Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 4, Episode 14 - My Lucky Charm - full transcript

Being a great doctor isn't just
about medical knowledge.

It's also about people skills.

Wow. That is the worst
broken nose I have ever seen.

- I'm here because I stepped on a nail.
- Of course.

What, are you walking on your nose?

Unfortunately, you're gonna
have to wait a little bit longer

because we admit people
by severity of condition.

That was mortifying.

My face!

You know, with the face burns, we could
probably admit you now. Laverne?

My me-time hand!



Friday there's a chamber orchestra
playing in the courtyard of the museum.

- You wanna go?
- I love Pachelbel.

Carla and Elliot were in their ritual of
making plans they would never keep.

We should have dinner beforehand.

Since Turk knew
these were fake plans,

he used the opportunity to score
bonus points with his wife.

Classic husbanding.

Baby. Forget dinner. I'll make you
a homemade picnic basket.

I married an amazing man.

You sure did. You know what?
I've got an even better idea.

Maybe J.D. And I could both come, right?

We'll wear sport coats
and you guys, beautiful dresses.

Oh, my God, I love that idea.

I love it. It's awesome. It's awesome.



To be perfectly honest, so did I.

I never get an opportunity
to wear my houndstooth sports coat.

Unlike Elliot and Carla, when Turk
and I made plans, we kept them.

- It's 10.00. You ready?
- Let's do it.

But lately for us, our plans rarely
involved leaving the apartment.

I wasn't too excited
about taking over this spot

after you sat in it for 20 minutes.

But I gotta tell ya, it's warm
in all the right places.

- How do you like what I left you?
- Man, your ass indentation is so deep.

It's like I'm sitting
in a giant inner tube.

As Turk and I recuperated
from our big chair swap,

I wondered what other couples
were doing tonight.

Did I just refer to Turk
and I as a couple?

My point is, I'm sure other
couples were out having fun.

You look so hot.

- When's the last time we kissed?
- About a month ago.

- When was the last time we had sex?
- Yesterday.

What do you say we head
into the bathroom

and lower the health code rating
from an "A" to a "B"?

What do you say?

I guess some people figure,
what's the worst that can happen?

Well?

It's blue. I'm not pregnant.

You know what's weird?
I'm relieved.

I just feel kind of sad because
I think about how beautiful our son is,

and I kind of wish it had gone
the other way, you know?

Sweetie?

She's not pregnant!

It came out blue! It's blue!

She's not pregnant!

It's blue!

It came out blue!

The epi isn't working.
I still don't have a rhythm.

Transcutaneous pacer isn't capturing.

Pupils are fixed and dilated.
I'm calling it.

Time of death, 9.17.

I always thought that when I died,

I'd see a bright light
or float above the ground.

It turns out death is pretty mundane.

I guess sometimes
the end is just the end.

For the last time, Jerry,
you're not dead, OK?

Now, go back to your room.

Jerry has Cotard's,
or walking corpse syndrome.

The guy thinks he's dead
even though he's walking around.

I think I'll try to ask Turk
something telepathically.

You wanna do
something tonight?

Dude, yeah. Let's hang out and watch
some TV. We got any beer?

I used the last of it
to make our party ice.

If I accidentally put beer cubes
in my orange juice again,

there's gonna be trouble.
I almost got a DUI.

Dr Mickhead was wondering
if you would cover his patient.

The guy was in a bar fight
and has been unconscious.

He was brought in by
a brother from Ireland.

You mean an Irish brother
or an Irish brother?

Top of the mizzle to you, me lizzles.

I mean his sibling.

Man.

And you must be the Irish brother.

No, sir. Ron Peterson,
Ohio born and bred.

Yep. Red-stater and proud of it.

Oh, sorry. We...

Only taking the piss outta ya.
Billy Callahan.

Had you going with
the American accent, didn't I?

Do us a favour.

Any chance I could get
one of these filled with Guinness?

I have an awful hangover.

We had a late night. I'm a bit shaky.
Is there any chance?

Probably not.
We don't usually do that.

No? OK.

I'm so bummed. I can't go see
the chamber orchestra tonight.

I forgot I have my Cantonese class.
I would totally call and cancel,

but all I know how to say is,
"I'm allergic to peanuts."

Elliot, I was really
looking forward to this.

Really? About five seconds ago,

you were giddy about going home
and taking a bath tonight.

Why would you do that to me?

New thing. I'm busting chops.

So, you just forgot we even had plans?

You were flaking on them anyway.

I wasn't. I have my Cantonese class.

But do you? Do you really?

Busting chops.

At least I remembered the plans
well enough to flake on them!

Well, if I knew
you were going to flake on them,

I would've never made plans

to forget in the first place,
cos you...

She's gone, Carla. It's over.

Where have you been
for the last few days?

- Fishing.
- You hate fishing.

- With buddies.
- You don't have buddies.

We landed a 200-pound
white marlin off the coast of San Diego.

Interesting. That's 3,000 miles
from the habitat of the white marlin.

Perhaps it hopped
a train from Cape Cod.

- Why?
- I'm busting chops today.

- It's true.
- See?

What did you do,
and why are you limping?

- Perry.
- I got a vasectomy. Do not tell Jordan.

Welcome back, fisherman!

Oh, honey, how I missed you.

- Hi!
- Hi!

- Billy, just say it.
- For the last time, lads, no.

Perhaps you're not really Irish.

Fine!

Pink hearts, yellow moons,

orange stars, green clovers.

See, I told you.

- Yeah, he's Irish.
- Yeah, he is. Yeah, he is.

How long you two seeing each other?

Oh, no, man, we're just living together.
Not like living together.

I mean like living together.

Hey, that is a cool tattoo, my brother.

Snuck onto a plane. Thought I was
going to Belgium, ended up in Kenya.

I hung out with this tribe.

When the males go through adolescence
they get this tattoo. It means "alias."

Oh. Why "alias"?

- It's their favourite show.
- Oh.

I'm only kidding.

- Jennifer Garner.
- Oh. Obviously.

Enough about me. What about you lads?
Saving lives here all day every day.

Out at night, giving it a lash,
tearing it up. You do go out at night?

Do you have any sevens?

Turk.

You have lots of sevens.

We tear it.

And sometimes lash.
But the hours we work, it's...

It's less tearing and more folding.
Gently folding.

You'll sleep when you're dead.

Get out in the streets,
talk to a stranger.

Drink a beer with breakfast.
Take the ugliest girl home at the party.

Done it! Done that. That one I've done.

Go travelling to Texas. Line dance with
women that wish they weren't married.

You never know what life will put
in your lap when you open your arms.

Be surprised what will fall in your lap
when you open up and...

- Dude.
- Elliot!

He said my eyes looked like the Irish
countryside after a soft rain.

I should go.

That happened very quickly.

Don't even sweat it. It's Elliot.
She's desperate.

Dude.

- Baby!
- What?!

What? I wasn't gonna do anything.
He said my hair was curly.

Your hair is curly.

- Baby!
- OK.

What did you do around
the apartment while I was gone?

I turned your office
into my pyjama closet.

I threw out everything
in the refrigerator

that had the word "jerky"
or "whiz" on it.

I got rid of all your clothes
that make you look like you're 20.

Don't worry,
I saved your hockey jerseys,

although I did move them
into my new pyjama closet.

And for some reason
none of the remotes work anymore.

And why are you limping?

Fishing.

I'm limping from fishing.

- I know that limp.
- No, Bob. Bob, no.

You just got a vasectomy.

I had mine done back in '68.

Ironically, that was the same year
that Enid discovered pasta

and I discovered I'm not attracted
to enormous women.

I didn't just get a vasectomy.

Come on, soldier.

If I have to force you
to drop your pants, I will.

So tell Bobbo,

was it a hard decision
for the two of you to make?

Snip it, doc. Snip it hard.

Yeah, we... We really struggled with it.

I don't really care.

All right, love.

Why are you waving? You're married.

So what, married people can't wave now?

They can wave like this...

but you can't wave like this...

What plans of ours did you flake on
to go to that waving seminar?

Oh, why are you asking me?
Did you forget? You big plan-forgetter.

I don't need to go to a waving seminar

to know that this wave is known

as "I am a married woman
whose self-esteem has plummeted

because nobody looks at me anymore,
so I'm acting like a desperate hussy."

Oh, snap.

Did you just call me a hussy?

Desperate hussy.

Ladies! Ladies, stop!

Continue.

So, Billy, we're gonna need to get
your brother's insurance information.

He's not me brother. I only met
the fella last night, God bless him.

In life, we often make
assumptions that aren't true.

Whether it's assuming you know
how someone's gonna react...

OK. Let me have it.

Whatever makes you happy, sweetie.

I'll see you at home.

Or assuming a little girl from
Connecticut would never fight dirty.

I'm going in!

Most assumptions could be avoided

if you asked
a simple question in the first place.

If you're not his brother, who are you?

Me? I'm the bloke that hit him.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

It was an accident.
He threw the first punch.

Then I hit him,
he slipped, hit his head.

Where I come from,
you knock someone unconscious,

you stay around,
you make sure they're OK.

Right? So guess what?
I won't be leaving.

You'll have to deal
with me and my partner.

I mean, like my partner,
not like my partner.

Can I talk to you outside for a second?

How you doing?

Not great, actually. I'm dead.

Bummer. How long?

Four years next month.

Jeez, that's a nightmare.

I was dead once, for about ten minutes.

Then me mate Danny peed on me head.

- Really?
- It's quite a sight to wake up to.

Heard you guys were fighting.

We made up.

No, they didn't. Chop-busting.

And doc-dusting.

Elliot, you don't look too banged up
about it. You got your arm around Carla.

My hand is stuck in this rat's nest
that she calls hair.

Dye-job.

Got it. But Chopstick, you gonna
have to buy a new watch.

Carla, you may want
to borrow some of my spray-on hair.

Baby!

No, forget them.
We have to deal with Billy.

Should we call the cops on this guy?

I don't know. He seems cool.

He put a guy in the hospital. That's
a felony. We're supposed to report him.

Are you trying to convince me
to do something you already did?

This is a decision we both need to make,

together, as a team, as a unit.

All right, fine, let's call the cops.

- Thank God.
- Hello, gentlemen.

We got a call about a felony
from a Dr Turk.

"Turk" is easier to hear over the phone.

"Dorian" isn't hard
to hear over the phone,

but I didn't want to
talk about it with Turk.

When you have a problem with someone,

you tend to talk
to everyone except them.

I went behind Jordan's back and got
my junk rewired. She was sweet to me.

Sweet, Bobbo.

What the hell do you make of that?

Carla thinks she's so tough.
She's been around the block.

She's from the block.
Enough about the block!

It's not my fault my
family had an orchard.

For four years I've had to listen
to Elliot complain.

"My parents are too rich."
"I slept with J.D. Again."

"Why can't I gain any weight?"

I got problems of my own.
I'm from the block.

I wanted to help her.
I wish she could've heard me.

OK, Jerry, you're out.
Laverne? Can I talk to you?

Perry, believe me when I say
I'm proud to welcome you

to what I like to call the seedless
grapes club. But still...

I have just one obvious,
and hopefully chop-busting question...

Why the hell are you talking
to me about this?

I guess I should be talking to her.

Jordan, why aren't you more
upset about this? I don't get it.

You'd go to your mother's
for a bitch refresher course

and then you'd come back here,
swinging for the fences.

I'd love to chat,
but if we're late for ballet,

Jack won't get a spot by the bathroom
and he'll pee in his tights.

I'm sorry, my son is taking...
is taking ballet?

Jordan, he's already got an overbearing
mother and a fairly prominent lisp.

If we stick him in the tights,
we might as well

just get him a time share
on Fire Island.

I haven't decided
if I'm gonna make him gay yet.

I see what this is.

This is the payback, huh?

I didn't freak out because you
and I are two independent people

in a relationship
and we don't always share our feelings.

I didn't get angry
because I'm not surprised.

Let's go ballet.

Do I wish it were different?
Sometimes.

But whatever you and I have is working,
so I guess I just have to live with it.

Bye, Daddy.

- So how you feeling down there?
- Oh, great. Great.

Reverse it.

See ya, lads.

Man.

I know we feel guilty,
OK, but it's over.

It's not like there's gonna
be any ramifications.

You have one day to come up
with another gorgeous Irishman.

One day. What?

The Todd appreciates hot,
regardless of gender.

I'm glad Billy's gone.
He was such a jerk.

He kept calling me Bonnie.

Bonnie means pretty.

My God,
I will never love like that again.

You know I wasn't really mad
about Billy or the whole flaking thing.

I remember hugging you
the day of my wedding.

Even though the other two
bridesmaids were my sisters,

I felt closer to you.

When did we stop being best friends?

It feels like it took us
so long to get to that point

and it's gone away so quickly.

It's my fault. I've been
burying myself in being married.

It was your first year. I should've been
the one to make the extra effort.

- So, what now?
- We try harder.

All right.

Who taught you how to fight like that?

When you grow up on an orchard,
you don't have much choice.

Apple thieves.

- What the hell happened to you?
- I got them to reverse the vasectomy.

What an incredibly normal thing to do.

Jordan, let me talk for a second.

I've been trained for many years
to take any emotion I feel,

push it down, and then let it out
by drinking way too much

and by yelling at the football players
on my TV screen.

And I really thought I hit the jackpot
when I finally met a woman

who was as disturbed
and closed off as I am.

Thank you.

You're welcome.
Still, now I want more.

I really do.
I want to talk about things.

Not everything.
I don't want to talk about everything.

I don't need to know when you
beat up a woman in the park

because her purse
is the same colour as yours,

but things that matter.

Things that are important to us
as a family.

And I know... I know that there
are guys who bring flowers

and there are guys
who write love songs.

But I'm a guy
sitting in front of you here

with a twice-operated-on penis
that says I want to be a couple

that communicates more openly.

What kind of guy writes love songs?

Guys whose mothers make them
go to ballet class.

Fair enough.

- You know how much I love you.
- I love you too.

Now that we're being
all open and honest...

- Yeah.
- I do not want to have any more kids.

- I think you should get the vasectomy.
- Fantastic.

My partner and I... Yeah, I said it...

We had heard that Billy was back
and he was mad.

- I warned you!
- What the hell happened?

- I popped him again.
- Are you serious?

You think scaring people's funny?
Well, good, cos you're dying.

- John Dorian, you are a doctor.
- He started it.

Sorry about your face.

I threw the first punch.
It was my fault.

Right, then, I'm off.

Supposed to be in Florence
by midnight.

How are you gonna do that?

Her apartment's two blocks away.
Should be no problem at all.

Hey, we're sorry about
the whole incarceration thing.

No worries. Life's too short
to hold a grudge.

You might wanna ask yourselves

why you didn't have the decency
to talk to me first.

But I shall let you two "partners"
figure that out.

By the way, you're a gorgeous couple.
Good luck to you.

See you, lads!

When I was alive,
I wish I had lived one day

like he lives every day of his life.

Dead people don't talk, Jerry.

We weren't really mad at Jerry.

What we realised was that
we were jealous of Billy

because he was out living life
and Turk and I weren't.

I guess it's important
not to take life for granted.

Whether it's appreciating
your relationships...

- Let's go for the hat trick, doc.
- Are you sure?

Hey, doc, zip it, grip it,
and snip it!

Or renewing your friendships.

I almost peed.

For Turk and I, it was important to just
get out and start living life, period.

Buddy, it is almost 1.00 in the morning,
and we have to be at work at 5.00.

I know, but how often do we do this?

You're absolutely right. Come on.

Do you have any twos?

No. Go fish, please.

Do you have any Ks?

Please go fish.