Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 20 - My Fault - full transcript

In some ways, Dr Cox and Dr Kelso
are a lot like an old married couple.

I need your opinion about something.

Those pants make you
look like you're holding water.

I'll tell you the same thing I told
a comic I saw at a strip club in Reno.

- I'm not here for the jokes.
- Colour me intrigued.

I am considering offering
full-body scans here at Sacred Heart.

Showing perfectly healthy people every
harmless imperfection in their body

just to scare them into taking invasive
and pointless tests is an unholy sin.

Does sound a little sketchy ethically,
doesn't it? Thanks, Perry.

Did that just happen? Anybody?

I was stuck
at a couples-only dinner party.



There was the soon-to-be-newlyweds.

There was the girl that I loved
and the guy trying to eat her face.

And then there's Danni and me.

- You know what I was thinking?
- Nobody cares, Danni.

This has been fun, but I have to
drive Turk to the hospital.

I gotta look for an apartment.

He wouldn't take one
cos the last tenant died there.

- Rats ate his tongue out.
- But the kitchen was so cute.

Please.

Turk, where you gonna live
after you get married?

- You mean where are you gonna live?
- Baby, not now. Don't know yet.

Guess it's just the two of us.

- You wanna have sex?
- I guess.

- Do I have to look at you?
- Please don't.



Shut up.

I can't believe
Kelso really asked my opinion.

If I wanted to sit and listen to someone
yammer on about their lives,

I'd be at my AA meeting right now.

It just so happens it was
the only empty seat in the whole joint,

and as a fellow abusive drinker, you are
honour-bound by bar-stool protocol

to listen to every last word
out of my mouth.

- Go.
- Kelso...

Kelso really listened to me
about this whole full-body-scan thing.

I was thinking about
getting one of those scans.

What did he say?

Mommy, when's Daddy coming home?

He isn't.

If only he'd loved us enough
to get a full-body scan at Sacred Heart.

Holy cow.

Black Label.

Oh, my goodness,
I totally kicked that hernia's ass.

Nicely done as usual, Dr Turk.

- Why is Hot Doc being so nice to you?
- I don't know, but it's about time.

I haven't had to work this hard
since Carla's mom.

- I thought Carla's mom hated you.
- She died, so I count that as a win.

I bought a killer dress
for your wedding yesterday.

Speaking of which,
it's two weeks away.

Has your bride-to-be
started freaking out?

Carla's not the freak-out type.

Turk didn't realise that everyone has
their moments when emotions run high.

Danni.

Not here.

I'm gonna go put some clothes on.
After all, I am a lady.

By the way,
I used your razor to shave my pits.

Keep it. Danni did the weirdest thing.

- She called out her name during sex.
- Why are we whispering?

- She hears like a bat.
- Bats hear well?

- Yeah, they can't see.
- Sonar. Wait, that's whales.

No, bats and whales.
Anyway, I have to break up with her.

Just let her down easy.

I'm not sure how to do this, but I don't
think we should see each other anymore.

Cool. I'm already kind of sleeping
with this guy named Danny anyway.

I guess she wasn't calling out
her own name after all.

I don't care. I bet she calls my name
when she sleeps with him.

- No, I don't.
- See? Like a bat, dude.

Check.

It actually wasn't that awkward
breaking up with Danni.

It was odd that she stuck around for two
hours to do her morning yoga.

Good morning, world.

- She seems almost peaceful.
- Later, butt-licks.

Maybe not.

Make sure you got
all your things out of my room.

I brought all my stuff to Danny's house
three days ago.

Crunchberry. Wrong pipe.

Don't come chasing after me
like you do with Elliot.

If there's one thing
everyone knows about John Dorian

is that he always wants
what he can't have.

- That's not true, is it?
- Hell, no.

By the way,
this is the last bowl of cereal.

It's so hard to look for an apartment

when I'm sharing my bed
with a beautiful girl.

Really? What's his name?

That made absolutely no sense,
so just keep sipping.

I want you to meet this patient, Tommy.

He's only five but he's got
the voice of a grown man.

What are you doing out of your room?

I go where I want.

Awesome.

- Everything's wrong again.
- Baby, it's cool.

- We're meeting the cake guy tomorrow.
- Nothing's cool.

The centrepieces are Cupids but have
no arrows, so they're just fat babies.

I have 187 people who RSVP'd "yes"
for a 125-seat wedding.

I have to wear my grandmother's choker,

but I look like an African tribeswoman
with a coil around my neck.

First off, be nice
to my cousin, Nfume.

Second, baby, if we have too many
guests, you can un-invite some people.

- Really?
- Really. It'll be fine.

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath.

See how good that feels?
Take another one.

- Take another one.
- Are you watching my boobs?

Deep breath.

Nice.

Thank you, Shirley.

I cannot believe you're gonna turn this
hospital into some money-making machine

that coerces people into spending their
cash on procedures they don't even need.

Why not?
It sounds like something I'd do.

If one single person gets
a full-body scan, I will kiss your ring.

I'll take that bet.
You're our witness, Laverne.

- How very exciting for all of us.
- I'm not even sweating.

Honest to God,
what kind of gullible chump

would spend a thousand dollars on some
silly scan if he's feeling fine?

Hello, Laverne, Shirl.

- How's the chicken today?
- What if someone's vegetarian?

- I gotta go call the caterer.
- Thank you.

- I just calmed her down.
- She's quite mad.

I hope she doesn't rub off on you.

- Too easy.
- Please, man.

- I'm Christopher Duncan Turk.
- Duncan?

- His dad loved donuts.
- That's not true.

You need to stop saying that.
The point is, I don't lose my cool.

I don't know. Remember back in college

when we had tickets to see
Michael Jordan in the playoffs?

We're going to see Michael Jordan

We're going to see Michael Jordan,
cos we got good tickets

We went 500 miles

Was I supposed to bring
the tickets or the sandwiches?

Oh, God.

You leave it on the floor.

You shaved your head
for the first time after that.

I wish we could go back
and see that game.

- Wanting what you can't have?
- Why are you here?

- Hospitals don't sell cigarettes.
- Man, I'd smoke her.

Quiet time, Todd.

I wanna know
everything that's wrong with me.

Mr Corman, you're not even feeling bad.
You don't need this scan.

If it would make you happy,
we could do the same thing

we've done the last 50 times
you've been here.

Take your temperature,
draw some blood and give you a rectal.

Last time you tried to torture me
to prove a point, Doctor...

- Cox.
- Mengele.

I've already talked
to the insurance company.

There is nothing you can say
that can stop me from doing this.

Mr Corman, apparently your insurance
company's not gonna cover it.

Good day to you, sir.

I'm ready to make the first incision.

- Retract the pannus.
- Want me to hold the fat flaps?

More than anything in the world.
Todd, you're up.

- Thank you.
- Oh, man.

If you don't want me
to throw you out of here,

you've gotta get through this procedure
without making a sex joke.

No problem.

To really get at this, I think
we need to go in from behind.

- And stay out.
- Totally worth it.

Pathetic. For three years, I've been
watching you pine after Blonde Doctor.

Everyone is sick of it.

"Will they? Won't they? At the last
second something went wrong."

Come on. Enough already.

- You aren't exactly Ross and Rachel.
- Who?

Dr Ross and Rachel from bookkeeping.

Just let her be happy with
stunningly handsome, full-lipped guy.

I don't even care what you think.

In the heat of battle,
it's important to hold your ground.

Doctor.

You hooked him, you got him in the boat,
but he still got away.

Victory can be snatched away
at the last second.

Mr Corman, your full-body scan
is on the house.

I'm listening.

Excuse me.

Sometimes you don't know
how it happened.

I don't get it. Last night I was
golden boy and now I'm fat-flap guy.

Why would Dr Miller turn on me?
I've been great in surgery.

- She's coming to the wedding.
- She's not.

- What?
- I un-invited her.

It's amazing how your world
can change in an instant.

Guys, guess what? I just asked Sean
if he would move in with me.

- Tell them what you said.
- Yes.

- Isn't that great?
- That is great. Isn't that great?

Full-lipped bastard.

Great.

What does Sean have that I don't have?

Don't compare yourself to him.
He's better.

Thanks for the lift. On Tuesdays
my feet swell up like Jiffy Pop bags.

I'm sure it'll show up on the scan.

If anything turns up green,
it's probably an emerald

I swallowed from my mother's
jewellery box when I was five.

I'd like to get that back to her.
What's going on?

- Zip it. I know a shortcut.
- I'm getting chair-jacked.

Why are you mad?
You told me to un-invite people.

So you told my new boss you didn't
want her to come to the wedding?

No. I told her
we didn't want her to come.

Hello, there. Can I give you some help?

My mommy said you had lollipops.
Give me a red one.

- So, moving in together, huh?
- Yeah. It's a little scary.

Just like that, I saw my window.

It is scary. I knew this girl in college
who moved in with her boyfriend.

Everything changed.
Stopped talking, started fighting.

You know the rest.

- They broke up?
- He killed her.

Dr Reid, they need you to check
on that stabbing victim in room 301.

- Could be you.
- What?

Nothing.

- Don't do that.
- Why are you here?

Elliot listens to you.
Why are you messing with her?

- He wants what he can't have.
- New rule.

Hospitals are for doctors
and sick people only.

You've had many chances,
and you never stepped up to the plate.

I'm terrified, but that's how much
Elliot and I mean to each other.

We work. If you really care about her,
you won't mess this up.

Un-invite my boss, huh? We'll see how
she likes it when I mess with her world.

I appreciate the lunch, but are you
actually trying to convince me,

an admittedly frugal hypochondriac,
not to get a free full-body scan?

You're not dying of anything.

Although if you swipe one more bite
of my lamb medallions, I will kill you.

- Look who never learned to share.
- I am not losing a bet to Bob Kelso.

All this concern about my health
and my well-being, and it's about a bet?

That's a pretty reprehensible
thing to do.

If you'll excuse me,
I have a full-body scan to take.

You drove me here.
I'd like to see a dessert menu, please.

It was a little difficult
changing your cake at the last minute,

but I was able to make it non-dairy
like you requested.

Uncle Ramon thanks you, and the people
at table three thank you even more.

It's perfect. Isn't it, Turk?

What's up with the white people on top?

They don't have
tiny plastic interracial couples.

I'll colour it in
with some chocolate frosting.

That's a great idea.
Put him in blackface. What?

Put a string in the back of him,
so when you pull it, he sings Mammy.

- Forget it.
- Where are you going?

To where you keep
all the other coloured cakes?

I'm gonna call Jesse.
And we gonna march on your ass.

I was just goofing around
about that whole thing.

It's great you guys
are moving in together.

Thanks. I really needed
to hear that from you.

Maybe I am someone
who only wants what he can't have.

But what if the thing I want is
the girl I'm supposed to end up with?

- It should be me.
- What?

Every year we bounce around this thing

and I never had the courage
to stand up and tell you how I feel.

I'm crazy about you.

If I had the choice of hanging out
with anyone in the entire world

or sitting with you eating pizza
and watching a crappy TV show,

I'd choose you every time.

I have to go.

Not yet, you don't.

For Pete's sake.
Will you leave me alone?

This baby would mess
with a normal person's mind,

so please hear me when I say that
if you get this scan, it will ruin you.

The next year is gonna be
a series of endless tests

and I wanna keep that
from happening to you,

even if you get free medical treatment
the rest of your life.

How can I believe
that you even care about me?

How are we doing, Mr Corman?

Bob, we just had our scan.

- You win.
- And...

That was our first date.

Next time don't be afraid
to put a little feeling into it.

There you go. It's damn sure
not about the bet anymore.

You do whatever you want.

I cannot believe
you are freaking out about this.

- We are not having wedding pie.
- This is so typical of you.

- This whole wedding is about you.
- Give me back my wedding planner.

"Frank Sinatra as our first dance."
That guy has only got one good song.

You got pink roses. I hate pink.
Big-screen TV at the reception.

- Big-screen TV at the reception?
- I knew you wanted to see the playoffs.

You did that for me?

It's amazing how one simple gesture
can bring you back from the brink.

Baby.

The U-Haul is parked outside.
Everything I own is in it.

Except for this half of my salad tongs.

I was using that to scratch myself
on the way over.

This isn't gonna work.

The funny thing about love is you never
know how things are gonna work out.

Like me. I lost Elliot,
but at least I went down swinging.

What are you doing?

- What are we watching?
- Little House on the Prairie.

If you are wondering what this is,
it's a list of the hundreds of people

who've signed up for our full-body scan.

Bully for you there, Bob-O.

Sometimes a small victory
is enough to get you through the day.

- I didn't get the scan.
- I know you didn't, Mr Corman.

Please, call me Harvey.

Harvey Corman?

Doesn't get me as much action
as you'd think.

Anyway, about that free medical care,
I'm gonna need your home number.

Just in case.

- Do you want me to re-invite her?
- Do you want her there?

She's too pretty.
I want people looking at me.

- She's out.
- Dr Turk, meet me in the OR.

- Fat flaps?
- You got it.

I love fat flaps.

I love you.

As for me, all I needed was Elliot.

It's just so weird.

My whole future was right there
in front of me and I just walked away,

all because of you.

I think you made the right choice.

The problem with people
who want what they can't have

is that when they actually get the thing
they covet, they don't want it anymore.

But not this guy.

Well, Dr Dorian, you have me.

You finally have me.

Oh, my God. I don't want her.