Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 16 - My Quarantine - full transcript

Before I settled on the outfit
for my first date with Kylie,

I had to run it by the experts.

So be honest but not too honest,
cos I'm feeling a little chunky.

- We like it.
- Oh, thank God.

I swore I heard the word jowly.

So... how many outfits did you
try on before you picked that one?

Not too many.

On a first date,
I could see what a guy was wearing

and know how far he would get.

- Me too. That guy is getting boobies.
- Yeah, he is.

That guy's getting a hug at the door.



And that guy is getting a fake name
and a phone number with six digits.

- I know this looks ridiculous.
- I don't think you do.

The entire ensemble works.
The jacket never comes off.

Carla, I need keys
to the Mini convertible.

She can't get on my scooter.

- The top won't go up.
- It'll be awesome.

Sorry about your hair.

Don't beat yourself up.
I got a scrunchie.

There!

What the hell was that?

It's a poor little possum!
We should take him to the vet.

It was Sophie's Choice,
either leave the possum there to die

or wrap it up in my sports coat

and reveal the short-sleeved
nerd jersey lurking beneath.



Careful. His hoof is
bleeding on the gear shift.

Sorry.

This thing's dead. That'll be $120.

One hundred twenty dollars
for a stupid dead rat?

It's so sweet that you're depressed
about that poor little possum.

I'll always remember him.

Little Carlton.
I named him after my uncle.

He had red eyes.

Allergic to preserves, but he
spread them on everything, you know?

We only lost a half hour.
We can still make that reservation.

There's possums everywhere!

No, no, no. It's just a box.

A talking box.

I think your shirt stopped the bleeding.

Great!

- Happy birthday, Laverne.
- Thanks, Carla.

- Did your brother make you face cake?
- Sure did!

- Wow!
- Can I have a piece of that face cake?

I heard there was face cake.

Back off!

I'm saving this for my party tonight.

Outstanding.

Nurse, do me a favour, please.
Bandage this gentleman up?

They sensed my first date
wasn't going perfectly.

Though I could smell face cake
in the air, it was about to get worse.

- Dr Dorkian, I presume?
- The ex-girlfriend from hell.

Get out! Get out before she sprays her
toxic stink over your new relationship.

Danni, love to stay and talk, but I'm
giving Kylie here a tour of the ICU.

You were going to take me
back to the underpass!

After the tour!
What is it with you and the underpass?

She's your nightmare sister.
You take her to dinner.

I spent the day with her.
She stole a sweater.

So what? You're the one wearing it.
Now, let's go eat.

I've had nothing all day
except vodka and olives.

Thanks for the shirt, Lonnie.

Are you doing this
because I forgot to shave?

Lord! That's a one-day moustache?

No, Lonnie.

It's so great, because the residents
are practically our slaves.

I just said slaves
to my new black girlfriend!

Unfreeze, J.D., it's over.

So... what's wrong with this guy?

Well, let's see.

"Fatigue, fever, malaise".

- Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
- Yeah.

And then I said something stupid.

Could be SARS.

I forgot that if any
doctor suspects SARS,

it's cause for immediate
quarantine lockdown.

What have you done, Newbie?

Quarantinis, anyone?

Mr Donaldson hasn't
been to Hong Kong in 20 years,

so I bet my one remaining testicle
no one has SARS.

Unfortunately, by hospital policy,
we have to stay locked down

until the labs come back,
and that will take several hours.

Hang in there,
don't forget this is Dr Dorian's fault.

Kylie, angry mob. Angry mob, Kylie.

Hey.

SARS sucks.

OK. You can direct any technical
questions to my former sister-in-law.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Otherwise, bear in mind
that we are short-handed.

- There are only four doctors here.
- I counted more than that.

I'm talking legitimate doctors,
turtle head.

Pee Pants is a pathologist,
he doesn't count.

Johnson is a dermatologist,
Greek for "fake doctor",

and please don't even
get me started on you four surgeons.

There's only two of us.

You are so very useless,
I counted you both twice.

Yeah, you did.

Be honest. Is this the worst
first date you've ever been on?

I don't know.
I think it's kind of exciting,

being in a hospital,
getting to see you in action.

- I wish I could be your assistant.
- Say no more.

- Lonnie, shirt.
- No!

Don't make me say pants. I'll do it.

Still tanning, I see.

- He's your bitch, isn't he?
- Yeah.

That is so cute! I'll go change.

- It looks like she's having fun.
- It's a front. She's miserable.

The highlight was putting a possum
to sleep. That's not a euphemism.

J.D., seeing a young doctor do his job
is an amazing turn-on for a girl.

My dad's a doctor.

I remember how excited I was the first
time I saw him work at the hospital.

I didn't want to sleep with him, but
there were some complicated feelings.

But that's totally normal
for an 11 -year-old, right?

Anyway, yeah...

I forgot...

- So, what first, doctor?
- Well, you need a chart.

Lonnie, chart!

You look ridiculous.

Except for that glorious moustache.

Hey, grouchy pants, want to hang out?

Does "hang out" mean choke you?

Hey, Danni, what's shaking?

Turk and Carla's wedding, we made out.

- So did we.
- Was it at the same time?

I have a habit of doing that
at people's weddings.

Leaving. Good show, fellows.

Wait for me, Per-Per!

Smooth manoeuvre, Hoover.
You scared her off.

You were the one
who was embarrassingly forward!

I'm bored. I'm a surgeon,
and there's no surgery.

Why do you think I brought you in here?

We're short.
He needs his bedsores redressed.

That's nurse stuff.
I don't have the expertise.

- Turk, any idiot can be a nurse.
- I know. I just think...

I knew you thought that. I knew it!

You tricked me.

- Say she's mine, Murphy!
- Not till you kill me!

Only thing I detest more
than treating patients

is treating them on an empty stomach.
I'm famished.

- We've been here for eight minutes.
- I haven't eaten today.

I was starving myself.
I was going to a steakhouse tonight.

It was gonna be me, a 24-ounce
porterhouse, and lots of blood thinners.

That's an incredibly boring story
with a fantastic...

...finish!

Five bucks says you can't do that twice.

You're on.

Double or nothing.

So how's it going with Kylie?

There was nothing exciting going on.

This sucks. I need to look like a stud.
I can't unless I save somebody's life.

- I need someone to have a heart attack.
- Got 20 bucks?

So, Nurse Ghandirilla,
I need you to suction this guy,

do a wet-to-dry dressing change,
and go ahead and top him off

with a special sponge bath, happy
ending optional. His choice, not yours.

- The guy's in a coma.
- Not all of him.

- Not here. Not here. Not here.
- Danni!

- Hi!
- Oh, good! You're here.

Since we're amigos now,
could you do me a solid?

This bald, sad clown
isn't really much of a nurse,

so could you go ahead
and keep an eye on him for me?

Yeah, sure. I'd love to.

- Hey, didn't I go to your wedding?
- Yeah. You threw up on my gram-gram.

Hey! You can't get inside my head.

Hey, mentally strong!

You can't smoke in here.

I don't see any signs.

So how much does he owe me, Barbarino?

Six hundred, so far.

Damn it, man.
You cannot afford this. Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Come on, Steve. Stay with me, buddy!

You're not getting this one yet, Lord!

- Could you make your face a bit redder?
- I want more money.

- What?
- Fifty bucks, or I tell her.

- I don't have it!
- Get it!

Elliot,
I need another doctor here, stat!

- Give me $30.
- I gave you 20. I'm tapped!

Ask Johnson. He's loaded.

I need a dermatologist over here, stat!

Oh, yeah! Time to shine.

What do you need? Is it a rash?

I paid him to fake a heart attack.
He wants 50 bucks. We only have 20.

You know, I feel like you guys
just use me for my money.

You have a trust fund!
Now give me the money!

- Clear!
- I'm alive!

J.D., one. Lord, zero.

Just like that, love was in the air.

It was as if our first date got others
talking about some of theirs.

I had a first date
where we played paintball.

All he did the whole time
was shoot me in the face.

After two years with that guy,
I'm like, "That's enough!" You know?

First dates, huh?
Somebody give me 700 bucks.

I went out with a girl.
She was the worst first date.

I take her for a romantic ferry ride,
and I decide to take it out...

OK. Your turn is done.

The worst one I had was with a guy who
took me to a dumpy pizza parlour, right?

You know what? Really don't
want to hear about this one. OK!

She didn't like the pizza I ordered
because it had anchovies. Believe that?

- It had anchovies.
- And pineapples.

And pineapples?

- And red peppers.
- And green peppers.

- Wait... Red peppers.
- No!

I heard the pain in my best friend's
voice, and felt how little I cared.

By the way Kylie was looking at me,
I knew she thought I was sexy.

You know something?

Seeing you in your element today,
you seem so...

Here it comes... sexy.

Genuine.

She would have said sexy
if I had a moustache.

You know, James lied all the time,
and I don't know...

It's just nice to be
with a guy I can trust.

Cool.

Oh, no.

I don't deserve this.

I'm no better than her ex-boyfriend.
I paid a hobo to fake a heart attack.

So you just tell her the truth, she's
mad for a while, then forgives you.

I see what you're saying.
There's no downside. Kylie...

...you dated the devil.
- Turk.

- And you lied to me.
- No!

You never asked if I dated Dr Cox.
You can ask me anything.

- I would never lie to you.
- Do you sometimes wish I had hair?

- Yes.
- This is a nightmare.

- I'm standing in a nightmare.
- Maybe I'm guilty of a lie of omission.

- Cos you're a lie omitter!
- This may be asking too much,

but could you keep it together
until we get home and talk about it?

- Fine.
- Thank you.

Carla, I like your hair that way.

Laverne...

...I bet you're tempted
to break open that face cake

and just tear it apart.

No one's touching this.

Oh, I don't care. I'm not even hungry.

Dr Kelso, I don't have $ 700.

That sounded like the word "cake".

You get me that damn face cake,
and you are free and clear.

- Hi, Glenn.
- Hey.

- I'm Glenn.
- I'm Glenn!

Look, let's not go down
that road again. Come on.

Shake.

OK, it's time to come clean.

I brought you here
because I want to tell you...

Say I'm Glenn!

That's peculiar.

- What I really wanted to say was...
- J.D., J. D! Look at me!

That's the kind of girl
my ex-boyfriend would have dated.

I barely know her.

The lies begin again.

I would never sleep with her.

That's it.
You're stronger than this. No lies!

I race motorcycles.

Excuse me.

- What are you doing?
- I need more cash.

- For what?
- I'm putting DSL in my box.

Fine! But know this:

You've been nothing but a disappointment
to me since the moment I ran over you.

- Hey, baby.
- Keep it together.

Do you remember
that quarantine we had seven years ago?

It was just you and me, all alone,
late at night, here in the ICU?

- That's it!
- Turk!

You had to do that?

Come on. If he wasn't jealous,
it wouldn't be a big deal.

Give him a break! What if Jordan
had a history with somebody?

Oh, fair enough. Hey, everyone,

in the brief 18 months
that Jordan and I weren't together,

how many of you had your way with her?

Bear in mind, I need absolute
honesty here or I will brain you.

Anyway, whoever taught Jordan
that reverse cowgirl position...

...it was long overdue, but thank you.
- You're welcome.

You're a freak.

Who ate my face fake?

He did.

$ 700.

Wow, he is really out.

A mild sedative fell into his juice box.

J.D., I know why
you're lying about everything.

You don't think you're good enough.
You've always been insecure,

even though you're this funny,
weird, amazing guy.

I mean, that's why
I fell in love with you,

and I'm betting if you just act
like yourself, Kylie will too.

Thanks, Elliot. Really.

But that's a load of crap. Nobody
is themselves when they start dating.

Dating is acting
like somebody you're not

until they like you enough
to show them who you are.

- No, it's not.
- What do you call that bra

- you wore for your date?
- The miracle lift super push-up bra.

Not everyone's as insecure as me.

Carla, when you first dated Turk,

- did you say you loved basketball?
- Yeah.

- How many have you watched?
- One.

But only because he made me choose
between basketball or having sex.

Exactly. When I get out of here,
I'll treat her better than anyone has.

I just gotta make it through tonight.

Keep an eye on the bum's vitals. I gave
him enough sedative to put down a rhino.

I don't understand why Carla
didn't tell me about you guys.

Maybe because
she's really in love with me,

and we injected you with diabetes to
very slowly get you out of the picture.

Or maybe it's
because I really liked her,

but she didn't feel the same way
about me, and I got the forehead kiss

after spending 90 dollars
on theatre tickets.

Or maybe,
and this is a huge outside maybe,

maybe she knows you're
the kind of person who freaks out

over irrelevant things from the past.

Personally, I hope it's all three.

They say all horrible things
eventually come to an end.

The lab results are back,
and there is no SARS.

The quarantine is over.
So, bye-bye, everyone.

That looks like my neck!

Oh, this does not end well for you.
Thanks for the heads-up, jumpsuit.

You are going to pay
every cent of that $ 700.

Double or nothing!

We're even. Good night, sir.

Dr. Kelso made me realize
that lies come back to haunt you,

even little ones about cake.

Even a lie of omission
shook the foundation of a couple

that was much more established
than Kylie and me.

I knew I couldn't
let her go out that door.

- Let's go.
- Kylie, wait.

I paid Steve 50 bucks
and an IOU for another 120

to fake a heart attack.

- I really wanted tonight to go well.
- Is there anything else?

Adios, assface.

I had sex with her a lot.

- Why are you telling me this?
- If I don't come clean,

whether it's a few weeks
or months or years from now,

I know it will come back to haunt me,
ruin us, I don't want that.

I'm not looking for a project.

Yeah. I understand.

So get it together.

Now let's go get some coffee.

Wait. You know, if we leave like that,
that's how you'll remember tonight.

- I don't want that.
- So, what do you want to do?