Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 6 - My Cake - full transcript
J.D.'s brother Dan comes back to tell J.D. their father died.
Working at Sacred Heart,
you grow accustomed to a lot of things:
Sickness, death, Ted's morning
self-affirmation ritual.
People are laughing with you.
People are laughing with you.
One thing Turk
couldn't get accustomed to
was his wife being friends
with a psychiatrist.
- What do you want for lunch today?
- Baby, please, not in front of her.
Why are you not comfortable around me?
You can get in people's heads.
Don't take this negatively,
but that makes you a devil woman.
Who could imagine
what it's like in your head?
I'll take this one.
Hey. Welcome to Turk's head.
You look really hot.
Wait a second.
You're not a lesbian.
I am in here.
Yeah, me too.
Damn it!
Molly, you're a shrink.
Why is it my daydreams end
right before the sexy part?
I don't know.
Maybe we should work on that...
...together.
- Damn it!
- Dude.
Relax...
...and enjoy hot chocolate love.
Snap out of it!
Abort! Abort!
Stop it! I don't have gay jungle fever!
- OK, we should go.
- Yeah.
- Mr Garcia's family's here.
- Fantastic.
Telling a family
their loved one has died is never easy.
That's why doctors have a variety
of techniques for breaking the news.
There's the hand on shoulder.
There's hand on hand.
And, of course, the always popular
resident kabuki theatre.
I'm sorry for your loss.
As for my family, we had
our own way of breaking the news.
Hey, little brother.
We did it with cake.
What happened?
A guy can't travel 800 miles on a bus
with a cake to say, "How're things"?
Dan.
Dad died.
There's ice cream in the fridge.
You guys are back.
Sorry I had to blow out of there
after the funeral. How was the week?
Spent most time
dealing with the headstone.
Dad was an office supplies salesman,
he wanted it shaped like a pencil.
- So?
- It looked like a giant marble penis,
which Dad would've liked more.
How you doin', buddy?
I don't know.
It hasn't hit me yet.
It will eventually. Don't worry.
When it does, big bro will be there.
- What is it?
- Dan, I love you,
but being there for people
isn't your thing.
No, that was the old Dan.
Look at me. This is new Dan.
I'm totally here for you.
Dan, you've been in here for,
like, nine hours. Are you OK?
I'd feel better if you could give
that "H" knob a little twist.
Body temp is a bit low.
Now I can feel my tootsies.
So, what do you think
of the new convertible, Ted?
Why don't I have one of these?
Well, howdy, Dr Kelso.
Ain't she a beaut?
I rented 'er so's I could repair
the air conditioning unit.
Looks expensive.
Who authorised this?
Why, you did, sir.
Must've been Tuesday last.
Stop talkin' like a farmer.
I did no such thing!
I'm not sure how one would go about
making a janitor's life more miserable,
but what say we start by docking your
pay for the cost of this monstrosity?
Oh, God!
It won't smooth down!
It's nice to meet you too, Chuck.
Oh. He's having one
of his Love Connection dreams.
You sure?
I'd love to go out with her again
if you'll pay for it.
- Poppy.
- What?
We've been looking all over for you.
Why? What did I miss?
Bye, Carla. Sorry I didn't
get to meet your husband.
Mr Woolery, what've you been doing
since Love Connection was cancelled?
Love Connection was never cancelled.
It's just not on TV anymore.
I still do episodes in my basement
with singles from the neighbourhood.
- I'm not crazy.
- No.
Aw, stupid nap!
I've been a little sleepy
these last couple of weeks.
I've dropped a few pounds. I don't know.
I think I got the flu, baby.
- No!
- Yeah.
You're not allowed to get sick.
You're my superman.
I mean, if you're in bed,
who's gonna give me my back rubs
or unscrew
the peanut butter jar, or...
...walk around all day in my new
high heels just to stretch them out?
She's kidding.
I've never done that.
Not in front of the devil woman.
Sorry.
- I got a new pair of pumps.
- No.
Whenever
someone close to you dies,
it's important to keep
your head above water.
Dan!
I'm up!
It wasn't exactly easy
showering with you in there.
It wasn't exactly easy for me,
either.
You have Dad's butt.
You think you'll get out
of the tub today?
Today doesn't look good.
Get me beer?
Look, I put a six-pack
for you in the toilet.
- I gotta go to work.
- OK, little brother.
Call me if you need... anything. I mean,
anything from this particular area.
Hello, my old friend.
Success.
Look, Mr Cannon,
let's drop the forgetful act!
Now, if you don't sign these papers,
this hospital will discharge you,
and then we'll see what you do
and do not remember!
The man has Alzheimer's, bozo.
It still won't smooth down!
He's not a day over 55,
and he has Alzheimer's.
Really makes you think, doesn't it?
You're over 55,
aren't you, sir?
- What's your point?
- Nothin'.
Though I deal with death
every time I walk into this place,
I'd never dealt with it from this side.
It's full of surprises, whether it's
a small gesture from a co-worker...
... or a big gesture from
someone you've never met.
Walk tall, kiddo.
Of course, sometimes it's a little
awkward, even with an old friend.
- I just wanted to...
- Yeah.
- Look...
- Thanks.
- 'K.
- 'K.
Say, Barbie,
for a second there,
I thought you were being a little cold,
but then you saved it with the...
"'K."
What are you gonna do,
hide, then call him Ginger?
No. It's Monday, which,
of course, means it's ethnic day,
so I'll be going with Rosalita.
Besides, I have a plan.
- Which is?
- Yeah, unfortunately,
the first part of the plan is not
to share it with people who annoy me.
Want to hear the second part?
- Sure.
- I can't.
My hands are tied by the first part.
Baby, look at you.
Please go see our doctor.
I hate Dr Kim.
He always makes me take my pants off,
even that time I went in for pink eye.
I gotta pee.
Don't you think it's weird
you've gone seven times today?
I think it's weird you're counting.
It's impossible to get
a doctor to see a doctor.
I'm on it.
Excuse me.
Did somebody say they're lookin'
for the baddest detective in town?
Awesome afro.
I'm sorry to barge in on you, but
I was wondering if you could help me.
I have this patient, constantly tired,
always peeing, losing weight.
You should have him checked out.
He might have diabetes.
The good news is that
it's Type 2 diabetes.
It's still serious,
but it's totally manageable.
Devil woman gave me diabetes.
- How you holdin' up, Bambi?
- I'm OK. You have my charts?
Didn't anyone tell you? They switched
your shift. You're off today.
OK.
- He bought it.
- Great, great, great.
I took all his patients
and I threatened his residents
under penalty of death not to page him.
One last thing left to do.
What is this?
Basic homemade anti-drowning device
to be worn till your brother returns.
- I like it.
- Oh, boy.
Tryin' to cut back.
Where the hell is my car?
I parked it right there.
I know I parked it.
For God's sake,
am I losing my mind?
What the hell?
Tommy! Take me up!
He's comin' back!
- Hey, you want a beer?
- Absotively.
Bath water.
Backwash.
- There you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Hey, Dan, if Dad were here right now,
what would you say to him?
I think he'd be glad to hear that.
Maybe it was
because I finally slowed down.
Maybe it was remembering
Dad's passion for bodily functions.
But at that moment, it all hit me.
Unfortunately, I'm not sure
Dan's the guy to talk about it with.
Slow down, little duck.
Some ducks can't hold their water.
It's OK. I know.
There's a lot in life
that can let you down.
It can be your mind...
- ... or your body.
- Call me if you have any questions.
- I'm here for my ear infection.
- Go in and take your pants off.
So, what'd he say?
Oh, it's the flu, like I said.
Luckily for me,
I had someone to lean on.
Can I talk to you for a second?
- Nope.
- Really?
Not even two seconds to talk to me?
Look, newbie... Oh, for God's sake.
I'm a little swamped. Thank you.
You know what sucks? I thought
you were gonna come through for me.
In a minute. Hey, Newbie,
just in case you didn't actually notice,
I have been covering all your patients,
answering all your pages
and doing everything shy of picking up
your sundress from the cleaners.
Well, I didn't ask you
to do any of that, did I?
Outstanding! You're walkin' away like
a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo!
Bravo, huh?
What are we clappin' for?
His dad just died.
Damn it.
Why are you still antagonising him?
I don't know.
I can't stop.
You'd better come through for him.
What do you want me to do?
Be more sensitive.
Try giving him a hug.
Barbie, you've met me before. Yes?
Now, at most,
I can muster one hug a year.
And nine months ago,
I hugged my son,
so you're gonna have to do it.
You saw us before?
We're still awkward from the break-up.
Hold the phone.
Are you suggesting
that if I sleep with him that I won't
have to deal with problems like this?
I'm considering taking that hit.
Honestly,
what is he like in post-game?
Is there spooning? Because
I don't spoon. I'm not a spooner.
Well, it took a whole tube of gel,
but I finally got my hair down.
No one, male or female,
ever cared, Ted.
Where the hell
are my reading glasses?
The last few days,
I'm beginning to feel the old noodle
is really letting me down.
I'm sure I'm just
making mountains out of molehills.
Don't you think, Ted?
Ted?
Hey, Wonderbra.
Do you have a second?
- For what?
- I'm giving you a hug.
I was wonderin'
what that crane was for.
So, now, how would you like
this whole hug thing to go down?
Do you want to remain seated?
As long as it's under three seconds
and I don't feel breath on my neck.
You're making fun of me
cos I need help getting through this.
No, I'm really trying.
You know what? I'm sick of getting
dumped on, and I am sick of you.
- Newbie, don't shove me.
- Oh, really? Why not?
Because whenever anybody
shoves me more than twice,
my mind goes blank, and all I see
is this white-hot flash of fury.
When someone shoves you like this?
- So? How'd it go?
- Punched him in the face.
You want me to kick his ass?
No need. I already
got him back and then some.
- On the window, huh?
- Yeah!
Here we go.
- Oh, God. Who died?
- No. It's for Turk.
- I'll get you some milk?
- Yeah!
What's the occasion?
I have Type 2 diabetes.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That sucks. Carla is aware if you eat
that, your foot will fall off, right?
I haven't told her yet.
I'm sure she knows cos
she's trying to get me to fess up
by tempting her chocolaty goodness
with chocolaty goodness.
Babe, do you want
some hot fudge sugar sauce?
Oh, hell, yeah!
- Why haven't you told her?
- I'm not sure.
Can I tell you something weird?
You can tell me anything.
Your dad dying
has stolen my diabetes' thunder.
My God!
Just this second I was thinking
your diabetes is gonna get
in the way of my dad dying.
Isn't that funny?
Cool!
I smell cake.
If Uncle Bertie died, someone's
gonna have to go on a beer run.
Thanks again for inviting me
to your house for dinner.
I did?
Yes, sir, you did.
- Hey, where's your brother?
- JD!
- He's not here.
- Look, Dan...
It's Captain Bubblebeard.
Avast, matey! Shut your scupper
and bury your steel!
We should be seen...
Now you're Dan again.
Let's break down
the kid's support system.
He's got me,
an emotionally crippled narcissist,
and he's got you,
an emotionally crippled narcissist
who's soaking in a tub of what by now
has to be mostly your own urine.
I believe the ratio's shifted that way.
And I have got to believe that
the two of us together, together, Dan,
we can make it at least halfway
to one legitimate adult.
You're right, Coxy.
Damn it, Coxsmith,
crybaby time is over.
The kid needs us,
and he needs us now.
- Towel.
- Thank you. Let's rock'n'roll.
I may have lost
some muscle mass in my legs.
Fantastic.
I want to apologise to you
for that whole "devil woman" thing.
I promise you I will never
call you that again.
It's OK. I can understand
why you're uncomfortable around me.
I sometimes do see
everyone as a patient.
You know, surgeons do that too.
Come on,
let's see who's better at it.
Hip replacement.
- Alcoholic. That was easy.
- Yeah.
Quadruple bypass,
two on me.
Trying to validate herself,
so she'll sleep with anyone.
Hey, Turk.
What's up, Charice? All right?
See, that was before Carla.
So, what about me?
Come on,
you know you want to.
Well, Carla calls you her superman,
and you love that.
The diabetes
makes you feel vulnerable,
and you're afraid
if you're open to her about it,
you won't be
her superman anymore.
Yeah.
Devil woman.
Sorry.
My God. I'm sorry
about the "wash me" thing!
Put that on.
Dan? You were out with him?
I thought you dissolved.
This is the way to do this
without feeling uncomfortable. Drink.
- Now talk.
- What do you want me to talk about?
The pros and cons of
blitzing a weak side corner
in third and long situations?
Thank you,
Football for Dummies.
I gotta tell you, little brother,
you were always the apple of Dad's eye.
That's the worst thing about college
football. The male cheerleaders...
That's a chick.
When my father died,
all I could focus on
was how much he was never there,
but you, you're lucky.
You got some positive stuff
you can dwell on.
Throw the ball, you jackass.
He is a jackass.
I mean, I met your father.
I remember like it was yesterday.
After about two seconds,
I could tell how proud he was of you.
Then I heard something
I never thought I'd hear.
Truth be told there, Newbie...
...l'm proud of you.
Me too.
It's amazing how a few simple words
can change everything.
Whether it's an apology...
I'm sorry I came down so hard on you.
I've been a bit forgetful lately.
I suppose it's possible that I could've
told you you could rent that crane.
Sir...
...apology accepted.
Hey! Tommy,
what are you doing?!
Tommy's been let go.
Have a nice weekend.
You too, sir.
... or an admission.
- Baby, I got diabetes.
- Oh, no, Turk, really?
Carla...
I call this Turk's diabetes box.
Here is a recipe
for sugar-free brownies.
OK, here's a bunch of articles
I downloaded off of the Inter...
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Of course, sometimes
it's not about the words.
It's just about having
someone there to listen.
Our dad is ranting and raving
cos he's an office supply salesman,
and he can't find a paperclip
in the entire house.
He gets to work the next morning,
realises he's got a million of them
in the trunk of his car.
The trunk is filled with boxes of them.
Here's to your dad.
you grow accustomed to a lot of things:
Sickness, death, Ted's morning
self-affirmation ritual.
People are laughing with you.
People are laughing with you.
One thing Turk
couldn't get accustomed to
was his wife being friends
with a psychiatrist.
- What do you want for lunch today?
- Baby, please, not in front of her.
Why are you not comfortable around me?
You can get in people's heads.
Don't take this negatively,
but that makes you a devil woman.
Who could imagine
what it's like in your head?
I'll take this one.
Hey. Welcome to Turk's head.
You look really hot.
Wait a second.
You're not a lesbian.
I am in here.
Yeah, me too.
Damn it!
Molly, you're a shrink.
Why is it my daydreams end
right before the sexy part?
I don't know.
Maybe we should work on that...
...together.
- Damn it!
- Dude.
Relax...
...and enjoy hot chocolate love.
Snap out of it!
Abort! Abort!
Stop it! I don't have gay jungle fever!
- OK, we should go.
- Yeah.
- Mr Garcia's family's here.
- Fantastic.
Telling a family
their loved one has died is never easy.
That's why doctors have a variety
of techniques for breaking the news.
There's the hand on shoulder.
There's hand on hand.
And, of course, the always popular
resident kabuki theatre.
I'm sorry for your loss.
As for my family, we had
our own way of breaking the news.
Hey, little brother.
We did it with cake.
What happened?
A guy can't travel 800 miles on a bus
with a cake to say, "How're things"?
Dan.
Dad died.
There's ice cream in the fridge.
You guys are back.
Sorry I had to blow out of there
after the funeral. How was the week?
Spent most time
dealing with the headstone.
Dad was an office supplies salesman,
he wanted it shaped like a pencil.
- So?
- It looked like a giant marble penis,
which Dad would've liked more.
How you doin', buddy?
I don't know.
It hasn't hit me yet.
It will eventually. Don't worry.
When it does, big bro will be there.
- What is it?
- Dan, I love you,
but being there for people
isn't your thing.
No, that was the old Dan.
Look at me. This is new Dan.
I'm totally here for you.
Dan, you've been in here for,
like, nine hours. Are you OK?
I'd feel better if you could give
that "H" knob a little twist.
Body temp is a bit low.
Now I can feel my tootsies.
So, what do you think
of the new convertible, Ted?
Why don't I have one of these?
Well, howdy, Dr Kelso.
Ain't she a beaut?
I rented 'er so's I could repair
the air conditioning unit.
Looks expensive.
Who authorised this?
Why, you did, sir.
Must've been Tuesday last.
Stop talkin' like a farmer.
I did no such thing!
I'm not sure how one would go about
making a janitor's life more miserable,
but what say we start by docking your
pay for the cost of this monstrosity?
Oh, God!
It won't smooth down!
It's nice to meet you too, Chuck.
Oh. He's having one
of his Love Connection dreams.
You sure?
I'd love to go out with her again
if you'll pay for it.
- Poppy.
- What?
We've been looking all over for you.
Why? What did I miss?
Bye, Carla. Sorry I didn't
get to meet your husband.
Mr Woolery, what've you been doing
since Love Connection was cancelled?
Love Connection was never cancelled.
It's just not on TV anymore.
I still do episodes in my basement
with singles from the neighbourhood.
- I'm not crazy.
- No.
Aw, stupid nap!
I've been a little sleepy
these last couple of weeks.
I've dropped a few pounds. I don't know.
I think I got the flu, baby.
- No!
- Yeah.
You're not allowed to get sick.
You're my superman.
I mean, if you're in bed,
who's gonna give me my back rubs
or unscrew
the peanut butter jar, or...
...walk around all day in my new
high heels just to stretch them out?
She's kidding.
I've never done that.
Not in front of the devil woman.
Sorry.
- I got a new pair of pumps.
- No.
Whenever
someone close to you dies,
it's important to keep
your head above water.
Dan!
I'm up!
It wasn't exactly easy
showering with you in there.
It wasn't exactly easy for me,
either.
You have Dad's butt.
You think you'll get out
of the tub today?
Today doesn't look good.
Get me beer?
Look, I put a six-pack
for you in the toilet.
- I gotta go to work.
- OK, little brother.
Call me if you need... anything. I mean,
anything from this particular area.
Hello, my old friend.
Success.
Look, Mr Cannon,
let's drop the forgetful act!
Now, if you don't sign these papers,
this hospital will discharge you,
and then we'll see what you do
and do not remember!
The man has Alzheimer's, bozo.
It still won't smooth down!
He's not a day over 55,
and he has Alzheimer's.
Really makes you think, doesn't it?
You're over 55,
aren't you, sir?
- What's your point?
- Nothin'.
Though I deal with death
every time I walk into this place,
I'd never dealt with it from this side.
It's full of surprises, whether it's
a small gesture from a co-worker...
... or a big gesture from
someone you've never met.
Walk tall, kiddo.
Of course, sometimes it's a little
awkward, even with an old friend.
- I just wanted to...
- Yeah.
- Look...
- Thanks.
- 'K.
- 'K.
Say, Barbie,
for a second there,
I thought you were being a little cold,
but then you saved it with the...
"'K."
What are you gonna do,
hide, then call him Ginger?
No. It's Monday, which,
of course, means it's ethnic day,
so I'll be going with Rosalita.
Besides, I have a plan.
- Which is?
- Yeah, unfortunately,
the first part of the plan is not
to share it with people who annoy me.
Want to hear the second part?
- Sure.
- I can't.
My hands are tied by the first part.
Baby, look at you.
Please go see our doctor.
I hate Dr Kim.
He always makes me take my pants off,
even that time I went in for pink eye.
I gotta pee.
Don't you think it's weird
you've gone seven times today?
I think it's weird you're counting.
It's impossible to get
a doctor to see a doctor.
I'm on it.
Excuse me.
Did somebody say they're lookin'
for the baddest detective in town?
Awesome afro.
I'm sorry to barge in on you, but
I was wondering if you could help me.
I have this patient, constantly tired,
always peeing, losing weight.
You should have him checked out.
He might have diabetes.
The good news is that
it's Type 2 diabetes.
It's still serious,
but it's totally manageable.
Devil woman gave me diabetes.
- How you holdin' up, Bambi?
- I'm OK. You have my charts?
Didn't anyone tell you? They switched
your shift. You're off today.
OK.
- He bought it.
- Great, great, great.
I took all his patients
and I threatened his residents
under penalty of death not to page him.
One last thing left to do.
What is this?
Basic homemade anti-drowning device
to be worn till your brother returns.
- I like it.
- Oh, boy.
Tryin' to cut back.
Where the hell is my car?
I parked it right there.
I know I parked it.
For God's sake,
am I losing my mind?
What the hell?
Tommy! Take me up!
He's comin' back!
- Hey, you want a beer?
- Absotively.
Bath water.
Backwash.
- There you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Hey, Dan, if Dad were here right now,
what would you say to him?
I think he'd be glad to hear that.
Maybe it was
because I finally slowed down.
Maybe it was remembering
Dad's passion for bodily functions.
But at that moment, it all hit me.
Unfortunately, I'm not sure
Dan's the guy to talk about it with.
Slow down, little duck.
Some ducks can't hold their water.
It's OK. I know.
There's a lot in life
that can let you down.
It can be your mind...
- ... or your body.
- Call me if you have any questions.
- I'm here for my ear infection.
- Go in and take your pants off.
So, what'd he say?
Oh, it's the flu, like I said.
Luckily for me,
I had someone to lean on.
Can I talk to you for a second?
- Nope.
- Really?
Not even two seconds to talk to me?
Look, newbie... Oh, for God's sake.
I'm a little swamped. Thank you.
You know what sucks? I thought
you were gonna come through for me.
In a minute. Hey, Newbie,
just in case you didn't actually notice,
I have been covering all your patients,
answering all your pages
and doing everything shy of picking up
your sundress from the cleaners.
Well, I didn't ask you
to do any of that, did I?
Outstanding! You're walkin' away like
a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo!
Bravo, huh?
What are we clappin' for?
His dad just died.
Damn it.
Why are you still antagonising him?
I don't know.
I can't stop.
You'd better come through for him.
What do you want me to do?
Be more sensitive.
Try giving him a hug.
Barbie, you've met me before. Yes?
Now, at most,
I can muster one hug a year.
And nine months ago,
I hugged my son,
so you're gonna have to do it.
You saw us before?
We're still awkward from the break-up.
Hold the phone.
Are you suggesting
that if I sleep with him that I won't
have to deal with problems like this?
I'm considering taking that hit.
Honestly,
what is he like in post-game?
Is there spooning? Because
I don't spoon. I'm not a spooner.
Well, it took a whole tube of gel,
but I finally got my hair down.
No one, male or female,
ever cared, Ted.
Where the hell
are my reading glasses?
The last few days,
I'm beginning to feel the old noodle
is really letting me down.
I'm sure I'm just
making mountains out of molehills.
Don't you think, Ted?
Ted?
Hey, Wonderbra.
Do you have a second?
- For what?
- I'm giving you a hug.
I was wonderin'
what that crane was for.
So, now, how would you like
this whole hug thing to go down?
Do you want to remain seated?
As long as it's under three seconds
and I don't feel breath on my neck.
You're making fun of me
cos I need help getting through this.
No, I'm really trying.
You know what? I'm sick of getting
dumped on, and I am sick of you.
- Newbie, don't shove me.
- Oh, really? Why not?
Because whenever anybody
shoves me more than twice,
my mind goes blank, and all I see
is this white-hot flash of fury.
When someone shoves you like this?
- So? How'd it go?
- Punched him in the face.
You want me to kick his ass?
No need. I already
got him back and then some.
- On the window, huh?
- Yeah!
Here we go.
- Oh, God. Who died?
- No. It's for Turk.
- I'll get you some milk?
- Yeah!
What's the occasion?
I have Type 2 diabetes.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That sucks. Carla is aware if you eat
that, your foot will fall off, right?
I haven't told her yet.
I'm sure she knows cos
she's trying to get me to fess up
by tempting her chocolaty goodness
with chocolaty goodness.
Babe, do you want
some hot fudge sugar sauce?
Oh, hell, yeah!
- Why haven't you told her?
- I'm not sure.
Can I tell you something weird?
You can tell me anything.
Your dad dying
has stolen my diabetes' thunder.
My God!
Just this second I was thinking
your diabetes is gonna get
in the way of my dad dying.
Isn't that funny?
Cool!
I smell cake.
If Uncle Bertie died, someone's
gonna have to go on a beer run.
Thanks again for inviting me
to your house for dinner.
I did?
Yes, sir, you did.
- Hey, where's your brother?
- JD!
- He's not here.
- Look, Dan...
It's Captain Bubblebeard.
Avast, matey! Shut your scupper
and bury your steel!
We should be seen...
Now you're Dan again.
Let's break down
the kid's support system.
He's got me,
an emotionally crippled narcissist,
and he's got you,
an emotionally crippled narcissist
who's soaking in a tub of what by now
has to be mostly your own urine.
I believe the ratio's shifted that way.
And I have got to believe that
the two of us together, together, Dan,
we can make it at least halfway
to one legitimate adult.
You're right, Coxy.
Damn it, Coxsmith,
crybaby time is over.
The kid needs us,
and he needs us now.
- Towel.
- Thank you. Let's rock'n'roll.
I may have lost
some muscle mass in my legs.
Fantastic.
I want to apologise to you
for that whole "devil woman" thing.
I promise you I will never
call you that again.
It's OK. I can understand
why you're uncomfortable around me.
I sometimes do see
everyone as a patient.
You know, surgeons do that too.
Come on,
let's see who's better at it.
Hip replacement.
- Alcoholic. That was easy.
- Yeah.
Quadruple bypass,
two on me.
Trying to validate herself,
so she'll sleep with anyone.
Hey, Turk.
What's up, Charice? All right?
See, that was before Carla.
So, what about me?
Come on,
you know you want to.
Well, Carla calls you her superman,
and you love that.
The diabetes
makes you feel vulnerable,
and you're afraid
if you're open to her about it,
you won't be
her superman anymore.
Yeah.
Devil woman.
Sorry.
My God. I'm sorry
about the "wash me" thing!
Put that on.
Dan? You were out with him?
I thought you dissolved.
This is the way to do this
without feeling uncomfortable. Drink.
- Now talk.
- What do you want me to talk about?
The pros and cons of
blitzing a weak side corner
in third and long situations?
Thank you,
Football for Dummies.
I gotta tell you, little brother,
you were always the apple of Dad's eye.
That's the worst thing about college
football. The male cheerleaders...
That's a chick.
When my father died,
all I could focus on
was how much he was never there,
but you, you're lucky.
You got some positive stuff
you can dwell on.
Throw the ball, you jackass.
He is a jackass.
I mean, I met your father.
I remember like it was yesterday.
After about two seconds,
I could tell how proud he was of you.
Then I heard something
I never thought I'd hear.
Truth be told there, Newbie...
...l'm proud of you.
Me too.
It's amazing how a few simple words
can change everything.
Whether it's an apology...
I'm sorry I came down so hard on you.
I've been a bit forgetful lately.
I suppose it's possible that I could've
told you you could rent that crane.
Sir...
...apology accepted.
Hey! Tommy,
what are you doing?!
Tommy's been let go.
Have a nice weekend.
You too, sir.
... or an admission.
- Baby, I got diabetes.
- Oh, no, Turk, really?
Carla...
I call this Turk's diabetes box.
Here is a recipe
for sugar-free brownies.
OK, here's a bunch of articles
I downloaded off of the Inter...
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Of course, sometimes
it's not about the words.
It's just about having
someone there to listen.
Our dad is ranting and raving
cos he's an office supply salesman,
and he can't find a paperclip
in the entire house.
He gets to work the next morning,
realises he's got a million of them
in the trunk of his car.
The trunk is filled with boxes of them.
Here's to your dad.