Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 24 - My Drive By - full transcript

No one wants to live out their last
years in a hospital, but people do.

There's not much we can do for them
except try to protect their dignity,

and, of course, bet on them.

- Come on, Mr Gilmore.
- Come on, Colonel Mustard!

Ha! Pay up.

Can I get some Jell-O, please?

Jell-O is for winners.

- What?
- I'm just kidding.

We'll have some sent to your room.

Thank you.

You'll not believe the trouble
I'm having finding a place to live.



What happened
with that guest house?

It's fully furnished,

and the owner
of the main house is just great.

In fact, if you look out the window,
you can see him right now.

Oh, he's perfect.

Perfect for what?

Yeah, I think I'm gonna keep looking.

Things were going better for Elliot.

- Thanks for the movie.
- You're welcome for the movie.

For some reason,
Jake was able to handle

the piping-hot giant bowl
of crazy that is Elliot Reid.

Oh, God! I locked the door
when a black guy walked by.

He'll think I think
he's dangerous cos he's black.

Not just black, but with an actual 'fro,
which I don't find scary at all.



Not like the zig-zags
and the cornrows and stuff.

- My night's ruined.
- No it isn't.

Hey, did you think she was locking
the door cos you're black?

I thought she was locking the door.

Thanks, man. Better?

Coolio. Let's go get some ice cream.

Unfortunately for Jake, he still had
to pass muster with Turk and me,

and nothing is quite
as daunting as our good guy test.

Well, I could use a beer.

I got this round.

Be right back.

- Good guy.
- Great guy.

- Oh, my God.
- Excellent choice.

And finished.

I remember the bordello being bigger.
There were probably more prostitutes.

But maybe I just remember it
that way cos I was a kid.

It was my 12th birthday.

I asked for a bike.
I got a 48-year-old whore.

It's beautiful.

It's almost a shame I get
these casts off in a week.

- A month.
- A what?

I worked too hard.
Take 'em off in a month.

I'll call my orthopaedist.

Dr Murphy, I'd have more sympathy

if this were the first time you'd broke
your feet working in the morgue.

It's like corpses are out to get me.

If only.

Anyway, I need you
to give up this thing.

No offence, son, but I can't have
a delusional bozo like you

driving a motorised vehicle
around this hospital.

Well, if it isn't
the Sullivan Street Cathouse!

What are you doing?

Dr Kelso told me to stand here
at exactly 12.05 with my lunch,

but I don't know why.

Thanks, Ted!

Everybody, gather around here.

Circle it up.
Bring it in nice and tight.

I know I'm pretty quick to point out
other people's mistakes,

but I have a son now,
and I also realise that it's important

to recognise when someone
does something right.

Mr Blake, down in bed three,
came in here with what seemed like

a basic heart block,
but someone took the time

to find out that recently
he'd been camping,

and correctly diagnosed him
with Lyme carditis.

Some of you are gonna think
this is a silly exercise,

but I'd like that someone
to step forward

and stick your hand up in the air

so that the group can recognise
your great good work.

This is no time to be modest.
Come now.

Oh, my God, it was me!

I did it. I'm a genius.

I'm a huge brain in a ripped-up body.

I am Jesus H. Cox., M.D.

Still, I probably couldn't
have done it by myself.

I'd like to recognise some
of the other players involved.

There was the intern who originally
misdiagnosed the patient.

- That's me.
- Put your hand down.

Then there was the resident
who confirmed that misdiagnosis.

I was up late watching
a Designing Women marathon.

And last but not least,
there was the surgeon

who wanted to crack open
Mr Blake's chest like a walnut

and put in a pacemaker
that he didn't even need.

He's too modest to introduce himself
to the group, so I'll do the honours.

He is so black,

so bald, and he can't eat cupcakes
because he's got diabetes.

Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Turk.

Can you just get out of here
so we can get back to work?

Not until people start chanting my name,

so that I can exit the room with
my hands held high above my head

in a victorious gesture.

See, this diagnosing machine,
this fabulous thing,

well, it runs on props, so I'm going
to need to hear it. Come now.

Cox.

Cox. Cox.

Me. Me. Me.

Oh, so me!

I've never connected
with a guy like this.

It's only been two weeks. I know
Jake better than I know myself.

- What does he do for a living?
- I should know that.

What's the sex like?

What makes you think
that I have slept with him?

You've known him more than ten minutes.

You are a weird and angry man!

Two bits.

I've been thinking
about my relationships.

Every time one has potential,
I go too fast and ruin everything.

Jake's not gettin' any.

You're half a glass of wine away from
nuding up and doing your go-to move.

- Which is?
- Her on top, eyes closed

yelling, "Don't look at me!"

- Sex is disgusting.
- I know, sweetie.

Look...

I am attracted to Jake,
but I'm an adult.

I can control my urges.

No means no.

Gotta go.

- 'Night, Elliot.
- Good night, Jake.

I'll check back with you after
I look in on a few other patients.

Mr Evans!

What the hell?

Four, please.

Try not to breathe on the chrome, Lurch.

Out of my way, minions.

You might want to pick up a pamphlet
on that new thing called chewing.

Hey, can I get...

One second.

Cox! Cox! Cox!

I eat here all the time.

Oh, yeah.

Guy's choking!

I can't clear his airway.
Call 911!

He'll be brain dead by...
I'm gonna do an emergency trach.

Let me get a knife!

A clean knife!

And can I get a number two,
no sour cream?

Hey, now, great work back there, Gandhi.

What a story, huh? Blood, bravery,
illegal immigrants... It had it all.

When you tell Carla about this,
the next time you two have sex,

there's a slight chance that she
actually just might think about you.

Perry, Perry, Perry.

You know what the difference
between us is?

Besides the fact
that I can carry a conversation

without checking my own reflection
every five seconds?

I'm sorry. I get lost in my eyes.

Anyway, I'm not gonna tell anyone
about this because unlike you...

...unlike you, I got into medicine
to help people,

not for my own personal glory.

Yeah. Now that's just a load of crap.

The only reason anybody
ever does anything is to feed the ego,

because that's what we are,
ego monsters.

Mark my words, eventually
you will tell people what you did.

- Oh, we'll see.
- Yeah, we'll see.

- Yeah. We will see.
- We will so see!

- Want to call it?
- That's a good idea.

See you later.

I don't know how to avoid
sleeping with Jake.

It's easy. If you find yourself
in a romantic situation,

do something that's a turn-off.

Like how you can
swallow your whole fist.

No way! She can't do that!

Calm down, boys. Let me just ask.

Can you really swallow your whole fist?

Yeah.

Don't ruin it.

Men are twisted.

Do you guys have any other ideas?

I don't have time to be dealing
with your little sex pickle.

Really? She spent two years
dealing with yours.

I hate that thing.

Sir, you probably haven't noticed this,

but the floors around here are so clean
you can see yourself in them.

Why you handsome son of a gun!

Have you looked at me lately, fellas?

Oh, bellissimo!

I know we haven't taken care
of that asbestos thing,

and I know some toilets flush upward...

Get to the point.
My battery power is running low.

The one thing that I'm proud of
is that these floors are so clean

you could eat off of 'em.

Why is that?

If you're going to throw food
on the floor,

you can just eat there from now on.

Soup night was the worst.

All-righty. Point proving time.

Carla, I assume tubby hubby here told
you what happened at the taco stand.

Tell me you didn't
try to get free guacamole again

by telling them you were married
to one of their people.

No, I did not!

I don't have the need to make everything
about me. I'm not that pathetic.

So, what did happen at the taco stand?

There are people in life
who know how to push your buttons...

The guy started choking,
so I sprung into action

and gave him an emergency trach.

Yeah.

It's important to have a plan
to deal with it,

even if it means never
being alone with someone.

Wow, Body Heat's a sexy movie, huh?

Doesn't Kathleen Turner
have dynamite nerps?

Yeah.

Of course, if that person is stubborn,
there's not much you can do.

I'm sorry. I'd love to help you,

but I could give a horse's patootie
about your floors.

My floors are my children!

I've given them names!

The key is to figure out a way
to not let them get the best of you.

Honestly, it was like death and I
had a staring match

and, well, death blinked.

All of you know
I'm not one to toot my own horn, but...

...beep, beep.

OK, that's it! That's it!
I can't take this anymore! That's it!

I saved the guy, people.
Death blinked at me!

You got that? He blinked at me!

- OK?!
- Yeah!

Oh, doesn't that feel so much better?

I am so proud of you.
Well struck.

So well struck.

Yes.

It's just the way I called it.
Grandpa Goatee to win,

Pee Pants to place
and Wrong-Way Wally not to finish.

- He does have glaucoma.
- I should've been told!

It wouldn't have mattered. You know why?
Because I am always right.

It's something my pal Gandhi
knows a little something about

because, you see,
we are both egotistical peas

in a giant narcissistic pod.

And to prove my point,

I am going to go ahead
and make an unnecessarily showy,

but undeniably impressive, exit.

Rope time, Gandhi.

Feel it. I'll see you later.

I would so mock him right now

if I wasn't so turned on.

I'm not like that, am I?

Actually, Turk,
you are slightly Cox-ish.

Yeah. The way you do that victory dance

every time you win
the slightest argument.

- No, I don't.
- Maybe not.

You know, Turk, you were right.
Next year is not a leap year.

Damn it!

Thanks for giving me a ride to work.

I hope you didn't mind
J.D. Tagging along.

- Next time he'll let you sit up front.
- Maybe she'll yell "shotgun" faster.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Elliot, you can't keep
taking J.D. Everywhere you go.

You're gonna have to trust yourself.

No, I won't, Carla.
The system is working. Trust me.

I will not be having sex with Jake
anytime soon.

That seems like a strange thing
to announce to your friends.

- I just came back to get my keys.
- This is so awkward.

Look away. Look away!

- All your references checked out.
- I never gave you any references.

Where the hell's my Rascal?

How do you like my new floor waxer?

That's not yours! That's my car thing.
You just painted it!

- I did not.
- You've got green paint on your face.

I do... Well, that's not paint.
That's pudding.

Even if this was the Rascal,
you can't prove anything.

And it's no good to hide it from me
cos I got keys to everything.

Except the third floor mental ward.
Someone stole that one.

- Was he smoking a gavel?
- Seemed to be.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have work to do. Floors to wax!

Floors to wax!

Why do I have to have
my gallbladder taken out?

Because, Mr Hoffner,
you have gallstones.

Why do I have gallstones?

Did you possibly eat a gall-boulder
and then fall on your stomach?

Do I need my gallbladder?

Oh, my God.
It is a completely useless organ.

Wait, that's not completely true.

It turns out we could remove it
and then jam it in your mouth

to keep you from asking the question
we've been over for three days.

Come on. We're both in a position
to get good news.

You'll feel better, I'm gonna get the
most annoying patient out of my hair.

Plus, you're in a bonus situation.

I hand-picked the surgeon
that you're going to be torturing.

- Here he is now.
- Is this the gallbladder guy?

Do I need my gallbladder?

Enjoy.

- I'm giving up on men.
- Just call him.

- You can't make me.
- Unfortunately,

I know that the guy you're dating
is always under speed dial number one.

Constipation Hotline.

Two is your current boyfriend.

- Hello?
- Frick.

Listen, Jake...

It's not that I'm never
going to have sex with you.

I'm going to, and believe me, when I
am on top, eyes closed and screaming,

you're gonna be happy you waited.

I'm gonna go ahead
and take you off speaker phone.

Hi.

- So, are you a good surgeon?
- I'm capable.

Capable.
I'm not sure I want the surgery.

Gandhi... a word.

Look, I know what you're doing in there.

You think if you act like Dr Sad Sack,

the patient's gonna opt out of surgery,
and I'll have to spend yet another week

with a man who has such
an attachment to his gallbladder

that, left to his devices, he would
rent a room and have sex with it.

Now, come on.
I need you to sling that

"I'm gonna get freaky-deeky
with my... chisel...

and swizzle up the dizzle
for my... bee-ai-itch..."

...stuff that you know you do so well.

Sorry, I'm not that guy anymore.

Are you sure
I don't need my gallbladder?

Oh... dear... Lord.

The reason I've been acting so weird
and having my friends around

is because I think
we have a shot for something great.

I didn't want to ruin it
by sleeping with you too fast.

- What was I supposed to do?
- You could have just told me that.

Yes, but you're forgetting I'm crazy.

Elliot, please.
Look, everybody has their stuff.

Like me. I'm emotional.
I've always had trouble expressing it.

Here, tell me you like my shirt.

- I like your shirt.
- Cool.

OK, now tell me my childhood dog,
Buster, was never put down,

and we're gonna be reunited
this weekend. You can paraphrase.

- Buster's coming home.
- Cool.

There's no difference,
and Buster meant the world to me.

I really like you,
Elliot, but I'm an adult.

I want this to be an adult relationship.

If you want to be patient and not
have sex right away, then that's fine,

because I think we have a chance
for something great too.

- I want you so bad right now.
- Cool.

Guess I should get goin'.

You paged in the middle of a busy day.
Better be important.

- What were you doing?
- Sleeping in a mop closet.

You forced me to do this.

Either we figure out a way
to share the Rascal,

or neither one of us gets it.
It's your move.

You've got eight seconds
before this becomes rubble.

Five seconds.

Come on. This is gonna hurt you
more than it hurts me.

I doubt it.

You moved my car there, didn't you?

Like I said... a key to everything.

I know it sounds corny,

but we made a big difference
in that person's life.

I hope she digs her new cans.
You did great work.

You know, it's not about me.

- Assisted five. I'll take it.
- Walk with me.

I cannot believe that you
are the one I have to tell this.

Ego is good, ya dumbass. The reason
that guy wants you to be his surgeon,

the reason that she
is borderline attracted to you

and she so desperately
wants to marry you.

Page me when you're headed home.

Bottom line, in medicine,
half of pulling it off

is believing you're the biggest, badass
of a doctor to ever walk these halls.

Want to see how you end up
if you don't believe that?

I don't know how it happened again,
but it did.

As I gangsta-leaned down the hallway

in the rad new wheels
I found by the Dumpster,

I couldn't help but think
how ego affects everything.

Without a healthy dose of it,

you can't trust yourself
to do what you want.

I don't think that
we're going too quick.

By the way, what do you do?

I make and distribute
Hungarian pornography.

- I'm a real estate developer.
- Thank God.

Of course, with too much ego,

you can end up losing something
you wish you still had.

You OK?

I'm not used to walking from my office
to the nurses station.

But with the right amount,
nothing can get in your way.

I am going to yank that gallbladder
out of you so fast,

your spleen is gonna say,
"What happened to Frank?"

That's right, your kidney
named your gallbladder Frank.

I don't want you to worry about
this another second, OK?

Cos I'm the man! I am the man.

Look at you! High-five.