Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 18 - His Story II - full transcript

Today's gonna be a great day.
Still, no time to dilly-dally.

God, that's a fun phrase.
I have to meet Dr Cox in five...

Good God, check out those dilly-dallies.

That may be the future Mrs...

OK, back to work. Dr Cox has selected
me to help him on a research project.

Hey, research buddy.

We're four seconds in and
I'm already regretting my decision.

Things Jordan says during sex!

- Are those the charts I wanted?
- No...

They're the charts, plus patient history
charts from the last ten years

which yours truly stayed up all night
organising not only chronologically



but by severity of condition.

There's a good chance
I'm gonna kill someone.

Things you say
when you talk to your patients.

- Clever.
- Don't bother with that.

I've been getting my hair cut
by my barber for 17 years now.

Is it because his prices
have remained the same? No.

Is it because
I like the way his man-breasts feel

gently resting on my shoulders when
he does my sideburns? A little. Yes.

But mainly it's because, unlike you, he
does just exactly what I tell him to do.

It's either my way or the highway

and since as you've already
broken that dictum, you're out.

No, wait! I already got my shifts
covered for the next two days.

Where will you find somebody else?
You think Lonnie

gives a rat's ass about acute
thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura?



- ATTP? It killed my father.
- You're in.

It is gonna be so amazing working on
the disease that tore my family apart.

Kiss ass.

I guess I could go home, but there's
important stuff to do around here.

Laverne, what would you give me if
I get this jellybean in your cleavage?

A concussion.

Three long years of busting my hump here
and it has finally paid off.

- You got the fellowship?
- I get to be the clown in Paediatrics.

Hey, that old clown was really good, so,
you got some really big shoes to fill.

Dammit, I'm funny.

- Yes, he hits it at the buzzer!
- Oh, no, he didn't.

Not worth it.

My tongue is dry. How many more
of these invites do I have to lick?

- Fine, don't lick them.
- Come on, don't get mad at Turk.

What's bugging me
is that thanks to Dr Cox

I've got nothing to do. Nothing
to talk about. No stories to tell.

I woke up this morning
freaking out about getting married.

Luckily, Carla's being cool.

Last chance to un-invite that slut
you went out with in high school.

- She's my brother's wife.
- That's convenient.

Thank God she thinks that hot chick Tina
I invited is my cousin.

Guess what?
There's no blood there, baby.

And by the way, don't think
for a second that your "cousin" Tina

is gonna be sitting at our table.

Oh, my God she's in my head.
It's OK. Use it to your advantage.

Make me a grilled cheese sandwich,
woman.

Make it yourself.

- Thanks for driving me to work.
- Are you kidding?

I wanted to see the invites mailed.

Once you drop those suckers in
there's no turning back.

I'm just mad I forgot my camera.
Or did I?

Say goodbye to being single.

- It's OK, just drop them in here.
- I don't wanna.

If you're nervous, come here

and I'll tell you a secret
that'll make you feel better. Come here.

Give me those damn things, you coward!

Sean, I might not
be able to do the clown thing today.

But what about that summer
I spent at clown academy?

It's starting to seem
like that was a giant waste of time.

I wish you were here. I can't believe
you've been away for five months.

I can't believe you haven't
figured out the time difference.

- It's four am here.
- I'm sorry.

It's just I miss talking to you.
I miss seeing you. I even miss

that weird way
you sleep with your eyes open.

Sean? Sean?

Damn, Elliot's got a nice ass
for a white chick.

Stop it. Just cos you're panicked

you don't have to reduce every woman
to her physical attributes.

Great. My new scary boss,
and her amazing chest, butt and feet.

I love feet.

Dr Turk, this is Brian. You'll be
assisting me on his tumour debulking.

Whoa-hoa, Bri-Bri?
You have just won the lottery.

I'm not saying I'm good but if there
was a surgeon award show around here,

it'd be called The Turkies.
You know what I'm saying?

You don't have to know what he's saying.
None of us do.

May I have a quick moment? Excuse us.

What now, you mean witch?

If you act like that
in front of one of our patients again,

I'll spend the next ten years
introducing you

as the guy who sponges off my forehead.
OK, we're done.

Brian, Dr Turk
will take you back to your room.

- That was glorious.
- OK.

- Did you mind that cocky stuff?
- No. I love Bri-Bri.

I never had a nickname before.

There's more
where that came from, Killer B.

I thought you had two days off.

I had to pick up a mouth guard.

Some kids at the park said I couldn't
jump Jones Creek on my bicycle.

So now I gotta give them
the 411 on my mad daredeviling skills.

Meanwhile, back in adult world,

I was just given 12 new admits so
I can't be a clown for the kids today.

If it helps,
I could examine her for you.

Elliot, please!
That hurt through my helmet.

Mrs Bell, your EKG showed
an irregularity but nothing serious.

Maybe when my husband hears that,
he'll stop worrying.

Hey, honey.

Oh, and this must be your hobbit...
I mean 'husband', of course.

I rented Lord of the Rings
last night so... I would do Frodo.

Maybe. He's short too.

Dr Miller, I am attending a hospital
administrators' luncheon this afternoon.

- I would love for you to join me.
- Not so fast there, Bob.

You forgot to affix your warning label.

The one that reads "Exposure To Bob
Kelso Can Be Hazardous To Your Health,"

thus affording the reader a chance
to escape the waste and contamination

that is Bob Kelso.

Gosh darn it, Perry,
you are entertaining.

You know, like Howie Mandel
or a monkey in a funny hat.

Check out Cox and Kelso
fighting over Dr New Girl.

- Bobby, give me a break.
- Like you'll get near this.

She's mine!

She'll have to get a car
you drive with your feet.

Dr Miller, I hope to see you later.

Look, I like you.
So here's some advice.

Never, ever, do anything with Bob Kelso.

Don't talk to him,
don't even associate with guys his age

in case
they just shared a steam together

in that never-ending Klan meeting
they call a country club. All right?

He is pure evil.

I'll remember that. Not the crazy,
"where-is-he-going-with-this" ranting

but, you know, the gist:
The "Bob Kelso bad" part.

Fair enough.

Nurse Espinosa, would you mind
getting me some sugar, stat?

Why, yes, doctor.

Wow! This hospital rocks.
Did you two just meet?

- No, we're getting married.
- The invitations went out today.

Yes. You know they did.
Invitations went out today.

- No, they didn't.
- I could never get a girl like that.

Why?

Girls don't usually
go for the piano-playing power geek.

Are you a good pianist?
Pianist.

Yeah, I got a scholarship to Juilliard.

Bri-Bri, you're in the money.
Girls love the artsy type.

You'll be getting more tail
than you know what to do with.

Tail is sex, Brian.

Awesome.

OK, so how far
over the creek did you make it?

I don't know the exact distance
in terms of feet and inches,

but in layman's terms
I would have to say about halfway.

Annie, you are a shoo-in
for the little girl X-Games.

Anyone seen Dr Kelso?
We're supposed to be leaving.

That's strange. I remember having
a conversation with you about this.

"Never do anything with him, pure evil."
Ringing any bells?

Just the one that goes off
when I'm bored.

People usually don't stop caring
about what you have to say

till they've been here a few months.
"Oh, no, he didn't."

- That's the correct use of that phrase?
- I don't know, sir.

"Oh, no, he didn't."

- Mrs Bell...
- How did I end up with him?

Yes. See, I've got this boyfriend,
except he's all the way in New Zealand

and, well, how did you know
Mr Bell was the right guy for you?

Kurt was the one
that was always there for me.

And at the end of the day,
that's who you want.

The guy who shows up when you
need him, without having to ask.

Dr Reid couldn't be here today,
children, so I'm here in her place.

Why are your pants so tight?
Clowns have baggy pants.

Well, Brad, I'm the type of clown
that likes to wear tight pants.

But the other clown has baggy pants.

What other clown?

Hello, old friend.

Janitor.

The way Dr Miller stares,
it makes me all itchy.

What can I say
to let her know I'm in control?

- Have you ever slept with a black man?
- Just finish the procedure.

That's a yes. And now her mind
will drift back to that wonderful day.

Wait for it.

And there it is.

Dr Miller, feel free to drift off.
Although there is a lot of bleeding.

You lacerated the brachial artery.
Move out of the way.

You made a mistake.
Every one of us has made a mistake.

Consider yourself lucky.
Instead of losing his arm,

he'll just have some nerve damage
and limited use of his right hand.

It could have been a lot worse.
If you want, I'll even tell him for you.

He's a concert pianist.

You tell him.

Just go in there and get it over with.

- Hey, Bri-Bri, what's the happy-haps?
- My hand is feeling really weird.

About that...

I made a mistake.
Just say it, "I made a mistake."

I'm not really too sure on the specifics
but there were some complications.

You big chicken.

You are looking slim.
Are those new scrubs

or is it that you no longer have a soul?
Kelso wanted you at that dinner

cos he knows
standing next to a pretty doctor

will get him in the medical journals.
Assuming his image shows up in photos.

Publicity is good for the hospital.
Plus, pictures of us together

lend credence to the rumours
that you and I are having a fling.

I'm joking. There are no rumours.

Cox wants you on his side. Until that
happens, he's gonna be all over you.

- Maybe he's right.
- Get out of here.

You're in with Kelso now.
But he will turn on you

the minute you say no to him
on anything.

Dr Miller, would you care to accompany
me to the Proctology Dinner tonight?

Yeah! Would you?

I don't know yet.

I've never made balloon animals, but
raise your hand if you like your eels.

- You're a horrible clown.
- Save it for the post-show, Lurch.

Angry Disturbed Clown is trying to
teach us that it's never funny to push.

- Dr Dorian?
- OK, let's take a little break, kids.

Mr Milliken died
and his family needs to be notified.

And since I'm new at this,
I was hoping you could do it.

You steal my research project and
now you want me to do your dirty work?

Dr Cox told me if you said that,
to say, "That's right, Melinda".

How you doing?

I've never screwed up a kid's life
before. I've had minor slip-ups.

That watch you gave me might still be
inside Mr Conti, but nothing like this.

That watch is inside Mr Conti? Thank,
God. I thought you didn't like it.

But we're talking about you.
You, honey, you did a courageous thing.

You took responsibility
for your actions, right?

No, I didn't.

Yes, I did.

You're just upset because it's
never easy to give someone bad news.

Unfortunately, your grandfather's
bowel burst causing a severe sepsis.

We were unable to save him.
I'm so sorry.

Again, I'm very sorry.

- JD, what are you doing?
- Breaking some bad news, circus style.

You were a clown for me?

Break's over, Binky.

The show must go on.

So I didn't tell him.
It's not like it changes anything.

Christopher!

Christopher? You only call me
Christopher when you're mad

or when we're having sex.

Are you mad when we're having sex?

Sometimes.
Come, let's take a walk.

This is bad.
OK, what did I do? Think.

I got her a present
on my ex-girlfriend's birthday.

I called that new cute nurse
a "young Carla Espinosa",

Damn, that was stupid.

I've left my toenail clippings
on her throw pillow.

I forgot to put the toilet seat down
and she bruised her butt.

Wow, why is she marrying me?
Marrying me!

She knows I haven't mailed the invites.

I thought you might wanna talk to Brian
before you went home.

- How'd you know?
- Who are you talking to?

- Get in there.
- OK.

Brian,
I got a confession to make, man.

There's my dinner buddy.
Shall we head out?

No, I'm not going. I have a date.

And I don't wanna go to a snooze-fest
with a bunch of proctologists

just so you can get your picture
in Bendover Weekly.

A simple "I'm busy" would have sufficed.

Big boys don't cry there, Bob-O.

- Why are you smiling?
- I'm glad you wound up in my camp.

I don't go to camp.
If Kelso had asked me to go somewhere

I thought was good for my career,
I'd be gone so fast

you'd be left here staring
at an imaginary woman's chest.

I'm sorry, it's my fault. That dress
just screams "respect me as a doctor."

You paint Dr Kelso
as a jackass who turns on people

who don't do his bidding, when you were
writing me off just for having lunch.

So, how are you any different?

I'm taller than he is.

Feel free to watch me leave.

It's weird, just by the simple act
of pushing me to do the right thing,

I remembered why Carla's the woman
I wanna spend the rest of my life with.

End of story.

You did it.

What a long day.

Still, any day can be salvaged

by drinking a few cold ones
with a good friend.

Awesome, Judge Dredd is starting.

You still have clown make-up on you.

Elliot, The Judge, please.

Fine, I'll get it.

What the hell is she doing?
It's the Judge?

- I can't find the clasp.
- I switched to frontsies.

Naughty.

Position one, two or three?

- We only had two.
- Oh, yeah.

Well,
I have something to show you later.

It's a mystery how one woman
can drive you crazy over and over again.

While another can bring you
right back down to earth.

You have to trust that the perfect woman

will always lead you
in the right direction.

So, did you get the guts
to mail the invitations?

Look, Elliot, I don't wanna jinx this,
but how did that just happen?

You were a clown for me.

You were there when I needed you
without me even having to ask.

Sean?

When did you get back?

Something told me that you needed me.
So I decided to show up

even though you didn't even ask.

Oh, Sean.

Good to see you, JD.

Hey, you switched to frontsies.