hiding, Todd.

- We accept you.
- No matter who you love.

The Todd's confused.

...our little baby.
You were wrong. It went great.

At first he was a little emotional,
but by the end of it,

he was saying how happy he was
that he didn't have to live a lie.

Then he French-braided my hair
and took it out

'cause he said I could not pull it off.
He is so honest.

It was great.

It was like he changed
into a whole new person.

God, how awesome is it gonna be
not having that pig wandering the halls?

Hey, Mickhead.

Is that package for me?
You know it is!

You ladies must be so proud.

- Todd, what are you doing?
- I'm getting my gay on.

Hey, buddy, you and I should
totally have sex sometime.

See? I knew this was
going to come back to me.

[Pager beeping]

- What's going on?
- [Turk] Everybody's failing.

Mrs. Sykes is indicating neuropathy.

My valve transplant patient
is suffering partial seizures.

How... how you feeling there, Dave?

Pretty good,
but my feet are a little numb.

- You hang tight, all right?
- OK.

I don't get it.
Doesn't make sense.

Perry, the autopsy just came in
on your donor Jill Tracy.

She didn't die of an overdose.

[J.D.] Just like that, whatever burden
of responsibility I felt was lifted.

But like I said before,
good news for one person

can be bad news for another.

She died of rabies?

OK, people, all of our
transplant patients are infected.

We know what we're dealing with here.
Let's get involved. We can do this.

Todd, you were impressive
in surgery today.

Thanks, man.

You were impressive in the shower.
You know, dong-wise.

- Todd.
- What?

Stop it.

The point of coming to grips
was to accept yourself

and stop being that guy.

I'm sorry.

This whole change is just scaring me.
I'm not sure who I am anymore.

- Come here.
- Get over here, sweetie.

- I know. Let it out.
- We're here for you.

Whoa!

- What the hell are you doing?
- Motor-boating.

I really gotta thank you gals
for outing me.

Chicks dig gay dudes.

Hey Lisa.

I heard you lied
and said we didn't do it.

Admit it, we doinked.

I was sad because my dad died.

I wasn't.

So this whole thing was an act?

I cannot believe that I let you in that
fitting room while I was trying on bras.

- Ew!
- That was a very special time for me.

Unbelievable.

He saw the girls.

It's cool if you want to walk away,

'cause I love to watch you go.

Nothing wrong with those.

[Todd] Nothing wrong
with that either. Or that.

Or that.

What the hell are you?

I'm The Todd.

[J.D.] We did all we could over the days
to keep the patients going,

but odds were against us.

First we lost Mrs. Sykes.

[# The Fray: How to Save a Life]

And then Mr. Dennison.

And I knew that Dr. Cox
needed me the exact same way

that I needed him earlier.

Hey. Hungry?

No.

I guess our lunch
was kind of a one time thing, huh?

There's no way you could have
seen that coming.

I mean, rabies? Come on.

There's like three
reported cases a year.

Testing would've been irresponsible.

We would've wasted time
those people didn't have.

I was obsessed

with getting those organs.

You had to be.

The fact is that those people
were gonna die in hours

and you had to make a call.

I would've made the same call.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

I got us lunch,
and I think we should eat it.

Right then, I knew
I was gonna pull him out of this,

But sometimes the hospital picks a day
where it's just gonna pile it on.

[Both pagers beeping]

Oh, God. Come on.

Clear!

Still in V-tach. Clear!

Come on. Clear!

Come on, come on.

Come on! God!

He wasn't about to die,
was he, Newbie?

Could've waited another month
for a kidney.

Where are you going?
Your shift's not over. Hey!

Remember what you told me?

The second you start blaming yourself
for people's deaths...

...there's no coming back.

Yeah.

You're right.