Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 5 - Her Story - full transcript
Elliot, who thinks of Molly as her mentor, finds out that she isn't perfect. Carla gets tired of Turk waking her up when he enters the bedroom and enforces a bedtime on him. J.D. loses what little respect of his residents he had.
Even though I was
already an amazing doctor,
when I became chief resident, I decided
to add something extra to my repertoire.
A hook, if you will.
Mrs MacCalla, 40s, moderately
attractive, condition improving.
Did you just say
I was moderately attractive?
Excuse me, Mrs MacCalla.
Patient's complaint of hearing loss
was clearly to get attention.
Where'd you get the idea
for the stupid tape recorder?
Dude, I love
your new tape recorder.
You two are idiots.
Come on, Carla, I wanted a hook,
and I only had one other idea.
Mr Hawkins, the results
of your tests are back,
- and you have...
- Liver disease. Liver disease.
Sorry. That's all he can say.
You don't have liver disease.
You have inoperable lung cancer.
- Liver disease.
- If only, Chauncey.
Bottom line, a recorder won't
fly away and break your heart.
Sorry. I'm just a little edgy because
my husband woke me up last night,
and he knows once I'm up
I can't go back to sleep.
Baby, I was quiet last night.
Great, I'm awake.
Sorry about that, sweetness.
Since you're up,
I was wondering if we could...
Are you crazy?
No, Turk. I...
Gesundheit.
I love my new tape recorder.
Not only is it a timesaver,
I can record my every thought.
I like toast.
They aren't all winners.
Still, as long as I have this thing,
I don't need to be
in my head so much.
Excuse me.
Why did I say excuse me?
He bumped into me.
I have to stop doing that.
Excuse me!
Frick!
Got you a blueberry muffin,
but you don't like blueberries,
so I picked 'em out.
People think Molly's off,
but I totally get her.
She's like the big sister
I always wanted.
She makes me feel
better about myself.
They're so not finger toes.
These are finger toes.
- Yours are cute, like French fries.
- Really?
Yeah. I can do calligraphy with mine.
She looks after me.
Sorry, sorry!
She makes me do things
I don't normally do.
She's the Peppermint Patty
to my Marcie.
You know, minus the thick glasses
and the strong lesbian vibe.
Half of what rappers say
doesn't make sense.
Like that Snoop Dogg,
Dr. Dre song.
What does "still hittin' them corners
and those Ho Hos, girl" mean?
Many disadvantaged African-Americans
have limited nutritional choices.
Therefore, they must subsist
on Ho Ho snack cakes.
It's a black thing, bro.
It's, "Still hittin' them corners
in them low-lows, girl."
Low-lows, not Ho Hos.
See, Turk, in the hood,
a low-low is a low rider
or a car with an adjusted suspension
that allows it to bounce up and down.
Dre and Snoop enjoy driving together
in their low riders around the corners,
or lizzle rizzles.
Turk, you just got schooled on rap
by the two whitest chicks in America.
- None of you can prove it.
- I got it on tape.
There's Dr Kelso. OK,
you're chief resident now, so say hi.
Don't stop, or you'll have
to say something,
and you know you
don't improvise well.
- Hi, Dr Kelso.
- Dr Reid.
I see you've trimmed your nose hair.
Frick on a stick!
Molly's nervous cos
her boyfriend's in town.
Mike's private, so when we go to dinner
pretend I never told you personal stuff.
Gotcha.
Mike's got a curved peep.
Watch your step there, little lady.
Thanks, Janitor.
He is so sweet.
But why doesn't he just put up
a sign that says "wet floor"?
Wet floor.
Sorry. I was recording some thoughts
and I slipped and fell.
Give me this.
Possible nicknames for Dr Cox
when we become best friends:
The Coxinator, Cox of Seagulls.
Here it comes. Another condescending
rant about how we suck at ourjobs.
Since you two have
become chief residents,
I've noticed your leadership skills
are... How can I put this delicately?
...crap!
- Oh, sir...
- That is so not nice.
Some people say I'm a good leader.
Why don't you go and get that
young resident there to come up here?
- Easy. Lonnie?
- Not right now.
Yes, sir?
Slap yourself very hard
in the face then leave.
Anyway, one of you two is going
to speak at Grand Rounds today.
Here comes the part where he throws me
to the wolves to protect his prot?g?.
Barbie, you're up.
Perfect.
Our TV's working.
Why are you reading?
I'm researching leadership
techniques for my residents.
You're better off
watching good ol' Papa Smurf.
Yeah. He says leadership
boils down to three things:
Smurfaration,
smurfaration, smurf.
Preparation,
inspiration and fear?
You know it.
Are we playing pillow feet again?
I'm not waking Carla tonight.
Turk.
I'm sorry, baby.
- So you're definitely up now, huh?
- Yes.
That's it. From now on, you and I
are going to bed at the same time.
That's fine. You know what, baby?
Since you're up, I was wondering...
No, Turk! I can't
believe that you...
Oh, my God!
How does she eat like that
and stay so thin?
If I didn't love her,
I'd spread rumours that she's bulimic.
So how's it going?
I'm freaking out about Grand Rounds.
Cox hung me out to dry again.
You'll be fine. Just do what I do,
fake it till you make it.
Like when a guy's bad in bed,
and you pretend he's awesome
so he doesn't go to a special store,
buy a weird pump
- and accidentally run into your dad?
- Kind of.
See Dr Kelso there?
I have to justify my programme
for our psychotic homeless population.
Am I scared to go over
to his table of stuffy fat guys
cos I know they're
just gonna stare at my chest?
Of course. But...
...l'm just gonna act confident,
and they're gonna believe I'm confident.
Wow.
Excuse me.
Yep, those are my boobs.
Have you had time
to go over my proposal?
Yes. Medical care
for crazy homeless people.
- Sounds like a money-maker.
- You know it's a good idea.
As I watched Molly shielding
her boobs and working her magic,
I realised she wasn't just my friend.
She's the mentor
I've always been looking for.
Check out my man
getting his leadership on.
First he hits 'em
with a little preparation.
Questions about
evolving treatment therapies?
Next, inspiration.
You guys all have the potential
to be amazing doctors.
And finally, a dose of fear.
OK. I'll see you guys.
Fear might need a little work,
but otherwise, smurftastic!
- That's how I smurf, baby.
- Mmm, Smurfette.
Blue boobies.
- Who wants another beer?
- Turk, it's bedtime.
Baby, when you said
we'd go to sleep at the same time,
I thought you meant
you'd stay up until I went to sleep.
Turk, that's crazy talk.
But the guys are here,
and it's the ninth inning.
Gentlemen, a moment
for our fallen comrade.
How old is this patient?
Seventy-nine.
And how old would you say he was
when you started this procedure?
The more I thought
about how awesome Molly is,
the more I got sick of Dr Cox's crap.
Oh, my God.
I could fly to China,
adopt a child, raise her
and send her to medical school
and then train her to do this procedure
in the time it's taken you to finish it.
Enough!
He's never been there for you.
Burn this bridge once and for all.
- Barbie, honest to God...
- You know what, Dr Cox?
I have so had it with this
whole macho alpha-male thing,
and I have heard every tired,
recycled putdown you have in you.
Save your stupid lessons
for someone who gives a frick,
because I don't want to see you
or that stupid poodle perm
unless it's walkin' away from me.
God, that felt great!
Hopefully, it won't have
ramifications for anyone else.
I'm feeling so good today
I still feel good
cos nobody saw me fall
That sound you're hearing
is my residents' respect.
- It feels good.
- Gloria!
You were supposed to start
pre-rounds at 7.00. It's now 7.03.
Sorry I'm late.
I was singing, and I fell.
I know I've used the falling excuse
before, but it happened again.
I know the only thing
you've been responsible for
was picking which
Duran Duran cover band
would play at your sorority formal,
but you're supposed to teach.
So how's about
you learn how to walk,
ditch the tape recorder
and act like you got a pair!
Kill Lonnie.
I felt great
after telling Dr Cox off. Why?
Because I knew I had
someone to support me,
someone to look up to,
someone pretty amazing.
Wow!
That outfit would look
better on my floor.
Mistake.
No! Not the Lasso of Truth!
I once had a threesome,
and not the cool kind.
- We gotta do dinner another night.
- How come?
Mike got up and wanted to read
the paper, and I don't get it.
He went to the neighbour's,
and they don't get it.
He broke into their garage, stole
their car and wrapped it around a pole.
- Oh, my God! Is he OK?
- I've been better.
Oh, sorry.
Mike, Elliot. Elliot, Mike.
- Great.
- I'll be right in.
Elliot, I'm sorry.
I know all about how it is
when you think a guy's great
and he ends up a car thief.
Relationships are never perfect,
and Mike's got potential.
He's got the most beautiful eyes
I've ever seen.
My God,
my mentor's a crazy person.
- Molly!
- Coming, babe.
- So, rain check on the dinner.
- Yeah.
Watching Molly,
I found myself asking
the same questions I always do.
Did I line up
behind the wrong person?
Am I too much of a wimp?
Oh, my God! What a catch!
Will people around here
ever respect me?
Guys.
Guys. Guys!
Unfortunately,
I closed the door on the creep
who used to occasionally
give me answers.
I just had to hope
that I hadn't closed it for good.
Dr Cox, do you have a sec?
It's gonna be OK, sweetie.
As I watched Molly gently stroke
the hand of a convicted felon,
I had to admit,
his eyes were stunning.
I couldn't help but think what
the next few years would be like
if she was my mentor.
The police caught this guy
robbing a liquor store,
tox screen is positive
for methamphetamines and cocaine.
- OK, what should I do?
- Make out with him. He's such a catch.
Hi. I'm Dr Reid.
What's up?
Dr Cox went ballistic
in front of my residents.
Now I've lost my mojo.
Check this out.
- Hey, JD.
- You see? There's no fear.
- Can you help a brother out?
- I have my own problems.
I've got a bedtime again.
I haven't had one in 12 years.
- You had a bedtime when you were 17?
- Not every night.
On weekends, I didn't have
to be in bed, just in my room.
That's way cooler.
Carla's setting a record on being
a pain in the ass, and I can't help you.
Carla's setting a record
on being a major pain in the ass,
and I can't help you.
OK, here's what you do.
OK, you can't
bend that way anymore,
cos when you do,
that last vertebrae sticks out
and makes you look
like a prehistoric camel.
- What are you thinking?
- Same ol', same ol'.
- Camel butt?
- Yeah.
Can you warn everyone
that Mike gets a little handsy
when he's on the painkillers?
- Dr Vaji already told us.
- It was horrible.
Elliot, want to grab some lunch?
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.
I'm busy.
OK.
I felt bad, but it was time
to start pulling away.
- Dr Cox.
- Hold on.
Bob, did you happen to order
any of the pain in the ass?
- No.
- We didn't order the pain in the ass.
- You yelled in front of my residents.
- I didn't.
So how's about you learn to walk,
ditch the tape recorder
and act like you got a pair!
I'll let you two talk.
Perry, I'd be remiss if I didn't tell
you that earlier I wish I'd said,
"I must've ordered the pain
in the ass seeing as you're there."
Here I was thinking the same thing.
Let's do this again.
Tell you what there, Gidget,
if you promise to leave right now,
I won't yell at you
- in front of your peons anymore.
- You ruined my credibility!
Look me in the eyes and tell me
that's not messed up.
Fair enough.
Later when you're with residents,
I'll come up for something.
You'll tell me
you're too busy in a manly way,
and I'll contritely turn around
and walk out
with my tail between my legs.
Problem solved.
- Can you pull off contrite?
- Can you pull off manly way?
Should've seen that coming.
Turk, would you pour me
a cup of decaf, please?
- We gotta go to bed early tonight.
- I'll have some of that decaf, son.
No, sir. See, this is regular.
I gotta give Carla the strong stuff
just to keep her awake
so I can stay up later.
Drugging your own wife.
Been there. Careful, though.
Starts with coffee.
Next thing you know,
you're rooting around for an adrenaline
shot to counteract a Valium overdose.
- Your coffee, my love.
- Thank you, my husband.
What a fun day.
Hey, camel butt.
I heard you and Carla talking.
Frick on a stick with a brick!
Just leave.
Oh, whoa now.
What happened to...
what happened to feisty Barbie?
You know, it took me
a hell of a lot to shake off
that tongue-lashing
you gave me yesterday.
Yesterday I had a mentor,
but she turned out to be insane.
How am I supposed to take
professional advice
from somebody who can't
hold together their personal life?
I know you and I
have never really connected.
Maybe that's because
you're relentlessly annoying,
or maybe it's my fault
because I can't tolerate
relentlessly annoying people.
I don't know.
But answer me one question.
Do you think I'm a good teacher?
- To some people.
- Fair enough.
Why don't we go ahead and
take a look at my personal life?
I am in love with a woman that I hate,
my two-year-old son
calls me Pewwy,
and this is something that I've never
actually shared with anybody before,
but on Saturday nights, I like to throw
on a nice dress, go out to dive bars
and insist that everybody
call me Mrs Haberdasher.
No, you don't.
Even if I did,
it wouldn't really matter
since that has nothing to do
with how good of a teacher I am.
Stick with me here, Barbie. The point is
that if you've found somebody
who makes you believe in yourself
as much as you did yesterday, well...
...I would think twice
before I wrote that person off.
OK, everybody,
gather around, please.
Newbie, I need to talk to you.
I'm a little busy right now, Perry.
Oh. My fault.
I'll come back later.
Oh, and another thing.
From now on, I'd prefer it if
you'd address me as Dr Dorian.
- Are you really doing this?
- You bet your ass I am.
And from now on,
if you have a problem with me,
you come see me in private,
not in front of my boys.
My boys got enough to worry about.
Wrap it up there, Bingo.
I simply will not tolerate it, Perry!
And neither will my boys.
The next minute you find
yourself alone, I'm gonna kill you.
It was worth it.
Lonnie, slap the face.
All of you, slap your faces.
Awesome.
It's morning already?
No, but I could see
how you think that,
being that it's light out
and we're in bed.
Baby, since we've got married,
I've done every little thing
you've asked me to do.
But I will not
have my woman tell me
when I need to go to bed, OK?
- OK.
- Really? That quick?
I love it when you're all,
"My woman this, my woman that."
That's what I thought.
Good night.
Can we leave the lights on?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Molly? I was wondering
if I could get your advice,
if you're not too busy with Mike.
Actually, we decided
to take a little break.
- How long?
- Two to five years.
I freaked you out a little bit
with him, didn't I?
I try not to judge.
I know I should know better.
I'm a shrink.
But show me a guy who wants
to get married and has a good job,
and it's snoozeville for me.
But if you know a 35-year-old
who still lives at home
and he still thinks
his band can make it,
tell me where to meet him
so I can buy him dinner.
Listening to Molly
made me realise
a person doesn't have to be perfect
to be exactly what you need.
Yeah. I've dated
some pretty immature guys too.
Hello, tiny ladies.
I don't believe we've met.
I'm the world's most giant doctor.
Nice to...
As I watched Elliot and Molly walk off
and thought about how Lonnie
was a much less stable
giant doctor base than Turk,
I realised how important it is
to have someone close to you
that you can count on.
Lonnie! Damn you!
Especially if that someone is a resident
that can keep Dr Cox from killing you.
Not in front of my boys.
This is Lonnie. He's one of my boys.
Not sure what that means.
See you later.
Sometimes you have to keep
people closer than you'd like.
That was too easy.
No way I'm doing that
seven nights a week.
In my case, it was best
just to keep my distance.
May I have a word with you? Go.
I wonder if we're going
to a happy place.
already an amazing doctor,
when I became chief resident, I decided
to add something extra to my repertoire.
A hook, if you will.
Mrs MacCalla, 40s, moderately
attractive, condition improving.
Did you just say
I was moderately attractive?
Excuse me, Mrs MacCalla.
Patient's complaint of hearing loss
was clearly to get attention.
Where'd you get the idea
for the stupid tape recorder?
Dude, I love
your new tape recorder.
You two are idiots.
Come on, Carla, I wanted a hook,
and I only had one other idea.
Mr Hawkins, the results
of your tests are back,
- and you have...
- Liver disease. Liver disease.
Sorry. That's all he can say.
You don't have liver disease.
You have inoperable lung cancer.
- Liver disease.
- If only, Chauncey.
Bottom line, a recorder won't
fly away and break your heart.
Sorry. I'm just a little edgy because
my husband woke me up last night,
and he knows once I'm up
I can't go back to sleep.
Baby, I was quiet last night.
Great, I'm awake.
Sorry about that, sweetness.
Since you're up,
I was wondering if we could...
Are you crazy?
No, Turk. I...
Gesundheit.
I love my new tape recorder.
Not only is it a timesaver,
I can record my every thought.
I like toast.
They aren't all winners.
Still, as long as I have this thing,
I don't need to be
in my head so much.
Excuse me.
Why did I say excuse me?
He bumped into me.
I have to stop doing that.
Excuse me!
Frick!
Got you a blueberry muffin,
but you don't like blueberries,
so I picked 'em out.
People think Molly's off,
but I totally get her.
She's like the big sister
I always wanted.
She makes me feel
better about myself.
They're so not finger toes.
These are finger toes.
- Yours are cute, like French fries.
- Really?
Yeah. I can do calligraphy with mine.
She looks after me.
Sorry, sorry!
She makes me do things
I don't normally do.
She's the Peppermint Patty
to my Marcie.
You know, minus the thick glasses
and the strong lesbian vibe.
Half of what rappers say
doesn't make sense.
Like that Snoop Dogg,
Dr. Dre song.
What does "still hittin' them corners
and those Ho Hos, girl" mean?
Many disadvantaged African-Americans
have limited nutritional choices.
Therefore, they must subsist
on Ho Ho snack cakes.
It's a black thing, bro.
It's, "Still hittin' them corners
in them low-lows, girl."
Low-lows, not Ho Hos.
See, Turk, in the hood,
a low-low is a low rider
or a car with an adjusted suspension
that allows it to bounce up and down.
Dre and Snoop enjoy driving together
in their low riders around the corners,
or lizzle rizzles.
Turk, you just got schooled on rap
by the two whitest chicks in America.
- None of you can prove it.
- I got it on tape.
There's Dr Kelso. OK,
you're chief resident now, so say hi.
Don't stop, or you'll have
to say something,
and you know you
don't improvise well.
- Hi, Dr Kelso.
- Dr Reid.
I see you've trimmed your nose hair.
Frick on a stick!
Molly's nervous cos
her boyfriend's in town.
Mike's private, so when we go to dinner
pretend I never told you personal stuff.
Gotcha.
Mike's got a curved peep.
Watch your step there, little lady.
Thanks, Janitor.
He is so sweet.
But why doesn't he just put up
a sign that says "wet floor"?
Wet floor.
Sorry. I was recording some thoughts
and I slipped and fell.
Give me this.
Possible nicknames for Dr Cox
when we become best friends:
The Coxinator, Cox of Seagulls.
Here it comes. Another condescending
rant about how we suck at ourjobs.
Since you two have
become chief residents,
I've noticed your leadership skills
are... How can I put this delicately?
...crap!
- Oh, sir...
- That is so not nice.
Some people say I'm a good leader.
Why don't you go and get that
young resident there to come up here?
- Easy. Lonnie?
- Not right now.
Yes, sir?
Slap yourself very hard
in the face then leave.
Anyway, one of you two is going
to speak at Grand Rounds today.
Here comes the part where he throws me
to the wolves to protect his prot?g?.
Barbie, you're up.
Perfect.
Our TV's working.
Why are you reading?
I'm researching leadership
techniques for my residents.
You're better off
watching good ol' Papa Smurf.
Yeah. He says leadership
boils down to three things:
Smurfaration,
smurfaration, smurf.
Preparation,
inspiration and fear?
You know it.
Are we playing pillow feet again?
I'm not waking Carla tonight.
Turk.
I'm sorry, baby.
- So you're definitely up now, huh?
- Yes.
That's it. From now on, you and I
are going to bed at the same time.
That's fine. You know what, baby?
Since you're up, I was wondering...
No, Turk! I can't
believe that you...
Oh, my God!
How does she eat like that
and stay so thin?
If I didn't love her,
I'd spread rumours that she's bulimic.
So how's it going?
I'm freaking out about Grand Rounds.
Cox hung me out to dry again.
You'll be fine. Just do what I do,
fake it till you make it.
Like when a guy's bad in bed,
and you pretend he's awesome
so he doesn't go to a special store,
buy a weird pump
- and accidentally run into your dad?
- Kind of.
See Dr Kelso there?
I have to justify my programme
for our psychotic homeless population.
Am I scared to go over
to his table of stuffy fat guys
cos I know they're
just gonna stare at my chest?
Of course. But...
...l'm just gonna act confident,
and they're gonna believe I'm confident.
Wow.
Excuse me.
Yep, those are my boobs.
Have you had time
to go over my proposal?
Yes. Medical care
for crazy homeless people.
- Sounds like a money-maker.
- You know it's a good idea.
As I watched Molly shielding
her boobs and working her magic,
I realised she wasn't just my friend.
She's the mentor
I've always been looking for.
Check out my man
getting his leadership on.
First he hits 'em
with a little preparation.
Questions about
evolving treatment therapies?
Next, inspiration.
You guys all have the potential
to be amazing doctors.
And finally, a dose of fear.
OK. I'll see you guys.
Fear might need a little work,
but otherwise, smurftastic!
- That's how I smurf, baby.
- Mmm, Smurfette.
Blue boobies.
- Who wants another beer?
- Turk, it's bedtime.
Baby, when you said
we'd go to sleep at the same time,
I thought you meant
you'd stay up until I went to sleep.
Turk, that's crazy talk.
But the guys are here,
and it's the ninth inning.
Gentlemen, a moment
for our fallen comrade.
How old is this patient?
Seventy-nine.
And how old would you say he was
when you started this procedure?
The more I thought
about how awesome Molly is,
the more I got sick of Dr Cox's crap.
Oh, my God.
I could fly to China,
adopt a child, raise her
and send her to medical school
and then train her to do this procedure
in the time it's taken you to finish it.
Enough!
He's never been there for you.
Burn this bridge once and for all.
- Barbie, honest to God...
- You know what, Dr Cox?
I have so had it with this
whole macho alpha-male thing,
and I have heard every tired,
recycled putdown you have in you.
Save your stupid lessons
for someone who gives a frick,
because I don't want to see you
or that stupid poodle perm
unless it's walkin' away from me.
God, that felt great!
Hopefully, it won't have
ramifications for anyone else.
I'm feeling so good today
I still feel good
cos nobody saw me fall
That sound you're hearing
is my residents' respect.
- It feels good.
- Gloria!
You were supposed to start
pre-rounds at 7.00. It's now 7.03.
Sorry I'm late.
I was singing, and I fell.
I know I've used the falling excuse
before, but it happened again.
I know the only thing
you've been responsible for
was picking which
Duran Duran cover band
would play at your sorority formal,
but you're supposed to teach.
So how's about
you learn how to walk,
ditch the tape recorder
and act like you got a pair!
Kill Lonnie.
I felt great
after telling Dr Cox off. Why?
Because I knew I had
someone to support me,
someone to look up to,
someone pretty amazing.
Wow!
That outfit would look
better on my floor.
Mistake.
No! Not the Lasso of Truth!
I once had a threesome,
and not the cool kind.
- We gotta do dinner another night.
- How come?
Mike got up and wanted to read
the paper, and I don't get it.
He went to the neighbour's,
and they don't get it.
He broke into their garage, stole
their car and wrapped it around a pole.
- Oh, my God! Is he OK?
- I've been better.
Oh, sorry.
Mike, Elliot. Elliot, Mike.
- Great.
- I'll be right in.
Elliot, I'm sorry.
I know all about how it is
when you think a guy's great
and he ends up a car thief.
Relationships are never perfect,
and Mike's got potential.
He's got the most beautiful eyes
I've ever seen.
My God,
my mentor's a crazy person.
- Molly!
- Coming, babe.
- So, rain check on the dinner.
- Yeah.
Watching Molly,
I found myself asking
the same questions I always do.
Did I line up
behind the wrong person?
Am I too much of a wimp?
Oh, my God! What a catch!
Will people around here
ever respect me?
Guys.
Guys. Guys!
Unfortunately,
I closed the door on the creep
who used to occasionally
give me answers.
I just had to hope
that I hadn't closed it for good.
Dr Cox, do you have a sec?
It's gonna be OK, sweetie.
As I watched Molly gently stroke
the hand of a convicted felon,
I had to admit,
his eyes were stunning.
I couldn't help but think what
the next few years would be like
if she was my mentor.
The police caught this guy
robbing a liquor store,
tox screen is positive
for methamphetamines and cocaine.
- OK, what should I do?
- Make out with him. He's such a catch.
Hi. I'm Dr Reid.
What's up?
Dr Cox went ballistic
in front of my residents.
Now I've lost my mojo.
Check this out.
- Hey, JD.
- You see? There's no fear.
- Can you help a brother out?
- I have my own problems.
I've got a bedtime again.
I haven't had one in 12 years.
- You had a bedtime when you were 17?
- Not every night.
On weekends, I didn't have
to be in bed, just in my room.
That's way cooler.
Carla's setting a record on being
a pain in the ass, and I can't help you.
Carla's setting a record
on being a major pain in the ass,
and I can't help you.
OK, here's what you do.
OK, you can't
bend that way anymore,
cos when you do,
that last vertebrae sticks out
and makes you look
like a prehistoric camel.
- What are you thinking?
- Same ol', same ol'.
- Camel butt?
- Yeah.
Can you warn everyone
that Mike gets a little handsy
when he's on the painkillers?
- Dr Vaji already told us.
- It was horrible.
Elliot, want to grab some lunch?
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.
I'm busy.
OK.
I felt bad, but it was time
to start pulling away.
- Dr Cox.
- Hold on.
Bob, did you happen to order
any of the pain in the ass?
- No.
- We didn't order the pain in the ass.
- You yelled in front of my residents.
- I didn't.
So how's about you learn to walk,
ditch the tape recorder
and act like you got a pair!
I'll let you two talk.
Perry, I'd be remiss if I didn't tell
you that earlier I wish I'd said,
"I must've ordered the pain
in the ass seeing as you're there."
Here I was thinking the same thing.
Let's do this again.
Tell you what there, Gidget,
if you promise to leave right now,
I won't yell at you
- in front of your peons anymore.
- You ruined my credibility!
Look me in the eyes and tell me
that's not messed up.
Fair enough.
Later when you're with residents,
I'll come up for something.
You'll tell me
you're too busy in a manly way,
and I'll contritely turn around
and walk out
with my tail between my legs.
Problem solved.
- Can you pull off contrite?
- Can you pull off manly way?
Should've seen that coming.
Turk, would you pour me
a cup of decaf, please?
- We gotta go to bed early tonight.
- I'll have some of that decaf, son.
No, sir. See, this is regular.
I gotta give Carla the strong stuff
just to keep her awake
so I can stay up later.
Drugging your own wife.
Been there. Careful, though.
Starts with coffee.
Next thing you know,
you're rooting around for an adrenaline
shot to counteract a Valium overdose.
- Your coffee, my love.
- Thank you, my husband.
What a fun day.
Hey, camel butt.
I heard you and Carla talking.
Frick on a stick with a brick!
Just leave.
Oh, whoa now.
What happened to...
what happened to feisty Barbie?
You know, it took me
a hell of a lot to shake off
that tongue-lashing
you gave me yesterday.
Yesterday I had a mentor,
but she turned out to be insane.
How am I supposed to take
professional advice
from somebody who can't
hold together their personal life?
I know you and I
have never really connected.
Maybe that's because
you're relentlessly annoying,
or maybe it's my fault
because I can't tolerate
relentlessly annoying people.
I don't know.
But answer me one question.
Do you think I'm a good teacher?
- To some people.
- Fair enough.
Why don't we go ahead and
take a look at my personal life?
I am in love with a woman that I hate,
my two-year-old son
calls me Pewwy,
and this is something that I've never
actually shared with anybody before,
but on Saturday nights, I like to throw
on a nice dress, go out to dive bars
and insist that everybody
call me Mrs Haberdasher.
No, you don't.
Even if I did,
it wouldn't really matter
since that has nothing to do
with how good of a teacher I am.
Stick with me here, Barbie. The point is
that if you've found somebody
who makes you believe in yourself
as much as you did yesterday, well...
...I would think twice
before I wrote that person off.
OK, everybody,
gather around, please.
Newbie, I need to talk to you.
I'm a little busy right now, Perry.
Oh. My fault.
I'll come back later.
Oh, and another thing.
From now on, I'd prefer it if
you'd address me as Dr Dorian.
- Are you really doing this?
- You bet your ass I am.
And from now on,
if you have a problem with me,
you come see me in private,
not in front of my boys.
My boys got enough to worry about.
Wrap it up there, Bingo.
I simply will not tolerate it, Perry!
And neither will my boys.
The next minute you find
yourself alone, I'm gonna kill you.
It was worth it.
Lonnie, slap the face.
All of you, slap your faces.
Awesome.
It's morning already?
No, but I could see
how you think that,
being that it's light out
and we're in bed.
Baby, since we've got married,
I've done every little thing
you've asked me to do.
But I will not
have my woman tell me
when I need to go to bed, OK?
- OK.
- Really? That quick?
I love it when you're all,
"My woman this, my woman that."
That's what I thought.
Good night.
Can we leave the lights on?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Molly? I was wondering
if I could get your advice,
if you're not too busy with Mike.
Actually, we decided
to take a little break.
- How long?
- Two to five years.
I freaked you out a little bit
with him, didn't I?
I try not to judge.
I know I should know better.
I'm a shrink.
But show me a guy who wants
to get married and has a good job,
and it's snoozeville for me.
But if you know a 35-year-old
who still lives at home
and he still thinks
his band can make it,
tell me where to meet him
so I can buy him dinner.
Listening to Molly
made me realise
a person doesn't have to be perfect
to be exactly what you need.
Yeah. I've dated
some pretty immature guys too.
Hello, tiny ladies.
I don't believe we've met.
I'm the world's most giant doctor.
Nice to...
As I watched Elliot and Molly walk off
and thought about how Lonnie
was a much less stable
giant doctor base than Turk,
I realised how important it is
to have someone close to you
that you can count on.
Lonnie! Damn you!
Especially if that someone is a resident
that can keep Dr Cox from killing you.
Not in front of my boys.
This is Lonnie. He's one of my boys.
Not sure what that means.
See you later.
Sometimes you have to keep
people closer than you'd like.
That was too easy.
No way I'm doing that
seven nights a week.
In my case, it was best
just to keep my distance.
May I have a word with you? Go.
I wonder if we're going
to a happy place.