Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 17 - My Moment of Un-Truth - full transcript

I get that you and Carla
have been hanging out,

but pretending you're gonna steal her
from me makes you seem sad, pathetic,

- and very Ionely.
- Your woman wants me so bad,

we've developed our own
shorthand with each other.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- That means "good morning."
- Noted.

How was Mardi Gras night?

- Come on.
- Enough beads.

- No more flashing.
- More beads. Come on!

Fine.

Sounds pretty embarrassing.



Only because Jasper becomes an innie
when he gets nervous.

- Still... Friends forever.
- Friends forever.

Of course, not all relationships
are as solid as Carla's and mine.

Dr Reid, why are you using standard
macrolides to treat your patient

instead of Clo-Veritol?

Clo-Veritol is a drug?

Honestly, Bob, I was under the
impression that it was a travel agency,

what with all the free golf trips
they've sent you on.

I do not authorise any drug for this
hospital that I haven't researched.

What did the research
for Clo-Veritol say, sir?

"When life's not fair at all,
use Clo-Veritol."

Check out Barbie, Boo-hottie,
slamming Big Bob. That a girl.

I've spent the last three years
in this hospital getting pushed around

because I'm
little Barbie from Connecticut.



But, there's a new toy in town
and her name is Bitch-slap Barbie.

From Connecticut.

Still, let's remember that
you can't even drive the doctor-car

without daddy
sitting right there beside you.

Because you went and accidentally
gave the patient over in bed four

macrolides and opiates.

Two medications that I guarantee you
are gonna make her nauseous.

My patient is fine,
and I don't need you...

I roughly think that would be the
faint sound of your patient vomiting.

You may have trouble hearing it over the
louder sound of me being right again.

God, my brilliance is now becoming
a bit of a burden.

Get back to me.

I gotta give Mr Ingram his meds,
so later.

Later.

That means
"I'll be seeing you later."

You want my fianc?e, take her.
She's been nagging the crap out of me.

"Pick up your socks, stop whispering
'Boo-yah' to JD after we have sex."

- How else am I supposed to know?
- I'm saying.

I'm not giving her any more ammo. There
is no way she'll be able to bust my...

Damn!

That ass warrants
the Batman sound-effect salute.

How come you're always checking out
some woman's you-know-what?

- Tushy parts?
- Thanks for having my back.

Babe...

That means, "Now she all mad."

When you work in a hospital,

you can count on
a changing roster of new faces.

Whether it's the new flower lady
who winks too much,

or the plastic surgeon who's returned
after fixing cleft palates

in Third World countries.

So, if any of you are interested

in following in the philanthropic
footsteps of Dr Ramirez,

he has graciously
offered to answer any of your questions.

I told you no one would care.

Sometimes, a new face
will just outright surprise you.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Me?

Nothing, man. Just waiting
for my brother to get off work.

Maybe you know him, he's the janitor
here. My name's Roscoe.

- Why is he doing that?
- I think he gets bored.

I should marry someone who will
stare at women the rest of my life?

- Don't put it that way in your vows.
- Let's see how he likes it. Hey, honey.

What up, baby?

It's good. That's because Estelle
puts extra croutons into the stuffing.

- And yet the salads suffer.
- I am talking about that man's ass.

Gotta go.

It's such a fine, chiselled,
dig-your-nails-into-it kind of ass!

Babe, he probably works out.

- Carla?
- Ron!

- Kudos on the nice pooper.
- Thank you.

- Mine's firm, like mutton.
- Lovely.

OK, Mr Thompson,
we've got your fever down,

- but how's the pain in your abdomen?
- Almost gone.

Really?

- A trick I picked up in med school.
- I think my insides exploded.

I suspect you've got pancreatitis,
so we'll run LFTs and do an ultrasound.

In the meantime, I'll prescribe you
something for your pain.

No, please, don't sweat it.
I'm used to the pain.

Besides,
my mom is bringing by the kids later

and I figure there should be
at least one sober adult in the room.

No, seriously, she's a drunk.

Sorry.

- You...
- Stop it.

There's nothing worse
than people with a history.

Did Shari and Steve get married?

- You didn't hear?
- Say you heard.

- No.
- Damn you.

Steve went to care for his parents.
Then Shari started seeing Dr Harding.

- No!
- Really? Shari and Gary?

- No!
- Yes!

But that summer, they took a river
rafting trip and they both drowned.

Oh, thank God.

You know, cos they both died
doing what they loved.

Rafting.

- Everybody treating you OK?
- Yeah.

The nurse doing sponge baths? Wouldn't
be shocked if she's killed before.

- Hey, Sunshine.
- Calm your ass down.

- You was barely bleeding.
- From a bath, woman!

I've run every test. I cannot figure out
why this guy is in so much pain.

- Did you run a DUH test?
- What's a DUH?

The guy is a drug addict
trying to score painkillers.

- But he refused drugs.
- My bad.

He is a very clever drug addict.

I hate to question
your three years of wisdom,

but your pain guy
is like a million other drug addicts

who walk into hospitals
with their aches and pains

and their cramps and myalgia,
and their neuralgia,

and every other 'algia'
they can think of

- just so they can get a fix.
- Well, I believe in this guy.

Would you like to go out on a limb?
Sign him in, keep him overnight?

You know, Dr Cox, you think that
you have seen it all and done it all,

but guess what? You haven't done me.

Give her a second there, gang.

- That didn't come out right.
- Go!

If you're captain, pick me.
I'll be "We always play together".

Then pick who you really want.
They'll think you wanted me.

- When do you think of this stuff?
- Every minute of every day.

You guys seen my twin brother?

- I asked you a question.
- You're better than this.

Any sign of my brother the janitor?

Dude, there is no way that
we'll ever, ever believe this one.

Can someone say, "keep rocking"?

Hey, Carla, after you check
Miss Ruck's IV in room 310,

can you zip down to the cafeteria
and flirt more with Dr Hot-butt?

Fine, so I was flirting
with him a little.

But, I used to have
such a crush on the guy.

And besides, you flirt sometimes.
It's harmless, right?

- Can I press your button?
- I don't know, can I press yours?

It's not always harmless.

Hey, Carla. I was wondering if you
wanted to grab dinner with me tonight?

It's always a risk when you go out on a
limb. You just make yourself vulnerable.

Did you pull up
Mr Thompson's old charts?

He was here eight years ago
complaining of the same abdominal pain

but as soon as he was given
his pain medication he went AMA.

He just took the drugs and bolted?

No. He took some towels too.

Frick.

So what do you say?

And you hate to see anyone get crushed.
Even Dr Hot-butt.

Sure. That sounds great.

I'm sorry, what?

- What just happened?
- I don't know!

He asked me out to dinner,
I said yes. It just came out.

Shame.

Everyone thinks it's guys
who freak out before a wedding,

but it happens to women, too.

- And Ronny...
- Ronny?

Ron. Ron. He's not just some guy, JD.

He's my "what if' guy.
The one I always wondered about.

The one I idealised, you know?

If we go out and I feel nothing, you
know how confident I'll feel about Turk?

Now I want you to go.
You know what that means?

That she's a sorceress.

I would never do anything inappropriate.

- Then you won't mind if I tell Turk.
- If you have to, go ahead.

But then I'll know
that we're not as close as I thought.

Damn beads.

Mr Thompson, I was just
looking at your old chart...

He was telling me
that the last time he was here,

his doctor couldn't diagnose him and
just threw painkillers at him instead.

- He did?
- I was so frustrated, I took off.

But with Dr Reid here, I know
we're gonna get to the bottom of things.

She is one terrific doctor.

So this pain you're having
is making you delusional?

No. Why?

No reason.

This is nice. After all these years,
actually being out with you.

- Yeah, so where do you want to sit?
- How about here?

We have a lovely selection of condoms.

Lemon Zinger.

- Uncool!
- What were you thinking about?

What you'd
look like if you were Chinese.

- Me too.
- That was lucky.

Hey, fellas, guess what's on?

A little show that I like to call
Indisputable Evidence.

Thank you, brothers, for inviting me
to your twin birthday party.

No problem, Troy.

Hey, brother, why don't you enjoy
this nice pen set that I got for you?

Check it out. Take your time.

Approach it slowly.

Hey, thanks, bro. I'm definitely
gonna use this to write to you

when I finish my around-the-world
travels. Put it there, man.

All right.
You do a good job around here.

And that, boys,
is a brotherly handshake.

Sometimes around here,
you can't believe what you're seeing.

Other times it's as clear as day.

Thanks.

Oh, great, you're getting medication
for your pain patient.

But why stop there? How about we load up
our fanny-packs with happy pills,

drive downtown and we can throw fistfuls
of them right at drug addicts?

It'll be like a big happy parade.

You know, you have this unbelievable
ability to make me doubt myself.

I don't think I could make you
doubt yourself, you rascal,

unless you had the unnatural talent
for being wrong most the time.

I'm not wrong. I just saw Mr Thompson
writhing in pain

and he had no idea I was watching him.

But you're more concerned with
being right than doing what's right.

Aren't you?

Stay calm. Turk's never gonna
find out about her date.

- Hey. You got a minute to talk?
- Do you wanna talk about anything?

We can talk about our feelings.
What's up?

I've been thinking about
Carla nagging me.

I know it's coming
from a good place because,

let's face it,
the woman lives and dies for me.

- More wine?
- Oh, God, yes.

I should marry someone
who's gonna bust my chops

- every time I look at a woman?
- Don't put it that way in your vows.

- Hand me that.
- Here you go.

So you and that girl Kelly
finally broke up, huh?

Yeah. What was that cute name
that you used to call her?

Skunk face.
I was a little mean back then.

No, I always used to think
you were the sweetest girl on earth.

Nag, nag, nag, nag.
You see how Carla is lately.

I mean,
is that all I have to look forward to?

I hear they're doing Stuart Little 3.

Nah, it's on hold,
the director dropped out.

- Turk, don't you have any work to do?
- Dude, surgeon.

Beads, keep me strong.

- What?
- Nothing.

- I'm so glad we did this.
- Me too.

I have to leave on Monday,

but I'm back the last week in April.
Maybe we can get together then.

I'm getting married April 24th.

So then our plans would totally
interfere with your honeymoon.

A little bit.

- Excited about it?
- I'm so excited.

Mr Thompson, I'd like
to prescribe you something for the pain.

- Well, that's your call.
- There's just one little problem.

Oh, my God! Just give me the drugs.

For God's sake, I've been working you
from every angle.

I refused painkillers, I did
the "you're the greatest doctor" bit.

Then between getting a tube in my ass
and a tube in my mouth,

which I'm praying wasn't the same tube,
I found time to writhe in pain,

but I didn't know if you were watching.
So, please, why don't you say it?

Why don't you say it? Why don't you
tell me what the problem is and say it?

I was going to say my pen doesn't work

and I need a new one
to write out your dosage.

Awesome.

I felt nothing for him!
How cool is that?

I had a dream like this but I had
a saddle on and you were an Indian.

Turk was a donkey.

- I'm gonna go tell Turk.
- Oh, that's great. She's gonna go...

Wait. What?

Whatever you do, don't scream.

- Why would I scream?
- I don't know.

People always say that in the movies.

I don't think Turk will be as excited
about your date as you.

He definitely won't love the fact
that I knew about it.

So, just tell him in five years.

You did what?

Make that twenty years.

Honey, that was a long time ago.

- Why are you still living here?
- I've got nowhere else to go.

Sorry.

- But what if I want to tell him?
- That's up to you, isn't it?

Gotta go.

Damn beads.

Yuk it up. I don't care.

Cos my brother's
waiting for me downstairs

and when these elevator doors open,
you'll see.

He's gonna be
staring right at you two guys.

I don't know
what I thought would happen.

But I think we can all agree this isn't
working out. So let's call it a draw.

Hell, no! You lost. Live with it.

It's hard
when you lose for the first time.

It's harder
when it's the hundredth time.

Say it.

- You're always right.
- I know.

But it is still so nice to hear it.

How did you know that he was lying?

Well, you said he wasn't
and as a rule

I take whatever you say and go in
the opposite direction with it.

But more than that, Barbie,
the main reason is because, well...

Medicine is all about experience.

I mean, hell, would you like to
have a look at who the last doctor was

to give Thompson drugs?

You?
Why didn't you say something earlier?

Give up my front-row seat
to "Barbie's Wild Ride"?

"He's a drug addict. He's not a drug
addict. You make me doubt myself."

"You're more interested in being right
than doing what's right."

And yet sometimes
losing is a good thing.

Like when you lose your insecurities
about the guy you're marrying,

which makes it easier
to cut him some slack.

- Go ahead, look.
- Really, baby?

Yeah. Besides,
you're cutting up your napkin.

You can never underestimate
how the smallest gesture

can make everything better.

For a minute, I actually thought
you had a twin brother.

Really?

- Was it when my twin brother was here?
- Stop it.

Sorry.

Too much.