Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 25 - My Changing Ways - full transcript

So here I am, sitting on a box

in an empty apartment
with a dead dog,

and a single tear on my cheek.

I can't help but wonder
how I got to this place.

- Who are these guys?
- The last eight guys in the hospital

who don't realise I suck at basketball.
So here's what's gonna happen.

I finally mastered
my running hook shot, OK?

So when we go to pick teams,
I'm gonna hit that shot.

Then you say, "I'll take that guy."

At which point,
Carla is gonna page me,

and I'll say, "Crap, I gotta go."



You go, "Damn, we just lost
the best player out here."

There'll be eight guys who think I'm
good at sports and word will spread.

When do you find time
to see your patients?

- Between these thoughts.
- OK. Let's play some ball.

I got that guy.

Elliot's boyfriend, Jake,
had given her confidence to do things

she'd never been able to do before.

- OK, you ready to do this?
- You know it.

Like talking to people
while she's on the toilet.

OK. I know how comfortable
you are with Carla,

so I'm gonna have her do the talking.
You say when.

There's cheeks on the seat
and I'm feeling good.

- Let's hear it.
- Hello, Elliot.

How are you doing?



She went out the window.

Bob Kelso here before noon?

They're either giving away
free doughnuts at the caf?,

or there's an Asian prostitute
convention in the ICU.

Is now the time I'm supposed
to be embarrassed

because I like fine food
and Korean call girls?

Write this down:
I'm old and I honestly don't care

what people think about anything I do.

That was me, folks.

No, I'm here
because the budget's a mess.

Ted's not making much headway.

3-12 x 4-8-1 equals...

Sir, it's not giving me the answer.

It's a typewriter, you jackass!

Oh, God, it's got my tie!

Bob, this whole thing
is only gonna take a couple of days,

so why not let Jordan do it?

Yes, she is a member of the board,

but that only gets her out of the house
once every couple of months or so.

And I know she loves our son,
Jack, with all her heart,

but I think spending every waking moment
with the child,

I think...
I think it's starting to get to her.

I hate you.

So, what do you say there, Bobbo?

Welcome aboard. This will be
your office for the next few days.

- Ted, find someplace else to work.
- Oh, man! Not again!

If you need some happy pills,
they're in the top drawer.

- In this hellhole, I'll need a gun.
- Bottom left.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.

Why are we lying in the parking lot?

Your hook shot
knocked you unconscious,

so I laid down next to you so everyone
would think we were chillin'.

Oh, thanks, SCB. By the way,
I should tell you something:

I found an apartment.
I'm moving out the day after tomorrow.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- What does SCB mean?
- "Super Chocolate Bear".

- I love it.
- I knew you would.

Someone stole a whole case of laxatives
from the supply closet.

Don't look at me.
I'm as regular as rain.

- Who wants a piece of pie?
- Who made it?

Let's say my mom.

As a doctor, you get good
at piecing things together.

- Someone stole a case of laxatives.
- Who wants a piece of pie?

This one was obvious.

No, thank you.

Free pie? Hell, yeah.

I can't believe you two
have lived together for 12 years.

Do you remember our first day together?

Yo, they call me Chris One.
What's the dealio?

Welcome to our lair. I'm an eighth-level
ogre magi with invisibility,

and this is Randal.

You were such a dork.

- I'm glad nothing else is changing.
- This is the time of year

where everybody leaves, but Turk's
got another year of residency.

J.D. And I just took positions
as staff internists.

- Was that what you wanted?
- There was a fellowship

with this doctor over at County,
but it's a little over my head.

So you took a fallback job
cos you were afraid to go for it?

- Jake, is it?
- Yeah, it's...

I know your name. I'm being
condescending. It's Jake, right?

Look, no one here is settling.

At Sacred Heart, you get to work
with some of the finest doctors.

Out of my way!
I got a doozy of a two-sie!

All right, then.
Before we jump into rounds,

I see it's time for my
annual cologne intervention.

Lonnie, you're killing us.
And, honestly, what's the point?

No matter how badly you want
to get freaky with Karen,

that's just not going to happen.
Here's why:

She thinks you have
the body of a foetus.

- Did you tell me that in confidence?
- No, he knows.

She drew me a picture.

Don't sweat it too much. He wore
so much cologne on our first date,

- I had to sell my Miata.
- Why?

- For funsies.
- Heel.

- Thanks for that.
- Keep moving, foetus-face.

Come here, boy! Come on, Rowdy!

- No, you come here, eat your steak!
- What are you doing?

Whoever Rowdy goes to gets to keep him.

Rowdy, if you come to me,
I'll scratch your special region.

So you moved back all the furniture

and defrosted our dinner
with your sweaty hands for a joke?

Yeah, we did.

If he stays, I'll drive him
to the country and leave him.

He's mine.

I can't believe you talked me into this.

I don't interview well.
The reason I didn't get into Harvard.

The professor asked me what
I hoped to accomplish, my nose bled

and I splattered his shirt with blood.

How many people do you
have to talk to while peeing

before you start believing in yourself?

You're right.

So, why are you interested
in this fellowship?

I have passion
for the work you're doing.

I've heard you're amazing, and I
would be honoured to work with you.

- Have a great day, honey.
- You have even a better one, you.

You do it! Yeah, yeah.
You have even a better one.

Perry, I get the feeling
something is bothering you.

Bob, people have a private life,
and people have a professional life,

and, usually, those two hells
are kept pretty separate.

For instance, I don't know
that much about your home life,

other than that you
treat your wife like a dog,

your dog like a wife and your son
like an androgynous ne'er-do-well

who drains your retirement
to open up a shop in Minneapolis.

Harrison posted
his first profit this quarter.

Aces. And I'm guessing that's
because his significant other...

- Terrence.
...doesn't follow him around

the shop all day, telling him just
exactly what colour is in this season,

or showing all of the other employees
that he is not the boss of his own life.

You see, the woman is everywhere.

There when I work out in the morning,

when I work out in the car
on the way to work,

and when I work out
when I get to work.

I can't seem to get away from her,

and that used to be fine
when she came for five minutes

every month or so to feed on my dignity,
but now, I'd honestly kill myself, Bob,

if I wasn't convinced
Jordan wouldn't already be there

waiting for me in the afterlife.
You see, typical of her,

she went ahead and signed us up
for an eternal tandem bike ride

all along the banks of the River Styx.

I'm so glad you shared.

How would you like
to make this a full-time job?

I'll have to think about it.

How could you not see this coming?

- Hooch just got in the shower.
- Let the games begin.

Who the hell put bouillon cubes
in the showerhead?!

Did you do it? Did you?!

If it happens again,
I will wait in my SUV,

blast me some speed metal,
5.1 surround sound, heavy on the bass,

and someone will be getting mowed down.

Hooch is crazy.

I'm gonna miss this kind of stuff.

Why? We'll be able to pull pranks
on him after you move out.

We won't be staying up planning anything
as genius as the soup shower.

This is the end of an era, Super Choc.

You know how you're prone to sensitive,
girly displays of sentimentality?

Guilty.

If you reel it back a bit, I'll
get somebody to cover for me tonight,

- and I'll help you pack your stuff.
- Can we cut words out of magazines

that represent how we feel
and glue them into a collage?

- Hell, no.
- Can we drink beers and reminisce?

- Hell, yes.
- That's all I wanted to do anyway.

Plus, I already made the collage.

Now listen to me.

Make tonight count cos
you'll never be as cool as you were

when you were rollin' with the big dog
as your roommate, you know?

No, I didn't know.

Maybe Jake shouldn't
have pushed you into that interview.

Maybe I should've covered my mouth
when I sneezed blood.

Come on, Elliot.
He's always telling you what to do.

That's not true.

Hey, it's Jake. Buzz me up.

Oh, my God, you're right.

Don't let him be your puppet master.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What's up?
- I have a headache.

- Take some aspirin.
- Don't tell me what to do.

You're not the boss of me.

OK, what just happened?

So, do you think I should take the job?

Perry?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

I was just thinking
about this little boy in here.

He's only eight, and he's terminal.

I hope his parents spent
as much time with him as they could.

You're here one minute,
and then the next, you're...

What... what were you saying?

Nothing.

Stick your hand out.

Good man.

Get yourself some ice cream.
Go on, get out of here.

J.D., I got a mondo 82-inch pizza
with our names on it!

Dude! It's hu...

What the hell? We're supposed to hang,
and all of a sudden you moved out?

It's hard to hide your emotions
in front of people who know you well.

Answer it.

Or don't.

Hello.

Like excitement about a new job...

- I got the fellowship.
- Hey!

... or disappointment
about a lost opportunity.

- I'm sorry, Bob. I can't take the job.
- Maybe next year.

As for me, I just didn't want Turk
to know that he'd hurt my feelings.

I don't know.
I figured it wasn't that big a deal.

Hey, I'm pretty tired from the move,
so I'm probably just gonna crash.

I'm sort of famished.

- Morning.
- Yeah.

Turk didn't even
realize he pissed me off,

so explaining my feelings to him
was the smart move.

I took a slightly different tack.

- That seat's taken, arse-face.
- By who?

Hello, there, Chocolate Bear Two.

Hooch?
J.D., what the hell's going on here?

I replaced your arse.

By the by, Johnny told me
that you were responsible

for my brothy shower the other day.

If it happens again,

I'm gonna take one of your fingers.

That'll be my funny prank.

Hooch is crazy.

Oh, sorry. Old habit.

I wasn't the only unhappy person
in our hospital family.

Sure, Jake, I'll tell you why it
feels like I have a problem with you.

The fact that Elliot jumps so high
whenever you tell her to

may seem harmless, but as a result,
she's been stealing all my sports bras.

Seriously! The only one I have left
is the one I'm wearing,

and it works great. See?

- It works pretty nicely.
- It does, right?

But if I wanna jump up
and down again this week,

I'm stuck until laundry day.

I'm gonna have to guess
what your point is,

but I think it's that I control Elliot,
which I don't.

Here. Watch this.
Elliot, will you shove that guy?

Why do that? I was trying
to prove you don't do everything I say.

Well, clue me in, stud. That was
Creepy Carl. He runs an upskirt website.

I'm on it.

Oh, yeah, Ted. I moved the file cabinet.

I'm gonna miss this office.

Why? It smells like that odd combo
of flop sweat, hopelessness and feet.

Yeah, I know. It's just...

I guess this stupid job
made me feel valid again. You know?

You don't know.
It's OK. See you at home.

- Who's ready for a pie break?
- No.

- Come on. Why not?
- Why don't you ask Todd?

Due to what can only be
described as epic diarrhoea,

he's been on an IV drip for 36 hours.

Make it stop five.

Maybe I was being unfair to Turk.

Maybe it's too much to expect
a friend to sense you're upset

and want to talk about it.

Carla, I can sense you're upset.
Talk to me.

But Turk's a prideful guy,
and it's hard for prideful guys

to admit they've been insensitive.

Listen, Jordan,
I've been incredibly insensitive.

Touch?, magic hallway.

I should've had more faith
in my friend to come through.

Turk!

No, it's me, Hooch, Vanilla Bear.

Hooch is crazy.

So, Hooch, this is it.

Then things took a turn.

Wait, where's Rowdy?

"I'm at the hospital"?

There he is!

There he is!

OK, he's going up.
I'll take the stairs.

You don't let anyone out
of that elevator. Be strong, Hooch.

I'll try.

So where's Chocolate Bear Number Two?

Who else thinks
they're faster than me, huh?

Yo, Hooch is seriously crazy.

Carla, Jake makes me happy.

There's a chance he'll be
my second boyfriend not to end up

with my mom or brother.
He doesn't tell me what to do.

Sure, he did tell me
to come up here and talk to you,

but I was gonna cos I wanted to ask
if I should wear heels or flats

when we celebrate my new job tonight.

Instead I'm trying
to figure out your problem.

I thought you were staying, OK?

I've been here for 11 years,
and it's always the same story.

I get really close to someone,
and they move on.

I don't want to be 50 making friends
with the new 25-year-old interns.

They'll make fun of me
when we go dancing.

Not if I go with you.

And then they kiss?

Sorry.

Look at him. What an angel.

Down, he's waking up.

Hey, Jordan...

Lookit, I tried to guilt you
into not taking that job.

Really?

Look, I don't want to be one
of those moms that never sees her kids,

but I don't want to be one of those moms
that stays at home

but resents her kids cos she wishes she
was working so she could go to an office

and feel bad
about not being with her kids.

I was just worried
that you would think I was a bad mom.

Sweetie, you are an evil, soulless,
chemically-enhanced battle-ax

that I truly doubt
is 100 percent human, but...

...you are an amazing mom.

Say you're sorry,
give me a hug and this'll be over.

Why do I have to say I'm sorry?

I don't mean to sound girly,

but for the last 12 years,
you've practically been like my wife.

How is that girly?

Look, before, when you said I'd never be
as cool as when I was living with you,

you know there's some truth to that.

I'm sorta like odd and geeky and...

...you've always sort of validated me.

J.D., you're just moving out.

Well, say things will be the same.

That's Carla. I gotta go.

Things are gonna be different.

But different doesn't always mean bad.

Just means different.

- OK.
- All right.

No better pick-me-up
than a nice slice of Mom's pie.

Why are you so obsessed with this?

I don't know. I think it's cos this
time, I wasn't trying to mess with you.

Really?

Really.

Who would do this to themselves?

Totally worth it.

As every piece of food
I'd put into my body

was rushing out of me,
it got me thinking.

The way some things never change
shines a light on the things that do.

Like when a new person comes
into the hospital to stay...

My office keys, Ted.

Can't believe I'm actually doing this.

You'll meet me out later, right?

... or an old friend leaves for good.

Sometimes the biggest changes
are a result of an impulsive decision.

I think we should have a baby.

What?

I know you're feeling abandoned,

but we just went
through a really rough spot,

and I'm not the type to make decisions

without thinking about it
for at least, like, a few months.

Let's make a baby.

And so here I am, a guy in an
empty apartment with a dead dog.

Oh, and that's not a tear on my cheek.
That's just from the leak in my ceiling.

And, yes, change is scary,
but it's also inevitable.

It's up to you to make the best of it.

I mean, it's not like opportunity's
just gonna fall into your lap.

Then again...

Howdy, neighbour, I'm Jonathan.

Hi.

You eyeballin' my woman?

I hate change.