Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 15 - My Hypocritical Oath - full transcript

Even though it can be tough around here,

sometimes God gives you little gifts
to get you through the day.

- Grab a mop...
- Shush. Watching The Sixth Sense.

There's a mess in the hallway.

- This kid sees dead people.
- That film is at least five years old.

So what? I haven't seen it.

Bruce Willis is a ghost.

He's been dead the entire time.

Oh! All the best.

No! No!

You guys, I'm so excited about tonight.



We're just going to a nightclub.

No, Carla. An African-American club.

Promise me you'll be cool.

In Turk's defence,
we had tried this once before.

You can't touch me.

And once before that.

Yeah, boy!

Man. It's only 10.00.

But, hey, the third time's a charm.

All right, you three can go in.

- Word.
- Uh-uh. You're out.

- Oh, look, sir...
- Baby, I got this. Listen here, man.

He's a little out of his mizzle,
so for just a little bizzle,

if you let him up in this pizzle,
he'll be all chizzle.



You out, too.

Sir, this is for idiot number one,

and this is for idiot number two.

Come on, you fool.

Oh, I knew I'd get in!

Just don't lose your head, Bambi.

Oh!

Turk! J.D.'s doing the...

Oh, God.

After two hours
of roboting I was parched.

And that's when I saw Kylie.

Hi. Can you make me an appletini?

I hope so. It's my favourite drink.

Oh, my God. That's a sign!

If only she had
my goofy sense of humour.

Out of vodka. Let me go
downstairs and get more.

I've been working on my fake stair walk.

OK, time to move in for the kill.

Work the fact you're a doctor
into the conversation. Just be subtle.

I'm a doctor. John Dorian.
Most of my patients live.

This is so weird.
I've been looking for a doctor...

My God, look at those beautiful eyes.

They're so big I can see myself in them.

Wow! How cute am I?

So it's probably nothing big, but I'm
wondering if you could check it out.

You got it.
Come by Sacred Heart tomorrow.

I have clinic hours.
After all, I'm a doctor.

You're gonna date a patient.

I hope she has something that keeps
her here so you get to know her.

I gotta thank you for taking
a special interest.

He's just excited

because he wishes he dated more
sexy black women when he was single.

At least he married one.

Todd, I'm not black.

Right. And I'm not straight.

Do you ever get that special
fluttery feeling in your heart

when you feel like a woman's
about to change your life?

Hey, J. D! This is my boyfriend James.

Thanks again for seeing him.

How's your heart?
The fluttering has stopped.

There. Is she black?

Be with you in a second.

Thanks, doc.

It's funny. I thought you said
you were the one who needed a doctor.

No. I told you it was James.

Oh. How could I not have heard that?

Remember, I said...

My God, look at those beautiful eyes.

They're so b... You're doing it again!

So I'll see you in there.

OK. In there I'll see you.

Oh, man! I can't believe it's over.

Dude, it's not that serious.

There could be a window, but you have to
get in there and fish for information.

You don't want to lose this hottie!
She is a slamming hottie, and you...

Turk.

I got this. Baby,
you know you're his world.

I'm going for it. But, you know,
I gotta go in there hot.

Turk, what's that joke
that Mickhead always tells?

Dude, a guy walks
into a dentist's office

and says, "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist then says,
"If you think you're a moth,

why'd you come to the dentist's office?"

The guy then says,
"Well, the light was on."

That moth was crazy.

Hey, I heard a great joke.

A guys walks into a dentist's office
and says, "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist says,
"If you think you're a moth,

why are you in a dentist's office?"
I forgot the punch line.

You can't bail out now. Stall, stall!

So the moth says,

"That's a good question.

What kind of dentist are you?"

And the dentist says,
"I'm a general dentist,

but I do dabble in orthodontry,

braces and such," and the moth says,

"Orthodontry?
I hear there's great money in that."

The light was on!

"To answer your original question,
which was if I think I'm a moth,

why am I in a dentist's office,
the answer is because the light was on."

The light. It was the light, James.
Moths love light.

So, other than your funny bone being
broken, what seems to be the problem?

Had a fever and stomach-ache
for almost a week.

OK, well, let's get
a little history on you.

Time to go fishing for some info.

You ever have shortness of breath,

for instance when you're walking Kylie
to the apartment that you share?

- We don't live together.
- Window! Window!

Oh, so you're waiting
until you get married.

We're not engaged.

I don't have shortness of breath,
but my right knee is a little puffy.

Maybe that's from dragging
your feet. Am I right?

She knows! OK.

Using patient histories to your
advantage is an old doctor trick.

What a doctor says and what they mean
are often two different things.

Dr Robbins treated your husband but
we'll approach this case differently.

It's very comforting to have
the chief of medicine here.

I took a special interest in this case.

Thank you.

Hey, Elliot.
Your boobies look hot today.

Mr Cheng's test results
show that he's in renal failure.

We're waiting for the results
of his blood smear.

I saw his chart before
I went to the bakery. He's got malaria.

And you were going to tell him this
after you had a sticky bun?

He's going to live at least another 12
hours and the bakery closes at 5.00.

But we've gotta get moving on this.
What should we do?

Nothing. Mr Cheng
is not long for this world.

Do you believe that guy?

I never cease to be amazed by the depth
of his cynicism and callousness.

So what do you think we should do?

I don't care. I'm going home
to watch the Lakers play the Heat.

It's the game of the year,
Shaq versus Kobe.

You are going to stay
and deal with this yourself.

Shaq versus Kobe?

All the best. Ooh! Let it happen.

Three, two, one.

What's this stretch good for?

It loosens up my chest.
You should probably stretch too.

Don't need to. I got a tube of
Bengay on each one of my hamstrings.

How are things going with Kylie?

OK. Is there some special way
to get a black girl to like you?

When a black girl asks you if her ass
looks big, you say, "Hell, yeah."

- All right.
- OK?

- You want to play some ball?
- Hell, yes.

Dr Kelso, I've thought about it,

and I am not going to just
wait for Mr Cheng to die.

- Excuse me?
- Are you kidding me?

Barbie going toe to toe with Big Bob
in a battle of the annoyings?

Well, happy birthday to me!

We should do an exchange transfusion.

The southpaw with the blonde bangs
and big britches comes out swinging!

The man is 72
and in multi-system organ dysfunction.

It's done. It's parasites one,
person zero,

If you tell that family
he's got a chance,

all you're doing is raising their hopes.

Oh, tremendous body blow!

Oh, and for the record,
we're not colleagues.

I don't care what you think.

The fight goes
to the stocky middleweight

from Monroeville, Pennsylvania.

Perry, Mickhead called in sick.
I need you to work tonight.

That's all and good,
but I'm not available.

There is no chance I am missing
this game. No chance, no how.

What the...

Say, Bob, what the hell
happened in your office?

Every year, the med students
get me with a practical joke.

They messed with
the speed control on my treadmill.

What I can't figure is
how they got into my office.

Here's the key to Kelso's office.

And here's Nurse Tisdale's phone number.

I don't have any idea how
they might've gotten in here, Bob.

If you think I'm missing
the biggest game of the year...

I hate to interrupt, but I'm still woozy
from being shot into my wall,

so why don't you just go work your shift
and use my VCR to tape the game?

When did you get this?

Right about the time
we couldn't afford that MRI machine.

Of course you did.

Hey, Kylie, I wrote down
that moth joke for you.

Wow.

Give her a compliment.
Tell her she has a huge ass.

- You...
- What happened to your eye?

It's a little embarrassing.
I was playing basket...

Embarrassing for me, actually.
See... Wingman time.

We were playing basketball,

and he scored eight buckets
in a row on yours truly.

- I alley-ooped him.
- Shut up.

You could've used J.D. At Seton Hall.

The soup kitchen where you volunteer
called... You played at Seton Hall?

All four years.

- Get out of here!
- Did the soup kitchen have a message?

They're out of broth. What was
it like playing college ball?

Sweetie, I'm gonna go
to the cafeteria and get you a coffee.

Hell, no! Sweetie ain't drinking
no cafeteria coffee.

Sweetie, you are drinking
the coffee from the doctors' lounge.

Let's... Seton Hall, huh? Yeah!

Thank you.

It's the test results.
Let's see what's going on.

Your gramstain shows that you have...

You have gonorrhoea.

We should probably test Kylie
to see if she's infected.

No, we haven't slept together, yet.
It's not like I'm missing out.

I probably got it from my secretary.
Or that trainer from the gym.

Or this fine chick Tamyra
that bartends with Kylie.

Yeah!

We should probably get you fixed up

or things might start
falling off of you.

Listen up.

I have been cursed to work
the night shift with you chuckleheads,

which means I have to tape
the Laker-Heat game,

and seeing as no one
in the history of this germbox

has ever made made it through a shift
without saying, "Oh, my God!

Did you see what happened last night
on America's Fattest Fatties?

A 900-pound woman
lost a pound and a half

and cried for 20 minutes." Be warned.

If you utter a word
about the score of the game,

it will be your last. Now get out!

Go, go, go, go! Chop, chop!

What drives people to seek revenge?

So... you don't want to know
the ending of something.

I can relate to that.

What is that in your lap?

Leonard. Half-kitten, half-monkey.

Unfortunately, with his system failing,

Dr Reid and I have agreed
there's nothing more we can do.

What drives people
to go back on their word?

If we do an exchange transfusion,

there's a chance
we can save your father.

Oh! Thank you, thank you!

Thank you, thank you!

You have to keep this between us.

You know, doctor-patient
confidentiality, right?

And what do you do
when every fibre of your being

wants to say something,
but you know you can't.

Hey! What are you guys talking about?

Nothing.

Why do all the good ones have
boyfriends with venereal diseases,

but you can't say anything
cos you're the guy's doctor?

I am so sick of men screwing women over,

like cheating on them or using your
lavender bath gel to wash their car.

You did not just compare cheating

and getting gonorrhoea
to me using your soap.

I'm just saying men let you down.
J.D., you have to tell her.

J.D. Took the Hippocratic oath.
There's no way around it.

Is there an "A"?

Yes, there is.

Yes!

There may be a way around it.

Thanks.

Ooh! Barbie, you are up there
without a net this time.

I sure do hope Mr Cheng rallies for you

because if he doesn't, you're gonna
be hearing Bob Kelso's voice saying,

"Sweetheart, I told you so"
from now until you're two inches shorter

and driving around Florida
with your left-hand blinker on.

Now it's time to ruin the game.

- Come with me to the window.
- Do you have some elaborate plan?

I do. I convinced everybody
that's afraid of me to go outside

and spell out the score.

- Really?
- No, you idiot.

I'm just gonna tell you
the score of the game,

maybe knock your head against the glass.

I was way out of line telling
you how that movie ended,

but, God save me, watching sports

is one of the last pure
pleasures I have left in my life,

so you tell me what's it gonna take

for you to let me go home,
sit in my massage chair,

and enjoy the game?

I would like to perform
open heart surgery.

- No.
- How about you perform surgery on me

- so that I can breathe underwater?
- No.

- I would like a shark that read minds.
- No.

- You and I trade lives for a year.
- No.

A meal and an hour
in your massage chair?

- Done.
- Done.

Hey, guys, it's off.

Wow! You guys are organised.

Hey, did you catch
that Lakers-Heat game?

Five seconds left...

I can't believe you make
$300 in tips a night.

This is why doctors
should have tip jars.

I make three bucks
for serving a martini.

You put your lips on the mouth of
a dead guy and bring him back to life.

That's gotta be worth
at least a five spot.

I should be getting back to James.

There's no rush. A nurse is up there
right now getting some blood from him.

I'm sorry! It's never taken me
12 pokes to find a vein.

Got it!

I should've brought my laptop.
I could've gotten so much work done.

You can bartend on-line?

I work to pay for grad school.

I'm getting my master's
in political science.

I love politics! Ask me anything.

What are you doing?!
You don't know anything about politics!

Unless she asks about Bush
or the bald assistant president.

Did you know only 17?% of people

under the age of 25 voted last year?

You can vote if you're under 25?

The only thing you can take solace in

is a girl like her would probably
never be interested in you.

I can't believe a cute guy
like you doesn't have a girlfriend.

If I was single, I'd snatch you up.

Would you like to play
a game of hangman?

As I sat there letting
my interns do all my work,

I wondered if there
was a parallel universe

where another J.D.
And Kylie could be together

because there's no Hippocratic oath
on planet Glornack Seven.

- Are you on Glornack Seven?
- Why are you so happy?

I just did an exchange transfusion
on my malaria patient in there,

and he just woke up from his coma.

Well, he woke up to a world of bad
boyfriends, oaths, and gonorrhoea.

He did. You know why?

Because I broke the rules and ignored
what Dr Kelso wanted me to do.

Sometimes you have to break the rules.

Elliot's patient waking up
was a clear sign.

Mr Cheng is crashing.

Signs be damned! I'm telling her.

Kylie! Kylie!

You can't tell her!
They won't let you be a doctor!

I'd make more money bartending!

Turk, if we leave right now, I might
be awake for sex tonight. Get my coat.

You owe me.

Baby, so I didn't know which one
was yours, so I grabbed all of them.

Just give me a second. I need to talk
to Elliot, and then I gotta clock out.

And then we have sex?
Then we have sex, OK.

I really thought he had a shot.

Well, the family's downstairs
whenever you're ready to talk to them.

Go ahead. Call me
sweetheart and tell me

I'm a pathetic excuse for a doctor.

You made a bold decision
and it bit you in the keister.

Yeah.

I don't like people disagreeing with me.

There's not another resident here
who has the guts to do it.

I feel so guilty about Mr Cheng.

Could you at least just make fun
of my bangs or something?

Take it from a colleague,

Telling that family what happened
after getting their hopes up

is going to be far worse
than any shot I can take

at that John Denver
haircut you're sporting.

Did... Did you just
call me a colleague?

I did. But I hate my colleagues.

What the hell are you doing?

I get to have sex.

I hate this place.

I get to have sex tonight!

- Hey, Kylie, there you are.
- Hey, J.D.

This is your moment! Grab it!

Listen, Kylie... Out loud,
you idiot! Out loud!

I wanted to thank you
for being such a great doctor.

And there it was.
Great doctors don't break oaths.

Thanks again for everything.

Someone once said
the bad guys always win.

Sometimes the bad guy
is a jerk boyfriend.

It's finally here...

the long-awaited showdown
between Shaq and Kobe.

Sometimes the bad guy
is the man you've been battling

for as long as you can remember.

Hey, Perry! 98-97 Lakers. Kobe dunked
over Shaq for the game winner.

Don't ever mess with my treadmill.

Is this homemade gravy?

And sometimes the bad guy is a disease
that you didn't stand a chance against.

But you said he could get better.

I'm so sorry.

I guess all you can do is come back
to work the next morning

and hope that being a good guy pays off.

What are you doing here?

My girlfriend Tamyra from the club,

she's also feeling a little sick,
and you'll never guess what she has.

Gonorrhoea!

I mean... gonorrhoea.

Kylie, I wanted to tell you so badly,
but, you know, it's against the rules.

You can tell me now.

Your boyfriend's a jerk.

He's not my boyfriend.