Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 4 - My First Kill - full transcript

Being the new doctor
at a hospital can be difficult.

That's why it's nice when someone
takes the time to befriend you.

I'm Ron. I'm a new doctor here.

Yeah, Ron. The "I don't
care ward" is down there.

Anyway, the person
who reached out to Molly was Elliot.

Do you wanna go to Little Tokyo
and do karaoke with me tonight?

Do people with trichotillomania
pull their hair out?

- Do they?
- Yeah.

Cool. Cos inviting you to karaoke's
kind of a big deal to me.

I'm a little shy about my 'aoke.

You have nothing
to be embarrassed about.



I don't know.
I'm pretty tone-deaf.

I do these kick moves
that I don't think people get.

Plus I sometimes wear a cape.
It's probably all in my head.

It's not.

Dr Cox,
can I ask you something?

The answer is "Yes, it was me
who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym

on that inflatable ball." It was
quite the display of girl power.

Absolutely loved the leg warmers.

First, they were just big socks, OK?

Secondly, if you need to do laundry,
here's the washboard.

- What do you want?
- As co-chief resident,

I've noticed some of my residents
are overwhelmed.

It'd be nice if you gave 'em
one of your patented pep talks.

I'll be more than glad to give
your residents a little pep talk.



Each and every one of you
is going to kill a patient.

At some point during your residency,
you will screw up, they will die

and it will be burned
into your conscience forever.

- Hell, take pee pants here.
- Pee pants.

He might go ahead and get himself
a clean kill this morning,

seeing as his patient,
Miss Sampson, is in DKA

and he hasn't been
tracking her phosphate level.

Her phosphate level.

Doug! Stop writing and go!

That man
has killed so many patients,

I'm starting to think he might be
a government operative.

The point is,
the harder you study,

the longer you just might be able
to hold off that first kill.

Other than that,
I guess, cross your fingers

and hope that the guy you murder
is a jackass with no family.

Great to see you kids.
All the best.

Thank you.
Thank you, Dr Cox.

OK, you guys, pizza and punch
in the penthouse.

Doug!

Wrong patient.
One bed over.

Hey, there.

This is, like, my eleventh slice.

Cannonball this.

That's the good stuff.

So anyway, after Dr Cox scared them,
no one wanted pizza or punch,

except for Doug, who had
worked up a hearty appetite

neglecting Miss Sampson
into a coma.

Turk, what is Rowdy
doing in my closet?

- He's guardin' your shoes.
- He almost gave me a heart attack.

Could you do me a favour

and not hold him by the haunches?
Yeah, he has hip dysplasia.

He's a purebred.
It's genetic.

I am sick of that creepy thing.
I want him out of my house.

Isn't that a shocker? You don't care
about something important to me.

Why don't you throw him out?

Don't listen to him.
He's drunk on cheese.

Don't think Rowdy
doesn't know what's going on.

What's he gonna do?

Easy, boy.
She ain't worth it.

Mrs Carter, your fever was just
a reaction to the aesthetic we gave you

during your cataract surgery.

- I'm sending you home.
- Can I drive my Trans Am?

That's not up to me.
That's up to the police

and the owner
of those horses you killed.

They were everywhere.

You were on a racetrack, Mrs Carter.

I don't get why Turk
was so upset about Rowdy.

He's just a creepy, stuffed,
stupid, yellow, dead dog.

- Too many adjectives?
- I'm sure he's more than a pet to Turk.

I mean, he's basically
a link to his childhood.

He bought him eight years ago
at a garage sale.

Then he's just a Nutter Butter.

Still, I think
I really hurt his feelings.

Maybe you should do something nice
for Rowdy, like get him cleaned.

Your sign doesn't say
"live dog groomer."

As doctors, we always
take patients' histories,

though there aren't a lot of surprises.

And, Mr Phillips, do you exercise?

- I do yoga every morning.
- I can't do yoga.

All that deep breathing.
I hate breathing.

Except, you know, to live.
Do you drink?

- Occasional glass of wine with dinner.
- And any drug use?

Been on and off heroin
for eight years.

But I've been clean
for six months.

- See? No track marks.
- Way to go, Daddy.

He's my biggest fan.

- Do you smoke cigarettes?
- No way.

Of course not.
Those things'll kill ya.

Mr Daniels, some fluid
has gathered near your heart.

I'm gonna schedule a pericardiocentesis
and drain it with a needle.

Someone's gonna stick
a needle in my chest?

- Not just someone. Dr Da Man.
- Who's Dr Da Man?

Say it without the doctor.

- Who's Mr Da Man?
- No, just say the last name.

- Who's Da Man?
- I'm da man!

That was awesome.
That was fun doing that with you.

Now that you've got
his confidence, drive it home.

So I'll schedule the procedure.

- If you think it's the right thing.
- I do. Dr Cox!

Thanks for that "everyone's
a murderer" speech. Nice scare tactic.

My residents have stopped eating.

That wasn't a scare tactic. Eventually,
everyone commits a sin of omission

or doesn't act quickly enough,
and somebody kicks the bucket.

It's really not a question of "if".
It's a question of "when".

It's strange. Even though a lot
of patients have died under my care,

I don't think I've killed any of them.

- Heaven's a diner?
- Get anything you want, dear.

- Maybe I'll have flapjacks.
- They don't have those.

No flapjacks in heaven?
Are flapjacks evil?

Don't worry about it.
Listen, dead people,

do any of you feel that I may have,
you know, killed you?

No.

I mean, you weren't a great doctor.

- He was nervous.
- Oh, like a little bird.

But no, dear,
you didn't kill any of us.

You know what?
I left my wallet back on Earth.

Suckers.

Heard you're tryin' to clean a dead dog.

- Yeah? Who told you that?
- The wind.

Blonde doctor.

- I can clean it for you.
- Why would you do that?

I don't know. I'm still
a little drunk from breakfast.

Plus, taxidermy used to be
kinda a hobby of mine, you know,

till the state took my license away.

How come?

What happened to all the
cute little squirrels, Flo?

Let's call this meeting to order.

First things first, I counted
the ballots and someone voted twice.

Interesting.
I'm not pointing fingers. Roy.

There were never any squirrels.

I've got this patient with a damaged
heart valve and needs a replacement.

He a good candidate for surgery?

Definitely. Thirty-five, married,
good job, cute little boy, great dog.

Can't remember
what kind they said.

Long time recovering heroin addict.
Bulldog. That's what it was.

Named Paris after the city,
not the slutty socialite tramp.

He's a heroin addict?

But he's super-serious about his
sobriety. He's been to rehab six times.

He needs to dial it up
to super-duper-serious.

- I'll tell him.
- Elliot, you know the chief of surgery

isn't gonna accept the risk
of a valve replacement

on someone
who's gonna destroy it with drugs.

- Want some of my pancakes?
- Devil cakes? No, thank you.

Dr Cox is trying to convince me that
everyone eventually kills a patient.

- But I haven't. I know you haven't.
- Hell, yeah, I have.

Remember my first year, Mr Quinn?

I forgot to write the order
for his albumin drip

and he haemorrhaged and died.

You want your doughnut?

And it turned out
Turk wasn't the only one.

Mrs Kahn, my second year.

Mrs Studebaker,
40 minutes into my first day.

I've been a doctor for 30 years.
What do you think?

On my third day,
there was Mr Kershnar.

Jenny Roth about eight weeks ago.
It was really tough because she was hot.

Then later that third day...

Oh, boy. That can't be good.

No, Newbie, I have not killed.

But I happen to be, as always,
the exception that proves the rule.

So right about now,
you gotta be asking yourself,

do you think you're that good?

Oh, my God.
I'm gonna kill someone.

Because of heroin use, Surgery doesn't
wanna give Mr Phillips a heart valve.

Now an ethics committee is gonna
decide if he gets the operation.

I'm freakin' out, I've gotta argue
his case. My God. Is it already 2.00?

That's Greenland time.

So I remember to call my mom on her
vacation before she goes on the boat.

The boat?

She's been sleeping
with a commercial salmon fisherman.

How fun for her.

I've dealt with ethics committees.
You're gonna be great.

- The key is to be confident.
- Well, I'm not.

I'll tell you what.
I'll go with you for moral support.

If things get dicey
cos it's a bunch of stuffed shirts,

then we can make out.
They'll give you what you want.

What? I thought I heard something.

Goodbye, Todd.

Back to the transplant.

So who's even on an ethics committee?

Obviously higher-ups.

The chief of medicine,

a sharp legal mind

and an older doctor
with a wealth of experience.

If Edwards is dead,
I want his cupcake.

Not yet.

As I was contemplating how easy it
would be to make my first fatal mistake,

I had a feeling Mr Daniels
felt good about this procedure.

I feel good about this.

See? We all end up leaning on certain
clich?s when making major decisions.

Like "Don't jump off a bridge if you
don't know how deep the water is. "

This procedure's too risky now.
We should wait.

And of course, the classic:

"No matter how clean
the janitor gets your dead dog,

you need to put him in the trunk
and not leave him on the roof. "

And the lesser known,

"You can accomplish anything
with a friend by your side. "

I understand that
because of his drug problem

you don't think Mr Phillips
is a good candidate for surgery,

but he understands that
this heart valve is a responsibility.

Those of you who have met him,
like Ted, can attest to this.

This is a very dicey case.
Ted, what do you think?

She knows my name.
Whatever she wants.

Very ethical.
Why don't I open the floor

to those people who currently
do not have erections?

Dr Clock. Think this guy'll stay clean?

I'm here as a friend.
I think you should ask Ted again.

Oh, good God,
she knows it too. Am I awake?

Dr Clock,
Edwards here is, at best,

a few minutes away
from walking towards the light.

So, what say you stop wasting our time
and give me your professional opinion?

Of course, sometimes,
friends will surprise you.

Mr Phillips' numerous relapses

paint the picture of someone
who has not overcome his addiction.

So no, I don't think he will.

Karaoke's so off.

Look, I know you're mad.

Why? Because you
betrayed me? Betrayer.

They asked for my professional opinion,
I had to give it.

If you were a real friend,
you could've lied, made out with me.

Stuff we talked about.

- Did I just hear?
- Todd!

I wanna work this out.

I have to see this schizophrenic
patient. It's already 6.00.

No, Molly, it's 3.00. You're
still on stupid Greenland time.

Shoot. I forgot to call
my mom and Yergi.

I know I bailed on Mr Daniels,

but the whole having not
killed thing got in my head.

- Still, no one will notice.
- Ah, Kiki Dee.

I heard Mr Daniels isn't getting
his pericardiocentesis. Since when?

You're gonna lie.
Don't be specific.

1.42 yesterday afternoon.
His wife didn't want him to.

She's beautiful.
One green eye, one blue.

They're both from Luxembourg.
I believe they're Luxembourgian.

Where in Luxembourg?
I spent two weeks there.

What are the odds?
Stay vague.

Outside Mertert
near the German border.

They say what they miss most are lazy
summer afternoons on the Moselle River.

You are channelling
that seventh grade book report.

OK, then.

Bullet dodged.
He totally bought it.

Where's he taking me?

Mr Daniels, we have rethought things and
decided you should have that procedure.

OK.

That took quite a bit of cajoling,
but I think I was able to convince him.

That's OK. Cos I wasn't
the only one lying around here.

Hey, baby, I'm gonna head home
and watch some television with Rowdy.

Rowdy? No!
You shouldn't go home.

- Why?
- I need you to go somewhere for me.

I want you to go to a strip club.

OK.

Turk, can I talk to you for a second?

Can't talk now.
Good stuff's happenin'.

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Don't care.

Where? Where am I gonna find
a dead, stuffed yellow lab?

- I can help.
- No, you have work to do.

Let's go.

- No!
- OK.

I just needed to know
where the line was.

Well, hello.

Wrong place, wrong time, little buddy.

Fellas, I'd like you all to meet Kyle.

Welcome him.
Treat him as a brother.

You'll enjoy it here.
Any complaints, go to Dwayne.

What do we got on the table?
Greg, may I run the meeting?

Is that cool? OK.

Well, I guess I was
a little more persuasive than I thought.

You got the heart valve!

Oh, that's amazing.
We have to celebrate.

- How do you celebrate without heroin?
- With cake, mostly.

Let's score some cake.

Mr Phillips, part of the deal is you'll
come back the next six weeks for rehab.

Absolutely. Not a problem.
I'm real good at rehab.

But after that, I'm gonna
move my family to Florida.

- Start fresh.
- Yeah.

Did somebody page me? I'm sorry
I took so long. I was just eating lunch.

Of course.
It's 8.30 in the morning.

I wanted to let you know that
the committee voted in my favour.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- I was congratulating Dean.
- Why?

- He got a new heart valve.
- She voted against you.

Can I talk to you outside?

Did you just page me
so you could rub my face in this?

Yes. There's also a couple
of messages on your home machine.

I hope I'm wrong, and I hope he stays
clean. Let's not make this personal.

Said the loser who lost.

Don't push me. One of the reasons
I became a therapist

is I've been able to zero in
on a person's greatest insecurity.

I'm real scared, Molly.
Whatcha gonna do?

Eyebrows.

Eyebrows? Like
that's gonna make you...

Elliot, come on.
You can't be that insecure.

Giant Adam's apple.

I have to go.

Elliot's comment didn't bother me cos
I'm proud of the body God gave me.

Besides, I had bigger problems.
I had to do Mr Daniels'procedure.

Luckily, I'm a professional,
and professionals finish the job.

This needle is too sticky.
I'm out. Get it together, Laverne.

Hey, Peggy. Yes, I noticed
the turtleneck choice in August

and can only assume
it's something to do

with that grapefruit
you store in your trachea.

Let me put your mind at ease.
You've killed before.

Who?

Do you remember Mrs Carter?

OK, bye-bye.

- She died?
- Three days ago of endocarditis.

You didn't get blood cultures
and you missed it. You happy?

The weird thing was
that I was a little happy.

- Sticky needle, please.
- Here you go, Doctor.

By the way, when this is over,
I'm kickin' your arse.

Where's your husband?

He isn't here.

Ruff ruff.

You found Rowdy?

No, not Rowdy.
This is Steven.

Rowdy was 48 inches from snout to tail.
Steven's only 46 on a good day.

I think we're OK.

I got him off another taxidermy guy
on the Internet.

Had to trade him my squirrel army.

Oh, I'm sorry you had
to do that. But thank you.

Nah, everyone thinks
squirrel armies are so great.

I'm not sure
it's the healthiest habit in the world.

Thank you.

He likes the park.

Let it go. OK.

It smells like Rowdy.

He's Steven.

Killing Mrs Carter,
though admittedly bad for her,

was just the pick-me-up I needed.

I don't know how my car
ended up in the community pool.

You must have lost control
after you went through the snack bar.

Mrs Carter?

Did I trick Newbie?
I did, didn't I?

And now, of course, he has
to live in fear of when he will kill.

When, when, when, when?

- I don't appreciate lying.
- I know you're scared,

and a lot of times you feel
like a little girl in a big gal's body.

But here's the dirty little secret:
Fear is good.

It keeps you
from becoming a crappy doctor.

The trick is,
you can't let it paralyse you.

Don't worry about a thing, Newbie.
You're a sure thing to get a kill.

In fact, should be any day now.

One of the hardest things is sometimes
you don't get to know how things end.

- What are you doin'?
- Just waitin' for Mr Phillips.

He showed up
for the first couple days.

But he's missed his last
three rehab appointments.

I'll wait with you.

Thanks.

I got my eyebrows waxed.

They look really good.

Whether it's wondering
if your husband will realise

you replaced his dead dog
with a shorter replica...

... or wondering when and if
you're gonna kill that first person.

Everybody, watch closely.

Because if you're not careful,
you can cause a pneumothorax.

Ultimately,
it'll drive you crazy

if you don't have a friend
to help you through it.

He might've gone to Florida.
Maybe he's going to a hospital there.

- Do you think?
- I don't know. Maybe.

OK, there is no way
I'm following that guy.

I don't even have my cape.