Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 3 - My New Game - full transcript

Today I walk in here not as a resident,
but as chief. Chief resident.

Chief Resident Dorian.
Chiefy-chiefy-chief.

What's that, your new cool guy walk?

No. I have rocks in my shoe.

Wow! That's a lot of rocks!

I gotta stop taking that shortcut
through the quarry.

Anyway, the best thing about my new job
is that I command a lot more respect.

Chief resident in the house.

- Everybody say, "Hey!"
- Hey!

Though Councilman Donovan
was handcuffed

because he was flying high on
crystal meth, his respect felt good.



It's the reason
I keep voting for him.

Have a good day.
Try not to torture anyone so much

- that they take their own lives.
- I'll try.

You're not looking as processed
and overly-medicated as usual.

- That is so sweet.
- Come here.

It was the same old
Dr Cox and Jordan.

The weird thing was, there was something
underneath it. They were happy.

We have some very exciting news.

Don't tell me.
You and Sweaty Teddy here

are gonna finally have
that commitment ceremony?

Even if I went that way,

and there were nights in the service
when it didn't sound far-fetched,

- Ted is hardly my type.
- I beg to differ. I've seen Enid.

- What?
- Nothing.



Dr Cox, remember a few years back,

you asked me to look
over your divorce papers

to make sure "that slag
would die a penniless whore"?

Sorry.

It's OK. "Slag" is kind of
his pet name for me.

Anyway, I was also going
through a divorce.

She's with my brother now.

He's nine inches shorter than me,
but he wears a piece.

The point is, you and I
signed the wrong papers,

which technically means you two
are still married and so am I.

Well, mazeltovs all around.

I'd never seen Dr Cox
and Jordan speechless before.

It was neato.

Just so you know, I think
this chief resident thing

has made you a little
too big for your britches.

So from now on, I'm gonna be
your britches-shrinker.

Is that supposed to intimidate me?

No. I had to do it anyway.

What reason could you have
for breaking your broom in half?

Thanks, bro.

Any other questions, smart guy?

Whassup, ladies?

What's up with these rocks?

- You've been gravelled!
- Gravelled?

It's a new game I made up this morning
when I had rocks in my shoes.

- I like it.
- Better than Play-Doh Pants?

Play-Doh Pants became
all about the money.

Wise.
It felt good cheering Turk up.

Now I'm Chief Studly, I was making
a lot more money than him.

Needless to say, it was
a time to be extra sensitive.

Remember I make more money than you?
Here's five bucks for remembering.

I was thinking about
spending some extra ducats

on one of those classy suits
we wanted.

The leather purple jumpsuit
Eddie Murphy wore in Raw?

- You know it.
- That's cold.

I gotta go. I got a new attending
and he hates it when we're late.

- Plus, he's a question talker.
- What's a question talker?

Do I want you to be on time,
Dr Turk? Yes, I do.

Am I going to remember this?
Of course I am.

Miss Myers is ready to have
her bandages removed now.

You mean "dashboard face"?

Yeah, I think she prefers Miss Myers.

She shouldn't be checking
her e-mail while driving 90 mph.

- Sorry I'm late.
- We weren't waiting for you.

Great, I'm on time.

As a psychiatrist I should be there
when Miss Myers' bandages get removed,

Her accident was traumatic enough,

but with reconstructive
facial surgery on top of that?

In my professional opinion, "Yikes!"

If you are coming in, I just might
go ahead and phone up my pool man

and my architect so we can populate
the room with useless people.

Great! My mom's in town.
Should I call her?

That was good.

OK, I'm gonna get these bandages off
and make sure the plastic surgeons

have left your face
as beautiful as it always was.

You're so nice. Are you married?

He is as of this morning.

I thought he was divorced.

No, the papers didn't go through.

You know what? I've got a son,

I don't fantasise about
Jordan dying as much anymore,

and even though it wasn't planned,
I'm actually happy

about the way this marriage thing
has worked out,

so please stop your chirping
and step away from my personal life.

- So, what's his wife like?
- So scary.

You go ahead and have a look there.

Wow.

You look fantastic. You do. Doctor?

Really fantastic.

Thank God you were here.

Since Elliot and I
are both chief residents,

I'm trying not to make it all about me.

John Dorian, chief resident.

You know, unless
it's someone I could doink.

You need to move your car.
It's my day to have the parking spot.

You have a scooter.
Why do you need a parking spot?

It sends a message.

Just because I lured her away
from her boyfriend and dumped her

doesn't mean
my scooter Sasha needs to suffer.

What are you doing?

Just making it official.

Chief. Co-chief.

Try as hard as you want,
that is never gonna stick.

That's Co-chief Resident Dorian
over there.

Damn it! You are quick.

Damn it, I got an appendectomy again?

Sweet! I get the duwa... do-oh...

Duodenal jejunostomy.
What's wrong with you?

So I can't pronounce it.
Try and be a little more sensitive, OK?

New bra, Janice?
Cos it's working.

The only reason I'm getting
all these great procedures

is because nobody's died on me
in three months.

Man, you never have to apologise
for being on a hot streak.

I'm psyched for you, and I wouldn't
take those procedures away if I could.

Sir, would you mind giving me

the duodenal jejunostomy
instead of the Todd?

Am I impressed by your moxie?
You betcha.

Am I going to reward it?
Not a chance.

This Todd thing is killing me.
Where's your lunch?

Thank you, Barry.
Hey! That's for Barry, Jr.

What? The little guy's in leg braces.

Hi.

I visited my safety deposit box today.
Guess what I found?

- My grandfather's Purple Heart?
- Please.

I sold that years ago to pay for these.

Our wedding rings.

- Holy cow.
- What do you think?

Are you kidding me? I'm gonna
wear this the rest of my life.

Of course, marriage can make
the rest of your life seem longer.

So you're just going to fall asleep
right after for the rest of my life?

So I'm supposed to pay
for your Botox the rest of my life?

I'm not sure I want
to watch you drink a beer

while I'm holding the baby
for the rest of my life.

Look, Attila, there's no way
I'm gonna listen

to you complain about the rest of your
life for the rest of my life, got that?

Yeah, not listening.
Now that we're married again,

we've got to make out new wills
in case one of us dies.

Oh, God, I hope it's me.

Yep, there was definitely
trouble in paradise.

Would Co-chief Dorian
please report to the ICU?

Co-chief Dorian. The co-chief.

Well, Mrs Covello, your CAT scan
showed a small rectal tumour,

so I want to schedule
a low anterior resection.

Don't worry. We have
an amazing surgical team here, OK?

That means a lot,
coming from the co-chief resident.

How did she hear?
She's been in a coma for two weeks!

- Damn it.
- Buddy.

- Can I talk to you?
- Sure.

Todd's doing her resection,
but if you send her down now,

- he's busy so it'd have to be me.
- What's he doing?

You know the surveyors
outside taking pictures

of the hospital
for the zoning commission?

I told him they were shooting
a Sacred Heart calendar.

Gentlemen, say hello to June!

How about a sneak peek at July?

I don't know. It's a little early
to start pulling strings.

I just got this co-chief job.

Damn it, now I'm saying it.

Come on, man,
get me back in the game.

- OK.
- OK! OK!

Here's ten bucks for letting me
help you out. Spend it wisely.

I think she's a little upset
she doesn't look the way she used to.

Why? How did she used to look?

Oh, dear ugly.

What do you know?
It's the paging of the shrew.

Why don't you talk to her?

- Why don't you?
- Mind my own business.

Your life is your life, it's not my job
to fix it, unless you ask me.

When I get in there,
because I'm a good shrink,

and you, my friend,
are a walking disaster. Shall we?

So now, Miss Myers,
how are you feeling?

I was wondering if it were possible
to have surgery again.

Hi, sweetie. I'm in a tunnel.

Your body's been through
an enormous amount of trauma.

I can't recommend
you go racing back into surgery.

If you just give it time,
you'll be happy with the way you look.

Oh, my God.

What?

I just don't look like myself.

I know I had a big nose
and droopy eyes,

but they were my nose
and my droopy eyes, you know?

Tell me more about yourself.

Around here, there's always one person
that'll come through for you.

In Turk's case, that was me.

Hey, Elliot! I want to talk to you
about this chief resident thing.

- What about it?
- Well, as you may have heard

from the loud speaker,
some residents, the janitor,

my mother, your mother
and a coma patient,

I'm being referred to
as the co-chief resident.

I think we should either
both go with co-chief

or chief, don't you co-agree?

Excuse me,
we're working up this patient

for a hyper-coagulable state with
a prolonged PTT. What's our next step?

That's easy.
What you want to do...

I'd like my answer
from the chief resident.

We're both chief residents.
Isn't that right, Dr Reid?

With a prolonged PTT, you'd want
to do a one-to-one mixing study.

That's why she's the chief,
you're the co-chief.

- Shut up, Lonnie!
- You shut up!

Obviously, for your ex-wife,
just the illusion of hair is important.

Excuse me.

So you're saying it had nothing
to do with my impotence?

I was wondering if we could talk
about Miss Myers in my office.

I make it a point
to never enter a shrink's office

unless I'm planning
on over-paying somebody

for telling me something
I already know.

You're distracted by your marriage.

I know. What do I owe?
Will 10 bucks cover it?

- Yeah!
- Are you gonna hang onto that?

I forgot my lunch money.
It's kielbasa day in the cafeteria.

Love it. Miss Myers values your opinion.

I don't think you're trying
to understand how she feels.

Look, if I ever want your advice
on one of my patients,

I'll ask, but do not hold your breath,
unless, of course, you can hold it

for a really long, long, long,
long, long, long, long, long time.

I can't. I used to smoke.

Kielbasa. Yes!

Let me buy you lunch.

I'm rich. I'll buy you lunch
and some gold teeth to eat it with.

You got one more black joke
this month before I bust your ass.

Damn it! I used them all up
watching Barbershop 9.

That's it, and I'll get you later.

- How'd surgery go?
- I was on top of my game.

It can be scary to stick
your neck out for a friend.

- It's huge when they come through.
- How's she doing?

Unfortunately, she didn't make it.

What?

- What do you mean she died?
- JD, I did everything I could.

My attending thought I did great. He
said, "Do I think you did great? I do."

I couldn't help wonder
if by taking that patient from Todd

and giving her to Turk,
I had toyed with fate.

I know that look. You're wondering
if you toyed with fate.

How could you know that?
It's a brand-new look!

What do you think Todd
would have done that I didn't?

- Doctor, her heart stopped.
- No!

Here!

I'm gay!

I knew it.

Oh, my God! That's your "the Todd would
have pulled his own heart out" look!

OK, we have been spending
way too much time together.

Guess what there, wifey.

You can't be a pain in the ass
if I don't have a phone.

Hi, sweetie.

Save it. I was calling to tell you

I'm taking Jack and staying
at my mother's a few months.

Who's gonna look after him when you
and your mother go marauding for flesh?

Thank you for making this
so much easier.

Jordan... Jordan.
Come on, Jordan!

Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna
go check on Miss Myers.

Molly sent her down to surgery.

Oh, wrong day, new chick!

In a hospital, it's hard
not to let your personal life

affect your professional life.

Forget about JD.

You're just as good as the Todd.
You got this.

All right, people,
I believe we're done here.

Did you just sew your gown
into the patient? Yeah, you did.

Hey! Hey, somebody! Hey!

Randall was in the air conditioning vent
and it collapsed on him. Buddy!

Co-chief! Co-chief!

Hey, you fixed him!
Come on, buddy.

That's it!

Dr Kelso, could you help me out?

People have been referring
to me as the co-chief resident.

You should take it up
with the chief resident.

But I'm the chief resident!

Dr Reid's check is made out
to the chief resident,

and mine's made out
to the co-chief resident,

but we both
make the same amount.

Right. Dr Reid, you should make
$10 more a month,

and Dr Dorian,
you should be making $10 less.

It's not much, but it symbolises
the difference in your levels.

- Coolio!
- Coolio indeed.

I could spend all day
worrying about what happened,

but I have
more important things to do.

Hey, man, look what I confiscated
from one of the kids in paediatrics.

- What, too hot?
- Yeah!

- Sorry.
- Not in the mood!

OK, we both
might have had bad days,

but I got just the thing
that's gonna cheer us up.

- Dream come true, right?
- Do you really think I want this suit?

Well, I do... but not from you!

Now I get it. You're just mad
cos I make more money than you.

No, I'm mad because
of that surgery today.

You doubted me.

You are such a wuss!

Turk, come on!

These things chafe.

Now I know why Eddie called it Raw.

Carla, do you have any powder?

You went behind my back.

I gave you every opportunity
to do the right thing.

I'll tell you what, Miss Manners,
why don't you gulp down

that bear-sized bite
and then we'll talk.

Yummy.

That is great kielbasa, but you can't
really screw up kielbasa, can you?

So, where were we?

Honest to God, I can't remember.

Right, Miss Myers. The plastic surgeon
said it was safe to operate,

and Miss Myers really
liked her old face.

You don't have to be a psychiatrist

to see that if you used to be happy
and now you're not,

you should go back to the way
it was when you were happy.

Isn't that what you would do?

Yeah.

Jordan.

Will you?

Will you divorce me?

- I thought you'd never ask.
- Thank God.

Listen, I probably should have put
a stop to all this co-chief stuff.

What? I haven't even been
thinking about it.

Look, JD, ever since you dumped me,

everyone has been treating me
like some kind of victim.

It's like, "Look at poor Elliot
going home alone."

Or "Look at poor Elliot,
riding a tandem bike by herself."

That's not something I normally do.
I wanted ice cream,

my car was out of gas and that's
the bike the Gundersons loaned me.

- They do everything together.
- OK.

The point is, it was nice being
the one chief resident for a while.

She's got fingers like biceps.

And so, by the power vested in me

by the American Bar Association,

I pronounce you
ex-husband and ex-wife.

You may now do
whatever the hell you want!

- I've never been this happy.
- Me, neither.

You have no chance of being normal.

Thirsty, huh?

Helps the tears taste less bitter.

Cheers.

How are you guys
gonna celebrate your divorce?

By not inviting you.

Oh, my God, dude, I doubted you
for a second, why are you so mad?

Maybe I needed you to believe in me.

I believe in you, baby.

Yeah, but we're married,
that doesn't count.

- What the?
- Did you?

- Yeah. She's been gravelled.
- Nice work.

Look, man, it was
one second of doubt, OK?

Since when do you care
what anybody else thinks?

I don't. I care what you think.

Since the day I met you,
you've treated me like I was the man,

like I could accomplish everything.

- This is gonna sound lame...
- I got it!

You being like that is one of the
reasons I've gotten to where I am.

Wow. That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

In the end,
every relationship needs maintenance.

Hey, Ted, get out the sun, man.

You owe me money!

Whether it's
the smallest gesture...

Hey, doctor! Doc!

You want to take a look
at the guy in 302 and tell me

whether you think
he's sick or just bonkers.

Are you actually
asking my opinion?

I'm gonna ignore it,
but yeah, knock yourself out.

... orjust picking up
back where you left off.

I'm a little nervous
about surgery tomorrow.

You'll kick ass, man.

So, are you guys
gonna go out tonight?

No, we're gonna stay in.

Well, I'll be in the bedroom
with all the straight people.

- Are your giblets warm?
- Like a Christmas ham.

Same.

The bottom line is
that if you care about someone,

it's pretty easy to make the sacrifice.

Wow. Thanks, JD.

And she's just been gravelled.