Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 19 - My Choosiest Choice of All - full transcript

I can't stop thinking about last night.

It's incredible how fast things can go
from amazing to complete disaster.

- Sean?
- I have been looking all over for you.

What are you doing
back from New Zealand?

- Morning.
- What's up with him?

- He slept with Elliot last night.
- Is it that time of year again?

Dude, ignore her. That's three years
in a row. Who's feeling you?

You be.

- She's back with Sean.
- How soon after you hooked up?

About 90 seconds.
What should I do?

Huge mistake. The closer
Turk and Carla got to their wedding,



the more they thought they knew
everything about relationships.

Look, JD...

- You first, honey.
- Love is like a butterfly.

Hold it too tight and you'll crush it.

Too loose and it flies away.

The phone call was Elliot
asking to meet so we could talk.

I was nervous, but I felt better the
moment I saw Irv at the security gate.

- Irv.
- Howdy, Dr Dorian.

I'm sorry, sir, but there's no parking
allowed at the emergency kerb.

I'd be happy to park your car for you
and run the keys up to you in a jiff.

Except this is my only set
and I'm afraid you might eat them.

See you, Tubbs.

I've been trying
to cut down on my snacking, but...

You look great, Irv.



Irv didn't look great,
but I didn't have time to talk.

Danni?

When you see someone you used to date,
you find them annoying,

or enough time has passed
that you've idealised them.

Hey, JD.

I'm actually on my way
to see somebody, so I gotta...

I'll see you later.

Be nice.

Danni, wait.

- How've you been?
- Well, actually...

Gotta go.

There she was, my lady.

Hey, Elliot.

I can't talk right now.

- Shall we just hold each other?
- Sorry. I couldn't find a parking spot.

- Hey, JD. What's up?
- What's up?

Attention, Sacred Heart, gather round.
Doctors, nurses, patients.

Last night Elliot Reid and I
made passionate love

for a good hour and a half...
Check that, a great hour and a half.

When I hit it, I hit it good.
That is all.

- Bambi freeze up again?
- It's not our problem, honey.

- You've got something on your face.
- What?

The love of my life.

- You got it.
- So, I'll see you after work.

- Bye, JD.
- Peace out, Sean.

Listen, JD,
last night was really important to me.

I know. You don't wanna be
rusty at sex

before you throw down
with your real boyfriend.

You and I have been down this road
before, and we both know where it ends.

I'm sorry. I just really want
to make this work with Sean,

so please don't say anything to him.

I totally understand. Danni and I are
getting back together, too.

We are?

Danni...

- What was her last name?
- Damn. I should know this.

- Blonde hair.
- Yes, raspy voice.

- That incision's healing up nicely.
- Thanks again, Dr Miller.

I'm gonna have my band
write a song about you.

I'm glad I struck a chord.

While you were proving once and for all

that pretty girls
do not need to be funny,

I took a look
at your little rock star's chart.

- Did you?
- Yes, I did.

His urine output is dropping,
so you should start him on Lasix.

You amuse me. Even though he's post-op
and still technically my patient,

I'm gonna pretend to consider your
opinion before I do whatever I want.

No.

Are you all right?

Some hooligan
keeps disconnecting the alarm.

I told security to look into it, but no.

They'd rather catch the guy stealing
organs from the transplant ward.

If I was a security guard around here,
things would be different.

You wanna be a security guard?

Who commands more respect
than the men who wear blue and green?

- Their uniforms are black and grey.
- I don't see colours well. Happy now?

If you're really into security,
Irv's position just opened up.

What happened to Irv?

- Tubbs?
- Who's tubby now?

Stop it.

- I got him.
- Go on, baby.

He had to be let go.

Elliot really hurt me. Still, right now
I need to keep a level head.

My emotions are all over the place, and
it's important I don't do anything rash.

- Do you have to do that here?
- What? I like smoking after sex.

And during.
God, you never used to smoke.

I was pretending to be someone
I thought you wanted me to be.

That didn't work. So now
I'm gonna let the real me come out.

And the real me wants to do it again,
and she wants to do it rough.

I don't know, Danni.
The real me's not really into that.

Give it to me.

I thought that's what you wanted.

It was.

Quick question:
Will my son ever stop crying?

You know what's so sweet?
This morning, Jack called her Da-Da.

I'm sorry. Look,
there's a new doctor at the hospital.

She is such a relentless chore
that every time she's harping at me,

I actually see your face.

I love that you think about me at work.

Honestly, Jordan,
I've never despised anyone more.

- You have a crush on her.
- Who said who to what now?

It is so typical. We have an amazing
son, we're getting along for a change,

but that's too boring for you,
it's too nice.

So you have to blow the whole thing up.
Bravo, Perry. Fantastic.

I know you say you love us all equally,
but you don't, do you?

I'm onto you, Big Man.

This badge is now yours.

I wanna thank for believing in me.

I'm gonna guard these hospital gates

the way Cerberus
guarded the gates of hell.

That's terrific.

Look at you in your new uniform.
And they gave you a nightstick?

Actually, this was my dad's. He used to
use this baby every day at work.

- Was he a cop?
- No. Cat trainer.

That way.

You stay here. I'll go.

I felt bad about hooking up with Danni,
but no one knew.

Do you want any water?

- Well? Do you, guys?
- Bambi.

You were in there with Danni.
We heard you say her name.

No, I was in there
with my buddy Danny from the gym.

But we heard you say,
"Take it all, Danni."

He's a really good buddy.

Moving a little quick there,
aren't we, bub? Got a story to tell me?

Here's a story. The Security Guard Who
Was Sodomized With His Own Nightstick.

Why don't we just
consider this a warning?

My cousin's a bank teller

and he gave me an exploding
ink cartridge they put in stolen money

so I could figure out who's been
disconnecting the emergency exit.

Nice work.

That's all for me, Jeff. Any other
questions you can direct to Dr Cox.

I'm sure you'll find him
to be quite something.

Can I break out tomorrow
and play a set with the band?

They're going on tour in Europe
and I won't play with them for a year.

I think we can work something out.
Don't worry about it.

I will drive him there,
he can play and I'll drive him back.

I won't worry about it. Mostly because
he's not going. I'm his doctor now.

Now you're going to take it out
on the patient.

I don't think going to some dive bar

is appropriate for somebody
who just had kidney surgery.

Although the fact that it seems
to be pissing you off so much

is the definition of an added perk.

Seriously, you can look it up in the
dictionary. It's under P for perk.

It's right next to "pain in the ass"
and your picture is right next to it.

When you broke up with Danni, you said
it was the happiest day of your life.

Only because
Barney Miller came out on DVD.

And Wojo's commentary on it, priceless.

Maybe Danni's not the love of my life.

But she's beautiful,
and she's quirky and she's very sweet.

Man, I get so gassy after having sex.

By the way, some skank named Barbara
called and I told her to back off.

Barbara's my mom.

In life there are
personal realisations...

I hate my girlfriend.

... and professional ones.

Serpico, I go four steps
out that door to my car every day.

If I don't beat Enid home
from her thighs and buns class,

I have to help her peel off her leotard.

I hired you and I can fire you.

The worst are the realisations
that sneak up on you.

- I need to get a...
- Book about supply-closet etiquette?

I'm kind of using this area.

You are so annoying. You must drive
your wife insane. Are you married?

Like when you realise
you just might have a crush after all.

No, I'm not.

In a big hospital you can hide from
almost anything, except your conscience.

- You know what's weird?
- Tell me.

We're close,
yet if anybody asks if we're married,

all either one of us can say is no.

I say we were married
for five years, got divorced,

now we have a child, but are in
a long-term committed relationship.

That's what I say, too. That or no.

Mr Mid-Life,
we both know what this is about.

You should just go ahead and enjoy your
crush. Because, honestly, I don't care.

It's sad.

Q-tip, some girl who says
she's your girlfriend's on the phone.

Tell her I'm not here.

Godspeed, sir.

What? I'm in a pickle.

A pickle!

- You wanna play darts?
- Sure.

Have fun. I'll be over here.

Do you even enjoy spending time with me?

Enjoy is such a strong word.

I'm used to it, like cafeteria food

or the constant threat of terrorism.

You don't enjoy
hanging out with me, do you?

Not really. I'm more into tough guys.

Last night I knocked you unconscious.

- For five seconds.
- I guess this is over.

Why?

You'd rather hang out with someone
you don't even like than be alone?

- Pretty much.
- Me, too.

How many couples out there
actually have fun together?

Guys, Elliot and I are in the middle
of a marathon game of hide-and-go-seek.

If she comes in, you didn't see me.

...99, 100.

- Have you guys seen Sean?
- He's...

Where'd he go?

He's a dynamite hider.

Don't even start, Tarla, or Curk,

or whatever you call
this two-headed freak show.

Why don't I do a little piece for you
I call Your First Year of Marriage?

"I do." Kiss, kiss, kiss.
"Why can't we have a baby?"

"You spend so much on clothes."
"You're sleeping with my sister."

"Why can't I hang out with my peeps?"

Baby, I would never sleep
with your sister. She's hideous.

And I would never
have a crush on someone else.

- I do not have a crush.
- What is this?

A form allowing Mr Stockton's band
to come visit him,

so that Dr Miller will be happy
that I did a nice thing for her.

He wants Dr Miller because
he thinks it will make him what?

- Happy.
- Exactly.

- But he's only happy when he's...?
- Miserable.

So why does he really want Dr Miller?

Cos she's got big-ass boobies.

No, because he likes being miserable.

If I enjoyed being miserable, then why
wouldn't I stay here talking to you two?

Let's see how Elliot likes it
when I'm all over my lady.

- I've got something for you.
- What?

I'll buy the next round, if one of you
handsome boys wanna help carry it.

We're both good-Iooking guys. Right?

- We'll sort this out when I get back.
- Sort away, Seany-Sean-Sean.

- How could you do this to me?
- Do what?

Come over my house, sleep with me,

and dump me the minute Sean shows up
so I feel like a loser.

You jumped into bed with Danni so quick
you didn't even change the sheets.

- You know I only have one set.
- Can I ask you a favour?

- Can I ask you one?
- Sure, anything. What is it?

- Damn. I don't have one.
- You didn't have one, did you?

What do you want?

How about you remembering
that you're supposed to be my friend?

- Why'd you page me? What do you want?
- Just watch his face.

- No way.
- How you feeling?

Hey, Rick, Audrey, Ryan, Tim,

Jamey, Toby, Joe.

I hope this won't be awkward. I promised
the whole band you'd have sex with them.

Don't look at me like that.
This is your fault, anyway.

- You two made me dream again.
- We didn't cave in to Kelso.

I owe you no explanation for that.

- You don't owe us an explanation.
- Lay some truth on him.

You owe one to yourself.

My husband-to-be'll tell you
what life's about.

He has more of this than any man I know.

- Archie comics?
- The other thing.

That's right. Integrity.

Here's your chance.

I was so mad at Elliot
I couldn't sleep last night.

Also, Danni snores
like a gutted wild boar.

But mostly it was the Elliot thing.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Things have been a little weird
between Elliot and I.

Good.

Did anything happen
between you and Elliot while I was gone?

Sorry, everybody. False alarm.

Well?

There comes a time
when every man has to make a choice,

whether it's a professional choice...

Come on. What are you gonna do about it?

... or whether it's a personal choice.

You wanna go for a beer after the show?

In the end, it's about integrity.

And it's about chasing after
what you really want...

Here's your beer.

... even if that means showing
you both care.

- Did you do that for me?
- I thought it would be fun.

Now there are two blondes
you can't have sex with.

I don't care. It is so naughty.

Cheers.

And sometimes you just have to do
what's right for your friend.

No, Sean, nothing happened.

Yeah, I figured. Good talk.

Even if it means sacrificing
your own happiness.

Giddy up, Dr Dorkian.

When it comes down to it, you just have
to be proud of the decision you made.