Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 7 - My Common Enemy - full transcript

"Brain freeze" is too hard.
I should have gone for "funny bone".

Step aside!

One thing I've learned is to never play
Operation against a surgeon for money.

Eight seconds.
Is that a new record, baby?

That depends.
What are we talking about?

- Let's play again.
- No.

Every time I hit the buzzer,
I'll act like I'm getting electrocuted.

That's awesome, but no.
My blood sugar's a little low.

You want a cookie?

Turk has Type 2 diabetes and hasn't
figured out his medication yet.

Mulattos.



They're Milanos, you idiot.

I always thought that was
a little bigoted for a cookie.

Cookie racism aside,
I had bigger problems.

It'd been three weeks since Dad died,
and my brother's still staying with me.

Nothing like time off
to remind you how hard you work.

You bartend three shifts.

Two. They docked me
for doinking the Jell-O shot girl.

Sorry I'm late.

Since I dumped Elliot and broke her
heart, she couldn't be there for me.

But she was there for my brother.

- You doing OK?
- I am now.

Without Elliot, I never would
have gotten through my dad's death.

- Our dad.
- Right. Air hockey?

Yes.



Oh, hello.
Women are checking me out lately.

The ten pushups I've been cranking out
every other Sunday? Perhaps.

More likely it was the pledge I made
not to date anyone until Elliot did.

See, since then,
the gals have been all over me.

Can I buy you a drink?

I'm sorry, sugar. The store's closed.

They've been all over me.

Very impressive, but I'm sorry.

You have some gum on your shoe.

Dr Clock, do you have a minute?

I was talking to Dr Bromberg
about switching shifts

so I can go to Mexico for my
mom's wedding. I am psyched.

She is marrying this guy
that has been a father to me

since I was this big. Maybe this big.
How tall was I in fourth grade?

It's a mystery.

Now, our old hospital psychiatrist

used to write my wife Enid
a prescription for crazy pills.

He was a dear, dear friend,
but he died or moved or something,

and now I need you to do the honours.

Have her come in.
I'll prescribe anti-depressants.

- That's a problem.
- Why?

She doesn't know she's taking them.

The key to sleeping in the on-call room
is to block the noises around you,

like snoring, teeth grinding or even...

... on-call-room nookie.

Hello, my old friend.
How I've missed you.

- That feels good.
- Yes, it does.

Timeout. Male moaning.
Party's over.

Hey!

Hey, little brother.

You know, on The Sopranos,

if a guy caught his brother with his
ex-girlfriend, he'd rub his ass out.

Believe you me,
the second I get Dan alone,

there's gonna be
some serious ass rubbing.

- I shouldn't smack talk.
- Hey, mind if I join you guys?

The question you should ask is,
"Mind if I diddle your ex?"

And a great big congratulations
on your ongoing streak

of being the world's worst
older brother.

Thanks, Coxy.

It was my turn to let Dan have it,
but I wasn't mad.

- Dan...
- J.D., let me explain.

I came to see you. I ran into Elliot,
and it happened. A one-time thing.

I'm OK with it.

Great. It's been going on
for a few weeks.

Elliot's amazing. Smart, funny, hot.
I was in a dark place, and she saved me.

I haven't felt this good
since my dad died.

- Our dad.
- Right.

When Carla and I came home yesterday,
we heard something.

- You hook up in J.D.'s room?
- A gentleman wouldn't tell.

- Did you?
- Twice.

- We didn't go under the sheets.
- How thoughtful.

I'm so sorry
you lost your grandmother.

Our prayers go out
to you and your family.

- Thank you, doctor. That's very kind.
- That'll be $1,700.

Sir! Sir?

It is not your job
to collect money from patients.

But I just fired the woman
who usually does it.

You fired Glenda? Why?

Oh, how precious.

- Mind if I hold him?
- Go right ahead.

I finally got a baby!

She was stealing from the hospital.

Oh, Dr Clock.

Look, I'm afraid I wasn't
being honest with you before.

In my job, it seems like
I'm always the bad guy.

Hard as this is to admit,
it gets to me sometimes.

The point is, the anti-depressants
I asked you to prescribe

weren't for my wife.
They were for me.

Oh, I understand.
So, what dosage are you on?

Where are my Fig Newtons, Bob?

I'm getting them, dear.

- About half a Newton.
- No dice.

- Hey.
- Boy, oh, boy,

it looks like you pissed off
the wrong guy there, crunchy.

And trust me, he'll make you pay.

Dr Kelso's all bluster.
Underneath I bet he's a sweetheart.

No, no, underneath it all,
he is pure evil.

Perry, no one's pure evil. Some people
have a hard outer shell,

but inside, everybody
has a creamy centre.

There are plenty of people here
on this particular planet

who are hard on the outside
and hard on the inside.

So they'd have more
of a nougat-y centre?

Lady, people aren't chocolates.

Do you know what they are mostly?

Bastards. Bastard-coated
bastards with bastard filling.

But I don't find them half as annoying
as I find naive bubble-headed optimists

who walk around vomiting sunshine.

I'm touching your creamy centre.

Oh, I am so very angry

that I'm going to find someone
to kill just to prove her wrong.

Why are you acting like that Dan
and Elliot thing doesn't bother you?

- It doesn't.
- You're missing a great opportunity.

If you act like it bothers you,
Elliot will feel guilty,

and she'll forgive you for dumping her.

You gotta use this like
I use my diabetes. Watch.

Honey, my blood sugar's dipping.

Don't move.

Thanks, sweetness.

Oh, my God.
This could be my diabetes.

Exactly, but you gotta use it
before that window closes.

Lucky for me, my diabetes window
stays open 24l7.

Unless, God forbid, they find a cure.

Amen, brother.

Bye, folks.

You'll notice I knocked
$100 off the bill

because of the, you know,
baby stealing thing.

Turk was right. Lying to Elliot
was the perfect way

to get our friendship back to normal.

Thanks for the loaner scooter.

I want to talk to you.
Can you turn that thing off?

Sorry.

Sorry!

Sorry.

When I caught you two yesterday,

I didn't know what to say,
but now I do.

You really hurt me.

Okey-dokey.

Guys! There are sick people
trying to sleep!

J.D., are you really this upset?

What if I hooked up with your sibling?

A little confused considering
I have four brothers.

But not surprised.
At you or Barry.

Barry?

I just didn't think
I was doing anything wrong.

Obviously you did, or you
would have told me about it.

That one had to sting.

I really want to look back
and see if it landed,

but go back to sad face first.

Oh, it landed.

Dr Clock, may I have a word?

Uh-oh. It's payback time.

I got you a present
for your trip to Mexico.

It's my old
Spanish-to-English dictionary.

I don't need it anymore.
I've mastered the language.

You're welcome-o.

You were right. Payback's a bitch.

Well, just get back to me
when you have an answer.

Baby, check this out.

Dr Kelso just offered me Glenda's
old job as administrative supervisor.

Oh, that's great, sweetie.

The job pays an extra $ 7,000 a year.

My baby's an administrative supervisor!

Let's celebrate! Whatever you want.

Oh! Let's go shopping
for a new duvet cover.

I'd love to, but my diabetes
is acting up.

Bob, we have a problem.

Not now, Perry. I'm swamped.

I'm trying to find an exterminator
to kill the bat in my attic.

Be a man, Bob. That's what
tennis rackets are for.

Good Lord! He got Baxter!

Try telling that
to my one-eared dog.

Bob, do you realise what you did
by giving blondie that book?

I kept her from reporting me
for trying to con her out of meds.

Thanks to your little gesture,

she actually believes
that the Earth is full of people

who deep down are filled
with kindness and caring.

People are bastard-coated
bastards with bastard filling.

Exactly.

Sweet Moses. Everything has gone
straight down the crapper

since Enid got off anti-depressants.

I didn't know Enid
suffered from depression.

She doesn't. Those pills
kill her sex drive.

Dude, your idea totally worked.

Incoming.

My own brother! Why?!

Oh, God! It hurts so bad!

You can stop now. She's gone.

No, I think I broke my hand.

There's nothing more satisfying
than having a good plan.

- Good night, amigos.
- 'Night.

Sometimes a plan can
crystallise in a moment.

- What are we gonna do?
- Let's destroy her.

And sometimes a plan
can fall apart just as quickly.

So when do you start your new job?

- I turned it down.
- What?

I know it's a dream job,
but with your diabetes,

I think you need me more.

Of course, in my plan,
nobody gets hurt.

Hey, little brother.

What are you doing
back in the tub?!

Elliot dumped me.

Except my brother.

Don't you think you're overreacting?

Elliot was the best thing that ever
happened to me, and now she's gone.

That's not even the right gibberish.

Elliot and I were supposed to
have our romantic evening.

Look at all this stuff I bought.
Candles, champagne, a Dido CD.

I guess I'll just throw these things out
with the rest of the garbage.

Oh, come on. Don't go.
We can watch Kangaroo Jack

and chug a Fosters
every time they say "g'day."

- G'day, J.D.
- Dan!

I said, g'day!

Baby, you have to take this job.

Let it go. It's done.

- You OK?
- No.

Sometimes I wish I'd never
gotten this stupid diabetes.

Hey! Let's not get crazy.

Dear God. She has
an actual skip in her step.

It doesn't bother me
as much as the whistling.

Watch what happens.

Why are you whistling, Ted?
Your life is pathetic.

Right.

- What's our plan of attack?
- When I crush a person's spirit,

I use a combination of
intimidation and degradation.

I prefer an environment where subjects
end up crushing themselves.

I like to pick one person and torment
them relentlessly for no reason.

If I could find him, I'd show you.

He's near.

Well, I'm not sure Moonbeam
is going to break so easily.

I wish we knew something personal
that would really get to her.

You can't go to
your mom's wedding.

Too much shift switching
going on here,

and I don't like shift switching.
It's too hard to say.

That wasn't very soft and creamy.

It's OK. He has a hospital to run.
I understand.

Good God. She can't be stopped.

Let me get this straight.

You want me to offer your wife
the same job she's turned down?

Is that the size of it, Turkelton?

Actually, my last name isn't Turkelton.
It's just Turk, as in Chris Turk.

I prefer Turkelton.

I promise you, if you offer her
the job again, she'll say yes.

I'll do anything: Pick up extra shifts,
volunteer at the clinic.

Whatever you want.

I want you to kill the giant bat
that's been living in my attic.

- You keep Enid in the attic?
- You make me laugh, Turkelton.

8.00 sharp. I'd wear goggles.

Yes!

I decided the only way Elliot
would take Dan back

was if she knew the truth:

That their being together
didn't really bother me.

Elliot, we need to talk.

Nice jammies!

Thanks. They're new.

This will only take a second. Look,

you know how I told you
I was upset about you and Dan?

Is that champagne?

Yeah. Yeah, I was
celebrating my new jammies.

I love champagne.
You mind if I have a little...

Thank you. A nipper.

Tingly.

It's a tingly drink.

Pretty candles.

I know you broke up with Dan
because you thought I was upset,

but in reality, I... I...

I love this song. Who is it?

Dido, and you've really got
to meet my brother, Barry.

Dido?

Look at all this stuff I bought.
Candles...

... champagne... a Dido CD.

Dan!

Hey, little brother.

Tingles.

- Carla, we have to talk.
- Is it your blood sugar again?

I'll get you something.

Baby, I feel fine.

It's just that I've kinda been
using my diabetes

to get you to, you know,

hook me up with
sandwiches and whatnot.

I can't believe you!

Oh, man! I brought that from home!

Look, baby, before you get
freaked out, I fixed it already. Look.

Nurse Turkelton, I wanted
to offer you that job once more.

I don't want it.

Great. See you Saturday, Batman.

Baby, what the hell?!

Maybe I decided I didn't want that job
because I'd miss working with patients,

but didn't tell you because you were
excited about the extra money,

so I used your diabetes as an excuse.
I don't know. I don't really remember.

It tastes funny.

You see, Bob? It didn't even faze her.

Patience, Perry. With a tough one
like her, you have to wait for it.

Here it comes.

And we've broken her.

There sits a dejected woman,
all alone.

Wounded.

Vulnerable.

Crying.

She's ruining it for me.

Lady, stop crying!

Dr Clock, you don't have
to miss your wedding.

I was lying about shift switching.

I like doing it, like saying it.
Shift switching.

I lied because we were trying
to destroy your morale.

- Why would you do that?
- You're overly cheery, we were bored.

You thought it'd be nice
to come clean?

Pretty much, yeah.

See, I told you there
was good in everyone.

If you'll excuse me, boys,
I've got a plane to catch.

Don't pretend like you knew
what we were doing all along.

Adi?s, boys.

Was she always wearing that big hat?

I can't believe you never broke up.

Dan was in my tub drinking beers
and singing She's Gone.

How do you take a bath?

OK. I'm gonna get dressed. Do you mind
if I borrow one of your socks?

I lost my righty in the fray.
Oh, there you are, high-flier.

J.D., Dan and I both know
this is just a fling.

Still, I feel like the worst person
in the whole world.

Please, can you forgive me?

Elliot, I came to tell you
I was never actually mad at you.

How could you not be mad I was
hooking up with your brother?

I don't know. I just wasn't.

How could you hook up
with my brother

- without considering my feelings?
- I don't know. I just didn't.

That's when I realised Elliot and I

had no romantic feeling
for each other anymore...

... no matter what the situation.

It was a little sad, but who knows?

Maybe it meant
we could be friends again.

Hey! I can't find my Dido CD!

If my heart could write songs,
they'd sound like these.

I think relationships
are inherently fragile.

They can be strengthened
by a shared excuse.

Turk, we just got invited to Linda's
Jack and Jill bridal shower.

Do you mind if I use your diabetes
to get out of it?

Of course not, baby.

And now...

...it's bat-killing time.

Oh, good Lord!

Others can be torn apart
by the loss of a common enemy.

I hate you, Bob.

Same times a thousand, big guy.

- Well, good night, little bro'.
- Oh, 'night, Dan. Sleep tight.

There's a bus schedule
underneath your pillow.

And for Elliot and I,

turns out all we needed
was a little time.

'Night, J.D.

What was that for?

The good news was
this Elliot and Dan thing

meant that I was back on the market.

Can I buy you a drink?

No, thanks.

Yep. I'm back, baby.

More nuts, please.