Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 1 - My Intern's Eyes - full transcript

[J.D.] Since my apartment's roof
collapsed, I was living at a hotel.

- [Squeaks down rail]
- [Yells]

But that's not the only thing
that's changed around here.

- I'm an attending, a licensed badass.
- [Horn honks]

Elliot actually works
at a different hospital.

She's trying to lay low at first.

- [Screams]
- [Thud]

And Turk and Carla
are trying to make a baby.

Here you go, baby.

I know you love foreplay,
but I have five minutes,

so I made you a sandwich.



That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.

- Over here, Turk.
- My bad, baby.

Yep! Life was different.

Hey! Did you take my Porsche
from the valet?

This didn't feel like my scooter.

[Squeaking]

Ow!

Look, no harm done.
Here are your driving glasses,

here's your driving scarf
and here are your driving gloves.

Fine, here's your driving sock.

I didn't care, because
now that I'm an attending,

I had picked out a whole new look.

- Good morning, colleague.
- Oh, absolutely not.

What, Tall, Dark and Scary?
I can wear whatever the hell I...



- What are you doing?
- This is my imaginary warning light.

When it starts blinking, a situation
has ten seconds to resolve itself

before I flash white
with rage and kill someone.

One, two, three, four...

...seven, eight, nine and ten.

I had trouble getting
my babyGap T-shirt off.

- It'll happen.
- Ow.

[Screams]

OK, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go with "ow."

How depressing is it being you?
Seriously.

Would you equate it more
to being a Cub fan,

or to, say, being born without lips?

- Born without lips.
- I know a guy.

- His house just burned down.
- How sad.

He was smoking in bed. He shouldn't
smoke, 'cause he looks ridiculous.

"I have a snake face."

Listen, today if you bother me,
could you do it without being around me?

I have new interns starting.
Can you imagine what it's like

to see this place
through their eyes the first time?

[# The Finn Brothers:
Anything Can Happen]

[Exhales]

- Something on your shirt, kid.
- Huh? Oh.

- Ha-ha! Classic!
- [Intern chuckles]

Hey...

Sparky, it's five dollars a minute
to stare in public.

It's free in private... [purrs]

- [Thud]
- [Groans]

You're gonna love it here, sport.

- Get out while you still can.
- [Intern] Hmm.

Seriously,
get out while you still can.

Junior, have you seen Johnny?

Alzheimer's patient,
likes to tackle people?

[Intern] Mmm, mmm-mm.

Has anybody seen Johnny,
the tackling Alzheimer's patient?

Hey! You must be Keith.

Don't look so nervous, buddy.
I got your back.

- Who am I?
- [J.D. Groans]

I found him.

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

Someone's close enough
for a hair-mussing.

- [Gurgling sound]
- [Keith laughs]

Dynamite bangs.
Hey, guys. Follow me.

Listen, if you're having trouble finding
a vein for an IV, please don't page me.

If you're desperate, we're lucky.

This is a city hospital,
there are heroin addicts

who are quite adept at this. Did you
find a vein, there, Reverend Mayhem?

- No problem.
- Good work, buddy. Stay in school.

- Mr. Kellerman, how're you feeling?
- Not great.

Well, that's probably
why you're here! Ha!

Humor is a great icebreaker
for patients, OK? Follow me.

Mr. Kellerman
has congestive heart failure.

Lisa, I want you
to start him on diuretics, OK?

We'll loosen up
some fluid around his lungs.

The good news is he'll go home tomorrow.

The bad news is if he's not here, he
won't move up the heart transplant list.

See, in medicine,
there are lots of Catch-22s,

a phrase made famous, I believe, by an
old fisherman who would stay out fishing

until he caught... how many fish?
Anybody? That's right, 22.

- See, in 1492, Columbus...
- [Cox] Newbie!

If you loved the sound
of your very own voice any more,

you would probably sit in a little
room all day and sing to yourself.

Oh, you guys can skedaddle.

Booga-booga-booga!
[Laughs]

I love interns.
Gentlemen, a reminder:

As attendings, you are expected
to turn in your paperwork

and your required urine sample
by tomorrow.

I'm not planning
on doing any paperwork.

I did go ahead and leave my urine
sample on your driver's-side car door.

Your lips, my ass,
they should meet.

Dorian, after four years, I hope you are
no longer following in his footsteps.

I turned in my paperwork already,
but I'm gonna wait till tomorrow

to turn in my urine sample out
of respect to the fellas in the lab...

There's an asparagus issue.

Now there's an answer that warrants
a half-sincere pat on the shoulder.

Thanks, Dr. Kelso!

He said "half-sincere,"
I think it was full-sincere.

Feel my shoulder, it's warm.

Lindsay, by you reaching
the level of attending physician,

you've somehow managed to become
a member of a club that I belong to.

Obviously there was no vote.
Because if there had been,

you would still hear the sound of my
voice screaming, "Nay, oh, dear God,

one thousand times nay!"

That being said, it's my obligation
to let you in on the organization's

one and only bylaw: We're men.

Yes, we are.

The women are men. The children
are men. The men, of course, men!

So I went ahead and took the liberty
of making you five man cards.

Hold them very dear, because every time
you drop the ball, man-wise,

I'm going to take one from you.

I don't need your approval
or your stupid man cards.

Although the lettering is darling.
Have you ever done calligraphy?

- Thank you.
- Damn it!

[J.D.] That night, since we were low
on cash, Turk snuck me into the movies.

One, please!

We talked about my living arrangements.

- Are you sure?
- You shouldn't stay in a hotel,

so stay here
until you find a place.

Carla was psyched to get rid of me.
Are you gonna tell?

I don't know. What do you think?

- Turk? Is that you?
- [Thud, backpack zips]

- Yes. I'll be right in, baby.
- OK.

[Gasps] Dude, you left
your gym shorts in here!

Look, I gotta sex her up.
I'll be back as quick as I can,

so it'd be about a hour and a half.

Wait! Could you just
quickly scratch my nose?

Ahh. Ooh.

OK. OK. Don't zip me... up!

[J.D. Groans] Turk! Turk!

- [Struggling]
- [Thud]

- I'm a little sick of the Turks.
- Excuse me?

Not you, Omar. I love your people.

I'm talking about
their lovey-dovey crap.

Babe, I borrowed your backpack
this morning and my change fell out.

Maybe someone or something had to gnaw
a hole in it to keep from suffocating.

Maybe someone already apologized
for that about a hundred times.

100 wasn't enough. I don't know.

- Absolutely no lovers' quarrels.
- Damn it!

Elliot, what are you doing here?

She hasn't talked to anybody
at her new hospital.

- How did this become about me?
- The Turks are sneaky.

Not you guys.
I think Omar took my pudding.

Mmm.

Hey, Keith!
Can I get your pudding?

Uh.

Interns.

You should be excited
about meeting people over there.

You could totally reinvent yourself.

You're right!

I'm gonna tell them
I am the most perfect doctor ever

who never needs anyone's help
with anything!

That'll end well. Dude!

[Speaks Turkish]

This guy's unbelievable!

OK, for some reason,
Mr. Kellerman's fluid situation

isn't getting any better. I think
we should be more aggressive. Keith?

- [Keith] Uh...
- Why don't you go get a Lasix drip.

Other way, Keith!

Oh, Jason, when you're filling out
a female patient's exam report,

her breasts can be "healthy" or
"unhealthy," never "bangin' double-Ds."

There's so much paperwork.

My dad was a veterinarian,
and he never had to do any.

Sometimes I wish this place
were more like a horse hospital.

I'm sorry, Mr. Larson,
but I do not like the look of that leg.

- [Gun cocks]
- [Man neighs]

[Gunshot]

We would have better hours.
All right, gang, get out of here.

Hey, everybody? Great work today.

How do you bother someone without being
around them? That is the question.

[Copy machine whirring]

[Cutting, tape being pulled]

Dorian, I'm paying you to work, not
stand around acting like the Fonz.

Perfect.

Being Turk's secret roommate
was going great...

- [knocking]
...until now.

Turk? I'm leaving for work.

You've worked on your Turk
impression since college.

- Time to shine!
- Turk?

[Turk's voice] I'll be thinking
about you

until the second I see you,
right now, I'm doing my business.

Don't forget to use the Glade!

Dude! That's the best it's ever sounded!

- I thought she was gone?
- Nah, she came back for a quickie.

All this baby stuff,
I feel like she rushed me into it.

I'm not sure I'm ready.

Get ready, she's been off the pill
for a week.

[Guilty snicker]

What have you done?

[Gagging]

[Coughs]

Think she'll be mad?

[Coffee brewing]

Dr. Reid? Need some help?

I don't need anyone's help.

Stop running!

Doctor, do you know
where the Foley caths are?

Sir, I know where everything is.

Be right back.

Stupid coffee robot! Frick!

[Gasps]

Don't sweat it. I used to hide here
when I worked at this place.

I'm on a fellowship now.
Foley cath, please.

Thanks.

Thanks. Could you also grab
a number six needle?

[EIliot] Ahh.

Frick fricky frick frick!

Nice ass, grandma!

[Screams]

That screaming patient would have
to wait. I had bigger problems.

Hey, Keith! I just called upstairs
to see how Mr. Kellerman was doing.

Get this: The nurse told me you
never even started him on a Lasix drip.

Lisa! Imagine my surprise when
she told me you never even increased

his diuretic in the first place!
I'm forced to ask,

are you people trained killers?
Say something, Keith!

[Keith stuttering] I... uh...

If he gets bad enough
and we have to put him on inotropes,

he'll jump to the top of the
transplant list and get a new heart.

They're messing up on purpose?

Who told you guys to do this?

There's a lot of ways to get caught.

Sometimes you get caught because
you couldn't slip your wife her pill,

so you had to feed her one
of your special homemade brownies.

- What's that?
- Oh, that?

That's a tiny marshmallow
with writing on it.

Still, if you don't panic,
you can get away with it.

[Clattering]

Just... doing some inventory... sir.

That's why I'm glad you work here,
sweetheart.

Come on, guys.
Who put you up to this?

As for me, I caught my culprit
because he made the classic mistake

of returning to the scene of the crime.
And all because I, too,

had been eating Turk's
homemade brownies.

Angie, my buddy down in the lab
just told me that your urinalysis

came back positive
for the birth control pill.

So, I will be taking one of... these.

- Thank you!
- Damn it!

- Keith, look at me.
- [Keith stammering]

Did he specifically
tell you to disregard my orders?

What the hell.

I was doing this
and mouthing "I'll kill you,"

which I will if you don't
get out of here. Go on, get.

[Panting]

I saw it first.

Long day.

Newbie, I did tell them to ignore you
and let Mr. Kellerman get worse.

And you wanna know something?
I'd do it again.

- Bye, Elliot.
- Look...

I know I agreed to have a baby,
but you were offering sex at the time.

- I would have agreed to anything!
- [Grunting]

Carla, no.

No! She knows I can't eat
without my strawberry milk.

You should've let her fork me!

I think that's how you got into trouble
in the first place! What's up!

Euphemism five!

His vocabulary's gotten so much better!

- Elliot, why are you here?
- Oh, I have to make Kelso think

I work here so he doesn't have me
arrested for stealing supplies.

What would you have done
if you couldn't give Carla the pill?

- I'd have faked it.
- Guys can't fake it.

Really? Does this sound familiar?

"Oh, baby, we're going all night.
No, wait, don't move!

- Sorry."
- Way too familiar.

- Hey.
- Thank you.

Know what I've been doing?

Besides listening
to my Alanis Morissette CD

to get pumped up
to talk to you? Here.

- Yep.
- I've been thinking about

how you would take
Mr. Kellerman's life into your hands

- without talking to him.
- Well, I did talk to him.

He did.

Patients who stay low on the heart
transplant list die waiting for one.

This way, he moves up to the top.
Come on!

- Then why didn't you tell me?
- Because you're an attending now.

That doesn't just mean
a fat bank account, expensive new toys

and a lawyer on retainer
for when you kill a prostitute.

From now on,
the buck stops with you.

I know you have occasionally
bent the rules in this dump

over the last couple of years
because you knew

when the crap started raining,
it was gonna fall on my head.

But now, the only way for you
to stay out of the trouble storm

is for you to go by the book.
And I got news for you on that front:

By-the-book attendings kill us up here.

I couldn't tell you about Kellerman
'cause I don't know

what type of attending you're gonna be.

Thank you for giving me
the opportunity to prove myself.

You know what? This is my last one.
Here, take it.

Whatever happens
to this poor guy is on you.

[J.D.] The next morning was not good.

Carla was not talking to Turk,

Elliot had dropped by
to help not talk to Turk

and I was sneaking out in my undies

because my clothes
were in the dryer.

- J.D.?
- Morning, friends!

Who's ready for some java?

- Are you wearing boxers?
- Yes, I am, Carla,

because I know when Turk's sad,
he likes me to come over in my boxers,

because he likes to call me his "honky
Adonis." And that's what friends do.

They bought it? Are we that gay?

- What's that?
- Oh, that's my new driving sock.

You can borrow.

Actually, J.D.'s been
living here secretly.

- Turk, why?
- Get those judgmental eyes off me!

J.D. Didn't want to, I begged.

- Is that true?
- I didn't say that.

- J.D. Can do my voice.
- Hey, it's getting good!

Well, thank you! I lost it.

You three are ridiculous.

I'm just here
to grab a ride to work.

At a hospital where you
don't actually work! And you?

How am I to tell you I'm not ready
to have a baby when you're excited?

And you secretly moving back in here?

Now, I really don't love
being den mother to you three...

It's like crack to me.

Still, let me ask you something. Why
are you three so afraid of moving on?

You're still eating those brownies!

I don't wanna get pregnant!
Shoot.

So you're going to the university
for a transplant!

Well, come back and see us, OK?

Who is responsible
for not treating that man?

Well, I was going to treat him,
but I lost my stethoscope, and that's...

He's my patient, Bob!

I'm responsible.

Dr. Dorian, I have kept my mouth shut

about the recent
sexual harassment complaints

because I don't think it's fair
to punish a man for making small talk,

or, say, asking his secretary
just once to dress up as a geisha girl

- and call him Kelso-san...
- What?

Nothing. But now I need to know,

is this the type of attending
you're going to be?

- I guess so.
- Anything else?

I could tell him there's nothing in my
cup and I'm pretending to drink

to seem nonchalant...
No.

... but I was thinking
about what Carla said about moving on.

And I wasn't the only one.

Well, at least there's one attending
around here I can count on.

The hell with it, Bob.
I don't work here! Have a good one.

- I hate this place.
- It hates you, Bob.

That's it.
All my birth control pills are gone.

Not exactly. That Fig Newton
you're about to eat

is not only fat-free,
but it's baby-free.

I just don't get it, Turk.

Look, we had sex 20 times
in eight days,

and I bet it's because
you sensed my hesitance.

- I just want a baby so badly.
- Why?

What's it gonna be like having a baby?

Dr. Cox says it's like having a dog
that slowly learns how to talk.

Awesome!

Right? And I come from a big family,
and I love that.

Me too!

And every time we sit at the kitchen
table, I feel like someone's missing.

I can see him.

- J.D.!
- Gotta make a quick twosie.

This explains a lot.

Hey! Meet your volleyball team.
They're terrible.

Newbie! I heard your voice.

Thanks for nothin', ass-face.

I'm gonna go ahead and give you back one
of these man cards. You deserve it.

Wow. Wanna hug?

You held on to it as long as you could.

I'm gonna have a good year,
aren't I?

Anything can happen.

And I knew he was right...

- [Janitor] Excuse me.
- [Screams]

... for all of us.

[# The Finn Brothers:
Anything Can Happen]

[Glass shatters]

Dr. Reid, are you joining us
for lunch today?

Anyone want half
a tofu-cheese sandwich?

Repeat after me:
Boy, boy, boy, very tall boy.

Boy, boy, boy, very tall boy.

- Boy, boy...
- Boy, boy...

...very tall boy.
...very tall boy.

Good night, Keith.

Hey, keep your head up,
you're doing a good job.

[Keith] Thanks for everything,
Dr. Dorian.

Who am I?

- [J.D. Screams]
- [Thud]