Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 7 - My Fifteen Seconds - full transcript

She's awake.
Say something romantic.

Do you think this is a good time to
talk about a nickname for my penis?

I dated this girl in college who
made the decision without consulting me.

All of a sudden, there it was, 18 months
of it being called Little Buddy.

We didn't like that. Not one bit.

- I haven't even had coffee yet.
- You're right. I'm sorry.

Big Al, for example.

Why don't you just tell me a story?
Something romantic.

Once there was a beautiful girl, who met
a stunningly handsome young doctor.

He noticed her right away.
And she noticed him noticing her.

Their first date was amazing.



They had so much fun together,
they felt like kids again.

Then it was time for their first kiss.

And how was that?

Intense.

The next date
didn't start that well either.

But it got better from there.

And that night, well...

It was the most amazing night
the young doctor ever had.

Then what happened?

The young doctor realised he hadn't seen
the girl naked in the light yet.

Damn.

Are you as into this as I am?

If I wasn't crazy about you,
would I be willing to do this?

As I was doing the naked chicken dance
Uncle Bart taught me,



I realised life couldn't get
much better than this.

Just cos Jordan thinks it's cute
you're violating her sister,

doesn't mean you can use my guest room
for your nerdy, G-rated sexcapades.

And oh, my God,

what are you doing with my little boy,
you sick, sick bastard?

My bad.

It's a beautiful shot of you.

Come here...
you filthy, filthy boy.

Filthy girl. Filthy girl.

Are you OK, Little Buddy?

No!

Although Dr Cox got
a look at Little Buddy...

Oh, no, now I'm saying it!

... my day still started off great.

I'm about to set a new
record for projectile vomiting.

Come on, it reminds me
of my sexiest kiss.

Our honeymoon,
standing waist deep in the ocean...

- I think you were in at the bar.
- OK, gotta go.

- Come on.
- Be brilliant today.

I always am.

I hit my head so hard,
I saw cartoon birds.

I was in paediatrics
and it was just the wallpaper.

Stunning. Look, Tammy,
as far as your love life goes,

I couldn't care less who's laying your
quivering body down by the fire,

while your lips whisper, "No, no"
but your eyes scream, "Yes! Yes!"

"Oh, big daddy, yes!"

But when you're dating
Jordan's sissy-poo,

it forces me to spend time with you
outside hospital,

and I just won't have that,
so here's the deal.

Don't wanna have dinner
or go bowling with you

and I never again want to walk
into my kitchen and hear you say,

It's waffle time, it's waffle time

Won't you have some waffles of mine?

Bottom line,
we'll be bestest friends foreverest,

if you just keep your face
out of my face.

- She's my patient.
- Guys, how are you?

I'm great.
You know me, I'm up, up, up,

then some fashion Nazi says pear-shaped
people shouldn't wear stripes

and whoosh, guess who's ear-deep
in mint chocolate chip ice cream?

Me.

If you leave it an hour,
it's like milk shake.

If it's not melted,
it hits you in the face.

- That'd go everywhere.
- Once I got Chunky Monkey in my eye.

- What brings Ms Tracy to us?
- Her landlord found her passed out.

Lucky me, I couldn't pay my rent.

A recent study found doctors spend
15 seconds listening to a patient.

It sounds insensitive, but the truth is,
it's all the time you need.

- How do you feel?
- Awesome.

Ms Tracy.

Headachey and embarrassed
my landlord saw me in granny panties.

We're gonna run some tests
and figure this out.

I'll be here... if you...

Sorry! If that gets infected,
I'm a doctor.

You keep going to the right, so aim
at that guy and you'll hit the board.

- Those two are best friends now.
- I know.

I wonder what it was
that made them so tight.

Elliot!

- What are you doing here?
- Meeting some friends for drinks.

Yes, me too. Friends.

Ponch!

Damn, I still got it.

Wait a second, dude, that was us.

I know.

Greatest night ever!

Yes, Enid, I hear Baxter growling
but the fact is,

you ventured into his side of the house.

Baring his teeth, huh?

OK, now here's what you do.
Are you ready?

Make a sudden move.

Those two!

Sir, we've gotten some complaints

that the discount stethoscopes
you ordered are uncomfortably tight.

I contacted the manufacturer
but apparently, he's decided

to focus more on his hand-made
smoking paraphernalia.

Nonsense. These are fine.

Are you OK...?

Sweet dancing Jehovah,
I've punctured my brain.

Boy oh boy, that's some rock.
When's the big day?

Me? No, never. My fianc? dumped me.

I'm just noticing how beautiful
his mother's ring is.

You know, compared to the fake one
I sent back to him. Oops.

We found organophosphates
in your system.

Have you had any exposure to pesticides?

Pesticides? No,
I don't have any pest problems.

That must be so nice.

- They're just feelings, they'll heal.
- Don't worry, we're on top of this.

Jordan thinks we should
all go to the carnival.

The carnival?

Oh, I can't go to the carnival.
I puke at carnivals. A lot.

- You don't really puke at carnivals.
- I do. But I still love 'em.

Look, I have an even dandier idea.

Why don't you crazy kids
do something on your own?

Look, I'm Jordan's sister.

So as long as I'm in town, you'll be
seeing a lot of these smiling faces.

Smile.

- I waxed my legs at home last night.
- How did that go?

Not great. I can't do it.
I'd rather die hairy.

Mrs Koenings needs help to sleep.
Haloperidol.

It won't put her to sleep.
A Benzo'll knock her right out.

With Benzos, older people
can have a bad reaction.

- Have I ever steered you wrong?
- Who suggested this?

- Smooth.
- Benzo it is.

Hey, what about this one?

Dude, my broccoli is hot.

Please say you mean temperature-wise.
You can't find broccoli sexy.

Oh, yeah, temperature-wise.
And mini-green-boobs-wise.

What's up!

Sir, I wanted to talk to you
about that hernia seminar...

OK, sure. We can totally talk later.

Hey, Dr Kelso.

I don't know if you heard, but Bernice,

the lady who does the PA
announcements, just got hit by a bus.

I was on the speech team at school...

So I was thinking maybe
I could do the announcements.

Just until Bernice
gets back on her... foot.

Splendid.

Dr Cox seems to be having fun.
But I think I know why.

Whack-a-newbie!

Missed me!

Whack-a-newbie!

Missed me!

Whack-a-newbie!

Perry?

- It's over.
- Sorry.

We're gonna eat food and look at the
Fat Lady to make ourselves feel better.

We'll meet you guys on the Ferris wheel,
if your stomach's OK.

It's the back-and-forth-y rides
that get me.

Well, you have done it.
It's Friday night

and instead of drinking whiskey
through my son's sippy cup,

I'm actually at a carnival with you,
surrounded by...

...piles of manure, even though
I've yet to see a single animal.

- That is weird.
- I'll tell you what.

How about we head over there and if you
can raise that hammer above your head

with those chicken bones you call arms,

I'll let you take a free whack
at my dome.

I already raised the hammer.

The only reason I didn't ring the bell
is that the game is obviously rigged.

Good job, Son!

The only positive thing
about this whole situation

is that it's driving you crazy
and there's nothing you can do about it.

- Way to go, Tina!
- Oh, come on!

Dr Tushi, you're needed in the OR.

Nice name, buddy.
Beat up in high school much?

- It's OK.
- What's going on?

She's having a reaction to the Benzo.

There are a lot of ways to get
the upper hand in a relationship.

Oh, I gave the guy half a corndog
so we can all ride foursies.

Just go.

Corndog.

It can happen with a simple request.

Could you take a look at my ears?

It can happen because of a mistake.

Mrs Koenings stabilized,
so DIC the Posey vest.

That's never happened to me
with a Benzo. I think...

What do you think?
Did you think maybe I'm the doctor?

That's what I think so maybe
you should just DIC the vest

and keep your opinion to yourself.

Even when you have the upper hand,
it's important to be careful.

Because some people fight dirty.

You know, Danni, it's amazing that
you're actually comfortable dating JD

what with him having
nailed Jordan and all.

Sorry, folks, little problem here.
Get you down in about an hour or so.

I don't feel so good.

Sometimes the best thing to do
is to say exactly what's in your heart.

I'm sorry I puked on your shoes.

I'm sorry I wore sandals.

Danni, that whole thing with Jordan...
It's so long ago, I don't remember it.

You keep a sex-journal of all
your experiences under your bed.

- Gotta stop showing it to girlfriends.
- You should have told me.

I'm not gonna let it mess things
up with the guy I'm in love with.

Thank God. Do you wanna get
some pineapple pizza?

I think I'll probably just
go inside and wash my feet.

That's robot for "good night".

Peace.

All right, people, listen up. Dr Kelso
has ruptured both his eardrums.

You can say whatever you want as long
as you've got a smile on your face.

You stupid mother...

Thanks for the kind words, gang.

- Yes?
- Carla, I just wanted to apologise.

I'm so glad. I didn't want us
to stay mad at each other.

It's my fault,
I shouldn't have listened to you.

I need to be a strong enough doctor
to ignore you when you won't shut up.

That's so sweet.

All medical personnel, report
to the second floor for a catfight.

Catfight on the second floor.

We sent Hazmat guys to your apartment.
There were no signs of pesticides.

They also said you mixed Art Deco
with Indonesian antiques.

- I think that is so daring.
- Reel it in, Queer Eye.

Thanks. I can't remember the
last time anyone was this nice to me.

Well, you know... We gotta go.

Your little cheap shot didn't land.
Danni isn't mad at me at all.

Hey, baby. Comin' to give Pop-pops
some candy? Cos I'm hungry.

OK, later's fine too.

Oh, yeah. I mean,
I can feel the love all over.

Can you believe Elliot
giving me all that attitude?

Two weeks ago, a nurse
with 20 years' experience

told me I was tying the wrong suture.

- I bet you listened to her.
- I kicked her ass out the OR.

- But you were nice about it?
- No, I made her cry.

The point is, whatever happens
with a patient is on my shoulders.

It's the same with Elliot. That's why
your relationship's complicated.

Outside this hospital,
you're the boss of Elliot.

You're the boss of me
and you're the boss of everyone.

But in this building,
Elliot's in charge.

Am I really the boss
of everybody outside?

Baby, you the boss
of everybody in the world.

Dr Dorian, Dr Turk is free
for his rectal exam.

He said you'd know what that means.

"Dear Dr Cox, it's important
you know how much I care for Danni...

and how hurt I was by your attempt
to sabotage our relationship."

- Isn't it enough that I'm reading it?
- I'm sorry.

Always fun to be in the bathroom
listening to people talk so clearly

you're sure they just heard you pee.
You did, didn't you?

- You start and stop a lot.
- Lovely. Here.

Great news, Ms Tracy.
We're sending you home.

I wish we could've figured out
how that stuff got into your system.

Sometimes in medicine you have to chalk
it up to one of life's great mysteries,

like crop circles,
or this gal's Adam's apple.

- I'm a girl, that's original.
- I just want to say,

if I don't see you again,
thanks and take care.

Be well, darling. See you next time.

- Wanna hear a great letter?
- No.

Hey, everybody.
This place has dynamite lamb.

- What are you doing here?
- I called him.

After shooting my mouth off the other
night, I've been feeling a lot of...

- Guilt.
- No. Not that.

- Guilt?
- Yes, that.

- I don't like her to be right.
- You're upset about your sister...

If I didn't date guys she slept with,
I wouldn't have a date to the Prom.

- Then what is it?
- I said I was falling in love with you.

- You know what you said?
- Thank you?

- You asked me if I wanted pizza.
- No, pineapple pizza.

You can't take this personally.
Doctors don't listen to anyone.

Don't lump us together with numb-nuts.

Really? This morning I asked you
to do me a favour involving my mother.

What was it?

Well, I hope that it had something
to do with hiring people to kill her?

Oh, come on. I hope you guys
listen better to your patients.

For some reason, right then,

we both knew how those pesticides
got into our patient's system.

Lucky for me,
I couldn't pay my rent this month.

That's some rock.
When's the big day?

Oh me, no, no, never.
My fianc? dumped me.

I can't remember the last time
anyone was this nice to me.

I just want to say, if I don't see you
again, thanks and take care.

- She did it to herself.
- Gotta go.

The problem with only listening
to a patient for 15 seconds is,

sometimes you don't hear everything.

When you finally realise
what they were trying to say,

you might have lost them forever.

- Ms Tracy.
- Hey, guys.

- We need to talk.
- About what?

How have things been going lately?

OK. Why?

Actually, it has...

...been a couple of rough months.

Come on, Jill.
Come on.

You can never underestimate
the importance of listening.

A quick note for all
my comatose listeners out there.

All your lovers have moved on.

If it's any consolation,
my sources tell me they're happy.

Well, snooze you lose.
In other news...

- Get off that thing.
- Listening can affect your career.

There you are, you deaf bastard.

I hate you so much,
every time you utter my name,

I wanna stick my fist down your throat
and watch you slowly choke on it.

Ted, I can hear now.

Who's Ted?

Listening can even mend a friendship.

Carla, could you go get...
You know what? Forget it.

No, Doctor. Just tell me
what you need, I'll do it.

Give him one gram of Ancef
for prophylaxis.

Ultimately, it keeps you in the moment.

So you don't miss
the things that really matter.

- Say it again.
- No, you have to earn it.

I'll try.

Oh for God's sake,
we're watching a movie here.

Kill me.