Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 22 - My Dream Job - full transcript

It's the end of their 2nd year and everything starts to feel boring, but they have their college pal to cheer them up, and get them into trouble. Dr. Kelso is on his annual "picking ...

Nurse Espinoza,

do you by any chance know
what time your 9.30 shift starts?

- 9:30?
- That's what I would've said.

But I had Ted stand out
in the parking lot

and monitor your arrival
times this week. Ted?

9.34, 9.39, 9.41, 9.33 and 9.50.

How is that law degree
working out for you, Ted?

I was going to be a senator.

I haven't perused
the latest nursing contract,

I'm guessing it doesn't say "show up
when you damn well please."

Here's an idea. What say
you stop showing up altogether

and we'll replace you
with a giant time clock?

If we ever miss you,

we'll just have a Bob Kelso
cuckoo bird pop out

every few minutes and say,
"I've never satisfied a woman."

Come on, Ted.

Dr Cox didn't know he was
the father of Jordan's baby,

but they were getting along better.

- I love you.
- I love you.

As for us, it was
the end of our second year,

and each day
had begun to feel the same.

After a while, your residency
boils down to just a few things.


The three prescriptions
every patient gets.

Acetaminophen for her headache,

Restoril so she'll sleep,
and Colace so she'll poop.


Mind-numbing monotony.

And, of course, paperwork.

As for the patients...

Look, because it's diabetes-related,

the pain in your foot
isn't responding to pain killers.

I'd like to try
an anti-seizure medication

before we consider amputation.

Good, because I have
an audition for Stomp tomorrow.

Look, just cut
the damn thing off, will ya?

That's why I'm so psyched
our college buddy,

Spence, was coming to town.

- Jill Anderson.
- Yes.

- No.
- Monica Meyer.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

I don't think
it's appropriate for us

to be rehashing
our college sexual conquests

with Carla in the other room.

- Leslie Stevens.
- Yes!

On a pile of coats
with hundreds of people around.

What a whore!

Who else?
Who else did you bang?

Carla, college wasn't
all sex and coats.

Spence here got me through
a lot of hard times.

Why don't you just
mousse the crap out of it?

Straight up.


- My life changed that day.
- Man, that was a long time ago.

Now you two are engaged,
I'm in town because two frat brothers

are getting married.

- A double wedding?
- No.

Good for the boys.

The point is, we've really grown up.

That's good, good sauce.

Check it out.

Free pitcher.

What I've got you on
is D-five half normal saline

with 20 KCL
at 100ccs an hour.

The Cadillac of all hangover cures.

- It feels warm in my tummy.
- Good morning, angels.

Did you have one too many
Daiquiris last night?

- Spence, this is Dr Cox and...
- Don't bother. Don't care.

He's the scary man
you told me about last night.

- Hey, congratulations.
- For what, jackass?

- You just had a baby.
- No, she just had a baby.

But you said it was his.
And you said something else.

- That he didn't know it yet.
- That's exactly right.

Holy crap.
Run away. Run away. Run away.

OK, he hasn't said a word
in over ten minutes.

The hell with it. I'm going in.

Dr Cox...

If the next words aren't
"See you," the third will be,

"My crotch,
you've punched me in the crotch."

See you.

- How about that guy?
- Yeah.

- That guy?
- Yeah.

Maybe it would be easier
if I told you

whose butt I haven't
had my fingers in.

That's a perk you never hear about.

You guys landed your dream jobs, huh?

Dream job.

Hey, man, how am I supposed
to finish this memo?

I don't know.

Do you have
any interesting patients?

Mr Weinberg has dementia
but still enjoys his ronking.

- What's ronking?
- Ronk!

- Interesting.
- Hey, sweetness.

- Ronk.
- When do people yell "stat"?

Kinda never. Bambi, rounds.

- Dammit.
- Run, Johnny, run.

- Trying to add a little drama.
- I felt it.

This is not a good day
to be late.

Every year,
Kelso picks a resident

to ride mercilessly
until they crumble.

The key is to jump on any easy
question and impress him early.

- Right, shall we get started?
- Yes!

- Excuse me?
- Should we get started? Yes.


Dr Reid, do an ABG
on bed four without waking him.

Dr... Young Asian Fellow,

bed seven needs a central line.

Dr Murphy and Dr Eager Beaver,
step forward.

This is it. Last man standing.

What are the four
differential diagnoses

of the persistent ST elevation
on any EKG?

- Dorian.
- Ischemia.

- Murphy.
- Aneurysm.

- Dorian.
- Pericarditis.

- Murphy.
- Pass.

Ah, Doug. At least you're going
to a more chocolaty place.

Dr Murphy.


Dr Reid! A moment, please.

- No, you didn't.
- I did.

Every time I turn around,
Dr Kelso's riding me.

I've got next. What's up?

No one? Self-five.

For the big dog.

Look, Elliot,
I've seen this before.

Kelso worries he's not scary,
so he picks somebody to be his bitch.

Who he picks is totally random.

Unless you throw
a needle in his face.

OK, I didn't tell you the kid
was yours and you're upset.

I get it. But you seem to be
making a really big deal out of this.

Is there something else
that's bothering you?

It's mostly just the kid thing.

I didn't want you
to feel pressured to be with me.

I didn't want you
to feel manipulated.

I am so, so sorry,

but no matter what you say,
you don't have a leg to stand on.

I don't know about that, Perry.

Sounds like she's trying
to protect your relationship.

Some mothers say the only way
to get a guy to marry you

- is by using pregnancy as a trap.
- What?

Stupid mothers
who got even meaner

when they stopped drinking.


- I make more than you do.
- What?

I saw your paycheck.
I make more than you do.

- Quite a bit more.
- You couldn't have seen it.

No way I could access
the personnel files.

Just impossible.

By the way, 987654320.

- My Social Security number.
- No. That's your PIN number.

- No, my PIN number is 3674.
- Bingo.

Do you have any idea
what it feels like

to have a janitor
make more than you?

Johnny. Investment banker.
So, no.

Why, Christopher?

I've saved up 500 bucks.

Where would you put that
if you were me?

A wallet, a money clip.

You could get Schmitty and Dan
a wedding gift. Dan wants a ferret.

- Ferrets are nice.
- They're mean.

Let's go do something
special tonight. My treat.

We gotta kinda lay low tonight.
We're on backup call.

See, now, this is
the proper way to lay low.

I mean, honestly,
does it get any better?

No, it does not.

Why do you keep looking at me
like that?


Ed, did you turn on
the jets in the hot tub?

- No.
- It's too hot on my eyes!

Those sutures look awful,
don't you think, Ted?

I don't know, sir. Yes? No?
I'm barely here.

I know what you're doing, sir,
the whole keep-us-scared thing.

- I'm OK with it.
- Dr Reid.

Even if you hadn't
just missed blinding me earlier,

I still would've picked you
to crap on.

You're easily startled,
you're constantly overwhelmed.

While you work hard,

you still struggle to break
into the middle of the pack.

I chose you because I am hoping
that you will ask yourself,

really ask yourself, if there
isn't some other profession

you might be better suited for.

In the meantime, be a doll
and re-suture that wound.

Wanna get a beer later?

I can't believe you didn't tell me.

And while we're coming
completely clean, Perry,

I'm not the girl they're
singing about in My Sharona.

Her name's Sharona.

- You're making jokes?
- I just want this to be OK.

Don't get me wrong.
I wanna be with the kid.

I'm damn sure gonna
be with the kid.

But as far as you and I go...

...I just don't see us working out.

Nothing like cold beers
in a Jacuzzi. Am I right, Ed?

Some days I sit out here for hours,
downing cold one after cold one.

What do you do
when you have to pee?

- So you boys are doctors, huh?
- OK, whoa, Frannie.

That was my ass.

- You guys have to go to work?
- No, it's just a stupid intern.

The only way we have to go in
is if there was some catastrophe.

In breaking news, there's been a
multiple car pile-up on the throughway.

Plus, the two guys on call

would have to be
simultaneously incapacitated.

This is my chance to shine.

What's up, chica? Whoa!

Oh, God!

Part of being a doctor is learning
to deal with the unexpected.

Whether it's someone
who won't take no for an answer.

I've decided not to accept
the being-dumped thing.

I'm gonna hang around
until you forgive me.

Or being shaken
to your very core.

Sometimes it's just having to work
in wet grundies.

Hey, Betty, Wilma. What the hell?
You're only 40 minutes late.

- Do I smell beer?
- We had a few.

Newsflash: you can't drink
and then come to work.

- You're not airline pilots.
- Look, Dr Cox...

No, you look. If someone had
asked me just this morning,

is there any way that
I could have any less respect

for you two geniuses, I would
have said, that's not possible.

Lo and behold, you pulled it off.

The only problem is
I'm fresh out of blue ribbons,

so instead you'll have to settle

for a lifetime supply
of my foot up your ass.

Go home.
You're not fit to work tonight.

Great speech.
You guys are in trouble.

Wait up, I've got my heels on.

After what happened, I was
in no mood to be messed with.

Hey, Food Stamps.

Little anonymous donation

from a guy who makes a little
more scratch than you.

You know what?
At least what I do matters. OK?

You're cleaning the same spot
you were this morning.

The smart money says
you'll be cleaning it tomorrow.

Why don't I just come by then,

and you can tell me
how what you do day after day

makes even the slightest bit
of difference in this world?

Too mean.

I don't care if I hurt his feelings,
I got absolutely crushed tonight.

Turk and I both knew
who was responsible for all this.



When do we eat?

Jordan, could you just give me
ten seconds to myself here?


You know,
you are being very immature

and, oh, my God, is that guy on fire?

Dr Cox,
I'm so glad you're here.

From one hell to another.

Dr Kelso's been torturing me lately.

I thought I could handle it.
I've come a long way.

I was afraid of you,
and now I can talk to you,

like how your hair's
been looking springy lately,

not like the season,
like the inside of a mattress.

I don't have any clue
what you mean.

Dr Kelso's starting to get to me,

and I don't think
I can take it anymore.

Sorry, kid, but I'm dealing
with my own stuff right now.

Thanks a lot... really.

Howdy, Mop-Top.

Oh, God.

Man, why'd you even show up
this weekend?

What are you talking about?
I introduced Schmitty and Dan.

OK, I didn't really
introduce them.

I'm the one who accidentally
saw them under the foosball table.

Oh, Schmitty.

Typical Spence.

You just blow into town
and get us into trouble.

I made you guys go out tonight?

Hey, I have a presentation
on Thursday.

Ask me if I'll go out
drinking Wednesday night.

- You wanna go out...?
- Sorry.

I can't, I have a presentation.

The truth is, you've been
complaining about work

since the second I got here,
dying for an excuse to blow it off.

So maybe you should stop being
all mad at me when, really,

you're just pissed
because you hate your jobs.

Every time I turn around,
Kelso's there.

Ted, he's trying to break my spirit.

Do you have any idea
what that feels like?

I'm sorry. Of course you do.

Dr Reid, I'm afraid
that nothing you've described

constitutes harassment.

Swing and a miss, eh, Dr Reid?

The next time you decide
to make a stink over nothing,

you should see a lawyer
who didn't need five tries

to pass the bar exam.

I have stress-induced dyslexia
and you know that, Dr Oslek.

- Why are you doing this?
- I'll tell you why, Perry.

We've been dancing the same
dance for years now.

One gets angry and walks away,

the other's too stubborn
to go after them.

Before you know it, you sleep
with some pharmaceutical rep,

I'm convincing my mom
that the thing in my suitcase

is a giant electric melon-baller.
Guess what?

Things are different now.
We have a kid together.

I'm not going home until you promise
you're coming with me.

You go home.
I'll meet you there later.

Bring dinner.

You're a father.
Can you believe it?


I didn't get a lot of sleep thinking
about what Spence had said.

Look, I'm sorry I was
such a jerk yesterday. OK?

Come on, look at this floor.
You could practically eat off of it.

- Would you?
- Would I what?

Would you eat off the floor?

As I bent down to eat
that peppered floor turkey,

unaware that the cleanser
the janitor uses

is an extremely potent diuretic,
I realised something.

The reason we're doctors
is because we have

an innate desire to help people.

That was disgusting.

You have to have that desire,

because at the end
of your second year,

it's impossible to see the light
at the end of the tunnel.

So it becomes
about perseverance.

And fortitude.

And sacrifice.

Sorry you guys
can't make the wedding.

Give them a big kiss for us.

Tell them the ferret
only eats fresh vegetables.

I'm gonna miss you guys.

- I'll see ya later.
- Later, dude.

Really, all you can hope for
is an occasional thank-you.

I'm so glad the medication worked.

I'm supposed to be happy
cos somebody did something right?

You're welcome.

Nice call on the anti-seizure medicine.

I'm starting to think you may not be
the worst resident that ever lived.

- How cool was that?
- Shut up.

You shut up.
You're an angry man.

Sorry I didn't tell you about
the "It's your baby" thing.

We'll probably talk
about that later.

- I wasn't even mad at Jordan.
- No?

I was scared.

I was freaking out, cos I'm confident
that I'll be a horrible father.

You? Come on.

You're gonna be a very scary...
I mean, great.

You're gonna be a great father.

Last night, you totally kicked
our asses cos we deserved it.

Remember you told me I wasn't
the worst resident that ever lived?

Eight seconds ago?

You have no idea how
much that meant to me.

I said, I think you may not
be the worst resident ever,

but I can't be sure of stuff like that.
I haven't done the legwork.

You're always there
when we need you.

I think you have
this fathering thing down.

Why am I not leaving, Dr Reid?

I don't want
to miss you breaking down

and weeping
in front of everyone.

Here it comes. Great big tears.
Great big crocodile tears.

If she was your daughter,
you'd totally know how to handle it.

My God, you're right.

- You're doing fine, Barbie.
- Thank you.

Everybody have a good one.

I'm going home to see my son.

Excuse me there, Bobbo.

Right in the nose. Yeah.

That may come up tomorrow.