Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 8 - My Friend the Doctor - full transcript

Relationships can be defined
by how long they are...

I'm late, I don't have time to eat.

- A few weeks...
- Do you wanna have sex?

Yes.

- ... or three years.
- Baby?

What about getting
pregnant right after the wedding?

See ya.

You can't ask a guy
that while he's driving.

My bad.

Yes, it was your bad, Carla.

... or whether you've been together
for more than five years.



Why don't we ever have sex?

I find it a little hard to feel sexy

since I passed a human being
out of my body six months ago.

I had ringside seats to that bloodbath.
It hadn't affected my sex drive.

No, you asked the lactation nurse if
she needed help getting things started.

Right.

A lot of men would be happy
just to have a baby.

- You're on the pill, right?
- Yes! Please just drop it.

OK. You know you've gotta take it
the same time every day? Right.

I went to Europe for a month
and forgot to take my pills.

- I took 30 the day I got home.
- What happened?

Elliot! Your homecoming date is here!

Stall him!

Nothing.



Todd, you must sample one of these
tea buns my mum sent over from Sussex.

Up high two times. Once for "buns,"
once for the 'sex' part of "Sussex."

- Come on!
- An American high five!

- How perfectly vulgar.
- Yeah.

The Janitor's pretending to be British.

You mean Klaus, the German guy?

Thanks.

- That means "nice hair cut".
- No, it doesn't.

Mind your own beeswax.

I guess around here,
you have to be prepared for anything.

Britishy.

Especially when a patient
needs emergency surgery.

Where's Dr Wen?
This patient's ready to go.

He got in a car accident,
so he can't make it.

Don't you play with me,
I will find you.

Relax, Dr DiStefano is on call.

Thank God.
We just dodged a bullet because...

I am nowhere near ready
to perform this procedure solo.

I'd have been terrified,
you'd have sensed it.

It would've been horrible
for all of us.

Dr DiStefano is stuck in surgery.
It's all on you, Dr Turk.

Piece of cake. Who's with me?

Come on!

News of Turk's successful surgery
had spread quickly.

He was the stud of the hospital.

Who's the black surgeon that
just repaired an artery like a pro?

Turk!

That's right, baby

Who is the doc that won't cop out
when no attendings are about?

Turk!

Right on

- Turk!
- What?

You must be dancing
on the wind right now.

That sounded straighter in my head.

Today, I had to sink or swim
all on my own and guess what?

- A brother swam.
- That is so fabulous.

What is wrong with me today?

Dr Wen, I was scared
when you didn't show up,

but your car accident was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

My wife broke both her legs.

Still.

Maybe it's Buddha's way of
telling her to slow down a little.

I hope you haven't eaten yet

because I'm about to force feed you
a can of my homemade Whup-Ass.

Miguel doesn't speak English, baby.

Thanks, sweetness.

Hey, Gandhi. Just because you broke out
your Fisher Price surgery set,

and managed to not kill somebody,
doesn't mean you're queen of the world.

- You can do better, old man?
- Watch and learn.

How's that taste? Is it delicious?

Oh, Lord. My back.

- Are you OK?
- Come on.

I'm posing so your boyfriend
can get a picture of me

for his "People Who Make Me Feel
Like A Little Girl" scrapbook.

Let's go.

Oh, God.

You know, Nigel, I'm 25% British.

Really? I'm 100% not interested.

Classic Nigel!

I've been asking around and you're
known as one of three people.

Nigel the Brit, Klaus the dim-witted
German... Yes, I said dim-witted.

Or a simple, good-natured
stutterer named Efram.

Am I the only one
that knows the real you?

Who says this is the real me?
Perhaps this is.

- Or this.
- Hey, Klaus.

How come Hamburg and Frankfurt

have nothing to do with
hamburgers or hotdogs?

Why is your Lake Titicaca
not filled with boobs and poop?

- What do you do?
- I work at a hospital.

I'm a resident,
which is like a student.

Not as in dorm rooms, pizza runs
and crazy drunken parties,

which I know still go on in Radiology,
more of a student in the...

Excuse me.
Dude, she's got a boyfriend.

Thanks, man.

Why didn't you tell him
you were a doctor?

I guess I just still don't feel
like a doctor, you know?

That thing with Turk got me thinking.

I've ran codes before but there's
always been someone to bail me out.

I've never had that one, defining,
sink-or-swim moment. Have you?

Yeah, but I didn't like
make a big deal out of it.

I was just made partner at my law firm,
I drive a Beamer, and this is my wife.

This is Mr Booker.
He's alive because of me.

- Thought you said there'd be bitches.
- We just got here. Look around.

We had a fun night until he urinated
all over my rental car.

So your mom made you
pancakes this morning

and you didn't even know that
it was Pancake Day in the cafeteria?

- Get outta here!
- The craziest thing...

I'm serious, Nervous Guy.
Get outta here.

Why won't you admit
you hurt your back?

Carla, come on.

Back injuries are for 80-year-olds
named Norman with pants to here,

nose hairs to here, who start every
sentence with a very elegant...

Oops! You dropped your badge.

Your move, there... Norman.

That's impressive.

- Wanna know what the Janitor did today?
- No, Bambi, you idiot.

The Fugitive. Would you sleep with
Tommy Lee Jones or Harrison Ford?

Harrison Ford hands down.

You were probably talking to Carla.
I'm having such a gay day.

Day?

This Janitor thing
has thrown me for a loop...

We should watch in Turk's room.
He'll keep talking about the Janitor.

I won't, sweetie. Trust me.

Let's go.

What kind of freak spends all day
pretending to be somebody else?

Transit Unit 23. I got a possible
sighting of Richard Kimble, northbound.

Kimble!

Janitor.

I don't want to make any promises

but your cellulitis is resolving.
You'll be out of the woods soon.

Tell me something.
How did an old geezer like me

end up with the prettiest
young doctor in the place?

It's based on when your shift started
and the last patient you've seen...

Sweetheart, I'm just
paying you a compliment.

I have to go.

Thanks for saying I'm pretty.

Oh, yeah. Hello, sweet...

...sweet couch.

I've been thinking about
what you said this morning,

and you're right, we have not
been having enough sex lately.

Turns out, yes... Yes, we have.

We haven't. Tonight we're doing
it the way you always fantasized about.

Laying down in a big tub of ice?

Standing up against the wall, you
holding me up. What do you say, Romeo?

Sometimes the moment you've waited for
comes at the most inopportune time.

Let's do this.

Oh, yeah.

Sometimes the moment comes when you
feel like you've waited your whole life.

You just have to hope that
no one steals your thunder.

If they do, you'll just end up
standing in the corner, watching.

Complete heart block.

Transcutaneous pads, atropine.
Where's the cart?

Elliot.

They're trying to get through.

Start a line.
Hyperventilate. Here we go.

You're not going anywhere.

Dr Dorian, you can't imagine
how grateful we are.

Who's the cool doc you call

When you want to save
your husband Paul?

JD.

It's from Shaft.
How could you guys not get that?

Yeah, that's our Citizen Kane. Anyway,
thanks again. You're a real hero.

Oh, please, I put my pants on
one leg at a time, just like you.

Except after I put my pants on,
I save your husband's life.

Oh, no, he didn't!
Smelliot, what's the happy-hap?

I was in a sex coma.
How'd you sleep?

Great.

Oh, and Perry, I know I asked you
to be more sensitive when we do it,

but I was hoping
you wouldn't curse as much.

I mean, to actually cry during sex,
what's that about?

I guess I just love you so much.

What is wrong? Is it because
I called you Smelliot?

You haven't heard that before?

- I don't care if you call me that.
- She's cool with Smelliot.

He can call you Smelliot
but I can't call you Vagina-face?

Not the same, Todd.

Look, that was my patient. I was
one step behind you and you knew it.

- You stole my moment.
- This is about saving lives.

- When I put my pants...
- I don't want to hear about your pants.

We both know what this is about.

From the second I started dating Sean,
you weren't happy.

I thought that would change,
but I've moved on and...

...you're just acting like you have.

OK. Prepare for a storm-off.

The night we got engaged,
you said you couldn't wait to have kids.

You can't hold that against me.
You were naked.

So I should just disregard
everything you say when I'm naked?

You know that's not actually a bad idea.
We can call it the naked rule.

It should apply retroactively

so... can you get yourself
to the airport next weekend?

Fine.

Gotta love the naked rule.

Say, Carla. You look nice.

You're pathetic.

How's about we skip the insults
and you do something helpful like...

...prop me up, or throw on a skirt?

- You're an actor.
- You're a fireman.

- What are we doing?
- Game over, Klaus.

I saw you in The Fugitive.

Oh, yeah. I was in a Harrison Ford
movie, but I chose this life instead.

It's a little more glamorous.

Hey, champ. There's some vomit
on the back steps with your name on it.

That's my cue. Action!

Cut.

Young lady, would it
brighten your day any if I told you

I thought you were the best damn doctor
in this hospital?

Why couldn't my father
be more like you?

If I had a dollar when I got depressed
and my dad didn't make me feel better...

Actually, he did give me a dollar
every time I got depressed.

By the end of junior high I had $170
and then got mugged and lost it all.

By the end of that night,
I was back up to a dollar.

Why don't you tell me
what's really upsetting you?

Him.

She says I beat her to that code
because I have feelings for her.

I don't think about her that way.

You can't not think about her that way.

- Whatever.
- Think about her right now.

Now think about her and Sean together.

Now think about her and me together.

That's what's up.

Kissing her each time except
the third time you were black?

Yeah.

Let me do it... OK.

You are entering
a new phase in your life.

- Why are you fighting it?
- I'm not. I'm not fighting anything.

So even though you have
a full head of hair,

you take Propecia because
you like the way it tastes?

The other day,
I found a grey hair in my happy trail.

Is that the hair from
your belly button to your peep?

- It is indeed.
- So you have a grey happy trail.

A lot of women find it distinguished.

I have a six month old child.

I'm gonna be one of those weird old guys
who brings my son to the park

where everybody is like,
"Is he the dad? Is he the granddad?"

"Is he the granddad's granddad?
Oh, my God,

why is he pushing
a traffic cone on the swing

while his five-year-old boy
is in the mud crying?"

"Is he taunting the little boy? No."

"He can't even see the little boy.
And now look,

he's putting the traffic cone
in the minivan and driving away,

while the little boy cries
and the traffic cone sits quietly

and watches Finding Nemo on DVD."

For what it's worth, instead of marrying
a long time ago, I'm marrying a guy

who probably won't be ready to have kids
for another ten years.

That'll make me like thirty...

More like forty...

But you know what?

It's OK. Because I couldn't handle
marriage until now.

I knew you when you were younger and
you would have been a horrible dad.

Now, we're both ready.

Do you think that my son will like me?

Oh, God, no.

Dr Reid, I need to get Enid
a birthday present.

- When's her birthday?
- I think it was last week.

Well, a scarf is always nice.

It's perfect. It's simple, it's elegant,
and it'll hide her turkey neck.

- Mr Moran is coding.
- Dr Reid...

Medicine's pretty competitive so I guess
you have to do whatever's right for you.

Go.

Start a central line.
Detach and get the crash cart.

- Have we established an airway?
- It's obstructed.

We need to do an emergency trach,
get the scalpel and trach kit.

Watching Elliot in there,
I couldn't help but be impressed.

- Hurry, faster.
- She was amazing.

Unfortunately, in medicine,
even if you do everything perfectly...

... there are still no guarantees.

Sorry.

Evenin', Guv'nor.

What's up your bum?

You know why I wanted
that to be you in The Fugitive?

It would mean you used to be a guy
who had dreams and ambitions,

and though things didn't work out,
it'd explain why you're the way you are,

and make you human.

Instead, it turns out you're
nothing more than a jerk

who likes to mess with people
for no reason.

Kimble!

You tell anybody, I'll kill you.

Good night, Efram.

Good night, Doctor.

Some people hide
from who they really are.

Baby, Todd and I
are going to the arcade.

I'm going to get some quarters
out your purse.

I'm old.

Others eventually accept who they are.

I'm older. Would you please
get me down to my damn car?

Sure. Let's get
your big Irish ass to your car

so nobody knows you hurt your back.
Let's not worry about my back.

Sometimes it's the tough moments

that help you realise
who you've finally become.

You work in there?

What do you do?

I'm a doctor.
You shouldn't smoke.