Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 23 - My Faith in Humanity - full transcript

One of the reasons Turk and I
are so popular around here

is we love helping
our fellow doctors.

- Hey, Hooch.
- That's my name. Don't wear it out.

Classic Hooch. Even though
I'm not gonna be paid,

I'll cover your shift
so you can do Mr Schindler's endoscopy.

I'll cross-cover Dr Turner's patients

so Turner can assist you
on the procedure.

Why are you going
through so much trouble?

Who's doing the endoscopy
on Mr Schindler?

- Turner and Hooch!
- Turner and Hooch!

All right!



Were you just Hooch?

Everyone hates you guys.

- Hooch.
- Hooch is crazy!

As much as Hooch loved us, it was
even better to see Turk happy.

He and Carla started couples therapy,
and I'm not sure he was enjoying it.

Carla says you cry after you orgasm.

- Would you like to talk about that?
- No, not really.

I decided to help their marriage
by moving out,

partly because Carla and I accidentally
kissed and messed things up,

but mostly because it was time.
Finding an apartment has not been easy.

I'm so sorry about your father.

I'm sure he lived a wonderful life

at 14 Maple Drive, apartment 4B.

Was he lucky enough to enjoy
a washer and dryer in his unit



while he was alive?

Ever mention any hot neighbours?

What are you doing
in the on-call room?

Nothing.

- I gotta go.
- OK.

Thankfully, Turk got over the kissing.

There's a weird new thing he does
when he says goodbye.

OK, I'll see you around.

Peace, homey.

Do you guys think that Clarissa
is more attractive than me?

Yes.

Who's Clarissa?

The short, balding woman
in the pharmacy.

Oh, then, definitely yes.

She just got engaged,
bad combover and all.

She beats you to the altar,
time to hang up the ovaries.

Too mean. How am I supposed
to meet a guy working in this place?

Are the guys here that bad?

Twelve minutes door to door!

That's a personal best, suckos!

Nurse, suction.

The patient's not even here yet.

I know.

I just wish once a cute, thoughtful guy
would walk through the door.

Can I get help?
My neighbour fainted.

She doesn't like ambulances,
so I brought her in myself.

Let me take this one.
You've got a phone call.

- I'll call them back.
- Your mom died.

What?

Her mom's fine. It's just
a little running joke we have.

She'll be laughing later.
Gotcha, Jenny!

Dead mom joke's always funny.

So, Betty, you're back with us.

And you brought a handsome buck.

Are you trying to make me jealous?
You know you're my gal.

Who are you?

I'm Dr Dorian. I'm the one
that's taken care of you

the last 19 times you've been in here.

She's getting a little forgetful.

- Are you a relative?
- No. Neighbour.

Well, I met her once.

It was raining, and you were
wearing a blue sweater.

That's a lovely memory.
You know what else is a lovely memory?

That Sunday I spent eight hours helping
you join the Wilford Brimley fan club.

You don't remember that?

I'm kind of on my way to the airport.

I'm going kayaking
with friends in New Zealand.

Cool. So, what are you
gonna do there?

Mostly kayaking.

So, Betty, I'll check on you
the second I get back, OK?

You get better now.

So, Elliot, the first thing
we're gonna need to do is...

Is Dr Reid coming back?

Don't worry. You're in
good hands with Dr Dorian.

- Who's that?
- That's me, Betty. Dr Dorian.

Cocoon. Wilford Brimley.
Steve Guttenberg, the whole day. No?

Jake. So you're probably rushing home
to wipe the old person smell off?

Excuse me?

I'm just kidding. I love old people.

There's no denying
they have a distinctive smell.

I mean, it's nothing bad.
It's like a... general mustiness.

Like, you know, when you get
your cast taken off,

and... skin mould.

Well, I got a flight to catch.

- You guys need me to sign anything?
- No. You're good.

OK, then.

Hats off there, Barbie.

The was one potent combination of
verbal diarrhoea and stunned silence.

You should have asked him out.
Men love that.

No, Carla, men don't love that.

We don't love picnics,
foreplay, candles,

baths, photo albums, or when
you drive so we can relax.

And, as always, we're not that big
on Hugh Jackman.

The only thing men care about as far
as dating is concerned is the chase.

If you want that guy
to look your way,

listen to me carefully,
ignore the living hell out of him.

That's the worst advice
I've ever heard.

Good point.

You don't happen to have any other gems
before you run to couples therapy

to sift through the wreckage that is
the first year of your marriage?

Look, Dr Cox, I'm sure that you are
fantastic at picking up men. Really.

But I can handle this one
on my own, thank you.

Some people just cannot take a good
"your mom is dead" joke.

Anyway, I worry that sometimes
when I'm tense,

I can be a little condescending.

Actually, I've noticed that.

Have you really noticed it,
"Mr Therapist"?

- Chris, what's going on with you?
- Nothing worth talking about.

This is your third visit and you've
yet to say how you're feeling.

I don't think there's anything wrong
with our relationship.

You pretend everything's OK,
even though deep inside,

a lot of things bother you.

So come on, tell me what
you're thinking right now.

I'm staring at that picture.

Is that one of those
psychological ink blot tests

where I try and figure out what it is?
Because, if so...

...l'm seeing a duck.

- Let's take a break.
- OK.

But, Hooch, if the patient
just has simple cellulitis,

why aren't the antibiotics working?

Damn it, Turner,
it just doesn't make sense!

Even though I had created

a super medical
crime-fighting team, I felt lousy.

I told Betty her lungs
had given out,

and she wasn't gonna
leave the hospital.

So...

...what are my choices?

Well, we could put you
on a breathing machine,

but it's unlikely
you'd ever come off of it.

Or I could just make sure
you're as comfortable as possible.

"As comfortable as possible."

I've said that a million times,
but no idea what it means.

There you go, Betty.

That's every cotton ball
in the hospital.

I am very, very comfortable!

Then you're ready to die.

Look, is there anyone you'd
like to talk this over with?

She just wants to talk to you
for a minute.

Yeah? About what?

Just about how and when
she should die.

I counsel most of my random
neighbours on their deathbeds.

This woman is alone,
she's depressed,

and for some reason
feels like she's connected with you.

- Sorry. I wouldn't know what to say.
- Open with a joke.

Then you and your raft will be
on a four-hour trip to New Zealand.

No, it's more like 14 hours.

You're close to revealing geography
is your Achilles heel.

Say something smart
to regain credibility.

Vesa-vegal syncopy is mediated
by the autonomic nervous system.

And Betty needs you, pal.
Come on. Do it.

You'll feel good. Trust me.

You don't even know
where New Zealand is.

You can dance your way there
from Old Zealand.

Are you an idiot?

Elliot, my neighbour fainted too.

You want to go clubbing?

I don't mean dancing, I mean
going up to the roof and killing rats.

- I thought we were done with this.
- Thought I'd give it a shot.

Just put her back in her room.

She's not a patient.
I got her at the mall.

Better get you back
to the food court.

Your husband's probably
come to by now.

Oh, my God, here he comes.

OK, this is easy.
Just compliment him.

Tell him he has a square head.

That's not a compliment.
What shape is a compliment?

Triangle? Pyramid?
Circle. Circle head.

You're stuck on shapes,
and square head's almost here!

Just do what Dr Cox said
and ignore him.

Hey, Elliot.

That girl's kind cute.
What's her story?

- She's a dude.
- Yeah?

Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.

- Therapy is killing me.
- I don't know how you do it.

Make love with your lady in front
of some old dude filming you?

- That's not couples therapy, Todd.
- Then what did I do?

- You did amateur porn.
- Sweet.

J.D., you got a sec?

- Sure. I'll be with you in a minute.
- OK.

So check this out.

Our therapist says I'm the type
who pretends everything's OK,

even when I'm upset
deep down inside.

If you look at the whole kissing thing,

intellectually you moved on,
but emotionally you're still upset.

- You'll get there.
- I'm not upset.

Really? Oh, OK.
I'll see you later. Bye.

- You see?
- See what?

Let's try it again.
I'll see you later, buddy. Bye.

- Bye.
- Always the same spot!

It's like your fingers are stone.

Last time. I'll see you later, b...

Hey! Look at yourself.

I've been hitting you?

Yeah. You're like The Brown Hulk.

Hey, how's it going in here, you two?

Well, pretty good. Pretty good.
We talked about her past.

Betty even let me in on a few romantic
trysts from her younger days.

Are you familiar with
Mr David Brinkley?

- No way.
- Yeah.

Betty.

Then when we finally got down
to talking for real,

well, it became pretty obvious that
Betty had already made a decision.

OK.

What impressed me
most about Jake,

besides his perfectly square head,

was that he faced this whole
Betty thing straight on.

He thinks I'm cute.
He thinks I'm cute.

He didn't hide because he was afraid
to admit someone was right.

- I'm cute...
- Barbie.

- Why so happy?
- No reason.

He didn't run because he was
scared of facing his own feelings.

Baby, I'm not gonna be able
to make therapy tonight.

- I got surgery.
- Fine.

He wouldn't be able to do it
if it weren't for his secret weapon...

Dr John Dorian.

- What?
- What?

You said your name in a weird
summing up way.

- No, I didn't, Jake.
- Oh, so you're Jake.

As I understand it, you just talked
my sister into ending her life.

Long story short.

I'm a lawyer. I'm suing you.

Once again. Sister dying,
brother lawyer, suing you!

See, that's summing up in a weird way.
Yeah.

"Brother lawyer..." That's it.

I can't believe this is happening.

Everything's gonna be fine.
Trust me.

- Is that him?
- Yes. Here's Ted,

our brilliant hospital attorney.
Sharp as a tack.

Mark my words, Jake, we're gonna
take every last cent you have!

No, no, Ted. We're on his side.

Oh. Here's my card.

This is a Post-lt.

I don't get real cards
until I win a case.

Go take a nap, Ted.

He spelled "attorney" wrong.

"Buy groceries, kill self."

You're sent from the future
to destroy me.

I am not from the future, Jake.

Gesundheit, Carol.

Yes! It finally worked!
What are the odds?

I don't know, J.D. What I do know
is I'm about to go down to my truck,

get my kayak paddle,
and go Greg Barton on your ass.

- Who's Barton?
- Famous kayaker.

Oh, Greg Barton.

I hate you, J.D.

I know.

This is the most painful thing
I've done,

and I was a cutter for a week
in high school.

My shop teacher thought scars were
sexy, but that's a whole other story.

Your advice really worked
and I'd appreciate some more help.

No problem, Barbie.

Let me just finish
writing this prescription,

and you'll be squared away.

This is a prescription for "no."

To be taken with food every Saturday
night while you're eating alone.

You don't understand
the severity of this.

I am dangerously close
to giving up men altogether.

On behalf of men everywhere,
including the ones in the mud huts,

let me be the first to say
thanks and hallelujah.

See the problem with trying
to appeal to its human side?

- He doesn't have one.
- Exactly. But what does he have?

A shaved chest, tiny t-shirts,
and the eyes of a madman.

I'm sorry. The correct answer
she was looking for is a giant ego.

I have a giant ego.

Damn it! I knew that.

Would you just appeal to it
so I can get something to eat?

- You're amazing.
- And I'm in.

Dr Kelso, you can't do that.

I didn't.
Your friend Turkleton did.

But I can do whatever I want.

You look ridiculous.

I thought we were doing
moustaches on Sunday.

I didn't do this. Kelso did!

- You invited Kelso to Moustache Sunday?
- Enough with the moustaches.

Did you break up Turner and Hooch?

I needed an excuse to get out
of couples counselling.

I can't open up, man.
I just can't do it.

Besides, this way no one gets hurt.

We had a hell of a run, man.

Just get out of here.

Maybe I should just go talk to him.

Forget Dennis.
He's a horrible person.

We'll never change his mind.
We need to focus on Betty.

We'll just have her explain
how she feels. Problem solved.

"Betty's in a coma."
I'm gonna talk to Dennis.

He seems like a reasonable guy.

Hey, Jake. How's it goin'?

I've had better days.
How are you?

Listen to me, Barbacious,
you gotta stay the course.

Keep ignoring him.

But I'm already ignoring him.
How do I ignore him more?

Piece of cake. First you engage him,
then you ignore him.

Elliot? I said how are you?

I don't have time for this, OK?
I'm a doctor.

But you asked me how I was.

Trying to save lives.
It's not always about you.

You would not believe
the day I'm having.

Quiet, jackass. What did you say
to Elliot to make her run?

- If you hurt her...
- I didn't say anything.

- Everyone here is crazy.
- Not true.

Let me put down my bag of rats
and explain something to you.

- A bag of rats. Are those alive?
- I put a dead one in the middle.

All the live ones get a good look,
they start toeing that line.

- Know what I'm saying?
- I very much don't.

It's pretty simple.

Take a canvas bag...

Jailbreak!

You'll do whatever you want
with your sister,

but Jake's trying to help.

He's a stand-up guy, and I think
you should leave him alone.

If you do I think it will be
dy-no-mite.

Sorry, I was just watching
Good Times in the doctors' lounge.

Yeah. I'm gonna
screw him to the wall.

Can you believe this guy?

Son, look around.

There's an old man with Alzheimer's
who no one bothers to come visit.

I had a chat with a woman
who refuses to stop using cocaine.

She's six months pregnant.

Last week I saw an older woman
fall and break her hip

because some guy was
too busy to hold the door open.

So you laughed and pointed.

I didn't say it wasn't funny.
I just said it happened.

When's the last time you saw
a glimpse of humanity in this place?

Kelso had a point.
In the outside world,

you'll see a stream of cars drive by
an old woman with a flat tyre.

Around here, every time
you round a corner,

- well...
- She fell again.

Anyway, I knew what I had to do.

Just go. No one here
knows your last name.

They'll never be able to find you.

Go enjoy your rafting thing
in New Zealand.

Which, incidentally, is
10,000 miles east of Australia

and famous for alcoholism
and clam chowder.

Brushing up on New Zealand.

You've been brushing up
on New England.

Well, go anyway.
Wherever it is you're rafting.

- Where's he going?
- He just left.

Barbie! Go get him!

I... believe in you.

No, you don't. You want me to
embarrass myself to laugh at me.

Like when you told me the hospital
fund raiser was a costume party.

I walked into a black-tie dinner
as Clarence Thomas.

I was in a costume too.

You wore an Armani tux.

I went as someone who doesn't
make a fool out of himself.

How'd you not get that?

Thank you.

I just got my sister into
the hospital across town.

I can finally get her out
of this hell hole.

I personally see to it
every inch of this building

is up to the highest
standards and codes.

Well, that's just bad timing.

Get back here! I'm sorry!

Come on, fellas!

And then something
surprising happened.

Well, look who's back.

Look, buddy, I...

I barely know your sister,
I certainly don't know you,

but she told me what she wanted,
and I'm gonna honour that.

I'm gonna go ahead and stay here

till I figure out a way
to make you understand,

even if I have to get a lawyer.

Not you.

They're smart, they are organised,

and they've got my keys.

It's amazing how a selfless gesture
can affect so many people.

One man saw someone who didn't
run away from a problem

and found the courage to do the same.

I got something
I'd like to share today.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I don't like it when Carla pinches
my nipples when we're having sex.

Baby, that's... That's one of
the reasons why I cry,

because you pinch them
too hard, and it hurts.

One man was pushed
to make the right decision.

Just make her
as comfortable as possible.

And another man realised it's OK
to be a decent human being for once.

He's definitely leaving for good
this time, Barbie.

I'd... I say go for it.

- Why won't you leave me alone?
- I don't know.

The NHL is on strike, and I'm not
getting my fill of toothless men

knocking the hell out of each other.

Maybe because for the first time in
four years, I'd like to see you happy.

Believe whatever you want.
I don't really care.

Jake the Snake
is bearing down on you.

If I were you, I'd step up to him,

look him straight in the eye
with those beautiful blues and...

...invite him out for a cup of coffee
before he escapes.

Hey... Can I buy you a cup of coffee
before you escape?

- What now?
- I mean... I mean, go.

- Yeah. That'd be nice.
- Great.

That's a cute couple.

I give 'em a week.

I can make sure of that.

- Rat?
- No, thanks.

Oh, congratulations, Clarissa.

As for me, seeing Jake
come back and do the right thing

restored my faith in humanity.

I can't believe that six young men

stopped to help an old lady
change a tyre.

And don't you forget
who put that tyre on

and tightened those lug nuts, Martha.

OK, sweetie, have fun
at the swap meet. Drive safe.

Yep, it sure feels good
to do the right thing.

Righty loosey, lefty tighty.

Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

Man. It still feels good.