Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 1 - My Own American Girl - full transcript

Before I go into that building
and start my day,

I always like to take a quiet moment
to prepare myself.

Well, I guess it would be nice
if I could touch your body

Not you, sir.

I know not everybody
has got a body like you

What's the rule
about white boys dancing?

Not allowed unless you're gay.

Morning, Steven.

Fine. Then I'll just put on
something that rocks.

As a third-year resident, you know
everyone so well you can speak for them.

Remember, no more dancing.



Good morning, Bambi.
Sign this, please.

Who you eyeballing, tough guy?

And of course...

Zsa Zsa,
you put me in quite the pickle.

You see, with those earphones on
you can't hear me,

but the odds are highly against you

cracking open that yapper
and annoying me.

So, what to do?

Hell.

Stop addressing me as Dr Cox
in front of your patients.

When they find out my name,
they page me with questions

when they realise exactly
how inept you really are.

And as an added safety measure,
from now on,

I'll only be responding to Doc, Doctor,
Caesar or The Big Cheese,



and no, I'm not joking.

Not now.

Not ever.

See, things never really
change around here.

Surgical and Medical
still play each other in basketball.

I'm gonna toast you so bad, your mama
ain't even gonna recognise you.

Well, I heard that your sister
started drinking again.

I'm still not great at smack talk.

- It's not supposed to be true?
- No.

Let it pour, big guy.

Elliot was still searching for
something to turn things around.

Isn't she beautiful? This car
has totally maxed out my credit,

but my self-esteem's been so low
that I think it's worth it, don't you?

I just deliver the cars.
She's all yours.

Frick.

The only difference is that by the third
year nothing catches you by surprise.

Mrs Farr is still having
acute abdominal pain.

So, what's wrong with me, Doctor?

Good Lord. I have no idea.
OK, don't panic.

Just do what all doctors do
in this situation and fake a page.

- Got a Code 3 down the hall.
- What's that?

Code 3? Not as bad as a Code 4,
but a hell of a lot worse than a Code 2.

That's a Code 2.

I cannot figure out what's wrong.
I gotta go ask Cox.

- Ask me.
- You're a surgeon.

You just cut people up.
You don't actually know anything.

Dr Cox.

Big Cheese.

If you're wondering
why Dr Kelso's nose is squeaking,

about a week ago he was
torturing Elliot, and Dr Cox, well...

Needless to say,
there were consequences.

Perry, great news.

I've swung it so that you get
to go over to the state pen today

and do the annual inmates' physicals.

Hell's bells, Bob-O,
if you wanna fire me, just do it.

I would, but even though it was quite
crowded when you sucker-punched me,

apparently nobody saw it happen.

Saw what happen, sir?

So, can you look at her chart?

Newbie, did you not see
what just happened?

Kelso is so far up my ass, I can taste
Brylcreem in the back of my throat.

And you're third year now. Wake up.

This whole "Dr Cox riding into
the rescue" part of the show is over.

You're on your own.

Elliot's unlucky streak continued
with the head of Radiology.

You told me my patient had colitis,
but it was traveller's diarrhoea.

So? Sounds like good news.

He took it as bad news, maybe cos
of the unnecessary colonoscope

I shoved three feet up his pooper.

What do you want me to do?

Apologise to my patient and tell him
it was your mistake, no big deal.

Think I'm gonna pass on that one.

I got you pegged
as one of those spineless types

that won't cause me any trouble
no matter what I do.

So thanks for stopping by,
and don't forget your car door.

I just don't want it to get stolen, OK?

That was me not caring.

What?

Now that we can always hear
Dr Kelso coming,

some people have modified
their work habits.

So, you're engaged
to that surgeon guy?

- Is it serious?
- No, Ted. We swing.

Squeaky's a-comin'.

Bobcat, I was hoping
that maybe you could get someone

to cover for me
out at the prison tonight.

I know that the very idea
of you doing a favour for me

makes those ass cheeks
clench up so tight

that you could shove a lump of coal up
there and probably crap out a diamond.

I can't even remember
the last time I saw my son.

You're a father, for God's sake.
You understand, don't you?

My son was recently kicked out
of his Hare Krishna sect

for being too much of a hippie

and is now residing
in the Portland subway system.

The point is that the only thing I care
less about than my son is your son.

Have fun at the big house.

You guys know that unbelievably
handsome new anaesthesiologist?

- Yes. No.
- No.

He didn't know I was engaged,
so he asked me out to a movie tonight.

If he's paying,
get a brother some Sno-Caps.

- Turk, why don't you ever get jealous?
- Woman, look at me.

How could someone with all of this
be jealous of any of that?

You know what I realised when I was
dragging my car door around?

I can't remember the last good thing
that happened to me.

What makes everybody walk all over me?

- No self-confidence.
- You can be a baby.

- Your voice is high when you're upset.
- Rhetorical question, OK?

- Who wants a smoothie.
- Peach Fizzle.

- Banana Razzmatazz.
- Orange Goo-goo.

Got it.

Mrs Farr, I'm gonna start
running tests for everything.

Good luck. Look at the time.

In a hospital, you can never try
to get anything done Friday after 5pm.

Anyone who can actually help you
is out of here like a gunshot.

Hello? Anyone?

Have a good weekend, Steven.

- Sean?
- Hey. Elliot, how you doing?

You look great. Except the buzz cut
is tapping into my recurring dream

where my dad makes me
marry this army colonel

who, it turns out,
already has a wife in the Philippines.

We become friends, but she smothers
him with her thighs and frames me.

I'm doing about the same, too.

I thought you hated this place
cos of when you got sick here.

You remember that?

- You got sick on my face.
- That wasn't the smoothies.

You said you were falling in love with
me. When I get uncomfortable I hurl.

I know. I get a little gassy.

This is gonna sound weird,
but this is fate.

Things have just been so bleak lately.

I've been waiting for someone
to come along, and here you are.

The one that got away.

- That means something, right?
- Yeah, I think...

Hello.

It's OK. It happens.

That girl is extra-strength crazy.

She's a doctor. She's gotta have it
a little bit together, right?

Your smoothies are on your car.

Double frick.

I was trying to keep things positive
with Mrs Farr.

You won't have breakfast
with us tomorrow.

- Am I going home tonight?
- No, the cook died.

What the hell am I gonna do?

She wanted to come back and help.

I wasn't gonna let my baby be here
all alone with all sorts of guys

eyeballing her privates and whatnot.

If you can't muster up some
sincere jealousy, don't even bother.

I got everyone smoothies.

They were out of Orange Goo-goo.

How can we help, Bambi?

To figure out what's wrong, we need
to get a whole bunch of tests done.

There's nothing wrong
with needing your friends.

It's better than missing your family
because you're making new friends.

That's my son.

He's adorable. Can I keep it?

No, you certainly may not.

Bad man.

Still, even that's not the worst.

I'll get the x-ray, you two
work on the echocardiogram,

and then all three of us will deal
with the abdominal CAT scan.

- What can I do?
- We got it.

Being such a mess that your friends
don't ask for your help,

that's the bottom of the barrel.

Sometimes, all there is to do
is ponder your shortcomings

by cannonballing four 32-ounce,
protein-enhanced smoothies.

You'll be OK, Marshmallow.

Laverne, do you call me Marshmallow
because I'm soft and easily flattened?

Yeah. But if it makes you feel better,
it's also because you're very white.

Where the hell's Ted?

109 is my record.

Damn.

I know you're the only
x-ray tech on tonight.

I just need a quick scan to make sure
Mrs Farr doesn't have an obstruction.

Don't wanna know who they are.

Just wanna go click-click
and get 'em outta here.

Your lady's about 40 people down
on the list, and there are no cutsies.

Dammit. Look, there's gotta be
something I can do.

Because of the way I laid on top of you,
I can say this is Siamese twins.

- How cool is that?
- So cool, let's never tell anyone ever.

How can you get this cardiologist
to do an echocardiogram?

I've worked in the cath lab.
I know how they think.

Plus I had a one-nighter with him
a long time ago.

This guy in here got tasty treats?

I was here eight years before you.
I had sexual needs.

First of all, that's disgusting.

- Are you jealous?
- No.

So you don't mind
if I go in there alone.

Thank you.

So, Mitchell, I guess I was just hoping

you would help us out
with this patient, Mrs Farr.

Carla, love to, really, but it's already
six and it's my son's birthday tonight.

- How old is he?
- He's ten.

How long ago was it that you told me
you were single and you took me dancing?

Eight years.
I'll see you in the patient's room.

- All taken care of.
- How is that funny?

Don't you love the outfit?

I always wanted to be
the father of a tiny gay sailor.

We agreed that we would wait
until he's quite a bit older

before we started systematically
ruining his life, right?

I may have painted his toenails
for funsies.

I managed to get some tests done
on Mrs Farr.

Look, Gwyneth, you're old enough now
to hear this from me.

Every time I go out of my way to help
you children, I get nothing but trouble.

This is the first five-minute window
I've had in a week to be with my son.

I'm not gonna have you
pirouetting around

while my heart is breaking inside.

Sorry.

Your heart is breaking inside?

That is so embarrassing for you.

Thank you for that.

What are you doing in here?

It's the men's room.

I know.

It's not like I thought those were
some kind of new female urinals,

and tried them
and found them oddly comfortable.

I'm just gonna replace
these urinal cakes and then I'll go.

Why can't I just grow up?
Why can't I be stronger?

Janitor, have you ever
looked at yourself

and wished that you were different
in every single way?

No. I'm a winner.

But I will tell you something that my
grandmother told me when I was a kid.

At the time,
I thought she was my mother.

She said, "Time spent wishing
is time wasted."

She died shortly after that,

and my sister, who actually was
my mother, she never got over it.

Neither did my brother-dad.

The point is this. If you wanna be
different, then be different.

- Thank you.
- We're all under one roof here.

We gotta watch out for each other.
Come on.

There he is.

Watch out.

That's when we ran into a brick wall.

I'm head of the radiology department.

You call me in from home to do a CAT
scan that could wait until Monday?

- It's not happening.
- Dr Moyer...

- These are my machines.
- Sir...

- Whose machines?
- My machines.

- How was that helpful?
- They're mine. My machines.

So you're going to sock me again.
Good God, Perry.

You're just beating up an old man.

Relax. I'm just fixing your nose.

I'm real sorry I cold-cocked you there,
Bob. I shouldn't have done that.

Even if it did actually feel so damn
good I changed my pants afterwards.

But, still, I'm starting to think
it would be smart

if you and I were to bury the hatchet.

What do you say there, Bob?

Come on, handsome.

Listen up, ace. You will always be
a royal pain in my ass.

I will always be waiting for the day

when I get to jam that knife
into your side,

and you know it as well as I do.

- Much better, thanks.
- You're welcome.

People don't change, Perry.

So you're just gonna roll over
and give up like you always do?

Or are you finally gonna get mad
and do something about it?

Mine.

You're gonna give Mrs Farr
the abdominal CAT scan.

Remember that colon patient of mine
that you screwed up on?

I'm gonna tell him whose fault that was

and then help him physically
and financially bitch-slap you,

even if we both get our asses fired.

- Your move, Chuckles.
- Bring her down.

- Elliot.
- Hells yeah.

It feels good to gather the pieces
of the puzzle together

so we can finally look Mrs Farr
in the face and tell her

we still don't know what she has.

Why can't we figure out
what's wrong with her?

All right, you guys.
What do you know so far?

The echo ruled out an aortic dissection.

The abdominal CT
would have shown biliary disease.

- Think. What's her background?
- Persian Sephardic Jew.

Come on, you guys, give me a break.
You know this.

Familial Mediterranean fever.

Attaboy.

I'm actually grateful
most things don't change.

Hello, slackers.

My paddle's stuck in me.

Not only is the status quo
good for work,

it's also somewhat comforting.

I would've never figured it out
without you guys.

You four deserve all the credit, really.

Mrs Farr, Dr Cox has saved the day.

Don't you just love it? Come here.

If something does change,

often it just reminds you
of feelings you've had all along.

You look beautiful.

As I said, in the third year,
there aren't a lot of surprises.

Hey, Elliot.

What are you doing here?

Damn.