Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 3 - My White Whale - full transcript

Today started out like any other day.

Dolphins won again.

Here you go.
I'm gonna be hearing about this all day.

Dr Cox and Jordan
are still looking for a paediatrician.

This time
try not to scare off the doctor.

- I did not scare off the last guy.
- You bit him.

I tripped and my teeth hit his shoulder.

And once that happened,
did you clamp down a little bit?

- You come on.
- He had a bad attitude.

Remember what Mr Cookiepants says
about blowing your nose.

If it's clear, have no fear
If it's bloody, come see your buddy



- What do you want?
- We're looking for a new paediatrician.

And you figured that
since you're on the board of directors

and Dr Cox here is an attending
and a renowned pain in the ass,

you could show disregard for my schedule

and make me want to cause you
grievous bodily harm?

- Hello, I'm Dr Norris.
- Charmed.

Like I said, same ol', same ol'.

You drew on the wall.

- You pulled the paper away.
- Stop lying. That's gonna come off?

Dan, don't. That's Dad's indelible
space pen and prom is in two weeks.

Good evening, Mr and Mrs Shepherd.
I'm here to pick up Amy for...

...prom.

That'll come off. You won't have to get
laser surgery or skin from your ass.

Come on.



Lots of things last longer
than you wish they would,

especially stupid relationships
with stupid trainers

who stole my stupid girl.

Well, I've got whales to train.

Stupid whales.

Hey, Sean. Right on, brother.

- Bye.
- Where the hell are my interns?

As third-year residents, you have to
stay on top of your interns.

These right here, you see these names?
They are called patients.

This one needs brainwork.
This one needs a heart.

- This guy needs courage.
- Helping or hurting?

The point is, they will live or die
based on your lame-ass post ops,

so please, people, shape the hell up.

Yes, Dr Turk.

Dr Jerk.

The girl one just called you Dr Jerk.

No sweat. You should hear
what they call Dr Mickhead.

What?

I decided to take a different tack
with my interns.

Look, guys,
I'm not here to overwork you.

I'm not just your resident.

I'm your buddy. I'm your go-to guy.

I'm J.D.

Of course, my tack
had its own drawbacks.

But it is crucial I have everyone here
at 9am sharp tomorrow.

- Is it cool if I come at 9.30?
- Absolutely.

- Anyone else need to be late?
- I can't.

Why don't we just make it ten, then?

Break.

- I can be here at nine.
- But I said ten.

I guess everyone has their own style.

Today for lunch the cafeteria has...

Name a manifestation of hydrocephalus.

- Urinary incontinence.
- Yes, Bruce.

Go place a Foley cath on bed four.
As for the rest of Team E...

If it isn't Dr Haircut and her
Not Ready For Prime Time Players.

Actually, sir, we rock. So, feel free
to sit back and enjoy the show.

Don't worry.
Those are a dime a dozen.

Really?

In fact, if you get bored,
just hijack an ice-cream truck

and drive it through
our new pathology lab.

But spare the paper shredder.

I'll need that
to turn your next 12 paycheques

into a clown wig you can wear
for the rest of your internship.

Dr Reid, you may have
an exciting new look

and a boyfriend who smells
vaguely like my tackle box,

but I remain, as always, underwhelmed.

Dr Norris, what we're looking for
is someone who's not too alarmist

but also not too lax either.

God, please let that someone be me.

You're obviously busy with your doll.

My doll.

- It's a collectible.
- Someone's gonna get his ass bit.

Right. I think
we should probably take off.

We'll be back to you with our decision.

I'll be by my giant pretend phone
pretending to give a crap.

By the way...

Hello. Gotta take it.

- I love him.
- Of course you do. He's you.

Nobody loves you
more than you. You know that.

Still, he is
the best paediatrician on staff,

and since we work here
we'll have a lot of pull.

Come on. You haven't let me
make one decision about our son,

which is why, by the way,
you'll be answering when he asks

why daddy's wee-wee doesn't have
a turtleneck on it like his.

- Fine to whatever you said.
- Hey, Carla.

I had to re-do the N.G. Tube
one of your nurses put on Mrs Himmel.

If you could spread the word to leave
that to me and my guys, it'd be great.

No problem, Bambi.

But the reason my nurses had to do that

is because
none of your interns know how.

So if you keep flapping your mouth,

I'm gonna see
if I can fit my foot in it.

OK. Good talk. Brian, you know
how to place an N.G. Tube, don't you?

- You did it for me both times.
- Jimmy, didn't you do one yesterday?

No, you let me go home cos I forgot
to set my TiVo for Behind the Music.

Do not miss that. It's awesome.

Seth?

That was when I realized
what I'd turned my interns into.

This is gonna be your third Foley cath.
You can do this.

You didn't need to page me 17 times
between the time I bought the rum muffin

and then threw it away
because alcoholism runs in my family.

After this morning I just wanted to
make sure that I really have this down.

- What are you doing?
- It's just a nervous habit.

- It helps me concentrate.
- Know what helps me concentrate?

- Me not doing that?
- No, bunnies.

I don't wanna embarrass you there,
big Jack, but...

you've got a little something
on your face.

Hardly notice it.

What was that?

Don't tell me you're gonna be a parent

who makes a big deal
out of every single cough.

Look out, Mickhead.

OK, tough guy. Goodnight.

What the...?
Maybe I diluted this too much.

Can't blame the cleanser.

Even though my interns sucked,
I decided to turn it into a positive.

Elliot, I need some pointers
on how to deal with my interns.

Hey, Doug.

Do you think we could meet up
after work or something?

Sure. What'd you have in mind?

Nothing major.

It's not a bad thing
that you play with it.

Your mom wants you
to take breaks for meals.

Jack here's got a cough.

On account of the meconium problem
he had, it might be pneumonia.

Benjamin, take this cup.
Fill 'er up, all right?

What in the hell do you think you are
doing, you arrogant son of a bitch?

If you ever interrupt an exam again,
I will shove my stethoscope up your...

- Benjamin, what happened?
- I don't have to go.

That happens to the big boys too.
Try again. Go on.

- Is his temperature under 100.5?
- Barely.

- Eating, peeing, pooing?
- Sometimes at the same time.

It's a really persistent cough.
What do you say?

Office hours. Tomorrow, five o'clock.

I'm gonna put this in a language
that you can understand.

You had better see my son now
or I'm gonna kick your ass.

OK, here she comes.
Don't be over-eager.

Elliot. Over here.

- You look great.
- Thanks.

- Hey, J.D.
- Sean's here, everybody.

Since he's a trainer, Sean
is really good with communication.

He helped with my interns.
I thought he could help you with yours.

Stay calm. At least she's here too.

- Bruce again. Gotta go.
- Bye.

This'll be fun.

And just like that I had
another rough night ahead of me.

At least I wasn't the only one.

You paged me for another Foley catheter?

I'm great at these now.

Just watch this one.

Don't mind if I do.

It's gonna be a long, long night.

I'm right here, Bruce.

Hello, David. I've been expecting you.

I just thought I'd come by
and play with your stuffed animals.

I know. They're for the kids.

Also, wanted to let you know that
I will be bringing my son this morning.

I don't think so there, chief.

Where's Mr Cookiepants?

- I said where's Mr Cookiepants?
- He's in a safe place.

If you touch him,
I'll inject your kid with chickenpox.

No, you won't.

I know. For God's sakes,
it's an innocent doll.

No, David. It's a collectible.

Whatever.

This kid just falls apart every time
Kelso looks over his shoulder.

Why don't you tell Kelso to back off?

I've taken a lot of positive steps
this year, but standing up to Kelso,

I can't get over that hump yet.

- He's like my white whale.
- Mine's Frank.

I meant like in Moby Dick.
Kelso's a giant pain in my ass.

Because I love Frank. Just, he can
drive me crazy every now and then.

Every day.

Let's start out by me watching
how you interact with your interns.

Your brain'll tell you
to be self-conscious,

but ignore the voice in your head.

Kick him in the crotch and run.

I'll try.

Be nice to the teacher.
I'm sleeping with him.

Oh, my God,
I haven't said that since college.

Norris just moved the appointment
back to six, the rat bastard.

Watch your language in front of the kid,
you stupid mickey-fickey.

I am adapting. You, on the other hand,
are behaving like a complete lunatic.

No, I'm not.

Carla. You're one of them
bossy-pants types

who tells people their problems
whether they ask or not, right?

- I've learned when to hold back.
- You're in.

You've totally lost sight
of what's important.

You are a parent now.
You don't come first anymore.

You do what's best for your son,

even if it means sucking up to the one
doctor who's more obnoxious than you.

Oh, my God. I love doing that so much,
it makes my hands shake a little.

How are your interns doing?

It still burns a little,
but at least I can hear OK.

Fantastic, but that's the brachial
artery, and it's not how we draw blood.

If we need to inject him with heroin,
you'll be the first one I call.

What is it?
Do you have something to say?

No.

You remind me of her so much,

you're just a breakdown away
from being the same person.

If you're having trouble with your
case report, I'll be glad to look at it.

Cool. Try to have it back by five.

- I have a lot of things to do, but...
- Can I offer constructive criticism?

Kick him in the crotch, damn it.

You worry so much about whether they
like you that they don't respect you.

One of mine ran out
and got me some dome wax.

Check it. Zing.

It's really shiny.

I had the same problem
with the dolphins...

That's it. I'm sorry. I'm a doctor.

I'm teaching humans, not dolphins.

So it isn't helpful for me
to know what works on fish.

They're mammals, actually.

Unfortunately for me,
my interns aren't mammals.

- They are.
- I don't care.

Come on, Turk.

I don't have a problem with you.
I just can't resist a storm-off.

Who can?

Stain, I won't lie to you.
This is gonna hurt a little bit.

Why don't you just paint over it?

Can you believe what Sean was saying?

He's right. Even in college, you cared
way too much about everybody liking you.

- Who wants to help me move?
- Me.

Could you walk my dog while
I have sex with your friend Miguel?

Love to.

- Who wants to help me move back?
- I know where it all goes.

Think about it, man. Cox has taught you
the most since you've been here.

Does he give a damn
whether you like him or not?

- I'd like to think so.
- Out of my way, space-waster.

I felt the love.

Catch him and kick him in his junk.

Enjoy. I didn't cut the hand off.
I used a different puppet for that.

You could give that one to me
and I could fix it.

And have it for the kids.

Disturbing fetishes aside, I owe you
an apology for acting like a jackass,

but I don't think that my son
should be the one to pay for it.

You think I would endanger the health
of a child because you're a jackass?

Most of the parents I deal with
are jackasses.

- You're in the top five.
- Thank you.

The reason why I've yet to see your
child is because he has the sniffles.

The sniffles?

You're a doctor. You have what I like
to call the burden of knowledge.

You're worse than every parent who
freaks out when their kid eats Play-Doh.

You've seen too much.

You've seen what can really go wrong.

If you don't get a handle on that,
it'll crush you.

- You have kids?
- One.

- She hates dolls.
- That's a bummer.

Tell me about it.

That's horrible work.

I do have something to say.

- Remember earlier you asked me?
- No.

The reason I came back here is because
you said that Bruce and I are alike.

Know what? You're right.

You're treating him
the exact same way you treated me.

You judge us by these 20-minute
pressure-filled windows twice a week.

You never get to know
how hard we really work.

A lot of the times when we fail,
it's not our fault, it's yours.

Is that how you feel, future dentist?

You make me feel I can't do anything
well, and I can do lots of things well.

- Like what?
- I'm a solid human beat box.

He was talking
about medical things.

I'd like to hear him demonstrate
this beef box thing.

I guess this one goes out
to my boy Wayne in room 302.

He has fluid in his lungs.

He's got fluid

Young man, enjoy your moment.

My God, Bruce, that was amazing.
Where did you learn how to do that?

In temple.

You're right.
I can see my reflection.

Tell your friends, baby.

You were right about me and my interns.

- I guess I owe you an apology.
- Damn straight you do.

You know what your problem is...

Please, just one more second.
I need the rush.

I'm coming back for you.

It's no big deal.
We both know that it wasn't about that.

You like Elliot.

- Sorry.
- Don't sweat it.

I'd be pissed off.
Why aren't you pissed off?

I don't know. I guess I just don't
see you as that much of a threat.

Cool.

I don't care. All that matters
is finding a way to sleep at night.

Whether it's finally standing up
to your white whale...

painting over your black spot...

or imagining Shamu
taking Sean's arm off.

You don't need a doctor to say a good
night's sleep can fix almost anything.

He's got fluid