Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 2 - My Journey - full transcript

Hospitals are filled with people
who came off 18-hour shifts.

When a patient dies, it's not uncommon
to take them to the morgue,

then grab a little shuteye in their bed.

Unfortunately, sometimes
you're beaten to the punch.

I'm up.

You can hardly notice it.
It's actually kind of pretty.

- Jackass.
- Look who's here.

I'm never happy when a guy
comes back into Elliot's life,

but at least with Sean
it's entertaining.

Thanks for the latte.

I should have warned you that
they make the hottest coffee in town.



No sweat. Lesson learned.

Is it me or do those two seem
less awkward around each other?

See you, Elliot.

See you.

I have some news.
We picked a date for the wedding.

Tell 'em, Turk. April 24th.

No way. Mine is April 25th. 2006.

The place I love in Connecticut
books up early, so I took a shot.

One, two, three. Crazy.

So you've never dreamt
about your wedding day?

Do you, John Dorian,
take Marcia Brady to be your wife?

- My name is Maureen McCormick.
- Marcia, please.

Father, continue.

No, I have not. By the way, I know
an amazing Journey cover band.



You should get 'em
to play at your reception.

Not everyone loves Journey
as much as you.

I don't love Journey.

I love 'em. They're called
the Loving-Touching-Squeezings.

They rock.
Book 'em now, thank me later.

After that, the day got worse.

Thanks for giving me a ride to see Sean.

I've never been to SeaWorld.
What does Sean do here?

- Probably cleans up the seal poop.
- There he is.

Lame.

Who left this urine here?

Someone's got a secret admirer.

Dr Kelso, someone left
this urine specimen sitting around.

What's interesting
is the name's been ripped off.

Sweetheart, I think you're confusing
"interesting" with "boring."

- I can't believe you set a date.
- It's happening.

Wedding talk? How lovely.

Listen, Hilton sisters, Mr Quinn in 206
still has a severely shattered clavicle

and he needs a surgical consult.

Seeing as he's your patient
and you're a surgeon,

gosh, I was hoping that if you two hens
have an extra moment

between choosing centre pieces
and deciding

exactly how you're gonna attach
that veil onto baldy's head,

it would just be super-de-duper

if you could peek in and give him
the old lookie-Ioo, wouldn't it?

Anyway, I'm really psyched for you guys.

It's gonna be harder for us to hang out.

You're gonna be married, man.
You're gonna have a house.

You're gonna spend weekends chasing
around little Arturo and Rosalia.

- You mean Tamika and Fuqua?
- You should talk to Carla.

This is the end of a major chapter
in our lives.

Know what?
I'm gonna take you out tonight.

We're gonna get some dinner,
a nice bottle of wine.

Sounds like a man-date.

Turk, why are you so afraid
of loving me?

Up.

- Do you actually talk to each other?
- He's just a dolphin.

Because, Bruce, then she would think
I was crazy, that's why.

I am so glad that we're dating again.

We're not dating.

Why don't you wanna be dating?

Well, all right. Why is everything
so much easier with dolphins?

You're not trying to date a dolphin.

No. Well, not after that big talk
they gave us.

Last time we were together
everything was going great

and then out of nowhere
you dumped me for your job.

I've never been so crushed
in my entire life.

Really?

That is not something
that I'm happy about.

If I hadn't made medicine my priority,
I wouldn't have lasted.

But now things are gonna be different
because I'm different.

I'm New Elliot.

Do you think the New Elliot
would like to go to dinner tonight?

I don't know. She's very busy.

Laverne, by this afternoon we're
gonna find out whose urine this is.

Why don't you do that?

I'm gonna get my tooth fixed
so I can stop looking like Larry Holmes.

You're forcing me to say what I prayed
I'd never have to say again to a woman.

Please, put down the cup of urine.

- $6.50, please.
- $6.50 for an egg-salad sandwich?

$4.50 for the salad. $2 for the apple
juice you put in the urine container.

- Who would do that?
- Just the burger for me.

Before I examine your clavicle,
let me ask you,

is it out of line for me
to take my best friend to dinner?

- Well, I...
- This is like the end of an era.

We've always been known
as Turk and J.D.

In college, people were,
"When are Turk and J.D. Getting here?"

In med school everyone was like,
"When are Turk and J.D. Getting here?"

- We didn't have a car.
- We were together so much,

an Indian girl slept with him cos
she thought his name was Andjaydee.

It was a very good day for me.

See? This is the kind of stuff
I'm gonna miss.

The reminiscing, the way your breath
always smelled of curry.

All right, fine. It's a man-date.

We're still on for surgery
tomorrow, right?

Right. When you slice me up,
make sure you don't mess up my tat.

- My fianc?, Tracy, would kill me.
- I had a tattoo once.

You got your face painted
at the hospital picnic.

I was a cougar.

See you later.

Does this shade of red
make me look like a clown?

No, Barbie.

It makes you look like a prostitute
who caters exclusively to clowns.

I'm sorry, that was my mistake. I keep
forgetting you're a horrible person.

Backbone Barbie. Excuse me.

You wouldn't be signing out Mr Hudson
to the on-call resident?

- Yeah. Why?
- He's your patient.

He needs a lumbar puncture

and you can't count on
the on-call resident to do that.

It's just that I've got a date
with this guy named Sean.

Would you do me a favour
and excuse me for one moment?

I cannot miss this dinner.

Barbie, I actually see your point.

You should, in fact,
go on your little date.

I have some busy work that's gonna take
me in the vicinity of Mr Hudson's room.

I'll just pop my head in
and tell him that he's going to die.

But if you have a moment between dinner
and giving it away for free,

if you could call Mr Hudson's
wife and kids

and tell them about, you know,
the dying.

I know. This would be just the most
terrific place to work on the planet

if it weren't for all these sick people,
wouldn't it?

I'm sorry. I just thought
that as a urine-lab technician

you'd be at least half as interested
in urine as I am.

It's not any of my business,
but I think I know whose whiz that is.

I love you.

OK. Go.

His name is Mr Freely.

- First name?
- I.P.

I.P. Freely?

Funny in third grade, funny now.

Listen, Stretch, if you know who this
belongs to, I'd fess up right now.

Or I'm gonna grab you
by the back of that two-dollar haircut

and force feed you this sample
so you carry it around all day.

That way, if I want it back, I point you
at a beaker and squeeze really hard.

You got any more funny jokes
you gotta tell me?

No, ma'am.

In a hospital, every day
is made up of little battles.

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

I officially don't care anymore
who peed in this jar.

Sometimes you fight them not because
you want to but because you have to.

Shut up.

Other times you fight for what you want.

Sean, I can't make it to dinner.

But what you want isn't willing to wait.

Sure, Elliot.

If you're lucky, there's no battle,
everything works out perfectly.

Yo. For a second I thought
you weren't coming, dude.

Hey. It's Turk Andjaydee.

And J.D.

- I'm so psyched we're doing this.
- So am I. Todd, over here, buddy.

Excuse me for a second, fellas. I'm
gonna go tell that girl my name's Beer.

Then I'm gonna offer her some beer nuts.
What's up?

Mental five.

- You invited the Todd?
- Dude, we left at the same time.

I didn't know what to say to him.

I thought we were gonna reminisce,
get a little deep.

Me too. I'm totally bummed out,
all right?

That was the hottest slap
I've ever gotten.

I can't believe I wasn't gonna come out.

Thanks for twisting my arm.

I'm outta here.

Come on, man. Fine, man.

I can have plenty of deep moments
with the Todd.

Hey, do you think gay dudes
get turned on by their own wieners?

Oh, my God.

I wanted to let Turk know
how I felt about how he behaved,

so I decided to throw him Mr Quinn's
chart with a little extra mustard sauce.

Morning, buddy.

I apologise for that. To you, not you.
I thought we were friends.

Again, not you and me. Me and him.
Anyway, have a nice day.

You. Not you. Nor you.

This whole you leaving the room whenever
I enter it thing that you're doing is...

I love it.

Since I got engaged,
he's crazier than my fianc?e.

Although Carla is going a little nuts
about the dress.

- Dude, what's up with Tracy?
- Dude, Tracy's a guy.

- That would make you gay.
- I am gay.

Neat.

Never underestimate just exactly
how uncomfortable this makes him.

- Hello?
- Hey, Sean, it's Elliot.

I know that last night
didn't go exactly as we planned it,

so I thought we could reschedule.

Look, I think this whole thing
may be a bad idea.

Just give me another chance?

I kind of already have plans tonight.
This girl Betty from work.

- Sean...
- I'll see you.

I did what I had to do and I don't need
you judging me right now, Betty.

What do you know?

I'm telling you, it was a clipboard.
It came right out of the sky.

I'm sure it did, sir.

Wendy, would you watch the phones
while I go back to the urology lab?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Nurse Espinosa, I requested
that you transfer Mrs Merchant

to the Morning Side Nursing Home.

I'd take her myself, but I'd run
the risk of bumping into my mother.

The last thing I need
is another conversation

about why she shouldn't have to spend
her golden years in a bunk bed.

Now, either do the job we pay you for
or I'll find someone else who will.

Have a great day.

Oh, my God.
The janitor's afraid of Carla.

How could I use this to my advantage?

Listen, I want you to lay off J.D. Stop
accusing him of things he didn't do.

And bring him a fruit smoothie
every day.

I have to learn Spanish.

What's up?

I found out my favourite chips
cause anal leakage and...

- I'm not talking to you.
- How did you get him to stop talking?

I don't get it.
You made me feel like an idiot.

I always make him feel like an idiot.

- Why the big deal?
- You never tell me how you feel.

Damn it all.
I never tell you how I feel.

- I'm not talking to you.
- Finally. Thank you.

Ever since I met you,
it's been like this one-way street.

I tell you everything
and you tell me nothing.

- What are you afraid of?
- Hey, guys. This is my fianc?, Tracy.

This is Dr Turk and Dr Dorian.

Honest to God, I love this place.

So, thanks to you,
Sean blew me off, but I'm OK.

New Elliot's just gonna get him back
because New Elliot is a fixer.

Like if that guy's spleen ruptured,
I would just go over and fix him.

- My spleen is going to rupture?
- Relax. You're fine.

I'm just going to show Sean
that he will always come first.

I hate to interrupt
this one-gal pep rally, Barbie,

but I give this guy two weeks, three
if you are just terrific in the sack.

Well, then, it's three.
I mean, you're wrong.

I just got off the phone with Jordan

who told me that my son
rolled over for the first time.

Oh, my God. That's so great.

Big "who cares?" Not about Jack
rolling over for the first time,

but about your reaction to
my son rolling over for the first time.

Point being that I missed it
because I was here.

You might wanna write this down,
because here comes the inside scoop:

The hospital comes first.

- Always.
- Always?

Forever and ever.

And ever and ever and ever...
You getting this?

So I'll pick you up tomorrow.

And ever and ever...

You're not that comfortable
with the man-on-man action, are you?

So I'm a little homophobic.
We all got our stuff, right?

I bet deep down inside
you're a little racist.

- Marrying a black guy.
- How pissed are your parents, honestly?

So what makes you so uncomfortable?
Is it the sex?

I don't love the idea
of kissing anyone with a moustache.

That's why I pretend to have a cold
when Carla's aunt comes to town.

What really freaks me out, though,

is the thought of being that open
with another guy, any guy.

I don't know what it is. That's just
the way I've been my whole life.

Maybe it's because I'm scared, you know?

Dude, that's a little gay.

What?

I feel bad about what happened before,

so I went and searched through,
like, 40 bags of garbage

and I found the torn-off urine label.

- Also found half a tooth.
- Over here, jumpsuit.

Mr Thomas Burke.
Let's get you to the lab.

Hey, studly, when you were out
rooting through the dumpster,

you didn't stumble across
your own testicles, did you?

You know that long line of trembling
peons that are so afraid of you?

- I'm not in that line.
- You're not?

No. I'm not in anybody's line.

- This is a Chiclet.
- I gotta go.

I'm happy when someone wins a battle,

because around here you get
your fair share of disappointment.

You have to fight
for things that really matter.

Like pride in your work.

Or your friendship.

I'm starting to like Journey.

You're gonna be very pleased
with the next 23 songs.

The fact that
you're even here is enough.

We don't have to get all deep.

I wanna try this, man.

OK. Ever since Carla and I set the date
for our wedding, I started thinking.

You know those lame-ass couples

that get engaged
but they never actually get married,

they just cruise along year after year
without making any real commitment?

Dude, I wanted to be
one of those couples, man.

Pookie, can we get two apple-tinis?

Sometimes all you can do
is grit your teeth and tell the truth.

I was planning on telling you
that you'll always come first,

but the truth is
that's not a promise that I can keep.

But I can guarantee you that when it's
my decision, I'll always choose you.

But if that's not enough, I understand.