Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 9 - My Dirty Secret - full transcript

Mornings in a hospital
are filled with possibilities.

You could encounter a disease
you've never seen before,

make a life-saving diagnosis,

or try out the best new nickname ever.

Good morning, Black Whale.

No.

- No to black, or no to whale?
- Just no.

Hey, idiot.
I said idiot and you looked.

You did the "hey, idiot" thing
to me, like, six months ago.

- Did you look then?
- Yeah.

You know what?
I think you're out of ways to bother me.



- No, you're wrong.
- Think of a way to annoy me right now.

That's what I thought.

Thanks for the SeaWorld tickets, Sean.

So you have family in town or something?

- Hell, no, I'm going to sell these.
- OK.

Come here, Aquaman. One more patient
and then we're getting out of here.

Elliot and her marine biologist
boyfriend at it again.

But you know what?
It honestly doesn't bother me.

Sean's gonna let me swim
with the dolphins.

That's great.
I hope they don't maul you.

Relax, Elliot. Dolphins love people.

How'd you get that giant scar
on your leg?

Parachute pants.
It got caught in the zipper.

Right.



You're lying already? I love that.

- It wasn't a dolphin that bit me.
- What was it?

- Black whale.
- You rang?

I knew you'd end up liking it.

Mrs Cantwell, just a quick pelvic exam.

So throw your feet up in these stirrups
here and scoot your tushie down.

Come on, Sean. Let's go.

Shouldn't you at least
buy her breakfast?

You're not the first person to give a
patient an orgasm during a pelvic exam.

No one cares.

I'm sure the two of you
haven't stopped obsessing about it.

Woman, we're professionals.
Isn't that right, Dr Dorian?

52? Mrs Cantwell,
you don't look a day over 25.

Why, thank you, young lady.

- Dude.
- I'm sorry. What's up?

- What's happening with the other thing?
- That's great.

I've never heard a woman
make sounds like that.

I'm sure you haven't.

It's funny. You've never
really satisfied a woman.

You might wanna double-check
with your mum.

Around here
we all make fun of each other.

Except for Carla.
No one makes fun of Carla.

Got a gross of bedpans here.
And where should I pick up my medal?

For what?

For reading your chicken-scratch
handwriting. Who is with me?

I run back and forth for 18 hours a day

between patients who might die
and who will die.

If I find time to write an order
for bedpans, I write it fast.

So I don't feel like being judged

by some guy in his 30s
who still wears shorts to work.

Say the only three words
I wanna hear coming out of your mouth.

Sign here, please.

- Thanks again for holding the door.
- I didn't know you were behind me.

I didn't hear anybody telling me
what a horrible person I am.

- How are the new happy parents?
- I'm living my dream.

Have a great day today.

Hurry home tonight so you can ignore
your son and not do your share.

You make me want to kill myself
and everybody around me.

Come, Dixie.

So, you and Jordan, huh?
You wanna talk about it?

I do, but not here
because I'll probably just cry,

I'm crying, it's too late.

I swore I wouldn't do this.

Come on, Perry. Get it together.

You stop it.

Come on, you idiot.

Hey, fellas. What's the good word?

Mr Randolph, your PSA number's gone up
since your last blood test.

This could be from the prostatitis.

We won't know for sure until
your biopsy results come back.

But I feel pretty certain
that we're gonna find something.

For God's sake, Catherine,
stop making a scene.

I'm sorry, Doctors,
but she gets a little emotional.

- Are you two WASPs?
- Episcopalian. Why?

You would veto the French Riviera
for our honeymoon

because of the nude beaches?

The point of marriage is that I'm the
only one who gets to see your candies.

I gotta go. But meet me
in the on-call room in an hour.

I have a very sexy surprise for you.

Hell, yeah.

- This guy's sick.
- Thanks.

- You're stupid.
- You're just embarrassing yourself.

- Pick someone else to annoy.
- I don't pick 'em. They pick me.

Loose debris can get sucked up
into the air-conditioning vents.

When that happens, I have to spend
the day crawling around inside the wall.

And I don't like that.
There's not enough air.

I've hallucinated. I spent a day inside
that wall thinking I was a mermaid.

So you don't throw around loose trash

and I won't have to waste a day granting
the wishes of imaginary fishermen.

Dude, I'm not scared of you.
Life's too good.

I'm untouchable.

That's what I hoped you'd say.

Dr Murphy, how about you start us off

by describing the medical condition
of your patient Mr Aronson here?

He's got hypertropic cardiomyopathy

with severe secondary
pulmonary hypertension.

Wrong. He's dead.

Another one bites the dust, huh, sport?

Next contestant. Dr Reid.

Admitted with a COPD exacerbation.

He responded well to antibiotics

but he did develop a rash
on his private area.

- Sorry, on his what?
- His peepers.

- Excuse me?
- His schwing-schwong.

It's bad enough you run out on a patient
in the middle of a pelvic exam,

but you are a doctor and you need to be
able to say simple clinical words

like "penis" or "vagina" or "anal."

- "Anal" is not a dirty word, sir.
- Tell that to my wife.

The biopsy's back and I'm afraid
it's positive for prostate cancer.

Rats. Excuse my language, dear.

I can see this conversation
being riddled with that kind of talk.

Perhaps you should wait
out in the hallway.

Sir, I know that it's cancer,
but I'm not really worried.

Am I confusing cancer
with some other disease?

No, you're not.
Captain Bedside here is trying to say

it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes,
so it's still easily operable.

There's an opening in surgery.
I managed to jam you in.

This is happening fast. You must have
a lot of emotions swirling around.

But if you have any questions at all,
I'm here.

What channel is that Queer Guy show on?

- Tell him.
- Bravo, Tuesdays at ten,

nine Central, eight Mountain.

- Message from Jordan.
- How's it going?

- Just great.
- Hey, watch it.

We've known each other
for over two years. Let me in, OK?

Help me help you.

Stop it. Fine, Newbie.
Let me tell you a little story.

It starts every day at five,

about the time
you're setting your hair for work.

I am awakened by a sound.

Is that a cat
being gutted by a fishing knife?

No. That's my son. He's hungry
and he's got a load in his pants so big

that I'm considering hiring
a stable boy.

I go ahead and dig in
because I do love the lad

and, gosh, you know me, I'm a giver.

And I'm off to the hospital
where my cup runneth over

with both quality colleagues,
such as yourself,

and a proverbial clown car
full of sick people.

But my pay is about the same as guys
who breaks rocks with other rocks

and I only have to work
300 or 400 hours a week,

so, so far, I'm a pretty happy camper.

Then I head back home, where I'm greeted
by the faint musk of baby vomit

in a house that used to smell like,
well, nothing.

It used to smell like nothing at all.

All I wanna do before I restart
this whole glorious cycle is

lay on the couch and have a beer,
watch some Sports Center,

and if I'm not too sweaty,
stick my hand right down my pants,

but apparently that's not in Jordan's
definition of "pulling your weight".

So, there you are, superstar. Fix that.

That's easy. Just tell her about it.
Tell her everything you feel.

Should I give her every reason
to accept that I'm for real?

No one understands relationships
like Billy Joel.

Uptown Girl got me through high school.

You don't wanna end up
like the Randolphs back there,

not saying a word to each other, do you?

You wish we were
more like the Randolphs, don't you?

God save me, I do. I really do.

Come here.

So, here's your surprise.
We'll be getting married in six months

and I just thought it would be so hot

if we didn't have sex again
until our wedding night.

Can you imagine
how great that night will be?

So great. How about this, though?

How about you stop having sex
but I keep having sex?

- You mean like an affair?
- No.

I'll have sex with you
when you're sleeping.

Turk, how can you not think
this idea is so romantic?

Maybe you got me confused with
that little Amish boy you used to date.

Damn.

Untouchable, eh?

Dr Kelso, none of my patients
have died today.

Really? Mr Ferguson's corpse
begs to differ.

Darn it.

And, Dr Reid, your patient, Mrs Burke,
has developed a urinary infection.

Apparently it hurts when she makes
whizzy winkles through her sea biscuit.

It's not my fault
dirty stuff makes me uncomfortable.

Whose fault is it?

But more important
than never letting yourself get fat

is never let a man put his dirty
how-do-you-do into your bajingo.

Jorge, I need to see you
in the potting shed.

She was always yelling at Jorge
in that potting shed.

But she never fired him, even after he
kidnapped her and took her to Acapulco.

How am I supposed to reverse 26 years
of uptight repression?

This is a job
for Miss Busybody Smarty-pants.

I know what you have to do.
I'm gonna help you through this.

- Dude, I'm dying here.
- It's 18 hours since you had sex.

- I'm saying, this is torture.
- Why don't you take care of yourself?

- Man, you know I don't do that.
- You don't?

- I only did that like twice in my life.
- Same here.

If by "in my life"
you mean "since I got home".

I gotta go to sleep. I'm tired.

My little newbie dooby-doo.

That whole "telling Jordan how I feel"
thing just went terrific.

Thank you. I need a place to crash.
Where's Naomi's bedroom?

Goodnight, roomies.

We gotta get that lock fixed.

The only lock I gotta get fixed
is the one to Carla's panties.

I need to get a key.
I need to call a locksmith.

I thought I was the locksmith.

Then she cut me off, man.
Just like that.

Prison lock-down. No one gets in or out.

Man, that's tough.

If you're not using my bed,
can I use it?

You may not, on account of this
whole situation being your fault.

You told her that spending the
day with a baby isn't really a job.

You told me to tell her how I feel.
I did just that.

You'll remain on the floor until
you come up with a new plan for me.

You know Dr Cox,
I know this is tough on you,

what with you being psychotic and all.

But I'm out, OK? It's 3am,
and there's nothing in the world

that's gonna keep me
from going to sleep right now.

You changed your mind about surgery?

Catherine downloaded some information
on diet, exercise, seed implants.

Those are, at best, a stall.

I know there's trepidation when you talk
about surgery near the penis.

Quick pause on the gutter talk.
Catherine, hallway.

Look, I...

Go.

There are possible side effects,
but the incontinence goes away.

Sexual dysfunction can be treated with
anything from Viagra to a penis pump.

Penis pump? That sounds awkward.

It doesn't have to be.

It's a giraffe.

End of discussion.
I'm not having the surgery.

I don't mind
that they've shaved me already.

Proportionately
everything seems much grander.

You just have to ease into it.

Let's forget about patients for now
and start with this.

Oh, my God. She's got a tattoo
of a teardrop on her bajingo.

- Is it sad?
- Her vagina.

She has a tattoo
on her beautiful vagina.

This just isn't fair.
Not fair at all. It's ridiculous.

- This is stupid.
- I'm just trying to help.

You know what?
I don't remember asking for your help.

It does look a little sad.

They always do.

We don't have to take our clothes off

To have a good time

This is a hospital.
Why are you playing that song?

We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off,
the classic anthem to platonic love?

No reason.

Whatever you're doing, it's not working.

Of course not. Not with you.
You're, what'd you say? Untouchable.

Well, anyway, back to work.

New friend.

Mr Greenburg needs
2.4 million units of penicillin IM.

Why, does he have a spinkle
in his gherkin?

You're right.
That stuff makes me uncomfortable.

That would have sent me
into a shame spiral,

but now I'm just gonna get over it
at my own pace.

What does bother me is that no one
is ever allowed to make fun of you.

- People can make fun of me.
- What about that delivery guy?

You practically tore him
a new bingle-bore.

But he's not my friend.
My friends can make fun of me.

Really?
You're a know-it-all smarty-pants

and if you're not telling someone
what to do, you're not talking.

I guess I can be a little bossy.

A little? Girl, please.

If you met Jesus, you'd be trying
to tell him where to park his donkey.

Are we allowed to do this? What about
that whole hands on the hips,

Carla from the block thing
she does when she's mad?

"Bambi, you do not wanna
mess with me right now."

- You do sound like that.
- Careful. We are not that close.

Careful. You better be careful,
cos I'm Carla.

Mr Randolph.

What's he doing here?
I don't like these people.

Surgeons, not African-Americans.

- We're actually saying "black" now.
- I was right, Catherine.

I brought Dr Turk to help you
get over your fear of surgery.

I'm not scared.

- Then what is it?
- I don't know if you've noticed.

Catherine and I
don't always communicate well.

- No.
- Come on. You're joshing.

It's true.

But when I lay that beautiful woman
down onto our bed to make love...

Oh, God.

...the walls come tumbling down.

It's the one place

that I can tell her
how wonderful and beautiful she is

and how I would be lost without her.

I know I will probably have to
have this surgery eventually,

but until then
I am not going to risk losing

the one thing
that keeps me close to her.

Not until I absolutely have to.

Yes, dear, you can come in.

Maybe the dirty little secret about sex
is that it isn't so dirty after all.

Could you try to be a tiny bit mature?

This is me mature.

- Excuse me.
- What?

OK, so there's that.
I realised I let you down before.

I was thinking I could make it up to you
by maybe babysitting sometime.

The weird thing is, even though it's
natural, sex can make us uncomfortable.

You have a penis and I have a vagina.

That is so hot.

But if we work at it,
we can get beyond that discomfort...

... and realise that sex
can actually be a comfort.

Hey, baby. A patient made me understand
what romance really means.

So as far as this no-sex thing goes,
I'm with you 100%.

Everyone I know just spent
the last two hours listing my faults.

I wanna have sex, now.

I'll get the condoms.

Sorry.

Sex can even be a cure.

Wait a minute.
Why were you so angry at me?

I don't even remember.

How do I know all this? Because no one
understands how important sex is

better than someone who isn't having it.

Hello, Cinemax.